Question for Other Adoptive Parents

I am not a adoptive parent, but I may have an idea you can try. It came with mentioning your husband having grown-up versions of tantrums. When my kids have a tantrum whether it is just crying or throwing them selves around or just being completely disagreeable, my husband will dramatically imitate their tantrum. For instance, I have a rule at my house that you have to eat any fruit and vegetables on your plate before you can leave the table. Yesterday morning, my 9 year old who for whatever reason does not like fruit of any kind got up from the table without eating his pineapple chucks. My husband ordered him to sit back down and eat them. My 9 year old sulked up and said that he did not like fruit. My husband told him to eat them or he could sit there all day. My nine year old ate with the most deplorable face you ever saw and my husband responded by exaggerating a disgusted face and gagging and all that goes with having something nasty in your mouth. My son continued with his face, but it was clear that he was having some trouble keeping it up. My husband has been know to throw himself on the floor and kick and scream while exaggerating a tantrum.

When my children fall and it is obvious that they are OK, my husband will exaggeratedly check on the floor or whatever they fell against to insure that it didn't get "hurt" before checking on the child. This usually shocks my kids out of crying or stops the tears if they have already started.

I haven't adopted, but I did work for years with kids and adults with special needs. It seems like all the kids who had speech delays and communication issues had tantrum problems. Does your child seem extremely frustrated that you don't understand him?

I don't know how old your child is. I am sure that you know him better than anyone else, so you know what sets off his tantrums. Does there seem to be a pattern? If there doesn't seem to be one, jot down in a notebook anyway what happened right before the tantrum and how you responded. It is best to try and prevent tantrums, because once they start, your child may not listen to anything.

Is he emotionally overwraught or can he calm down immediately if you were to give him what he wanted? If he is out of control emotionally, even after receiving whatever it was that he wanted, I would guess that the emotions of being adopted and the trauma from beforehand may be more of the reason for the tantrums. If his tantrums stop after he gets what he wants, then the tantrums are from frustration over the lack of communication skills. I know you probably don't want to give in to tantrums, but I think you should several times just to see why he is so hysterical. Just think if a baby screaming when they want something, but as soon as they learn to talk, you have to keep reminding the baby to tell you with their words what they want rather than cry and scream. This may be all it is. Then after a while, when the speech comes faster to the babies brain or when crying doesn't work because you play dumb with them, then you push your baby to talk, right? So maybe try that with your child.

HI--
I have something random to offer. In Eastern medicine tantrums, well anger really, is caused by an imbalance of the liver. Often it is due to food allergies/sensitivities. Have you had him tested? That may be where the tantrums come from. Just a thought--both my husband and my kids get extra angry when they eat something they are allergic to.
J.

I'm not an adoptive parent, but you may try reading How to Raise an Emotionally Intelligent Child. It sounds like he doesn't know how to express himself yet, and the tantrums seem to be working right now.

Have you also just told him to let you know when he is done with the tantrum and wants to talk, then walk away? I've heard of a lot of tantrum throwers stopping when they no longer get what they want.

You son is very lucky to have you, and it is great that you were able to adopt.

Hi,

I can relate, my daughters are adopted and my youngest sounds a lot like yours. First, does the chair work? If it does, it may not be such a bad thing as it would then appear that your son knows it is a safe place and that he can quiet himself down. It's hard telling how long he's been home but if the transistion is relatively new (and that can range up to a year) he may be overstimulated by everything going on and need a safe place in which to calm down.

If the chair doesn't work, then you may want to look at other forms of discipline. Also consider that your youngest is probably battling for your attention. I know my youngest did. To this day (and she's now 7) she wants all the attention, hence using any method she can. I try to provide positive reinforcement for the times she's doing appropriate things. Over time, that has really helped. Now, her behavior has gotten a lot better!!!!

Also, consider whether he is hungry or tired. My youngest used to and still does melt down easily when she's tired or hungry. A nap or a snack can go a long way to shortcircuiting the behavior.

And finally, yes, the adoption may be the root of some/all of the behavior. The kids and you need to learn to attach to each other. You may have attached but he may not or is testing the limits to see what may cause you to reject him. My daugthers both, like to be cuddled to this day. I've found that touch, a hand around the shoulders, holding hands..., really can help especially if I see the behavior going down hill.

I echo the advice to check into Early Intervention. My youngest was evaluated when she first came home. It proved to be extremely helpful.

Good luck. Remember deep breaths help. Also, if you are getting angry, try giving yourself a time out. I've done it a few times and my kids look at me in wonder and stop whatever behavior was causing the problem to watch me in my time out. When they tried to talk to me, I would say that I couldn't talk because I was in time out. I'd get a whole 15 minutes of quiet time all to myself!

Sue

Hi Mommy -

I am an adoptive parent of a child who was also adopted internationally. I don't see how old your son is, but a couple of suggestions. First off, you need to find a new social worker. Your social worker should be a resource for you and not be brushing off your legitimate concerns. I know you mentioned he does not have RAD, but it can take many different forms. Has he been assessed? You might want to check out www.radkid.org for more information. The website also contains a list of therapists, by state, who specialize in the treatment of RAD. You also mention a speech delay due to English not being his language of origin. Have you checked into Early Intervention for speech therapy? This is a great resource and is available to all kids under the age of three. Please feel free to email me if you have any specific questions. I agree with you, his acting out is likely related to his adoption and not just related to his personality. Good luck.

My answer doesn't really have anything to do with the tantrums, but with his limited communication. My son didn't talk much until he was almost 2. We communicated a lot through sign language. Our library has quite a few children's books that teach signs. We also borrowed Signing Time DVD's from the library which my son loved to death.

Good luck!