Question About Pregnancy and Drama

Updated on May 31, 2013
C.Z. asks from Manning, IA
23 answers

So this other question got me wondering. And please take this the best way possible.

Why do some women act like pregnancy is a disability. I am not talking about the sick, the high risk, or the first time moms even. I am talking about the moms that are on their third child and pretending they cannot help their SO with anything. I mean really. When I was pregnant I was putting in a fence for cattle!

I think this may be a pet peeve of mine but can someone please try to explain it? And please understand I am talking perfectly healthy female/baby pregnancies.

Also something on the subject that is slightly sending me through the roof right now and this is a vent. My 31 year old sister is pregnant. Now this wouldnt bother me but she has three boys 1 who lives with his fathers mother, and two that were taken away only months ago do to difficulties in her life. To top it all off she had her tubes untied to do it! Now I love her and I am glad she wants a family but FFS take care of the ones you have! Her youngest (for now) has been kicked out of 3 schools (he is in first grade!) How in all get out can I be happy about this mess!?!?

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answers from Washington DC on

It sounds like she's just a generic mess, so pregnancy is just part of her puzzle. You don't have to be happy. I wouldn't be.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Denver on

I think everyone handles pregnancy differently, and what you see as a "perfectly healthy pregnancy" might not be. I would have looked "perfectly healthy" while pregnant, but I had back pain like a muther. I also would swell at the end of the evening so bad that I thought my skin would split. And then I got pregnancy insomnia which made me overly emotional. Not to mention my husband and I were having problems. So, please don't judge so quickly. You cant always "see" what the problem is.

4 moms found this helpful

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answers from Kansas City on

I'm sorry. I couldn't support her choice to have this baby. Nor would I respect a man who makes a baby with a woman with a track record like that!

I totally believe in second chances. But usually that involves cleaning up your past messes before moving forward. I don't mean your sister, per we, but women like that frost me.

Why in earth would anyone want another child when they can't care for the oneS she has? Do women think they are manufacturing unconditioan love? A life with a (another, trapped) man? Higher child support payments?

As for the "helplessness"? I was 39 and worked right up til delivery. I can't tolerate a helpless woman in any context! I don't get it either.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

Don't even get me started! I'm one of those pregnant gals that does everything I usually do plus some, so....for my HS co-op, I planned out all my activities well in advance, so my partner had everything, plus some, for when I wasn't there.

Another mom just had her third last night. She did NOTHING for co-op this whole session. Her partner planned and executed every activity. And she was told to just sit and do nothing by another mom.

I think it comes down to those who are lazy using it to be even more lazy.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Columbia on

I'm with you on this topic. I don't get it. A healthy woman with a normal pregnancy can work out, do chores, and do anything unless her belly is in the way.

The other thing I don't understand is how women can blame their weight on their kids....when their kids are 8 years old or more! No, sorry, there's a friggen statute of limitations on baby weight!

4 moms found this helpful


answers from San Diego on

To answer the first part: There are so many factors when you are pregnant! I have had 3 kids and my abilities and general overall feeling with each of them was different.
With my third I threw up more than my other 2 pregnancies combined. Everything set me off. During a very large part of the third trimester she was sideways, flipping back and forth (grateful she went head down at the last moment at the end!!!) The pain of where she was lying was excruciating! It took my breath away so much more than with my other 2 because her back was pushing up against my lungs and ribs in a way the other 2 did not. I absolutely could not do the same things that I could when pregnant with my other 2. But, looking at me you would never know or realize that and would just think I was being lazy on purpose. Also, I had 2 other kids to take care of that took a lot more of my energy. Same thing with my second.
Even my pregnancy with my first and second was very different. I was in much better shape before getting pregnant with my second than I was with my first. That did help to some degree.
Not everyone can just get up and keep going. Just looking at them doesn't tell you what's going on.
As to an answer about your sister. There are just some people that are going to be train wreaks no matter what anyone tries to do to help.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Portland on

Two part question, huh? And I'd never seen "FFS" before but sussed it out pretty quickly. ;)

I don't know about 'pregnancy as a disability' but I was exhausted all the time when I was pregnant. And felt mentally *dumber than I've ever felt*. I also have a genetic condition wherein I don't process/use B vitamins, but didn't know it back then. That fact that this one pregnancy made it to term after repeated miscarriages was nothing short of amazing for me. (The B vitamin issue also may have been the cause of the miscarriages, come to find out. MTHFR genetic mutation.)

I'm glad so many other women were superstars during their pregnancy. We can't all be...

As for your sister, you can honor the baby, not the mom, right? You don't have to be happy about this at all, just remember that this is your nephew or niece, who didn't get a say in the matter. Compartmentalization can be a good thing! (And I have a sib like this, so I know deeply some of those same "are you serious!" feelings.)

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Milwaukee on

I know several people who have no pregnancy symptoms and have plenty of energy throughout their pregnancy. Hurray for them. That, however, is not the experience for all of us. When I'm pregnant I feel like I've been hit by a semi truck. Every. Single. Day. Believe me, I wish it weren't so. I wish that I had more energy to run after my kids. I wish that taking a shower wasn't so exhausting that I felt like I needed a nap. Pregnancy is a very individual experience. Every woman experiences it differently. Please do not assume that because you have one experience that it is like that for all women.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Anchorage on

Sometimes woman can have issues in pregnancy that you can't see, so please don't be too quick to judge. If you know they are perfectly healthy with perfectly normal pregnancies then I would just chalk it up to them being extra careful just in case. I don't really see the huge deal, I mean you are only pregnant for a short time so it is not like they are milking it forever. For myself, I tried to do everything my self and got very frustrated when the condition of my knee joints doubled with the extra weight made things more difficult for me.

As for the second part of your question, I understand fully your frustration. The poor children she already has need love and guidance from her. All you can do it give her what support you can (and them) and hope she grows up and takes responsibility for her children, all of them.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Seattle on

Well, you are obviously fantastic for being pregnant and being able to put in a fence. :)
I did a bunch of stuff too when I was pregnant, but I certainly had my days where not one gosh darned thing got done and then when my husband said, "why isn't anything done?" I would say "I'm pregnant and growing a human inside my belly."
As for your sister....I got nothing. She sounds totally irresponsible and her children are suffering for it. Poor kids.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Seattle on

I can't stand women who act like they are helpless, regardless of whether they are pregnant or not. (This does not include women who are instructed not to do something by their doc.)

No comment on your sister.

ETA: I had to add "not" to a sentence above. oops

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Philadelphia on

christy i agree that you cant use kids as an excuse for weight but only more than 5 lbs....for some we have that tiny area that J. never goes back to normal...i mean i guess it would with TONS of exercise. although i blame my extra weight on my laziness not my 6 year old.

i was high risk and still was very active and did yard work until they day i had my daguther

2 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

I was in the same boat with my daughter 6 years ago. She already had four children. I was raising one; the paternal grandma was raising another; and the oldest two were living with their father. She didn't even tell me about the pregnancy because she knew how unhappy I would be. She stayed away and I didn't even know until she was about 7 months.

All I did was tell her that she was on her own with this one. I had pretty much financially supported all of her children until they went to live with others. I had already told her that I would not support any more of her children. So, when I found out about this last pregnancy, I simply told her she was on her own with this one and she has been. My heart breaks for my little grandson sometimes, but I simply cannot take on any more of her children. I do help financially, but not to the extent that I used to and I cannot take him to live with me as he is only five and there is no money in our budget for daycare.

So, guess the advice is you don't have to be happy. It's her mess; let her handle it

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

I think you have some left over frustration (justified) with your sis and have decided to take it out on pregnant women. You can't lump them all together as either super women or lazy.

Your sis seriously has some mental issues. Not ones that make excuses for her lousy behavior but do offer some explanation. Check out

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Miami on

Your sister's mental health issues are not yours, so you don't need to "be happy" about a situation that is destined to end poorly. You don't need to be supportive and you don't need to pretend to approve of the situation.

As for the first part of your question... I don't know. It makes me crazy too. My husband actually thanked me for not being "one of those women" who feels like they need to be on a pedestal while pregnant. Heck... I was helping him lay sod and plant annuals the day I went into labor (both times). Unless there's a problem, there's no need to stop living your life and doing what you normally do!

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

well, your sister is clearly troubled, and it's even more troubling that she continues to reproduce. so she's a special case.
i think some women are just eager to take advantage of some time to be pampered a little. i'm with you in that it's frustrating to see basically healthy women abdicate their power, but pregnancy is different for each woman, and it's really not our place to judge how difficult any one stage is. sometimes a gal may look just fine, but be exhausted, or horribly nauseated, or aching to beat the band.
i was more like you, busy til the last minute (despite my titanic weight gain), but i think that's more a matter of luck than virtue.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Sioux City on

I'm with you! I have carried six and buried two. I don't do drama and I don't have a lot of patience for it either. My last pregnancy was difficult and very high risk and I still did most of the work I did before being pregnant. I hate listening to women complain about how hard their pregnancies are. I don't have a lot of patience for it. I also wouldn't have a lot of patience for your sister. What ever happened to "I am woman hear me roar." I'm feeling like it's more like "I am woman hear me whine." Life doesn't happen without some sacrifice and suffering. It is the way you conduct yourself through it that defines your character.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Hartford on

I can't believe I'm reading this.

Are you actually in a position right now to be judging anyone on when they get pregnant and how strangers/friends/family behave during an assumed-to-be-healthy pregnancy?

Stones and glass houses, honey. Just saying.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

I had two high rist pregnancys and I worked as much as I could. I would not try to use it to get out of anything. So I don't understand how someone that has a perfectly "normal" pregnancy should try to get out of doing stuff. I worked full time with both and was at work when I could be and sometime was there when I should have been at home. Sounds like there are deeper issues than trying to get out of doing stuff.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Houston on

I had HORRIBLE morning sickness for the first three months of my pregnancy. After that I was fine and was riding a bicycle until month 8 when my doctor made me quit.

So, I can see both sides.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Honolulu on

Ditto AV below.

What a train wreck.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Cumberland on

Lordy-you can't be happy about it-just pray that she makes it right by this child-perhaps a puppy next time? I wish her all the luck in the world. The baddest kid I ever knew became a billionaire. Good luck.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Kansas City on

I had issues getting out of our couch when I was pregnant, the way the cushions sag I had to roll out onto my hands and knees and then get up that way. So, yeah, if I was down, I would ask my husband to get me stuff (even if it was just the nintendo controller that was just a few feet away). He understood and didn't mind. He did laugh at me when it was time to get up, though. (to be fair, it was pretty funny.)

I have never understood those women who send out their husband for food at all hours because they're having cravings or whatever. That drives me crazy. I also didn't understand my sister taking the week before her due date off from work. To me, if you're having a perfectly normal pregnancy, why would you take that time off when you could spend an extra week at home with your baby?

But I have had enough friends/family with issues you wouldn't be able to tell just by looking a them (best friend with hypermesis and severe ankle swelling by the end of the day) that I can't judge too much when I don't know their issues.

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