Question for Women Who Gave Their Children up for Adoption

I'm in almost exactly the same boat. What drives me to try to find my birthparents is the need for medical information, not only for me, but for my children. I am from NJ, and the records are still closed and SEALED. I have a search ongoing with a private investigator thru the adoption agency, but so far, almost a year, and no finds. It's frustrating.
I find myself just wanting to say, "Thank you" for being willing to give me life and for being willing to let me have a GREAT life with my parents (my mom and dad). If we could find them, and they did not want any contact, I would be more than happy with a medical history (as extensive as possible) and would not "bother" them again. If they did want some sort of contact, I'd be happy to meet, but I wouldn't expect a "relationship".
The day I held my firstborn, a wonderful DD, I imagined my birth mother (for the first time really) and thought about how there was NO WAY you could take this baby from my arms. I cried. I thought about how hard it must have been to give up a child. Or, maybe it wasn't for her. Who knows. I also know that I would think of my child all the time, or at least on his or her birthday. (Mine is coming up in a couple weeks...and I do wonder if my birthmother thinks of me on that day). I only started to think about any of this after I had children of my own.
Good luck to all of you.

My sister in law put her daughter up for adoption 20 years ago because she knew she wasn't ready for a child, she was 19 and in a bad relationship. I know it was a really difficult decision. Within the past couple months, her daughter found her through a private investigator. She is so excited. Her daughter is coming to meet her next month and she can't wait.

OMG!!! I could've written your exact post myself! So freaky. I'm also adopted and feel about my situation the EXACT same way you feel about yours. I wonder if the people who gave me up wonder how I am but to be honest, I want information more than I care about that. I have almost NO medical information from them. It makes my doctors a little crazy and it bothers me because I now have a child and want to have a bit of a heads up as to what runs in the family. Because it was a closed adoption I can't get that info. It makes me CRAZY!!!!

Long story short, I know someone who knows who these people are. (I come from a very small town). I have been wondering how I can send these people a medical questionnaire to complete without providing information about me (like having my return address on the envelope or even the city). I would like to write a short note that says THANK YOU for giving me the very best parents in the whole wide world. So, how can I send this information to be filled out and would I be rocking their world if their kids found out they put a child up for adoption? I imagine their kids must know about the adoption because I was her 6th child so I would assume that some of the children must have been old enough to remember the situation.

I worry that I'm running out of time. They're both alive at this point but they're about 70 years old now and I don't want to miss my opportunity. What do you think?

In your situation do you have any information on where to find these people? I know you want the opinion of someone who has given a child up for adoption but I'm just gonna be rude and offer my $.02 also. I think you should do it, if you can do it without wondering why they didn't respond or feeling hurt, if they don't. If you just want to send a note that says, thanks I'm great and never look back I say go for it! Think about your possible reaction to every possible scenario though. You don't want to inadvertently get hurt.

I'm so grateful to hear from someone who doesn't feel adopted, like they have a piece missing in their life, etc... I thought I was the only one!!! Good luck! P.S. I'd love to email you if you're interested.

I would put your name in a registry. That way if they are looking for you they can find you. My sister and I were both adopted and we would LOVE to meet our biological mom! However, we know a few details of her life and she has never told her husband or son about us. So to me that closes the door of ever meeting her. I would never want to cause chaos in her life. I would however LOVE to hug her neck and relieve her of any guilt or shame she might feel (as this is why she hasn't told her husband). We are so thankful to her for not thinking of herself and giving us to people who would love us as their own and give us a better life than she could at the time

Biological mothers are the most unselfish people in the world, it's so unheard of in todays time to think of others before yourself.

My mom was adopted and found her birth mother when I was 15 (so my mom was 35). It was all handled through a private eye who made sure she wanted to be contacted before my mom contacted her outright or had any of her information...actually we found my mom's biological half sister first, living about 2 miles away from us -- then moved onto the mom. It was a good experience though we didn't grow close to her. She died a few years later of a tumor pressing against her heart. So, I would say as you are growing older, time is probably of the essence if you want to try. I think a lot of birth mothers always wonder....best wishes on whatever you decide!

I had a friend who was adopted, and she was uncertain about wanting to find her biological parents. But she was able to send a letter or fill out a form, basically saying that she was willing to be contacted if they were looking for her. To my knowledge, it never happened, but it opens the door should they look for you. But it requires very little effort on your part if you aren't sure about it.

Hello N.,

My name is A. and I am 30 years old. I am a birth mother to a beautiful little boy whom I placed for adoption when I was 18 years old. I'm not sure what situation your birth parents were in and why they chose adoption, but I can tell you why that's the choice I made.

When I was 17 years old I met a boy I thought was perfect. Turned out he was abusive. When I became pregnant I wanted nothing more than to be a good mother for my child. However, I knew that I didn't want him raised by such an awful father. Even if the birth father only had my son part time, he would be an influence in his life. With the support of my family and church, I began working with a wonderful social worker and I went to a support group. There were girls older than me some even younger. Not all were placing for adoption. The choice to place my son for adoption was not an easy one. I went back and forth with my decision. I just loved this little child growing inside of me so much, I would do anything for him. Once I decided on adoption I looked thru lots of profiles of families hoping to adopt, I found the family that, in my heart, I knew were my sons parents.

I know I made the right decision. He is so happy and loved and I'm grateful to know that. I don't have physical contact with him but, I do get letters and pictures and I am very grateful for that. He knows my name and that im his birth mom but its up to him whether we meet one day. I WOULD LOVE THAT!

I'm not sure what situation your birth parents were in but, I think its worth it to try and find them. Especially since you have such a wonderful relationship with your true parents.

Good luck with your search.

I am adopted too. I would love to know the genetics of my biological parents and maybe the demons that drive me but I don't want to impose in their lives.

I am interested in the answers here.

I did find out from my divorce attorney, who actually specializes in adoption, that I would need my parents permission to find anything out through the system. Funny thing, I just couldn't bring myself to ask my dad that. Even if it didn't hurt him I would feel like it did.

Oh, SM my adoption agency will do that. I couldn't bring myself to fill out that paper cause then if they never contacted me... *sniff sniff*

I placed my baby for adoption 11 years ago. It was one of the most positive events of my life...very life changing. I met my son's parents and physically placed him into their arms...we had emailed back and forth for months...etc. It was by far THE most difficult decision I have ever made...but the way it played out was wonderful. I love getting information about him...but I'm so at peace with his family now...I constantly think about him...but I don't constantly stress about him (If that makes sense). I love getting information...but I don't sit at home worrying about him...I know his parents are doing a better job than I ever could have at that point in time raising him. My ex-boyfriend however (who I found out was engaged to someone else the entire time we were dating)...he moved back home...got married...never told his wife or his family anything about me or the child he fathered. It would probably throw a kink in his life. I haven't tried to hide it from anyone (my own children included)...so I would be thrilled if I were in your birthparents shoes :). Also, if I didn't have as much knowledge as I do about him and his family now...I would wonder a lot more how he's doing and if I had made the right choice. I say go for it...it's not like you have to show up on their doorstep. If you had a way of speaking only to your birthmother (on the phone or something) and telling her your thoughts...you could probably get a good feel of how to proceed without throwing a kink into anybody's life. It may turn into a real positive thing for both of you :).

Yes, absolutely. If I had a baby and gave her up for adoption, there isn't a day that would go by that I would wonder how she is doing. I think it's only human for a woman to feel some connection to a child that she once carried even though she didn't raise her. I have a friend who was adopted, she is 37 now, and has debated all these years whether or not she should try to find her birth mother. I keep telling her that she should. So what if it doesn't turn out to be a spectactular reunion? That's not the point...the point is life is short and either the birth mother or adoptee may need closure. I would imagine that giving up a child for adoption is hard and also admirable as you are putting the childs best interests before your own. Be grateful that your birth mother gave you the life you have.

I say go for it:)

M.

M.

I have a few friends that are adopted and when they have found thier bio parents it is has been unwanted and unwelcomed because many of them make this decision when they are young and do not ever mention it again to anyone. I am not saying do not do it because of this but if you decide this is what is right for you and your situation you be prepared for this being the outcome. That's is the problem with adoption (if there is a problem) it leaves people wondering and playing the "what if" game, that often leads to dollars spent and heartbreak. So, consider all the options and outcomes and ensure that this is what you want for you and your family no matter the outcome. Good Luck and I wish you well no matter what you choose.

It is really hard to say. I know for me, finally hearing from my birth daughter and her family was a blessing. But it did bring up alot of painful memories for me. But the peace I have gained was worthit . It is hard to be a birth mom as we are not as open as many families with adopted children, and the support you are likely recieve is very short term. And I have seen many people older than me seem to feel like they have to hide that kind of imformation. And then there was how to handle telling me son. I know it was a posiblity, so I was somewhat prepared for that talk. There are lot of emotions that I think go on both sides. I would encourage you to try to find her/them. I think it the peace it could bring is worth the risks.

I read your letter and loved it because I would love my aopted daughter (3 years old now) to feel that way. But it sounds like you unconsiously want to meet your bio-parents. Most girls do if for nothing but to see if they look like them. Are your adopted parents still alive? I would consider their feelings first. I don't think your bio-parents need to know how you've turned out. Count your blessings that they had the sense to place you with a great family who could take care of you when they couldn't. It could turn out well or you could be opening a can of worms. Either way it could hurt your real parents feelings.
Best of luck!

I wasn't adopted so I can't answer that for myself but I have a girlfriend who gave a child up after giving birth as a teenager. My friend is in her late fifties now. I know she's been waiting all these years to be found.

Wow - I think that is very unselfish of you! There is so much stigma about adopted children - I'm glad to see that you break the stereotype. I think that so many people don't realie that biological children are every bit as "normal" or as "screwed up" as adopted children.

Although I have nothing to do with adoption, I would think that you have to be in a really good place to bring someone into your life who has such a close connection to you. And who may want more than you can give.

I'd think it wouldn't hurt to see if they are looking for you and then decide from there what will work best for you. I wouldn't seek them out however, I would see if they are looking. If they are, then you have a decision to make. Good luck with whatever you do!

I, too, was adopted and decided to find out who I was. Although, unlike you my adopted parents where not nice people..cold distant and never really liked me. But it gave me a sense of closure and to know where I came from and who I was. But since you have great parents I would suggest speaking with them and tell them of your desire and ask if it would hurt them. Please let me know what happens and if you need help locating your birth parents I would be glad to help. Also, your parents (adopted) might be able to give you some information if they know of your interest. GOOD LUCK

I know you asked for women who gave up their children, but I just wanted to respond. I just watched a movie the other day on this called "Mother and Child". I don't see how a woman would ever stop thinking about her child, whether she kept it or gave it up for adoption. If I was you, I would talk to your mom and dad and just let them know how you feel and that you wanted their blessing just to find your biological parents to just let them know "Thank You" for giving me the greatest parents ever, for giving me life. Or whatever you want to tell them.

I do think as human beings we do want closure in everything, this of course is a major situation. But as teenagers when our heart is broken by our first love, we want to know why, when we don't get a job we know we are qualify for, we want to know why. How much more would you want to know how your child turned out, that you did the right thing by giving her a great life. I know you said you have no need to meet them, but I would be so curious if I was you just to see what they looked like. I know with each of my pregnancy I couldn't wait to see what my baby looked like.

You are truly bless N. and I do hope you try to find the woman who gave you life and gave you to your mother and father.

I donated eggs, six times, to seven women. I would LOVE to one day meet those children... Biology is profound. I know from meeting my own father at the age of 27 -- it gave me peace to see where the other half of my face came from...

I often think about the children who share my biology. I hope and pray that they have been living wonderful lives.