Punishment for a Stuborn, Very Smart, 8 Year Old

The worst punishment my mom ever gave my sister was when she was lying about going to school...my mother in all her muu muu glory, walked my sister up the front steps to her highschool and WALKED her to her first class just to make sure she got there. Humiliating...yes. Effective...ABSOLUTELY.

The point is there IS a way to get through to him, but I think you're looking at it from the wrong perspective. Instead of ways to punish, I'd be trying to find a way to have him do OK. He won't brush, brush for him or stand and watch him do it. If he's not doing homework, stop everything and sit next to him and do that too. Keep an open line of communication with his teachers. Email or call them every day. I did with my oldest son. I won't GIVE HIM A CHANCE to mess up.

I don't think the DS or the TV is a good incentive to be "good". When my son started lying, every time I caught him in one, something disappeared from his room. Pretty soon...he lost everything but a bookshelf and a sleeping bag...and the door was off it's hinges and sitting in my garage. After a while of loosing EVERYTHING...he realized that trust is an EARNED thing. And I didn't scream and yell either. I simply told him what was going on...and took what ever it was away.

Being a parent is a proactive, 24/7 work in progress. It's not for the weak of mind or spirit. And being a parent means you have to be more than a friend to them.

Odds are your young person needs some attention he's not getting (by no fault of your own)...make it positive not negative.

For the record, my son was gifted too...and very self correcting...that was a HUGE issue with me when he was growing up because I'd ask him...if it were you...and this happened...what would YOU do?? 9 times out of 10 he took the high road and said...get mad/get punished/get grounded/etc.

I trust kids as far as I can pick um up and carry um. It is thier JOB to push. It's our job to hold true.

Good luck to you. I'm sending good thoughts your way!

3 months of hard to work earn something is very little incentive to do good.

A child has to be punished for their misbehavings, but rewarded in equal amounts in order to feel like they are thriving and accepted. If they feel like they are always punished and they are not receiving positive reinforcement for other things they do, they tend to stop caring.

Give him opportunities to thrive and ask him daily, maybe at the dinner table, have you done anything good today, or helped anyone out at all today? Make it a game and eventually, he will look for ways to increase the positive behavior.
You have to catch him doing good things, also to pick your battles.

If he looses things with one misdoing that took three months to earn he will quickly learn that being "good" is not worth it. The first thing to do is stop punishing and start disciplining. If he lies about brushing his teeth go with him into the bathroom. If he lies about doing his homework have him do it while someone is cooking dinner or cleaning up. If he cannot be trusted then he looses some independence. It is hard to really go into detail because we do not know what he is doing to loose his things and what he is doing at school. I will say this, as a former teacher, if your son is getting his folder signed ( I assume that is not good) almost everyday your child's teacher needs a new plan. Your child knows he get in trouble all of the time and it may have become a part of who he is OR a part of who the grown ups in his life thinks he is. The grown ups may jump to conclusions or make big deals about small misbehaviors because they know he is always doing the wrong thing. Flip the switch. Catch your son being helpful and have the consequences to his actions make sense.

B. Davis
Child And Family Coaching
http://www.ChildAndFamilyCoaching.com

I agree with most of the other moms about too much attention given to punishing and not enough about how to work together to solve the problem. Have you and your husband sat down and talked with your son( and do it weekly) about his behavior and why is choosing to act out? I highly recommend the book Love and Logic. It puts the responsibility on the child and off the parent. Let him suffer the logical consequences of his actions and there is little need to punish.

Oh, dear! Sounds similar to my 10 yo boy. And, as a matter of fact, my husband and I.

Punishments have only been somewhat effective. I try really hard to catch him doing the right thing. I have also found that helping him to feel responsible (in a good way) and letting him make some choices is helpful. For instance we set up a task board with post-its of what he has to do, but he decides when to do them. There are fun things on the board also. He started out doing all the fun stuff first, but he has gradually found out that if he does the other things first he has mroe time for the fun things.

Another strategy that was good was to give my 2 older kids a "House" from Harry Potter. My boy was Gryffindor, girl Ravenclaw, and actually the dog and cat were Slytherin and Hufflepuff. We kept a point system and points were given for good behavior and taken away for not doing the right thing. We awarded the "house cup" every month.

If I think of anything else, I will add it.

Kids are smarter than anyone gives them credit for. They will sense when you or your husband disagree and will play that against you. With kids, you need to pose a united front on literally everything. Also make sure he knows what his punishments will be ahead of time, and then follow through 100%. Every child has their own thing that they will do anything to protect, find it and use it.

It sounds like the boy is getting TOO MUCH negative in the home for his actions, instead of positive reinforcement.

What happens when you personally are hounded, harped on, punished, etc., etc.? How do you feel? How do you behave? Answer me these questions.

Have you and your husband sat down in a 'safe zone' to discuss your son's actions - WITHOUT any repercussions? I recommend you do so to find out why he is behaving the way he does at school. Peer groups are very tough and it does sound like you both are, too.

Sometimes, a bit of positive thinking and simple communication (and remembering that you as parents are role models in all you do) go a long way~

Just as when he was younger~ you really should be picking your battles.

Did the answers help you at all? How is he doing now? Some weeks/months my 8 year old pushes so hard that I too feel like all I do is punish. Other times he is so good I feel like I'm missing something. I would be intersted in knowing what advice you used and what worked and didn't work, if anything.