Question About Eye Color--please Don't Judge!

Updated on August 05, 2018
B.A. asks from Ann Arbor, MI
18 answers

I have dark brown eyes and my husband has blue eyes. Both of our boys ended up with blue eyes and people comment on this constantly, saying that since brown is dominant they should have brown eyes. I get weirdly sad that at least one of my kids didn't end up with my eye color. My mother had blue eyes so I know I carry a recessive gene but I'm still sad that I didn't pass on this trait. We aren't probably having any more kids at this point. Please don't judge--I'm so grateful to have healthy children and am so thankful for them. I feel silly for feeling this way about a pretty inconsequential thing. And no, I don't have depression or other issues, I just wish my kids looked a little more like me in obvious ways. Anyone else relate?

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So What Happened?

Thank you! You all have made me feel better. Of course tonight I heard again that my youngest son is "all my husband". Don't people get that mind don't like to hear that their babies don't look like them? What's wrong with people. Anyway, thanks for all the support.

Featured Answers

T.D.

answers from New York on

I have brown eyes. Hubby has blue. Both kids have blue. I hear all the time that this one or that one looks just like hubby when he was such n such age. Rarely do I hear that they look just like me.So I understand how you feel!

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B.C.

answers from Norfolk on

I kind of get what you're talking about but I'm sure your kids have things from you that you haven't noticed.
I have a slight eyebrow whorl in one eyebrow.
Got it from my mother - and my son has it too.
The back of sons neck has the same hairline that I have - which is different from Dad's.
Son's eyes are a slightly lighter shade of brown than Dad's (same with brown hair) - and not like my hazel eyes - which isn't something that upsets me.
I've always sort of wished my eyes were a little more green.

Sometimes genetics isn't as easy to figure out just by looking at what's typically dominant.
Soon as you think you have it all figured out - Nature surprises you!
If people are really constantly commenting about your kids eye color - you shut them down by saying their eyes are beautiful and it matters not what color they are.

It's possible your grand kids could get your brown eyes.
Sometimes these things skip a generation.

https://genetics.thetech.org/how-blue-eyed-parents-can-ha...

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D.B.

answers from Boston on

This will be a great moment when your kids take biology. You'll all learn more and can marvel about nature's wonders!

You will soon see that you have passed on many traits to your children. Some of these will thrill you. Some of these will annoy you - LOL! You have no control over it. I know that you know your sadness about eye color isn't rational, and that's okay - we can be emotional and a little irrational at times.

What's a shame - and what you have to get over - is letting the ill-thought-out comments of other people get to you. Parenting will be miserable if you let other people's opinions make you feel sad, guilty, incompetent, insignificant, or "less than" other parents. So you have to find some sort of standard response. First of all, it's ridiculously rude of them to comment on physical looks and resemblances - with the huge number of blended and adoptive families, it's really awful of these people to make assumptions about the DNA and parentage (and therefore, "legitimacy") of children! I have so many friends with adopted kids - who are their kids - who just roll their eyes with every "he doesn't look like you" or even "she has your eyes" type of comment. So they've learned some standard responses - not excuses or explanations of what is no one's business - mostly a raised eyebrow or a quizzical look followed by a "Really? What an odd thing to say. It never occurred to any of us."

It's a good skill for a lot of things and I hope you consider it for this and other issues.

I think, as time goes on and your kids grow more and develop their personalities and viewpoints, you'll see much more of you in them. My son doesn't look like me much at all, but I'm so grateful to have had him after many years of infertility. And when I see his goofy personality in photos he puts on Facebook - he's always the fun-loving guy in the group pics - I realize how much of my outgoing personality he has. I see myself in his values, in his activism, in his loyalty to his college (my alma mater), and in his thoughtfulness. I'd so much rather have that than physical resemblance.

I hope you can get to that point - I think you'll all be happier. You don't want your children to judge others on physical attributes, so you don't want them to think you judge them on theirs. Hang in there!

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J.B.

answers from Boston on

I get it with my oldest son, who doesn't look a thing like me. His biological father isn't in the picture at all so it seems unfair that he takes after a guy whom he's never met but boy, that kid is way better looking than I am LOL. If I didn't give birth to him, I wouldn't know he's mine.

One of my younger boys has always been considered my mini-me but he's starting to look more like his dad, so you never know. They change over time and you might start to see some of yourself in them as they get older.

FWIW, all of my biological kids have blue eyes, and my younger two have a brown-eyed dad. The dominant/recessive thing with eye color isn't as cut-and-dried as we were taught in school with those little Xx Yx boxes. I read somewhere that blue-eyed/brown-eyed parents with no other color in their families have a 13% chance of having blue-eyed children. So the next time someone brings that up, you can share that fun fact with them and change the subject.

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T.S.

answers from San Francisco on

Yep, I'm a white blue eyed blonde and all three of my kids have their father's brown eyes and brown hair, and olive skin. Sure I sometimes used to look longingly at the little tow heads on the playground but my children's beauty (and their gorgeous tanning ability) helped me get over that pretty quick. Oh, and I was asked on more than one occasion if they were adopted! I wanted to scream "no I pushed them out of my vagina after more than nine long months thank you very much!" but I just smiled and said no, they just take after their father...

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M.D.

answers from Pittsburgh on

I have blue and DH has brown. Boys have blue. I've had people say to me "Your DH has brown eyes, what a surprise that your boys have blue eyes" (or similar nonsense). I look them straight in the eye and say "The mailman has blue eyes" just to watch their faces.

But really, what it comes down to is:
1) they don't understand genetics and
2) this is beyond none-of-their business

4 moms found this helpful

W.W.

answers from Washington DC on

B.

Both my husband and I have DARK BROWN eyes. My mom and his mom BOTH had blue eyes.

Both my husband and I have DARK BROWN hair as well.

One of our sons was born a toe head - with bright blue eyes (to be honest - that's what I prayed for - a blue eyed boy). He had been "pasty white" for years. His hair was soo blonde that you couldn't see his eye brows until he was 14. He doesn't look like either of us - he resembles my sister in law (husband's sister).

Our other son? Olive colored skin, BLACK EYES and BLACK hair. He doesn't look like me - but there are times I see it.

BOTH OUR BIOLOGICAL children - same parents, not halves, etc.

I wouldn't stress over this. If and when they have kids? They can have your brown eyes. You will see you in other ways - their personality - smile, laughter, etc. Don't look for just the eyes...there is so much more to them!

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R..

answers from San Antonio on

My husband and both his parent have blue eyes.

I have brown/black eyes and my parents are blue eyes and brown/black like me.

So, my kids having 3 out of 4 grandparents with blue eyes and one with dark brown had a 50/50 chance of blue or brown. (If you go back further they had 5 blue, 1 hazel/green, and 2 brown great grandparents). A 50/50 split it what all the info on genetics say.

I got two blonde haired, blue eyed kids. Both of them.

I have been asked if I was their nanny when they were younger.

Yes, people have been shocked when they put me and my kids together as I could pass for Hispanic or Native American. And they look so fair and pale. But genetics are amazing things. I will admit I was hoping my daughter would look more like me, and people say she does in her features but not at all in her coloring.

Try not to let it bother you I bet your son's blue eyes are stunning. I get the comments but I just tell people, "I must not own a dominant gene." and laugh. They laugh too, and we move on. Good luck!!

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S.B.

answers from Houston on

My husband has brown eyes and I have green. Our daughter has blue eyes and our son has hazel. Genetics is a fascinating thing.

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E.A.

answers from Erie on

I'm a redhead with green eyes. My husband has brown hair and hazel eyes. Every single one of my 4 kids was born with blonde hair and blue eyes. My oldest has red hair in his beard and armpits, otherwise they all display these recessive traits. Statistically, this is a very rare occurrence, but like the others said, DNA is fascinating!

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A.W.

answers from Kalamazoo on

Hey, maybe you'll get a beautiful brown eyed grand baby some day!!!!

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S.T.

answers from Washington DC on

my mom had brown eyes, my dad's are blue. out of 6 kids only one boy has brown eyes.

i do find it weird that people 'comment on it constantly.' ??

i'm sure your boys have inherited some nice things from you. seems like it would be good to focus on them.
khairete
S.

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N.K.

answers from Miami on

I am dark blonde with turquoise eyes and fair skin, as in, the kind that burns. Mom is quite fair, though she doesn't burn and has an olive undertone, but has black hair and brown eyes, my sister has darker skin, kind of like a mocha color, with dark hair and dark eyes. Now that dad is no longer alive, people ask me if I am adopted all the time -- if they saw him, they'd know I certainly am his child as I look like I could have been his sister when he was younger. Even then, dad had hazel eyes and dark brown hair. My grandmother on his side was a blue-eyed redhead though so maybe that's where I get my light hair and light eyes from? My daughter has green eyes, like the color of an olive, while her dad has brown eyes. I don't know, genes are just funny that way, you never know what you're going to get!

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R.K.

answers from Boston on

Just a funny reality here. I read your question and remembered how important it was to me that my children looked like my husband, because I thought he had more attractive features! In fact, I was overjoyed that they had "his nose". Now, years later, it hardly seems real that it was so important to me. All my best!

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J.C.

answers from Anchorage on

My husband has blue eyes and so do both of my boys, mine are green. I totally understand the feeling of sometimes wishing you could see your eye color on your children, it doesn't mean you think they are anything less than perfect as they are!

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B.K.

answers from Pittsburgh on

Hi. Last semester I took a genetics class at PSU. Eye color is NOT a single-gene trait. And brown eyes are not necessarily dominant in your family just because you have them. If your mother has blue eyes and your hubby has blue eyes and his family has blue eyes you and your brown eyes are recessive. My mom and Mother-in-law have blue eyes, my hubby has hazel eyes and I have brown...and all three of our girls have hazel eyes, the youngest has the most blue. Totally normal. Worry less and enjoy your kids more...they are little for such a little time! Best wishes.

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J.C.

answers from Philadelphia on

I would not expect your kids to have brown eyes. Although brown is dominate over blue you obviously have a blue eyed gene since that is all your mother had to give you. (If she had a brown eyed gene her eyes would be brown as well since they are blue she either has 2 blue eyed genes or a blue eye and a green eye gene since green is recessive to blue). People that are commenting about this appear to have no common knowledge of basic biology. (I was taught that 2 brown eyed people can make a blue eyed child but that 2 blue eyed parents can not make a brown eyed child...I believe science has proven this wrong in rare cases though).

Updated

I would not expect your kids to have brown eyes. Although brown is dominate over blue you obviously have a blue eyed gene since that is all your mother had to give you. (If she had a brown eyed gene her eyes would be brown as well since they are blue she either has 2 blue eyed genes or a blue eye and a green eye gene since green is recessive to blue). People that are commenting about this appear to have no common knowledge of basic biology. (I was taught that 2 brown eyed people can make a blue eyed child but that 2 blue eyed parents can not make a brown eyed child...I believe science has proven this wrong in rare cases though).

L.J.

answers from New Orleans on

My husband: black hair/ hazel eyes/ not dark skin but tans dark.

Myself: brownish hair with reddish tint/ brown eyes maybe a bit of greenish tint. Fair white skin

First of two girls came with brown eyes. Second daughter hair was blonde. Our first daughter hair was brown. They now have their father color tone skin now. And dark brown hair.

3rd child (boy) blonde hair and crystal blue eyes. Of course some people asked because he didn’t look like my husband. Not so much like me either.Now he’s 9
and his hair went almost brown (still blonde color to it)but looks like my husband and me in ways. But he gets his fair skin from me.

Our 4th(boy) has same dirty blonde with brown hair.Blue eyes also but different shade blue from his brother. almost like a off blue/grey color and his fair skin from me.lol.

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