Question About Husbands

I don't have specific advice, but I do think he needs to help more. It's time to sit down when the emotions are not high and explain to him how you feel and that you need his help. He's their father and needs to be more involved.
My husband works a ton, I work from home and for the most part I do the laundry and cleaning. But he comes home from work, makes dinner, helps with the kids, etc. So it is NOT a lot to ask, he's their dad and should want to be involved.
So again, I would talk to him and let him know how you feel.

Good luck to you!
A.

S. - OK. I feel your pain. My husband helped out around the house when I had the first child. Then we had twins and all that fell by the wayside. The twins had special needs (one with sensory integration dysfunction, and one with PDD) so I know how hard that is. And, we've fought many a similar battle. I can't speak for you husband, but I can tell you what I've learned.

1) Try to truly understand him. My husband extricated himself from the parenting when it got really hard. And, he did not feel capable of working with our special needs kids. Honestly, he couldn't even really allow himself to think about it, or he would get emotionally overwhelmed (worry). As the therapy bills mounted, he felt a ton of pressure to focus on his job, and to bring home the $. And just the pressure of being the sole provider was a lot for him. Now, did understanding this make me excuse him from helping - NO! But, it did give me some perspective on what HE was struggling with and why he maybe acted that way. I then didn't see it as a character flaw, but as something we'd need to work through, so I could get my physical (I needed a break - I was exhausted!) and emotional needs met.

2) Get him to understand you. The idea to give him some time alone with the kids is a good one. Give him a few tips and head out for the day. My husband used to come home and complain abut a messy house (not even that messy) and I'd be home with 2 -2 year olds with special needs and a 4 year old (all boys). Then he'd say he wasn't helping because I should have done it during the day! In my case, I not only left him home, but he got the full routine - do therapy in the home for 2-3 hours, drive a hour away for therapy, get in at least 1 hour of 1:1 time with the oldest AND clean the house. He came away frazzled, missed an appointment, and the house was a mess ("Everytime I clean, they just wreck another part!") So, that day definitely added clarity to the situation. He admitted that he thought I never cleaned, and now he coudl see how hard it was.

Beyond trying to build some empathy, though, I also suggest that you try to talk to your husband about how he feels about your son's disability. And, also try to get him involved there, if possible. Getting him to really understand things from your child's perspective and to able to be there emotionally for you as you go through this, is important. That's what makes a team. - mutual understanding and support.

3) If you can't do all this on your own, get some counseling. My husband and I went through about 3 months of counseling in the beginning of all this, but were headed for trouble again after a few years. The pressures on both ends can overwhlem. We were able to work it out ourselves this last time, but it took lots of communication, honesty, and REAL feelings. At first, my husband would just say what he thought I'd want to hear ( or say something really insensitive). Now he knows that doesn't get us very far.

I wish you the best of luck. Take care of yourself, too. Make sure you get some time off. Being a mother is so hard. Being a mother of a child with special needs brings it to a whole different level.

R.

It seems everyone here has said what I would want to say. What a great place to come for some advice, isn't it?

Anyway, I think you can gather by the other comments that you are not alone in your struggles. I think most women (or primary caregivers - Richard) have these same issues. I work full-time and so does Rich. He's very helpful around the house and with Jacob but he does have brain-farts now and then. He's been used to Sunday being "football day" from our pre-Jacob days and seems to try and get in that mode, still. Not as easy with a 16M toddling around. For me, there is no rest. I can't sit down knowing that there are dishes in the sink, laundry to be done, something to be vacuumed (we have two German Shepherd's that shed like mad), etc. Rich has no problem with this. Life with kids isn't about sitting and enjoying TV whenever you want. Don't get me wrong, we ALL need our outlets but your husband needs to walk a day in your shoes! I think that's the best advice given here. Let him try it for a day and maybe he'll see what it's like.

Also, before we had Jacob Rich would get lazy with his laundry (a chore we share). So, I stopped doing his. He came to me and goes, "I have no clean white t-shirts." I said, "When's the last time you washed any?" He got the point. And every now and then I take a load of laundry and do only my things. He catches on pretty quickly, now. Lol.

Seriously, talk to him. Tell him that it can't go on like this. See what he has to say about everything and try to come to a meeting of the minds in some way. Everyone (especially the kids) will benefit from the discussion.

Good luck. :)

As a SAHD I can relate. YH has it right - get him to take the kids for a day, and he'll see real quick how hard it is. You both work hard, and you both deserve time off, and help at home. You BOTH need to get respect for what you do. Working outside the home has different rewards and stresses then working at home does, but they both are hard.

I do most everything at home - cook, clean, laundry, kids, trash, litter, yardwork, etc. And if I was working? I'd STILL do some of that - yardwork, trash, litter, some laundry, some cooking, and some cleaning, just not as much. Your husband needs to realize this isn't 1950, and he needs to help around the house. Work does not stop when your shift is over. I'm up at 5:30-6:30 every morning, and go all day, until they go to sleep at around 7 pm (no naps). And I have TWINS.

He can do more.

Peace,
Richard

hey honey the sound of this is he doesnt want to be bugged he thinks that because he works when he is home his work is done NOT!! sit down with him and tell him how you feel and that you two both madethose kids and not just you? when you have a family its an all day 24-7 jobs for both!!tell him he needs to make time for those kids they are at the age they need both of you not just mom?? good luck with your youngest you need it from the sound of this notice!! Keep up the being a good mom more props to you on being asahm i wish i could do that i miss it tons...N.

He should definitely take an active role in his children's lives. He will regret it when they grow up and resent him for all the missed moments in life. The yare also watching your relationship and how you are being treated. You don't want them to grow up thinking this is how marriage is.

Your husband SHOULD NOT be sitting on his butt watching TV all day. I am a stay at home mom as well, and it is rare that I get to sit! It takes two parents to raise children. I work harder all day with the kids than my husband does at his job. Now that we are a family, we BOTH have to pitch in and take time away from our own hobbies. Your daughters should be helping as well. Your husband is losing out on so much fulfillment that he could be getting from raising a family. Have you tried insisting that he stay upstairs and help out? Has he witnessed the hard work you do taking care of the children? Where does he get the negative attitude from? You both would really benefit from some counseling. If he won't go with you, go alone. These years are precious and will be gone before you know it. It's important he be a good role model, because your daughters see how he is and will marry a man just like him. Is that what you want for your girls? You deserve better.

I realize that everyone's situation is different, but I am also a SAHM and my husband helps out A TON and spends time with the kids b/c that is really important to him. It really irks me when people say that their husbands work and then come home and do whatever they want to do b/c they have "been working hard all day". That was also really disrespectful of him to say that you sit on your butt all day.

I have no good advice because I have not been in that situation before, but if you don't deal with this now, it's never going to get better and it's really going to wear on you until you explode!

Hugs to you...

Hi S.. I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I know what its like to need help and not get it. It sounds like your husband is really disconnected from you and the kids. It also sounds like he may be a little resentful that you are able to stay home while he goes to work and doesn't understand the being a sahm is a lot of work, too. Another thing to consider is your husband's emotional issues surrounding your son's special needs. He may be struggling with his inability to "fix" your son's problems and doesn't know how to interact with him in a positive, supportive way. As a social worker, I can assure you that this problem won't resolve itself and it won't get better by arguing, nagging or complaining. You and your husband should seek professional help to get to the root of his isolative behaviors and begin addressing your marital issues before its too late. Good luck with everything!

I really feel for you. Luckily I have a great guy who cooks, cleans and takes care of the kids(no I don't share but I told him he needs to give classes!!) I do not know what special needs your son has but I have one son(8) with Asperger's Syndrome and one(4) who is very very active and is receiving speech therapy through school so I do understand what you are dealing with. I am also a sahm and there is no way i could do it all without my husband pitching in. My suggestion is make a list of everything you do for a week. I know it will be tough to do on top of everything but hopefully when he sees the length of the list it will help him understand. Also as tough as it is take time for yourself. Find a playgroup so that he can associate with other kids and you can talk to other adults. I live in Sandwich but I am willing to meet up with you or try to get together somewhere. I also have a friend who has four kids- one who is "normal", two that are autistic and go to a special needs school and one who is high functioning asperger's. Needless to say she does not get out much. Please contact me so if nothing else we can "vent" to each other. This does not mean we do not love our kids but this is TOUGH for others who have not been exposed to it to understand. We are interested in getting together a support group in our area.
Good Luck!!
____@____.com

To put things in perspective I strongly recommend the book "the care and feeding of husbands" by Laura Schlessinger. You will learn what is normal, exceptable, and what is out of line. Give it a try and keepp in mind that this bk. has helped me to understand what you are describing as well. Good luck S.

I don't have personal experience here but I can tell you this--the women I know who have husbands who work second and third shifts experience the same behaviors from their husbands. I (personally) think the guys' internal clocks are off so their moods are off as well.

Is there any way he could work a normal 9-5 schedule?

Bless you and your kids. You've got a lot on your plate, Mama. Hang in there.

S., it sounds like your husband is in a depression. With his only son being a special needs childs and his spouse dealing with an illness, it might be too much for him to handle. I think you guys need a third party mediator, someone who can hear your side, his side and help you together come to some type of agreement as to whose responsibilities are whose. Try to get someone who comes to the table free of bias, maybe someone in your church or your Pastor or check with your health insurance, many people do not realize that they have mental health care coverage or your last choice could be to use a community based type service that can give you free or reduced rates for family concelling.

Good Luck, hang in there! You can do it!

Does your husband want his kids to see him as the guy who brings home a paycheck, but can't be bothered to parent them? I think, for his own benefit, for his own ability to live life fully as a parent, husband, and worker, he will be happier as a full partner during the hours he's not working. My husband and I both work all day - do you think that means we ignore our children during the few hours we have with them in the evening? No, that would be ridiculous. So is your husband's position.

He probably thinks he's punishing you for making him be the wage slave, but he's hurting himself more in the long run. I agree, counseling. And personally, there's no unpaid job (SAHM) in the world that's worth it to me to be treated with that kind of ("sit on your butt all day") contempt. That's not the way respectful partners treat each other.

Wow, this touches a big sore spot for many of us moms, and I will try to be brief since you have numerous replies here.
1) Yes he should help, this is his family too and being a parent means working all the time when you are at home. There are NO breaks when you are a dad or a mom.
2) You are working a full time job. Granted it is out of your home, but just as many salesmen work from their home, so do mom's (or Cheif Family Executives, as I refer to them). I worked in an office job for years in a good position at a big company and it is WAY eaiser than dealing with children all day long--they are much harder bosses!
3) If he does not help out more soon, you will resent him and this will eat at your relationship. Perhaps draw up a list of chores that need to be done and assign him those that would help you out (dishes, meal prep., bath times). You may even consider going on a girls weekend and leaving him at home alone to see just how hard it is with no help.
Sorry but that is B.S. of your husband to take the high and mighty attitude. I hope you are able to get cooperation from him soon--professional family counseling is another avenue if you don't.
God Bless!

Your husband sounds like the 'lazy butt' to me. Comes home, sleeps, watches TV? When do you have time to watch TV? Your workload should be equal. If you don't have time to watch TV, then neither does he! Your husband needs to be on your team and realize that the two of you are in this together working hard! Just because he's the only one with an income does not change your playing field.

What do you think it would be like if you both worked outside the home? Would he then have to pitch in around the clock to help on the homefront? Get the kids fed, shopped for, bathed, off to school, etc? Tell him to imagine how much work he would have to pick up around the house if you were out working each day. It's to his benefit (and your whole family) that your work is at home.

What works for me, is that my hubby has specific chores that he does: lawn & all external maintenance, laundry, garbage, mopping, helps with our baby, and an occasional bathroom detail. That's about it, and it's enough.

It's simply not fair that you work 16 hour days 7 days a week(assume 8 for sleep), and he works 8 hrs for 5 days a week. Do the math, you're working 112 hours per week vs. 40? Gimmie a break!

I'd try to give him a day in your shoes, without doing anything to make it easier on him in any way. I've also heard (although I haven't tried it yet myself) that sometimes, when the husband doesn't seem to hear what you are saying, it's better to put it down in a letter for him to read instead. Sometimes seeing it in writing will help them digest it better.

The other thing I keep stressing to my own husband is that our children learn by example. We, as parents, need to be setting that example for them.

Even so, sometimes it seems that getting something through to my husband is about as easy as breaking open a brick wall with my head. When all else fails, counselling is the best next option.

S.,

This is such an involved problem. So, I have two words: marriage counseling.

I'm in marriage counseling right now. And I'd been through personal counseling when I was young. There's one thing that I know and that it's better to address problems, often with outside help and an unbiased opinion, before things get to an unrepairable point.

You may not consider your problem a marriage problem (maybe you do), but I would highly recommend you at least consider counseling....even if only you go at first. If you're husband is against it, try telling him that you want marriage counseling to help both of you improve yourselves which will improve your marriage and help both of you be happier. It's been my experience that telling someone you want/need counseling in a way that places blame will not work.

Good luck. I hope you and your husband can find a balance that both of you are content with.

-Jen

S. - I can understand completly!!! I am a full time working (outside of the house) mother of 4 children who does all of the inside work (cleaning, laundry, cooking, shopping, etc) and all the outside work ( mowing, weeding, gardening etc.) My husband comes home whenever (he is in outside sales and sets his own hours) eats, leaves the mess and then goes to watch T.V and is asleep usually by 8. I am up at 4:30 every morning and am running until 11p.m. every night. The only way that I have gotten him to help is to go on strike. I left the kids and everything to him. It was probably the hardest thing to do because I am home with the kids more and I didn't make dinner or clean or shop or anything. So when he got home there was a huge mess and 4 starving kids. I just laid in bed and watched T.V. I did this for about 2 weeks. He started to help but it never got completly through his head of what needed to be done. The other thing is that I had to come to the realization that I couldn't do everything and had to bring in help since he didn't help. I had a cleaning service come in once a week and I started to send out the laundry to a service also. He saw how expensive it was and I calculated how many hours he had to work in order to pay for it and he started to help more. It has gotten better, but there is still a riff about the cleaning. My kids do not have special needs but they are only 10,8,7 and 3 and are typical messy kids.

The biggest thing that I can say to you - don't expect yourself to be super mom. Hire out some help with the housework so that you can be with the kids and give them the attention that they need. If he has a fit, then tell him this is what you would be paid for working all day too!

Good luck!

This is a hot one, but I'll bite. You are not going to change him. No one can change anyone unless that person is willing to change. However, there are a few things you can do to help YOU. First, you didn't mention if your daughters have chores or help at all, but if not, it is high time the did. They are at an age where they can help a lot with dishes, laundre, cleaning and even simple meal prep. My eldest was helping with dishes and simple meals at about 10 or 11, and he's a guy. It is a great way to teach your daughters to be keepers at home. He may be the breadwinner, but you are the family manager and managers delegate tasks. Perhaps explaining that to your husband would help. Also if he see that he is the ONLY one NOT pitching in, it will hit him where it hurts him most...his pride.

Second, you can possibly let some things go. Period. Just do a mental check too see if there is anything on your plate you can remove. Third, see if there is anything that you can possibly let go that would affect your husband. For example, if he refuses to put his clothes down the laundry chute or in the hamper, leave them where they are (I know, gross and goes against every fiber of your being). He'll notice something's amiss when he has no clean underwear. Calmly explain that you were unable to attend to that b/c of all the other stuff you are doing to make the house run smoothly. Continue this pattern until he realizes he needs to make a change. Sound like you're dealing with a child? Well, it works there too! Another thing to do would be to see if he'd be willing to shadow you, ot if possible, BE you for a day. Make it a challenge to him. He'll want to prove himself, but chances are he'll see that he CAN'T handle what we handle. I am constantly amazed at how "off" my hubby gets if he has to take care of all the kids (we have 3) more than a half a day. And that's just PLAYING with them! Imagine if he had to get all the chores done too! The only other option I see is to break the TV :-) Or seek councelling. Hope this helps.

Hi Stacy,

I understand exactly how you feel. I am FULL time working mom of 3 year old twin girls and one has special needs and my husband does not help. I bathe, cook, take them to doctor appointments, you name it I do it. Not to mention my daughter who has special needs has physical therapy once a week that I have to rush out of work to get her their own time. I have a nanny now but, it wasn't until I put my foot down that my husband agreed to the idea of someone in our house when we are not home, before now I took them to a sitter. My husband does not cook, clean or volunteer to watch the girls so, I can take a break. In addition, I have to work with my daughter on excerises so eventually she will walk, well of course that is hard because both my girls want my attention and I have asked my husband time and time again to help and he doesn't or if he does he is not thorough. I could go on and on but, the moral of my story is I had to decide is it worth adding to the stress I already have because regardless of my husband's desires I am still going to do what is best for my girls! I agree with one of the ladies who suggested that you pick your battles and decide when it is worth it to argue with your husband. Just yesterday my husband made some snide remark about me not watching the kids because he heard noise and I was in the basement doing LAUNDRY! OH! that was worth me giving him a peice of my mind. Any time you need to vent just let me know because I can defintely relate!

S. - Don't know if you've had the opportunity to try this "experiment" yet.

I was on maternity leave for 4 months and my husband - as helpful as he usually is - made the mistake of assuming that it was "easy" to stay at home taking care of a newborn, doing all the household chores, etc. and he would get mad at me when I vented about how exhausted I was.

Well, a friend of mine needed me to take of her baby for an entire day because her nanny was unavailable and my hubby spent one full day alone with the baby. HAHAHA - he shut up quickly after that experience. He was ready to pass out when I got home and he didn't even do chores!

I can only imagine the difficulty you have taking of 3 kids, not just one.

From what other women say about their husbands, it seems that men just don't know how to empathize sometimes unless they are thrown into your shoes. Plus, most of them do not know how to multi-task.

If your birthday is coming up soon or even if it's not - ask your husband if he could possibly spare one day out of the week - one FULL day to mind the kids and run the house, maybe on a Saturday or Sunday. Then you take the day to do what you want.

Taking care of the kids and house all day long so he has clean clothes and a nice home to come home to is HARD WORK. He needs to be thrown into your shoes for a day to appreciate you for the strong woman you are.

Wish you the best of luck!

S.,

I am a sahm to a 4 1/2 month old son. I am sorry for your situation. My husband works full time, and every week tells me my job as a sahm is harder than his (though he has a very demanding job). I guess I am very lucky b/c he is always doing work around the house, and when he gets home from work, he is so excited to spend time with our son. I read that a sahm should earn $130K for the childcare, cooking, cleaning, etc. that she does. It sounds like your husband isn't appreciative at all. I'm not an expert, but it sounds like this may be part of a bigger problem (I don't want to stick my nose where it doesn't belong, but maybe he's unhappy about something in his life). Has he ever cared for all the kids by himself one day? I know when my husband spent all day taking care of the baby, he was exhausted and told me how hard it would be to do it everyday. Maybe if he did this it would help put things into perspective for him, and make him appreciate you more. Good luck.

I'll give you my perspective as a working mother with a stay at home husband. Also, I stayed home for my daughter's first 5 months, with my husband working - so I feel like I know both sides pretty well.

1. Working outside the home. It can be stressful and the commute isn't "down time" because it is crazy and busy. So it can be long days. My job is so busy I eat breakfast and lunch at my desk, rarely go to the bathroom, and am alway late with somethings. I also travel quite a bit, so I'm always playing catch up at work.

2. Working inside the home (I can only imagine the additional stress with a special needs child). It can be stressful but there's no communte. When I was home, I would have given anything for a 30 minute el ride as down time. I ate breakfast, lunch and dinner "at work", often not having anything because of the timing of what had to get done and I wasn't in control of the schedule. You can't "stop" for a while and walk around the office/factory or chat with co-workers for a break.

What I'm saying is that you both have hard jobs. Unfortunately, your husband doesn't see that. Do you see that he has stress to? If you can sit down with him and let him know that you understand that when he comes home he needs to decompress, but you need his help with things around the house on an everyday basis. Outside /yard work is part of the household work, but it can be "put off" or at least scheduled to some extent. Childcare, dinner, laundry, cleaning wear on you because they are neverending.

To be honest, my husband and I had to sit down again this weekend to discuss needs and expectations,as some things we thought would work didn't. So don't expect to get a perfect solution the first time. Try something, see how it goes (maybe you say 2 days a week he gets your son ready for school while you do laundry or something - & so the two of them can bond).

Good luck. And Happy Halloween to all three of your little goblins!