Problems with Ex

Updated on September 15, 2008
V.G. asks from Manteca, CA
4 answers

My ex and I have been separated for many years but have remained very close. Almost as if we were still together. Our daughter is three and we have been separated all of her life but we still do things togeter. I finally came to the realization that we are never going to be a real family, so slowly I have been pulling myself away from him. The problem is he always pulls me back and I let him. Just recently I felt like I was getting over him, then he tryed again to pull me back, but I wouldn't let myself give in to him again. Not even a week after this incident he told me that he is moving in with someone that he has been seeing off and on for years. I was so heart broken, all my thoughts of getting over him were gone. He went on to tell me that she lives in the same town as us and has two kids. This is a guy that lives with his parents and has recently gotten a DUI, so has no ID. I don't see how a women that has two kids, and a home of her own would allow him to be a part of her kids lives. I feel that I have a moral obligation to tell this women what has been going on between my ex and I. But, I don't think she would believe me. I'm sure he has painted her a terrible picture of me. I don't know how to process this in a rational way. I feel like I can't function. I'm constantly crying and depressed. It's not just what he did to me and this women. But, what he is doing to my daughter. She is going to be staying with him and this person that he obviously does not care for and respect. My fear is that she will become attached to this person, just to have her disappear from her life. I'm ashamed to say that he has done this to me in the past when my daughter was must younger. I did not handle it well then, and I want to find a new way this time.

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So What Happened?

I'm glad I wrote in, all of your advice was very helpful. Your responses opened my eye's and made me see what type of person he has always been. I realized that he is not worthy of my time or emotions. From now on I'm going to have the least amount of contact with him as possible. And concentrate on myself and my daughter.
Thank You,

More Answers



answers from Modesto on

Forgive my bluntness, but he sounds very manipulative.He wants it all and he's been getting it - from you and from his girlfriend.
1)You are not responsible for this other womens decisions in life - you do not need to talk to her about anything or "warn" her. You are biased anyway and she wouldn't take you seriously.
2)If you think there are some serious flaws in him (DUI, lives with parents etc)and wonder why she wants him - why do YOU still want him? YOU DESERVE BETTER. However you need to become ok with being single, and become happy with yourself. Only then will you be able to see and appreciate the other men out there that are of better quality and better for you.
3)You need to focus on yourself and your self healing. You can never get over someone if you see them so often. Your daughter should be dropped off to spend time with him while you do something else for awhile.
4)In addition your daughter doesn't need to be confused thinking you 3 might still be a family, especially now that there will be another woman entering the picture on a more permanent basis. Distance yourself from him. You are her mommy and he is her daddy and you are SEPARATE households.
5)Do you have any formal support arrangements? It does not sound like you have. I suggest you make arrangements for child support and custody agreements, because once you start getting your life together he may not be so cooperative with you anymore. Look around for low cost/sliding scale legal clinics to help you.
6)Seek counseling. Severing of emotional attachments is difficult and many people can use help in this area. You can often get help through your church, public support groups (often listed in the newspaper)or from a suggestion from your doctors office. You may even want to seek the help of your medical doctor for a short course of antidepressants if you are severely depressed, crying and unable to function. Do you have any COBRA health benefits through your former job? Do you qualify for medi-cal health care benefits?
7)Look for another job not only to keep yourself emotionally busy ( and less prone to depression), but to be financially independant for your daughter.
I am not an expert in community resources. Pehaps some other mothers will have more information regarding community resources and groups that you can contact for help in these area.Remember - you can be strong when you need to be. You can do this. Best of luck to you and your daughter.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Modesto on

Hi V.,

You sound like a loving mother working hard to be the best you can for the people you love. However, for your own good and the good of your daughter, you need to let this man go. You are on the right track, pulling away from him--it's the most sensible thing both for yourself and for your daughter. He sprung this news about another woman on you to change your behavior and throw you into turmoil, and he got just what he wanted. For your own good, you need to wish him well and say goodbye. You have no moral obligation to this other woman, who is an adult responsible for her own two children. If she has the poor judgement to be involved with a man who has a DUI and lives with his parents, that is her business. The only two people you have a moral obligation to in this situation are yourself and your daughter. Teach her strenth, independence and responsibility by your own actions. Unless you fear for her safety, don't worry about what goes on when she's with her father. You only have control over yourself and your own actions, so be the best role model you can be for your daughter. That will bring lasting healing for both of you. Best of luck--you'll be in my prayers!




answers from Stockton on

Some men are just sweet talkers. It is not your job to tell this lady about how he is not responisble. You don't want to start your relationship off with her like that. You need to keep the conversation about your daughter. What goes on in their home is their business. If your daughter is not being taken care of or he is driving your daughter around without a license you need to speak up. This might be a blessing. He will be focusing on his new relationship and you can heal and get over him. He is not a keeper. You do not want him to keep talking his way into your life. I know it is hard right now, but hang in there it will get better :)



answers from Modesto on

Hi V. :o)

Sorry your emotions are flying all over the place. Let me try to help with pointing out some of your facts that you gave us. Maybe something as simple as that, can help you "hang on" and deal with things for you and your daughter.

1) Of course this "other woman" would allow him in her life! She see's the same things in him that you did/do! So, try not to be too hard on her!

2) He will always be in & out of your daughter's life. You sadly told us that is a fact. Do you think he would treat her kids any different? Especially if they're not even his "rea" kids..............I don't either :o)

3) You love him! Plain & simple :o) And the more we love, the more it hurts when the love is over.

V., it will work out better for you (in my opinion) if you STAY OUT OF IT, when it comes to his relationship with this other woman. She will have to figure it all out for herself. If you interfere, it could back-fire on you. She might just think you are the "jealous ex"..........

Focus on the important things that are in your life right now. Your daughter and her security & happiness. It sounds like you are the only one in her life that will be the "constant security". Do things that will solidify that for her little heart. It sounds like her dad is going to "rock her little daddy world", so you remaining solid and secure is for her best interest.

Good Luck, V.. Be strong.

:o) N.

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