Question About My marriage.serious Honest Answers Please

Updated on May 29, 2012
A.M. asks from Chapin, SC
18 answers

My question is I over reacting to my husband going to a sexy lady night at the club.He said he "stood outside all night" and no lol I don't believe that.The party was at a local club less than a mile from here ,we live in small town where almost everyone is his family.It seems every weekend he goes somewhere and comes hom drunk.go to sleep and wake up cursing me,accusing me of sneaking outside while he is sleep and etc.
I should back up some.He is very jealous and controlling and i don't get to go anywhere.he doesn't want to go movies ,dinner, etc.he will go fishing with me and kids and thats it.We have been together 23 years and i been with him since i was 16.I am now 38 and he is 42 we have 7 kids.they are all his but let him tell it he needs dna test.My youngest is 10 and oldest is 20.I never ever cheated or thought about it but i have thought aboiut leaving,suicide etc.I think he is going thru midlife crisis or something but he is cruel and evil.he is always verbally,emotionally and sometimes physically abusive.he makes me feel llike dirt.I am asking on here because I believe in God will help me but i believe i have to start helping myself.I pray all the time so please refrain from that suggestion.I have no family,no mom, dad,(thats another story)my dad was abusive physically,sexually.i been thru alot and still going through it.It's like my husband treating me like this and why am i so upset about him going to club?in my mind i'm like i'm going thru all this and you having fun.What is wrong with me? I need some motherly or big sister advice.I'm tired of hurting over and over Sunday night he came in at 12:30 am and was drunk.woke up at 4:30 am and cursed me and kicked me so hard i have a broken vein in my leg.he is expecting a lump sum of money from workers comp settlement and personal injury soon and he is getting worst like no one can touch him and telling me to leave and etc.He doesn't want me no more.I feel he wants to be free now.he says i won't get half of his money.and he also threatened me about it too.i am at the point i dont care.

What can I do next?

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So What Happened?

just wanted to thank everyone for their input and i am taking all the information serious.i am going to start making a plan.i'm sorry i can't respond too much too quick because he checks the history and i have to delete these pages,i almost had an heart attack cause i got up early to check everyone messages and in my email was notifications about everyones messages!I had to reset the account to not alert me when someone responds.i will keep checking every chance i get.i just don't want him to get an idea what i am doing.sorry for the way i'm typing i am trying to rush before he comes in.thank you all god bless.i will try to keep you guys posted on everything.there are some great people out there you guys have shown me that.i just been around too many negative people.i have no friends or family only my its good to be able to talk to normal positive people,even if i am sneaking and doing it.

More Answers



answers from Dallas on

Please call the national domestic violence hotline 1-800-799-SAFE. If you are wanting to leave they can help you make a plan for that. If you're not ready to leave yet, they can help you develop a safety plan for when he becomes violent. They can give you contact info for local resources- shelter, support group, therapy, legal aid, etc. Please talk to a domestic violence counselor who can provide you with specific help for your needs. Your husband is not going through a midlife crisis. He is abusive. Respect yourself. Love yourself. Protect your children.

11 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

All I can say is you do have stake to that money as well. At least in Maryland you would. ANY thing gotten during a marriage is considered joint funds. A friend got divorced and had to fork over half of her 401k to her ex. She was hot, but it's the law. So I'd go ahead and leave (do you want your kids thinking this is okay?) and know you've got something coming your way that is good.

You're right, God does have something planned for you, but you have to follow his lead. If leaving is what you should do, you'll know it.

I'll be praying for you!

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Appleton on

I have been there -- done that.
You need to do 2 things 1) talk to a domestic violence shelter or hotline and get some advice on leaving --where to go and how to get there.
2) talk to a divorce attorney.

This man is violent and it's not going to get any better -- but could get so much worse. Go to a shelter.

Remember always you are a wonderful person and a loving Mom, you deserve so much more than him. Get out, go to counseling and make a life for you and your children that is loving and giving --- no one should ever be abused.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

Like the others have suggested, PLEASE call a hotline and get some advice on how you can safely get yourself and your children out of there. You never know how far someone can and will go when they're drunk.

You and your children do not deserve this. Your husband has a drinking problem that will not get better on it's own.

Also, find an Alanon meeting and get involved. You need to know that none of this is your fault; you are a great person and a wonderful mother. Don't ever let your husband make you believe differently.

That is his goal. To make you feel so horrible about yourself and believe that no one cares and no one will help you. None of that is true. All of us here on Mamapedia and many other women across the country care about you whether they know you or not. Women care about women and no woman wants any other woman to go through what you're going through.

I am so very sorry about all of this. It sounds like a horrible situation. Please call a hotline, go to a meeting and start putting a plan in place.


3 moms found this helpful


answers from Cleveland on

I am so, so sorry for what you have gone through. You don't deserve this.
Call a battered woman's shelter. They will help you. They will give you the resources you need to start a new life. They will help you and your kids get counceling, a new place to live, a job if necessary, and everything else you will need.
You can do it. It's time to end the cycle. You grew up in an abusive home. Your kids have grown up in an abusive home (whether they were abused directly or just witnessed it happening to you). It's time to stop this. You don't want your daughters to think that it is OK to be treated like this by men and you don't want your sons to think it's OK to treat women this way.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

Oh A., my heart breaks for you. Don't stop leaning on God and praying. HE is your strength and HE will provide. Never stop believing that.

A., get to a woman's shelter. Pack a bag for you and your children, and take them to safety. This man is dangerous & unstable. I am so, SO sorry that you do not have a support system to help you, but you can get there. You have to get to safety first.

Know that I (and probably all of the MP community) am praying for you. May God wrap his arms around you & your children and provide everything you need.


3 moms found this helpful


answers from St. Louis on

File for divorce before he gets the settlement check! That way he can't hide it from you. You will need your half to pay your attorney and get a new place to live! If you file before the court will consider it joint and will either give you half or hold it so he can't blow it or hide it. If he gets his hands on it it will be gone.

You need to get out of there, no one deserves to be treated like that. Who cares what he is doing at the club, what he is doing at home is enough to move on.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Atlanta on

I think of your question to Mamapedia as one step in helping yourself (and remember, God helps us through other people sometimes). As everyone else has said, you need to call a domestic violence line (either the number in Denise B's message or a local one) for some advice on how to get yourself and your younger kids into a safe place. You are one strong woman--you've survived so much already. There is help out there. Sending good thoughts and prayers to you.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

I am with Denise. It really sounds like you need to get out of there and help from people that have dealt with this situation before and know how to help you and protect you. You and your kids should not have to put up with that!!!! I don't' know about the law where you are but in TX you would get half of the money. You said you pray is there a church you can go to and talk to the pastor or a counselor there?

Good luck and God Bless!!

2 moms found this helpful


answers from New York on

I'm so glad you believe in God and that you pray. This will be a big help to you and your children. Go to a battered woman's shelter and get all the help you can. This is for your protection, health, safety, well being and your future.

See the advice of an attorney - the woman's shelter can seriously help you through this process.

Get yourself some counseling. Get the children counseling too.

His treatment of you is not because of some midlife crisis or his drinking. As a matter of fact doesn't matter what the cause is, he shouldn't be treating you like this.

As long as you are working on strengthening you, don't look back. Only look forward. It is the desire's of God's heart that your husband love you like Christ loved the church by being willing to lay down his life for you. Ephesians 5:25.

Keep this scripture close to your heart and in your mind when you pray - James 2:17.

Believe that God wants to show you his love by showing you how to love yourself. Love yourself by no longer allowing your husband or anyone to mistreat what God has made. God made you and loves you.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Phoenix on

Great first question! Welcome to MP!!!

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

You and your children are in a very dangerous situation. You need to leave, and you likely need the services of a domestic violence agency and the police. Does he have weapons? If so, it is even more vital that you contact them to help you.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

What he is doing is abusive. Start putting some money aside should you need to leave immediately. Counseling is in order and it sure seems like he also has a drinking problem. If he won't agree to counseling then you need to go for yourself. I would agree with Denise B about the domestic hotline. You should not be kicked or beaten in his drunken rages. First and foremost get a plan of action together, plan a, plan b, plan c. I am very glad that your youngest is not younger than 10. If you have nowhere to go, and the next time he gets violent like that call the police asap they can escort him to the "drunk tank" at the police station to sober up before he does something more serious. Think of your kids and yourself.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Pittsburgh on

Welcome to Mamapedia!
I'm sorry your first question is so complicated.

But sometimes we make things more complicated.

Your husband is abusive. You realize that right?
Sounds like if anyone needs a lawyer -- you do.
Call a women's shelter in a nearby town. They can guide you and your kids to safety.
Once you decide to leave--be VERY careful. That's the most dangerous time.
If he is already physically abusive, no telling what he might do at the thought of losing you.
I don't know you, A., but I know this much: You deserve better.
God bless and good luck.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Oklahoma City on

You know what to do. You need to leave like he says. It won't matter if you want that money. You truly do not need it. Believe me you will be glad to tell him that you don't want any of it, no thanks.

The shelter will help you to find low income housing, they will take you to file out papers for food stamps, child care so you can look for work or go to school to get an education so you can support yourself and your children in your future.

Here is a link to the site where you will apply for a monthly check. They will pay your child care, give you food stamps, help you get housing, help you with transportation, is the state program to help struggling families to a point where the are more independent.

Since you have 7 children you will be able to get enough money to pay rent, utilities, some other expenses, you and the kids will get state medical cards, you will be able to take care of your children and yourself and he will be able to stay at home and drink himself into a stupor.

With the benefits you can get you will have freedom to live a life and make something of yourself. You will be free of him. If you choose to not make this break from him you must not want to be free bad enough. The information is there when you are ready.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Athens on

You need to leave. God helps those who help themselves. You are still young. Don't waste your entire life being abused by this guy. It is not up to him to give you half. It is up to you to claim what is rightfully yours. Get a lawyer, try legal aid. They help abused women get divorced. They charged me $90. It was the best money I have ever spent. I wish you strength to do what you already know is what you need to do.



answers from Pittsburgh on

Please call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) and talk to them. They can help you talk through all of this, and think about your options. Please call.



answers from Denver on

Wow, sorry to hear this,you are in a tough spot. I do not have any advise other then to keep praying and asking God to help you through this, He will.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

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