Pushing to Do Something

Sorry but whether you were pushed off a diving board you were going to have fear of deep water. You were already afraid of water, your mom just didn't get that was always going to be there.

I am freaking terrified of heights. I push myself constantly to ignore my fear and do things up high. I hate the feeling but I hate giving in to my fear even more. My point is I had this fear for whatever reason since I was conscious of the world around me. It isn't rational but it isn't anyone's fault either.

My point is our parents do enough to mess us up, don't put stuff on them they didn't actually do.

I do think it is good that you address your children's fears and understand them. My mom is even more terrified of everything so she would never have pushed me to "overcome" my fear, if she had that would have been annoying. If that is what you meant, sorry I took it differently.

S'anyway, yes, I based a lot of my parenting off of not making the same mistakes they did. I guess I agree with you that understanding your children makes more sense in parenting.

Time to give our children some self confidence. Not by pushing, but by allowing them to fail.. They need to have the confidence to just do THEIR best. whatever that might be.

So many children today, do not want to try, because they are afraid of failure.

Start showing them what mistakes and failures look like. Show them what it looks like just to have the fun of the experiences, even if it is not pretty.

Admit your mistakes, Have your spouse model and admit mistakes, mess ups.. confusion.. admit wrong choices, no one is perfect.

Show them how you react. How you keep practicing and even though it is hard, not pretty and can be frustrating.. The people that succeed, are the ones that kept on trying and looked for answers. Allow them to hear you say you are embarrassed, afraid, nervous.. but that you get it done anyway.. And you are just doing it the best you can.

It also takes dedication and hard work to be good at some things.
If we never encourage them to at least try, how will they know they do not like it?

Allowing them to just try and be happy that they tried is huge support for them.

Afraid to look silly, clueless, unable.. So what?

Having the courage to at least do your best.. And then there will be no regrets.

Yes, I agree, if you pay for 6 weeks of a class, or course, they should be encouraged to complete this. If they do not, you remind them.. "Next time I am not as likely to pay for a lesson, a camp.. etc. " "So be sure you are really willing to give up on this."

I used to remind our daughter, this is not just about you. It is about the teacher, the team, the time they were willing to do this with you.. So make sure you are sure you cannot do this.

When others were not perfect , fell, made mistakes, I would say, "well at least they tried.."

I was pushed and I know it helped me. Helped me to speak up for myself, speak up to injustice and to have a realistic, look at myself. Sure I was nervous, self conscious, afraid, I would do it completely wrong.

I guess it gave me confidence to be exactly who I am and not care what others always think of me.

But there is a difference from following your heart and brain.. If you know it is dangerous, or hurtful to yourself or others, we must also be honest and listen to these little voices.

It's one of those things that takes instinct and balance and either extreme could be a setback for the child. Always waiting for a child to lead or only having kids do what they want when they want and letting them quit the minute they express disinterest or nerves isn't serving to help them accomplish something they could grow proud of. Any high-achieving child pretty much has parents or someone nudging them along through the down times. Or sometimes straight-up tiger parents.

Forcing kids to do things they hate or fear is of course not good (although kids do have to learn how to swim). But I know lots of adults who were pushed the "tough way" as kids who are now resilient tough adults. So their parents probably managed the balance of pushing hard without being overboard or against the child's nature.

My parents always pushed me to do stuff. I either succeeded or didn't, but over time I got pretty brave since even failing just meant failing at ONE THING while life went on. My parents were never disappointed if I failed after trying. I got dropped into the water by the ankles when I was scared and refusing to jump in, and I'm not scared of water now. At the time I was terrified and gulping and getting water up my nose while everyone laughed-but that's what happened to all the kids who didn't want to go in at my particular lesson (70's). All the kids who were thrown in like that started swimming comfortably soon after for whatever it's worth, and their parents consented to the method I guess-I didn't hear of any complaints anyway. So kids are different with what they can bounce back from. Maybe you're over the swimming lessons incident, but you're just naturally a person who's afraid of deep water (I don't love deep water even though I can swim and I'm not really scared of it-I just don't love it. Scuba diving? not interested in trying it). Hard to say. I mean, you ended up being fine right? Another child may have learned, "Hey, see nothing happend to me when I got dropped in the water-now I'm not scared." Maybe your parents were always pushing you too hard and disregarding your feelings so the water is symbolic of this....or maybe it was one of the most traumatic things you ever went through comparatively speaking so it affected you that much-it's so hard to peg where actual "complexes" come from.

I push my kids to do stuff past their comfort zone at times, but I also know their talents and traits and always have a secret "I won't push past a certain point" mark in my brain. I don't pick arbitrary things that I like and force it. I let their personalities guide and look for things that I think are beneficial or important to their development. So far, they've got lots of great accomplishments because of it and are ahead in things at young ages that they never would have done on their own. There have been some nerves and tears and fears, but they pushed through and then felt awesome. My oldest (7) is much braver than I ever was about performing and I don't really have to push anymore, but her first few recitals (piano and violin) etc at 4 and 5 were scary for her. My five year old loves Ta Kwon Do tournaments but he was terrified of his first one and didn't want to go through with it-but he did with my pushing.

There's a balance.

AV,

I can appreciate your post. I had a similar situation when I was about 8; I was thrown in the water with a floatation ring around my waist and ended up upside down, nearly drowned. Scared the hell out of me. I wasn't ready to learn how to swim until I was 19.

I'm much the same way; there are some things I do have to push my kid to do, and then I do push: going to school, his homework,his eye exercises, washing his hair (a huge issue thus far), getting shots... all things I make him do, regardless of his preference. These are things which impact his health and well-being.

The other stuff, I've let go of. I've signed him up for a soccer camp for early summer-- but this is the first time that he's been interested. I do plan on having him stick with the week and then we'll decide if we want to pursue it. I'm getting him signed up in an art after-school course, something I didn't do last quarter: he wasn't ready and was still struggling with some school things. Now he's interested and ready for it. In short, I try to be sensitive to his desires, whether it be down time or wanting to try something new. For a nearly-6 year old kid, I don't feel it's necessary to fill his life up with unfamiliar experiences and activities 'for his own good'.

I've gotta nudge my 10 year old to try new things.
He's a quiet kid, an observer. His first reaction is almost always "no."
99% of the time he ends up living it.
Know how my 2 brothers learned to swim?
Throw off the back of our boat. 15 seconds of terror, then swimming.
Not sure if I agree with that! Lol
But they're both good swimmers and live the water!

In reading your responses, it seems that piano lessons seem to be the big 'push' for kids. As someone who WAS pushed to continue lessons, and ended up getting a degree in music and becoming a piano/music teacher myself, I think it's important to gauge the situation to the child. Is it bad for a parent to push lessons (any lessons) on a kid? It depends on the child and the lesson. My parents fought the battle because I had talent that they could see....and I couldn't. BUT, they didn't make my brothers continue with lessons because their interests and talents lie in other areas (they are now, respectively, a doctor, an architect, a pilot, and a linguist/medic). I had piano students that didn't exhibit any particular talent with piano...but desperately wanted to do something else (dance, athletics, different instruments) and maybe THAT is where their true talent/interest lie.
I have known many adults that feel like a 'jack of all trades, master of none' because they were never pushed to complete anything. So, it would seem that there is a fine line between not pushing at all, and pushing in the necessary directions.
For me, I am incredibly grateful that my mother pushed me to continue piano (some negotiation was involved, I should add) because it has been such a boon to me in my life, but there was already a real talent there. I don't think a kid should be pushed to do something if it is clear that they don't have any real aptitude for said activity; find something that they enjoy doing instead.
For the record, I, too, was dropped off the diving board at 4 by a well-intentioned teacher. I ended up loving it and going back again and again. I love swimming (and deep water) to this day. I didn't already have a fear of water, though, and maybe that is what makes the difference. For a child in your unique situation, it was not the best approach.

In my family it was quite the opposite. Not only was I not pushed into any extra curricular activities or lessons, but I wasn't given any unless I proved I really wanted to do them. Usually it meant waiting as long as a year from the time I first expressed interest until I was allowed to do it, if I still had an interest. That way my parents were sure they weren't wasting money on a "passing fancy". If my parents allowed me to do the activity, then I had better fulfill my obligation! I also had to do the legwork, such as finding out when and where the activities were, the costs involved and getting all the necessary forms etc. I liked their approach because I really did appreciate the activities and lessons I did get. I Don't make my boys work as hard as I did to get to do activities, but I do only put them in activities that they want to do, and if I put them in they are expected to honor the obligation until the end of the season etc. I am very glad neither of my kids are afraid of water, because swimming is one of my favourite activities! I don't know what I would do if we couldn't take the kids to the pool, beach or waterpark.

I know that mine is one of the questions that precipitated this one.

Another piano survivor, plus three types of dance and musical theater too. Ugh, my mother was clearly a frustrated performer. I never wanted to do the dance lessons, but my sister did, and somehow I ended up having them for six years. I agreed to do piano lessons when I was 3, wanted to quit when I was 7, ended up having to keep going until I was 13.

I feel the consequence of all this "pushing" was that I never felt free to explore and change my mind. I couldn't simply try something out - if I didn't like it, I'd be stuck with it for years.

So I'm very careful about not pushing my kids to do something that I believe they truly don't want to do. When my son says he doesn't want to do something, I try to find out the reason. Usually when I "push," it's more that I heavily encourage my son to do something that I think that he really would like but that he's too nervous to step outside his comfort zone to do on his own. Past examples have been art lessons; going to a really good friend's Build a Bear party where he was going to be the only boy; swim lessons.* In all cases, he ended up loving them.

If it's one of those things that he tried it, liked it ok, but wants to try something else, I usually let him take a break. The only thing he has truly disliked was singing and dancing on stage, so I don't make him do that. There are just so many interesting things in the world to try, and one could end up being a passion for him. I don't see the point in pushing him to do something he doesn't really want to do.

* Swim lessons are a little different case. I could be flexible to a point, but it was non-negotiable that he had to learn to swim somehow. It's an important life skill, especially where we live. I looked for lessons that I thought would fit his personality and learning style, but I think I would have taken a harder line on this even if he had balked.

I have to gently push my oldest to try new things and always have. She is quiet, reserved and wants to play it safe. I am the same way and I am thankful my parents pushed me into dance and acting. Now I still have to push myself, to continue to stay confident and outgoing, since it's not in my nature. I'm just like my oldest.

I think a gentle push can help, but you have to be careful to only nudge them as much as you know they can handle..then continue to push them until they reach the goal. Picking you up and dropping you in the water is the fastest way to set you back. YOU have to be the one to empower yourself..not someone grabbing you and tossing you in. Last summer I watched a teenager learning to swim at the same time as my children. They never forced him to do anything. They encouraged him to push himself. That is the key.

I was also pushed to play the piano and I hated every minute of it.

My mom was a championship basketball player in high school and she pushed me to play basketball. I do not have 1 athletic gene in my body.

I love basketball but not playing it.

We do not push our daughter to do specific activities.

I was never pushed into doing anything. Sadly, in my case it was the exact opposite in that not only was I not pushed I wasn't encouraged to do anything either. If I showed interest in any extra curricular activity I was only allowed to do it if it was free and if I could get myself to the activity. Yes, even in elementary school. I do not force my children to do or try anything, ever. I will never force them to do something. However, if they have started something they initially had an interest in and other's are counting on them to finish said activity they must finish but that is all. I see there being no point in pushing children into activities or to do things they otherwise do not have an interest in.

I will never, yes I realize that is an absolute statement, but I will never force my child to do anything they're fearful about. It's one thing to be unsure and uncertain and perhaps apprehensive about something but if it is a true fear why in the world would I force my child into it? In my opinion that is cruel to do so.

When my siblings all wanted to drop piano lessons, my parents were only too happy to oblige. As the youngest, I jumped on the boat, saying I really wanted to quit, too. Deep down, I didn't, but because everyone else did, I thought I was supposed to. I have regretted that my parents didn't challenge me on that. I was 8, had been taking the lessons since I was 4. I wish I hadn't dropped them. I begged and started again in high school, but I could have been so much better if I had never quit. I loved the piano, and if my parents had invited me to continue or pushed me a little, it would have broken the peer pressure I felt from my siblings.

Piano lessons were the only thing I was ever offered. I wish my parents had pushed/encouraged me to try more.

i was pushed into taking piano lessons for 8 years. and i hated it....i wasn't allowed to quit because that was jsut something you didn't do. i did quit my sophmore of high school and my parents were so mad at me. that was back in 1979 and i still can't play anything....it was a waste of time and years and money. so now i don't force my son to do too much. if he joins a sport we do make him finish our the season but we dont make him do it again!!

i think you were forced way past your ability to process it. i'm sure your mom didn't realize it was that terrifying for you, but i'm so sorry it happened.
my parents did push us, although not in such a traumatic fashion. i guess they wanted us to like what they liked. they made my older brother take golf lessons. he couldn't have been less interested. they thought i'd lose my horse obsession if they could 're-direct' it. so i took ballet, which i loved but at which i was awful, and tennis, which i loathed. i still shake my head over that. why not just let me have riding lessons? they finally relented but not until i was 10. i could have been loving learning to ride ponies for YEARS prior to that!
then they made my next brother, who emerged from the womb effeminate (he's the poster child for 'born, not a choice) play football to try and man him up. he was so miserable. i think everyone found it painful to watch.
of course, it was all from the best motives. and none of it (except maybe the football thing) left any permanent scars.
i encouraged my boys to try a wide spectrum of activities. okay, i did push just a little for them to take riding lessons. i suppose no parent is entirely free from hoping their kids will share their passions. when it became clear to me that it was more about me than them, i sniffled and stopped.
i can't think of anything they were outright afraid of, but i'm totally with you in listening to them and allowing them to express preferences, including when to stop an activity. finding the right line between encouragement and goading is an important parenting skill.
khairete
S.

So often our parenting is a reaction to the parenting we received. My mother let me quit too easy when it came to things like piano. I think this was weak and unfortunate. I will likely push mine because of this. Then my kids will say "my mom pushed me to hard" and they'll cave and be weak.
As a former swim teacher (high school/ college days) I can't tell you how many times dunking a kid underwater then praising the heck out of them, helped them to overcome their fears and progress in the water. I didn't force it on all, just the ones I sensed could handle it. About 1/10 times I was dead wrong and it caused regression rather than progress. It happens.
I think psychoanalyzing why a kid is afraid of something is a little silly. Besides isn't the answer pretty obvious when it comes to things like this. Some people just need to be in control. They aren't dare devils, they like to play it safe.

I think it just depends on the kid - some kids will never try anything because they are too timid, but then they will never find out if they really end up liking something, or learn to overcome their fears. Obviously it is a fine line, and dropping a 4 year old off the high diving board is something I would never advocate. On the other hand, 2 years ago for Christmas I got my nephews gift certificates for ski lessons at a ski resort near their house. They were 5 and 9 at the time, and so they are now 7 and 11, and only just this winter finally worked up the courage to give it a try. They spend a lot of time just watching TV and playing video games and have not done any sports or outdoor activities very much. They still didn't want to do it, the younger one was crying and complaining of a stomachache, but their mom insisted on it, and they ended up loving it and having a great time. My daughter went skiing for the first time this winter too, at 5 years old, and she had no fear whatsoever. However, at Disney World, she acts all shy about meeting characters and getting pics with them. She'll whine the whole time while waiting in line, then when she actually gets up there, she is all smiles and does great. So I think it depends on your child and how you know they are, and if they just need a bit of a nudge sometimes. DD takes gymnastics and for a while had a fear of flipping over the bar without a coach there. Eventually she got over it, but she never would have if she wasn't told, "I know you can do this."

My parents never forced me into anything, but if I wanted to do something, and they signed me up for it, they didn't just let me quit after 2 weeks. Piano was something I really wanted to do and I took lessons for close to 10 years as a kid, even though I didn't like practicing and my parents had to threaten me with quitting lessons if I did not practice every day and take it seriously. But I was the one that pestered them for lessons for 2 years before they finally decided to invest in a piano and sign me up, so I can understand them not wanting to let me give up so easily. I went on to do band in middle and high school too, with clarinet and then saxophone.

As far as swimming, to me that is an essential skill to have. It's fine to acknowledge their feelings, but if they really have a fear of the water, it's best for them to learn to overcome that.

Thank you for this question. I was actually thinking about this the whole day today. Many kids get hurt by incompetent trainers, teachers, coaches while parents have no clue and put their trust into "competent" people. Over the years I observed so many cases of this, I have one word of advice for parents: trust your child, talk to your child, be on your child's side, do not assume anyone has your child's best interest at heart, be there, intervene! Coaches and trainers do not care how many kids they will hurt or otherwise sacrifice to get that one champion! But you only have one child - yours! Do not assume your philosophy and ethics is what other people have - be vigilant!

Hi, AV:

Yes, we all have those terrifying times we need to get through.
I was held underwater when I was about 8 or 9 by an older boy. I thought he was going to drown me. I never like the water ever since.
I took classes to be a civilian marriner. I had to suit up in a frog man's outfit and jump off a diving board into the pool. The Instuctor kept encouraging me to jump. I finally did, and climbed into the life boat. I learned that I could survive a traumatic ordeal.

My suggestion is you are doing the right thing to help your child learn about her fear and how to resolve it.
Good job.
D.