Question About a Wedding of an Adult Child....

Updated on January 25, 2012
T.T. asks from Columbus, IN
7 answers

I saw another question similar to this one, but I really need any advice I can get...
My stepson, who lives at our house, or a least sleeps here when he isn't with his girlfriend of 8 or so years...wants his father to pay for his rehearsal dinner...his mom seems to have been allowed not to have to I guess...the problems are as follows...
1.) He has a full time job and makes more money than his father, who works a few hours a week at a part time job gets...
2.) He has money he gets 2 times a year for college classes he takes that he could put back for this rehearsal dinner...
3.) He is 28 years old, and has only gas and junk food as his expenses, oh, and his yu gi oh cards he spends hundreds of dollars on...
4.) Our daughter, 19, was married last year and we gave her less than 200 dollars...
I don't think it is fair that his father pay for a rehearsal dinner, by the way, at Red Lobster, when we have very little money to begin with and he has a good paying job, few expenses, and 2 times a year he gets over 1,000 bucks from the government...
My husband thinks I am being mean, but at 28 and with the expenses the way they are I am angry he has asked and angrier that my husband is thinking of giving him money...
At what age does someone outgrow daddy taking care of them...we let him stay with us free of charge...

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answers from Boston on

Well the groom's family hosting the rehearsal dinner is pretty traditional. He certainly is not out of line to ask (I never would, but that's just me) but you and your husband are not out of line to respond with "while we would love to be in a position to host your rehearsal dinner, our financial situation right now means that we can't" and then perhaps offer to give him the same amount of money that you gave your daughter for him to use towards expenses as he sees fit or you can offer to pay the bar tab if you think it will be something you can afford.

I would let go if your outrage that he asked - he probably knows little to nothing about your financial situation as it's easy to assume one's parents are doing just fine financially. Just have a frank discussion with your husband that although you understand that he would like to be able to do this, you simply can't be that generous right now and will have to decline the request.

You also can't really hold it against the son that you and his dad have set inappropriate financial boundaries for him. It's not his fault that you don't charge him rent. If you want him to pay rent, then charge it. If the no rent situation is your husband's decision, then be angry with him and not his son.

And to answer the question about when does someone outgrow daddy taking care of him? When daddy draws the line and stops supporting a grown child. Encourage your husband to stop supporting him if you don't agree with the financial arrangements.

9 moms found this helpful


answers from Pittsburgh on

Adults who get married should pay for their own wedding. Just my opinion - DH and I got married when I was 41 and he was 46 -we did not ask anyone for money - it would have been silly. I was completely surprised when both sets of parents sent us gifts - we were not expecting anything.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

First I have to say that most people are adults when they get married. So a parent paying for an adult child to get married doesn't seem unreasonable to me. My brother was in his early 20's when he married and my mom paid for the rehearsal dinner, her family paid for the rest. I was 27 and she paid for everything. There are things that each family pays for traditionally, so what he is asking for is not out of line.
That being said, if your finances won't allow you to help, let him know. Children normally aren't aware of their parent's finances. If all you gave your daughter was 200, give him the same.
It really sounds to me like your problem is with the son in general and not his wedding. Yes, he should contribute more, but lets be honest unless he is asked to he may never think about it. His school money is just for that, school, but all other money can be spent in a different way.
Ultimately it is your husband's decision, if he wants to help him he can. Voice your opinion on the matter, but let him make the decision. Also, since he is asking his father to pay, your husband has the right to change the venue if needed. Why not hold it at you home or a place you can afford? There are many ways to end this in a nice way! Good luck

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Pittsburgh on

I think it's ridiculous that a 28 year old would expect his parents to pay for a rehearsal dinner. Especially with the circumstances you're describing here.

NOW, I, however, DO think your husband should have the final say over this.

All the best.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Charlotte on

T., the problem I have with your husband is that he spent so little on his daughter, and he wants to spend a ton on a rehearsal dinner for his son. Why?

Sounds to me like your husband plays favorites. What's wrong with this picture?

I could say a lot about enabling his son to think that he is owed money when his father makes so much less than him, but it is evident that this is lost on your husband. You, as the second (?) wife, don't have any say over it, to be honest.

Better be putting your money back separately from this man as a cushion for your old age, or you may find that he gives the household money to his son for goodness knows what...


1 mom found this helpful


answers from Dothan on

Have a BBQ in the backyard, if that isn't good enough too bad.

Time for a 'grow up' call...


answers from Jacksonville on

Ditto EVERYTHING J.B. said below.

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