Problems with Husbands Child from Another Marriage!!!!

I have dealt with a similiar situation. My stepdaughter was 6 when my husband and I got married and had our first son together. She was extremly jealous of the baby and of me.

You have to understand that children from divorced parents always carry whith them this idea that their parents will get back together. My husband and his ex divorced when my stepdaughter was 2, so she has no memory of what it was like to have both parents together.

My stepdaughter is now 11, and still does not fully understand why her parents can't be together. She has since rebelled against me is often mean to her brothers, but can be the most loving child when she wants to be.

Insights I have learned along the way and am still learning:

1. There is nothing that you can do. You need to leave discipline issues up to your husband. Have your husband talk to his son's mother about the behavior and the best solution is to create a united front and let hime know that although his parents are not together they are still going to parent him together. This is extremly frustrating for me because my stepdaughter lives with us full-time and I am the primary caregiver. But it will save your sanity. for example, I will handle immediate problems, so say she is fighting with one of her brothers ,I will intevene. But if it something that happens that I am told about later or homework issues, etc. Dad takes over.

2. Therapy, counseling. ALL kids from separated parents NEED to be in therapy to cope with the changes that they don't understand or know how to deal with.

3. You stepson is crying out for attention. He feels threatened by the fact that your son lives with his dad while he doesn't and that is why he is acting out. The only thing that you can do is talk to your son, make sure that he is communicating to you any problems he is having with your stepson. As for you, as hard as it may seem when the stepkids are being difficult, disruptive, and causing nothing but problems, you have to give them love. Show them affecton, and that you care.

4.Don't overreact or show emotion to negative behavior, because they will thrive off of it and continue to do it. But say your stepson is really good at something or does good on a project in school, etc. have your husband and you make a really BIG deal about it. I'm talking over the top, letting hime him pick dinner for the night or getting cupcakes to celebrate, etc. But if you give a lot of attention to the negative behavior he will continue to do it
because he knows that is what is getting dad's undivided attention.

I hoep this helps. Best of luck and Happy Mother's Day!

I agree with Jackie.... it is hard but having some one-on-one time with his dad will help him feel like he isn't being replaced. Kids take everything to heart and don't have the reasoning skills to know that there will always be a place for them. Additionally, I bet there are trust issues with you.... will you be there or are you going to leave too? Can I allow myself to like you or can I blame you for all the bad things going on in my family?

Something struck me when reading your post.... just remember to think about this because I DO UNDERSTAND your situation. He isn't just your SO son but now he is YOURS too. Even if it kills ya.... make sure he is told that every day and that you love him no matter what. It's hard but kids need to know they are unconditionally loved. I would maybe try telling your bio son that your step may be feeling that way and teaching him some compassion and patience along the way..... Good luck!!!!!!!!!!

Yikes! You didn't say how old this boy is...I figure he is upset that he has so little time with his dad and now he has to share Dad with you and with the other boy. Maybe he even feels like his dad is going to be "stolen" from him by the two of you (especially by your son, since your son spends more time with HIS Dad!) It's probably going to take some time. It's important that your husband make a lot of special time for the two of them together and make it clear that no one can replace him, and his dad will always be there. But there also need to be clear expectations about respect.
I have 3 stepsons and they live with us---no other kids. coming up on 4 years of marriage. One was bonding with me immediately and totally accepted me (middle child). But I had a lot of trouble with 2 of them who didn't seem to like having such a big change in their life (moving, changing school, separation from grandparents, new step mom, new rules, etc). It can be a tough adjustment! But as a brand new parent (and wife) I had trouble with change too, so I wish they could have worked with me. The youngest was the worst, but he came out of it after a couple of years. The oldest (13 then, almost 17 now) just doesn't "get me" , nor I him. We get along ok mostly, but sometimes I try to talk to him and he just looks at me like I'm crazy and walks away. I have a different communication style than his Dad which may be part of the reason.
Be careful of making sure it APPEARS that all the treatment and rules are the same for both boys. I say appears because sometimes even when you know it's all fair the KIDS see/hear what they EXPECT to see/hear and make assumptions that the stepparent will be unfair. So you have to be really obvious about what is going on and why it is fair/equal or you will be accused of favoritism. Make sure to listen carefully to him and let him express his feelings so that you know what is going on with him, even if he is rude. it will help you understand him better. if he is disrespectful, you should say so, but hear him out first. Let him know that you are glad to know what goes on in his mind, even if you may not agree.
Good Luck!

Hi D.,
It sounds like you have your hands full, and you have my sympathy-- it's never easy to be a step-parent or a step-child. You might try reading both 'How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk' by A. Faber-- that will help you avoid conflicts with your stepson. And I'd also read '1-2-3 Magic' (I forget the author) for how to handle the conflicts when they do arise. And don't despair-- yes, it's awful your son got punched, but it's not outside the realm of possibility in most households with more than one child.

Wow, that's hard, but you don't say how old the other child is, which makes a big difference.

I'm assuming from his language that he is over 10??? He sounds like a child who is angry. That's really sad. See what divorce does to kids?

As someone who has been involved with troubled kids a lot over the years (not my own), I can only urge you to love (or fake it) him and do nice things for him as much as possible, and don't expect him to return the favor for many years. It's not his fault that he no longer gets to live with his Dad.

D.,
Well, the step son needs some consequences for his actions. It also sounds like he is jealous of the fact that his dad has a new family and he does not get to live with his dad or have his full attention like he did before the marriage. What was it like when you would have him over before you got married? You also might want to consider family counseling to help the transitions go better, and things won't escalate further
than they already have. There are quite a few parents who have had to do counseling for this, it is very common.
W. M.

Dear D.,

Blended families have a lot to deal with, and problems are inevitable but solvable. You will all adjust to each other, but it would not be a bad idea to get some guidance early in the game. You and your husband absolutely need to have a strategy that you can agree on. I suggest a results-oriented counselor. Liat Zohar asks you what you want to accomplish and helps you to get it. Check out her website and/or call her at ###-###-####. Website: ode2life.com

Hi,

I don't have first hand experience with your situation but I have experience with an adopted child - boy - and challenging it is for them to process their feelings. We have our son journal everyday, what made him angry, what made him happy and what kind and caring things he did that day. It surfaces a lot of emotions that we can then talk about and ending on the positive note reinforces the behavior we want to see. I also hope you'll find a way to get into family therapy...a therapist is a great resource to tell your husband about the changes he needs to make to create a successful situation - often the very things you've advocated but coming from a male therapist gets heard.

Good luck!

P.

You didn't mention their ages, that will help with responses. I'm assuming your husbands son is older and has taken the roll of "alpha". It will be your husband's responsibility to make his son conform to your house rules... you can't do anything without your husband backing you up. Keep in mind that men think a lot differently than we do. He might find it funny that one is picking on or bullying the other, in other words "toughening up" the other son. You probably need to run down to the library and pick up a few books on raising step kids, I'd start there.
Edit your message and give us the ages, it will be very helpful.
Good luck.

Family meeting (include the ex-wife if possible) Let the boys know they are EQUALS. You didn’t say how old your son is….if he’s much younger and the older child is being a bully it must be stopped! If they are close to the same age and are fighting because this is a whole new situation for both—teach them to work it out. Set down the family rules and let the boys know there will be reward and consequences for good and bad behavior.

I doesn’t sound like you and your new husband took a lot of time getting your respective children use to the idea of your marriage???

You said you had “nothing but trouble” with your husband’s son. How does your husband view your attitude toward his child? Does he even know how you feel? How does he treat your son? I ask you, is your child an angel? (be honest)! Is your child’s father active in his life?

Keep a close eye on the boys for the time being. Don't automatically assume your husband's child is wrong and your child is right.

Blessings…..

It's going to take a lot more than two months before your stepson "likes" you. It may take years before he "likes" you, but in the meantime you have to help him adjust to the new situation, and help him build a workable relationship with you and your son. You don't just marry the man, when that man has children. You marry him AND his kids. You don't say how old your stepson is, but however old he is, he is probably suffering really painful jealousy that you and your son get to live with his dad, and he doesn't. If you are able to help him with his painful feelings, and if you show him that you are there for him, as well as for your own child, he will eventually trust you and care for you.

You also haven't mentioned your husband, or his role in the situation. You should talk to him about how each of you can help his son feel more comfortable in your new family, and let him know you want to help, and you would like his input on how best to handle the situation. The two of you have to be on the same page as far as your kids go. Obviously, neither of you can allow his son to hit your two year old, but it would be a lot better for your relationship with your stepson if your husband dealt with conflicts between him and the baby.

Hi D.,

Number 1 - all adults need to get together and come up with a plan for discipline and love that can work from home to home. I am a psychologist and I frequently work with families on how to establish a two-family home. You could consult a person in your area and I would say the sooner the better for all concerned. Respect, consistency and any issues between ex-partners must be dealt with away from the children. Sibling rivalry is common and in some cases, understandable, as you have noted. Usually, bio (or adopted) partners are the disciplinarians for their own children, with other adults agreeing to step in in the case of violence (with removing a child from the area or time out - even removing the victim to protect him or her). Bio parent needs to be able to give the consequence as soon as possible. Step-parenting has its own challenges and it sounds like you and your husband could use some help navigating this tough first year. Best wishes,

L.

Dear D.,
I wish you'd mentioned the ages of the kids. It might make it easier to get some insight.
I too had problems after I got married to a man with 2 kids from a previous marriage. (One bio son and one step-son. Bio son lived with mom and step-son lived with maternal grandmother). Even though the two were brothers, they couldn't have more different. One was very considerate and go with the flow, and one was out to make as much trouble as possible. The biological son thought I was great, until his dad and I married and then it really hit the fan. He was 13 and my daughter was 4. She was so excited to have brothers and she got treated like dirt. To be honest, the problem wasn't so much the kid, but my husband and the way he handled the situation. I was told that under no circumstances was I allowed to say anything to my step-son and my husband refused to deal with his behavior. He blamed the kid's horrible rudeness on his the ex-wife, saying that she had never taught him any manners and there was the dynamic of the kid being a master manipulator who told my husband to his face that if he didn't give him whatever he wanted, he would refuse to see him anymore.
What could have been enjoyable visits were basically torture because my daughter and I were basically banished to my daughter's room or my bedroom because we "annoyed" my step-son.
It was a terrible mess. And I blame my husband for it.
All I can do is let you know that 2 months isn't very long (although it probably seems like it) and it will take time to get the kinks worked out.
You and your husband definitely have to be a united front. No one child is more important or special than the other and you need to agree with your husband on some very firm house and family rules. And then stand by them. Rule #1: NO HITTING
As for fighting over the TV, that's an easy one. If they can't take turns or find something they both like, then NO TV.
My husband fell in the trap of "My son isn't here all the time, so he gets to run things when he's here." It did his son absolutely no favors. And to be honest, the kid was such a brat that he was supposed to come and live with us all summer and my husband took him home after two weeks. Even HE couldn't stand him. But he wouldn't stand up to him either. So, I just think it's really important that the rules of your house are very clear. Kids do adjust. Things are one way at mom's and another way at dad's. It takes being consistent and also a lot of undertanding too. I think all kids secretly wish their parents would get back together and when they marry someone else, those hopes are dashed. And, they may even think if they can be make things tough enough, the new marriage won't last and then maybe there will still be a chance. Maybe they secretly yearn to be a part of the "new" family by having the same rules and consequences as their new step-sibling.
Things were so bad in my case that I actually went to counselling. My husband refused to go, but I actually learned a lot.
You and your husband need to be a team and have a plan, then also know that you will find new ways of working things out as you go along. Communication with the kids is really important too. You don't want to create division, but every now and then, your husband and step son should just have some private together time. As should you and your son. That way, they won't be feeling like they've lost that because you're married now. I found things my step-son liked to do. For instance, he loved staying up all hours of the night watching TV. So, once my daughter and husband were sound asleep, I would go into the living room and watch with him. Knowing how much I "annoyed" him, he would tell me his favorite shows and explain what they were about. It opened up dialog between us.
Like I said, you didn't mention how old your kids are, but you can find ways to make this work. ALL marriages and ALL children are a work in progress.
Hang in there!
And Happy Mother's Day.

D.,
It was very clear in your request with the many !!!! that this is concerning you. How is your husband handling it? Is this stress on your new marriage?
It was not clear how long you and your new husband dated and how you prepared the boys for the blending, how you include his son who has to travel back and forth. Divorce is trauma, remarriage is more trauma and it means for his son to see his father start a new life with another woman and her son. It was not clear if his mother has started a new life or is alone and what this means for him.
He sounds very sad which comes out anger. Is family therapy an option.
How is school for them?
You have a lot of responsibility to these children. They are children and even if adolescent, need a lot of guidance in how to problem solve. Google Step 2 as it is a resolution philosophy that acknowledges both sides and teaches negotiation. Remember though that is it NOT about the remote control which is an interesting thing they are vying for, control.

Both kids need a lot of warmth and compassion and sound like your step SON is a sensitive soul who will feel your resentment or protectiveness of your child.

How is your son doing? Plans for more children? I encourage you to figure it out soon as these boys will grow either together or apart and more children will intensify it. If nurtured, they can have a brotherhood that can see them through their adulthood. My step sister and I actually survived our parents divorce as they were not emotionally sound enough to blend families ...and my stepsister and I are like soul sisters and I do not know what I would do without her as I have no blood siblings. We often say our parents got married so we could have each other as friends and sisters..we did and do a lot of talking but that is not typical of boys..boys needs more shared activities..and some talk:)

Encourage your husband to read up on boys and blended families..they run deep even if they do not show it.

I agree with all the other postings. I have two step kids (who we have 50% of the time) one daughter of my own and a baby on the way with my SO. We have been living together two years and we are just, in the last few months, hitting a comfortable stride.

The first year was REALLY HARD. I mean REALLY HARD. So hard I thought my SO and I would not make it. My step kids were very jealous at times, very confused, very bossy to my daughter (who they resented because she got to live with her dad full time). At this point my step daughter is a joy, and my step son is polite, respectful but not particularly loving or interested in me. :) That's okay though, he is still going through a lot and he still hopes his mom and dad will reunite one day. They ALL hope that, it's just the way kids think.

Be patient. Be understanding that your step son is very jealous of both your son and the time his father now spends with his "new family". Children do not have the experience to understand the situation fully. Don't be a doormat, but you WILL have to be the bigger person. You simply HAVE to be. You are the adult.

Definately talk to your husband and make sure he is taking care of any discipline issues. I don't know how much he sees his son, but my SO went to court to make sure he got 50%. He spends one night a week with JUST HIS KIDS. No me, and not my daughter. It works great as my daughter loves having me all to herself for the night and his kids love having their dad all to himself. It probably won't work forever, but it has helped IMMENSELY with showing his kids that he still has time for just them.

You can't rush blending families. It needs to be done gently, even if you are married and living together.

Good luck and happy mothers day!

You and your husband have to have an united front and talk to him. You have to be on the same page that you are not replacing his mommy but that it is yours and your sons home now to and he has to respect you. His dad has to lay it out for him and give him the consequences.