Proper Punishment for Misbehaving in School?

First grade is totally different than k. There are more rules to follow and more time sitting and listening. I have 4 children and my rule was always to let school handle school situations. Bad behavior = loss of something.

When they did something negative it was up to the teacher to deal with it since I wasn't there to witness what happened. If a note was sent home we'd read it together and discuss that the teacher was in charge and set the rules.

I don't believe in double punishing a child so what happened at home was dealt with at home and what happened at school was dealt with at school.

Relax. He is six years old a d h talked at class. Give him a break. Stop trying to find a reason he did this! Again he is six!

You are doing the best you can with your busy and blended life.

Please, please, please...let the teacher and school take care of the punishments at school. When he gets home...let home...be home. Sure, talk to him about school. Talk about the "2" and that you know he can do better and you expect him to do better. Have him come up with ways he can "tune out" other kids when they are talking. Act it out with him. Ask him what he can do to not be distracted...don't just tell him what to do.

He is young, he is a boy, and it sounds like there is ALOT going on at home. Not sure where dad is...but I know I went through a lot of internal pain when my parents split and then my parents moved on and started new families. It is SOOOOO h*** o* kids.

Please relax and focus on his past record of great "4" scores and being the "go to kid". The year is new...he is adjusting to a new teacher,classmates,grade and class rules. And maybe adjusting to a new blended family??

Keep loving him and spending time with him. But, I can't over emphasize enough to let the school take care of the discipline for things that happen at school.

Oh...and he is so young. He is not going to give you a reason he misbehaves..that is ridiculous. He can't formulate a psycho analysis in his little immature mind that he is acting out because he feels lonely,sad,scared,nervous etc. Kids will act out to get attention..whether it is negative or positive. They act out to get noticed. They act out for many reasons they don't understand.

Try using a behavior chart with the reward being time with YOU..not a toy.
Good luck and best wishes!!

***I need to add this after seeing a post above. I too was a teacher before my kids came along. I didn't expect parents to punish my students at their own home. I would make them aware of the issue at school and expect them to talk to their child. But never punish. We are not talking about serious offenses in class. We are talking about an impulsive little boy who is on the fence gifted and going through some tough situations at home with divorce and now blending families.

I "retired" from teaching once my first child came along. Now all of them are in school. Grade school to middle school. My kids' teachers rave about what well behaved kids we have and ask what we did to nurture their good behavior. We reward good behavior and let natural consequences follow the poor choices. We also do not take the credit alone...our children are made up of so many life experiences.

Our oldest son had an amazing 4th grade teacher that told me something I will NEVER forget and boy has it helped. She said "make your home a place of refuge for your children. Let me be the teacher and discipline him in the classroom. Then YOU be the one he can come home to and confide in without fear of punishment regarding school. Talk it out..let him relax at home. Because Mom...in a few years he will be in middle school and he needs to have a good relationship with you. "

I can tell you this struck a cord with me. We applied her words of wisdom to how we reacted to his teetering math grades and not finishing homework. We loved him through it. Talked to him about trying his best and made his favorite dinner when he got a decent grade on a Math test.

You know what?? He tried so hard for the end result of a good grade, our approval and spaghtetti dinner..not in fear of a punishment. Now fast forward...that kid is going into 8th grade, on Honor Roll, received a music scholarship already, and heading off to Japan as an exchange student. He willingly takes Honor's courses with homework assignments over the summer. He talks to us freely about questions regarding sex,masturbation,girls,poor choices his friends are making etc. The open communication is sooooo much more important at this stage than giving a punishment after receiving a note saying he was talking to his neighbor in Math class.*****

First of all, being graded on performance everyday would make me a nervous wreck-I would stop trying day one-that practice, in and of itself, is punitive and unrealistic. Second-if I had asked one of my children why they got a 3 and not a 4, they would have plotzed. Third-when you ask a child why they did something wrong-the only obvious answers are "I'm stupid", I'm a jerk", "I'm a screw-up", or "Go to hell". He's 6 years old-don't crush his talent and creativity-give him tasks that he can do well and feel accomplished by so doing-don't dwell on the grades-just ask him how his day went when he gets home-don't even look at them on a daily basis. Good luck-it sounds like he needs to be in a different school-one that will appreciate his intellect and personality.

I think it all stems from him getting lost in the shuffle at home. He's looking for interaction and he gets it at school. And with so many children in school, you have to realize that they ALL say other people are talking to them causing them to get into trouble. Standard line.

I think you need to carve out some one-on-one time with him and also encourage him to invite a friend from school over to play so he can have his own thing going on.

I kind of feel sorry for him. I'm a middle child who got lost in the shuffle. No fun when you feel like you're "invisible."

Diana D said exactly what I was going to say.
1st grade is WAY different from kinder.

He is excited about school. Seeing friends. Loving being a big kid.. There is an adjustment. The teachers handle this. Let the school handle this. Teachers know that this s a bit different and they sometimes have to set the behavior standard extra high at the beginning of the school year.

He is not a bad by. He s an enthusiastic child. Exactly what you want him to be..

Asking a child why are you doing this, behaving like this.. Is too much for them to explain..

Instead ask, hey what was going on when the teacher said you needed to stop talking. Why did she ask you to keep your hands to yourself? Or whatever..

Remember, this is not about you. This is about guiding and reminding him, he loves school, so to be successful, we need to follow our good behaviors.. Go over these.. And we can play at recess and after school. Let him know you know he can do this and be successful. Let him know you know he is excited. But that you expect him to work on his behaviors more.

Make sure that after he finishes his homework in the afternoon, he gets a lot of exercise. Running, yelling, climbing, jumping. Swimming racing his bike..For a couple of hours would be great. This age they need to release their energy..

You've identified what u think may be the problem. Be proactive not retroactive, make time for him every morning I know its really hard but just five minutes of alone time, wake up five minutes earlier or spend five minutes in the car chatting with just him no cell, no radio. Talk about the day you both are planning, does he have gum or library? looks like recess will be indoors or outdoors. Ask if he is looking forward to anything in particular. Make sure you have ten minutes alone time in the evening (we call it "talk about time" We say the best part of our days. Tell the teacher you fear the problem is he wants more attention than he's getting, and what your plan is to help. Hopefully she will also take the time to greet him every morning and give him positive attention. Continue to ask him to be on his very best behavior in school but pay more attention to listening and talking to him than punishing him. Hope it helps!

Don't throw in the towel. It takes a while for many children to get used to first grade.

Give your son's teacher a call, and ask her if she's as worried about his second-week behavior as you are. Is it all right with you if the teacher handles the in-school situations, and you just give him sympathy and encouragement at home? Let your boy know you're hearing from the teacher about how he is (and isn't) doing, and let him talk to you about it (if he will) rather than your talking to him about it. Let him do 90% of the talking. Try it for a while, anyhow.

As a first-grader your son is more grown-up than he has ever been before, but he's still pretty little. You don't want him thinking he can't do anything right for anyone, or that both Mama and Teacher are against him.

Relax, breathe - he's only 6 and first grade is harder/much different than kindergarten. School JUST started. My sister was a teacher for 35 years and says it takes several weeks for some kids to adjust. He's still adjusting. I mean, think about when you first started a job as an adult and how long it took you to get used to that, or when you went to college and how long it took to get used to that - and you have ADULT coping skills.

You need to relax about this a bit because although it's not great that he had a bad day, it's not like he's misbehaving and heading to juvie.

He cannot answer your questions like an adult. He's a kid. Don't ask WHY he did things. Ask what happened before the teacher spoke to him. Help him figure out better responses. That will help teach him how to act. He is still learning.

I have a 6 year old on the Autism spectrum. His classroom behavior is always a bit of a challenge because his social filters are not very good. Behavior last year was a challenge. There is a 5 level color code that they move through and until the last 3 months of school, his was a rainbow. I created a chart that listed the cool things he got to do after school and what came off the chart when the color was into the "not good range". But it wasn't "punishment", it was consequences. And we talked about it at first.

The vice principal actually recommended a treat for the best days, no treat for the 2nd best, and then removing something once the level was low. Kids NEED to get recognition for doing well.

TALK to him about his challenges, brainstorm with him on his bad days. He is learning contstantly. Somehow find a way to connect with him. Get dad involved - you don't mention him in your question, but hopefully he's in the picture and can pick up some slack with the kids and homework. Maybe change the evening routine around so that he doesn't get lost.

It sounds like you're not happy with how crazy things are in the evening. Maybe involving the kids more in the routine and the responsibilities to take some stress off your shoulders might help.

He is 6
It is the second week of school
He talked in class

Chill Out Momma. This is no big deal.

The bigger deal is his acting out at home in order to get attention. It sounds like he is getting lost in the shuffle - or he feels that he is getting lost.

You need to focus on home life. Don't ask a 6 year old why they did something - they don't know- they are still are impulse and action/reaction. Give him constructive things to do. If you are cooking, find a task in the kitchen that he can help with - have him help you fold laundry - anything that will give him a moment or two with you for conversation and time together. Carve out some time for him.

The younger ones amuse each other. The older ones amuse each other. Um, who does this child have? It sucks to be lonely in a house full of people.

Relax about the "2" at school. That is really no big deal.

It sounds like the middle child syndrome. He may feel lost and lacks the attention he needs to make it work. At home you mention the older ones ignore him and the younger ones play by themselves. Where does that leave him? Alone and lost.

Make a chart for the older ones to help you with your chores to free up some time to do other things. Have your son help you making or planning nightly meals so you have time together.

Let the school handle issues there. You handle issues at home. Yes, talk about what happened and how you two can change things.

Good luck to you. This is just the beginning of education for him. Try to keep that mind open and flexible. Too many kids are shut down before they find their way in life.

the other S.

I agree with others who say - don't double-punish.

You're taking one teacher's opinion. Which is all you and he are allowed to get! It sounds like he can't "appeal that score" or "ask for a second opinion". But if you had been a fly on the wall - or if a different teacher had been scoring him - who knows what "other sides to the story" might have been noticed.

Just focus on his life outside of school, his life at home. Help him to "achieve high marks" with you.

If he - with no input from you - seems to be independently upset about his school scores or upset about school in general, then it might be time for you to talk to the teacher.

Hi, J.,

You need to figure out his 'love language.' What speaks to him the most? There is a book on the 5 love languages for children. Once you figure out his, you will know what to do to better meet his needs. He might be a quality time kid. He might be a words of affirmation kid. He might be a gifts kid. etc. I would suspect that if you read the book (it's not very big), you will immediately see what works best for him. Then you can make adjustments to better help him to adjust.

It sounds to me like his Kinder teacher knew him well enough to know what would work best for him. Kindergarten and 1st grade are pretty different in terms of expectations, BUT you might visit with his Kinder teacher to see what worked best for her. It sounds like you already have some good ideas.

THEN go speak to his 1st grade teacher. Let her know that you're wanting to be supportive of her and have a great year for your child. Let her know some of the things you said here...most teachers really appreciate that info, and it helps them to better meet the needs of that child. Let her know that your son is a people pleaser...he NEEDS to feel like he is being helpful to her. If she knows this, then she may be able to find ways to fit this need during class (by having him run an errand or help another student). Make him feel needed and show him how important he is to the whole class dynamic, and he will rise to the challenge and thrive. It sounds to me like he started off the first week with expectations that things were going to go great this year (like last year) and by halfway through the second week, he had figured out that things were going to be very different. It's life, but he's still pretty little yet. Communicating with the teacher early on will help get you all on the same page for a (hopefully) more successful school year.

As far as punishments are concerned, I think that this goes back more to the love languages. The book actually has suggestions for how to discipline your child depending upon their love language (and I'm not talking about hitting your child). I truly feel, though, that if you do some delving into learning more about your son and you change some of the things you do at home, it may resolve the issues without needing to go to punishment. Plus, I wholeheartedly agree that at 6.5 yrs of age, he doesn't need a double punishment....he's already (presumably) been punished at school, and a punishment is always more effective when it is immediate and fits the situation at the time. 6 hours later is not going to be nearly as effective. TALK to your son when he gets in trouble. ASK him about what happened, why he thinks it happened, what he can do better in the future. SUPPLY him with solutions. ROLE PLAY! "Okay, Timmy, we've talked about what you should do when another student is talking to you when you're supposed to be listening in class. Let's practice. I'm going to pretend that I'm another kid who is talking to you. YOU show me what you're going to do about it." It sounds silly, and you'll probably giggle about it a little, but it really does work.

Set your bar high....if you expect him to get in trouble, he will. If you expect him to have bad behavior, he will. If you reward him by giving him loads of attention when he gets in trouble, then he will continue to get in trouble, because it gets your attention (I see it all the time...unfortunately, bad attention is better than no attention for many kids). Try to make it a priority to sit down with your son for 10 uninterrupted minutes every day to just visit with him about his day. MAKE yourself do it. EVERY DAY. I think you'd be surprised about what a positive difference it can make.

Hang in there. :)

I won't pretend I know how hard it is to make one-on-one time for each child when you have 6. But I think you have to. All kids need this, even if it's just a few minutes a day.

I've seen different families do it different ways.
One family I know always has dinner together, so at dinner each night, each person gets 5 minutes to talk about what ever they want. So each has a chance to be heard.
My family does it at bedtime. We read story, then talk for 5 or 10 minutes about the day that just ended - letting the child bring up the topics (or some suggestions from the parent if needed).
Another family I know does a rotation: every Saturday for breakfast, one of the kids gets a special breakfast with mom. They go out, just the mom and 1 kid - there is a rotation among kids so all kids get their turn. Dad stays home and makes breakfast for everyone else (which is also fun because Dad can make whatever he wants).

There is no 'one size fits all' approach, but I do think it's important for kids to know that they will have a chance to be heard when they have something they need to say (even before they have the self-awareness to tell you that they have something to say).

As for the 2 in behavior - all kids (and adults) have an off day sometimes. It happens. I wouldn't make a big deal about it unless it becomes frequent.

So you're getting daily reports in first grade? That sounds...overdone, to me. In first grade here, no parent would get a daily tally of a child's work or behavior unless the behavior were a genuine problem that really required backup at home (hitting, extreme disruption, highly inappropriate talk, etc.). I cannot picture why a school system would issue a daily bulletin like this past kindergarten; if the issue is, for instance, kids talking out of turn, that is normal for first grade and something a teacher should be able to handle. If your son did it daily, yes, you would need to intervene, and yes, it was appropriate for you to say you were disappointed; however, it sounds as if you might have made this sound like the end-all and be-all when you talked to him about it. Have a consequence ready (taking away TV or electronics for the rest of that day and evening, if he has those things daily, would be a good one; but not for an entire week for one 2 because of talking).

But also beware overreacting due to a system that feeds you every little daily infraction. Yes, you want to know how he's doing, but he's in first grade, and it would be easy to become caught up in hovering over each day's report.

You're right, this may stem from home, and you are right that he likely feels lost in the shuffle. You say "he can never give me a reason why he's chosen to make a bad choice" but...surely you know that kids can't always articulate their reasons? The real reason, which he likely does not understand himself, is probably that he wants attention. Even "negative attention" such as getting disciplined or yelled at for doing something wrong is STILL a form of attention, so some kids, when they feel ignored, will act out and act up because that gets them their parents' attention. You may think, "But doesn't he want my positive attention? Wouldn't he rather I praise him? Then why does he make bad choices?" The answer may be: He would love your praise but he knows for sure that he can get your attention by acting up; he may have gotten into that rut and truly, truly not know how to get out of it, or how it would work to get your positive attention. When you are upset or angry with him or disciplining him, he is getting your time and your focus onto him.

Find things he does right, every single day. Even tiny things that any adult might think don't really deserve praise because they're just what we do to live -- praise him for them anyway. And I really, really do hope you will get some good books about blended families and middle children (blended family or not) and work on ways to get him to go after your positive attention.

One other thing. If he is acting up at school he may be bored there. I would see if you can appeal his entry into the gifted program. Missing by one point around here would be definite case for appealing for him to be allowed into that program where he might be more stimulated.

Seriously, the teacher needs to take care of this. What happens at school should be addressed at school. Talking to him about it is okay but if you undermine the teacher by taking her authority to discipline him over misconduct you are taking away her teacher role. It's her job to take care of this. If what she's doing is not working and she asks you what to do then you can give her suggestions and go from there.

But she needs to be his authority figure at school, you rob her of her authority when you take it away from her by bringing it to your home.

When he misbehaves he is getting your undivided attention. At school, he gets the teacher's attention and then yours at home. Otherwise, he's just one boy in the middle of either 6 at home or many at school.

Don't be afraid to assign chores at home for the kids (especially the older ones) and that will free you up some (and help teach them responsibility).

Be sure to give him lots of attention and genuine praise for good behavior. When he acts up, be matter of fact when addressing the behavoior but don't make it a big deal that requires lots attention and animation on your part.

Allow nature consequences to prevail...if losing an activity at school is the punishment the teacher gave then so be it. Unless it begins to be repetitive, I wouldn't do a whole lot yet. There is an adjustment at the beginning of the school year that lets the teachers and students get used to each other. Last year's teacher may have been more lenient (he was in K after all). He needs to tell his teacher if he's being distracted and she can move him to the front of the class and/or pay attention to those around him. We all have an off day or two now and again.

If he brings home a 2 again, no DS for the night. If it happens again, no DS for two nights. After that, it's a week. But once you choose it, enforce it.

First, I have to disagree with some of the comments that others have made. One of the BEST deterrents for bad behavior in class is when a child knows that if he gets in trouble at school, he will get in trouble at home. Some of the best behaved kids I have taught had this rule in their homes. The "double punishment" as some want to call it WORKS!! I have had kids who DO NOT CARE until mom or dad steps in and threatens a consequence at home.

The one that works is the one that he fusses about when you tell him what it will be. My kids hate to lose electronics, movie night or dessert. Writing an apology is a good one, too. I have the kids tell the teacher what they will do next time they are in the situation that caused them to misbehave/talk.

When I can't think of a consequence for one of my kids or a student, I sometimes ask them what they think they deserve. Sometimes they are much harder on themselves than I would be. If I don't think it is enough, I will use their idea and add a little to make it more stringent.

I'm always very wary of disciplining my child at home if the discipline has been taken care of at school. Now admittedly this would depend on the circumstances...being distracting in class is very different than hitting another child, etc.

My daughter has been diagnosed with ADHD and I believe she's also gifted though in 1st grade my school district wasn't doing any gifted testing, though she was in enrichment. Her reading and math scores are above average, the ADHD which complicates things. I am in no way saying your son may have ADHD...honestly based on what you've written, it almost sounds like he is in fact; "lost in the shuffle" and that can make a child act out because their needs aren't being met. Not because you're a bad Mom, but because of the dynamics within the household...2 younger sisters playing together, 3 older kids, no one wanting to be bothered by him, etc.

A 1st grader is not likely to be able to really dissect their feelings yet, it's just not that developed. Perhaps the other children, particularly the older ones can incorporate him into their play somehow? As a family unit it would serve them well to include him on some level, it will serve them well for future relationship problem solving anyway.

It's a tough situation, I can see why you're frustrated and there's no easy answer, but I can only hope your kids can rise to the occasion.

I know this is a late answer, but I would consider a reward for getting 4s, rather than a punishment for getting 2s. It would give him positive attention, instead of negative attention. He could be part of the decision as to what the reward would be, as well. Give him several choices and see which he would choose, so that things don't get out of hand as far as expense goes. One could be a "date" with just him and Mom and Dad - dinner and a movie. One could be a campout with just Dad or Mom. One could be to take a karate class for summer (or another finite period of time). You could have a reward for improvement and a different award for getting all 4s. Good luck!