Preteen Doesnt Want to Do Anything

C.,

I can suggest maybe having a sit-down meeting with her and discuss a list of the things that need to be done, and see if she is willing to accept responsibility for some of them.

Maybe the housefairy.org site can lend some assistance, too, as it promotes good behavior with positive reinforcement.

Best wishes,
K.

I can tell ya its a tough situation to motivate a teenager. I was a teen that wouldn't do anything either till my dad got involved. I think what he did was the most effective thing ever. I have used this with my boyfriends teenage daughter and i have some friends who did this and it worked. First you take away the most important thing to a teenager and that privacy. Take the bedroom door. Then say you have 2 days to get this room clean or then I will clean it. He would warn me that I did't want him to clean my room. But when he did he took out everything but a bed. He even took my clothes and everyday layed out what I was allowed to wear. I had to earn everything back one by one. First I had to do all my household chores everyday for a month till I could earn back my tv, phone and that stuff. Then he would give me my laundry as it piled into a load. What ever laundry I washed myself I could keep in my room. I would have to do that till I earned all my clothes back. I had to feed and walk my dog everyday if I didn't the the dog was gone. I did lose my dog. He gave him to a family that treated him better than I did. if I messed up just even one thing we wuld start over. The first month I started over alot mostly because I thought he wasn't serious. By the second month I relised he was serious. Got it together big time. The last thing I would get back was my bedroom door. That was after I kept up on my daily chores ,laundry and bedroom for a month after I earned them back. But anytime I stepped out of line it would start all over. It seems harsh I know , But it worked and I am not scarred from it and I actually have more respect for my parents. It has worked for me and my friends. Just a thought for you to maybe try if you need to. Goodluck to you.

That's a hard one. I have three teenage boys right now and the oldest is not social so not much worked with him but the other two would rather be out when they can. When she asks to go somewhere, I would say, no, remember when I asked you to clean your room or feed your animals or whatever.......you said no?
If the animals are hers, give them away to someone who would like to have them. We did do that to my youngest boys dog and he has never forgotten it. Think it scarred him in a way but we had three dogs and his was the fourth. Too much for me to take care of alone!!
Good luck with her. Does she drive? How old is she? I think when they can work and drive, they tend to concentrate on that more and nothing else. Definitely don't give her any money unless she earns it! Good luck

I have a 13 year old...same prob... now it is much better. See, they want to go places, play video games, watch TV. and these are the best things to use to take away----their freedom. But more importantly, getting my daughter to understand we are a family and do things for our family whether in means cleaning our room or taking trash out....means we care about each other and ...mom has more time to take preteen wherever she wants go. I usually get lax on chores during the school year if it seems her homework is more than she can handle. I also notice...when we all clean together as a family ...everyone has a better attitude about it...even me:) I would stay calm...and everytime she refuses to do her chores...tell her well she not only will not get priviledges....but if mom has to clean it up then I guess she (mom) will not have time to do things like take her places or even wash her clothes....The point is...let her know she is not doing anything ...talking on phone, watching tv...etc..until she decides to pitch in and be a memember of her family

What is she doing instead of the chores? Whatever she's doing instead should be taken away.
I agree about giving away her animals if she won't take care of them. The room you could use as a compromise and let her do whatever she wants, since it's just hers and no one really has to go in there--just an idea.
Whatever you do, you have to stop reminding her about it and talking about it. Sit down and have a "family meeting" where you spell out each person's responsibilities, write it on a chart or whatever so it's obvious. Include her and get her input on it, listen to what she has to say. Spell out the consequences, too--and get her input on what the consequences should be.
Then tell her you are not going to remind her, and after that be quiet and just dole out whatever consequence you agreed upon. You may have to keep doing it, but that's okay, it is teaching her. You could have a grace period where you remind her for awhile, if she feels she needs/wants that...
Hope that helps!
Lynn

This isn't the soultion for everyone but a mission trip to a third world country changed my life when I was that age. Seeing little boys (who were my brothers ages 3 and 5) begging on the street, with their little hands held out, skinny and dirty... well as a teen it really opens up your sense of something larger than yourself. Life is not good when you are lazy. Young people need to see the real world. Whether it be a third world country or a homeless shelter.

Hi C.!

My son is only 17 months. And I don't even want to imagine going through what you're going through yet! I remember being that age, it was only about 10-12 years ago!

This is just my opinion, but I would think that taking away the things she loves would only make her madder. And what happens when she does something really wrong, like sneaking out in the middle of the night, and you have to ground her. She going to equate grounding to chores when that was something more serious. I think the punishment has to fit the crime.

Maybe there's something more going on in her life? I know I felt like doing nothing when I was fighting with a friend, or totally crushing over some boy. I really started talking to my mom about important things at this age. Maybe you can use this as a way to start the communication lines. If my mom kept taking things away and grounding me, it would make me think she doesn't understand me and would hinder me from going to her in the future.

Have you tried positive reinforcement? Maybe a little incentive will get her going. I was one of five. So one on one time with my mom was precious. I still enjoy having her to myself sometimes and I'm 25!! If my mom told me we could go grab lunch or run some errand together after I took out the trash, cleaned up the dishes, and watered the flowers, I'd do it in a heartbeat.

A family sit down might make her feel singled out or ganged up on. And trying to make her understand how important chores are for the family won't work if she's not ready to think about anything other than herself. Teens around this age get a lil selfish and think the world revolves around them. But they always got a lot on their mind. Just be patient, open, and attentive. A good listener may be just what she needs.

Good luck C.!

Teens are tough. Tell her it's her decission whether or not she does her chores, that being a part of a family means every one does their share. If she chooses not to do them, then no one else in the family will do their share for her. Don't tell her what that entails and don't threaten or argue about it, just simply tell her. For example, she will no longer have dinner made and served to her, she'll have to do it herself, no clothes washed for her, no rides anywhere, etc. She should get the picture. Teens want to be treated like grown-up's and will rebel against being TOLD what to do, so simply make it her choice. If she wants to know why she's being treated this way, remind her of what you said about being in a family and tell her this is the way it works in the real world where grown-up's live. Hope it work's, good luck.

I remember going through these tough years myself. I was much the same way and didn't keep up with my chores, either. I can't really remember what my mom did, but I think maybe she was a little more relaxed with me because I ran track, danced for a LONG time and was keeping up with my schoolwork.

Anyway, I think some of the suggestions you've been given are great. I think a family sit-down is a wonderful idea. That way, she won't feel it's just her that has responsibilities, etc. Young emotions are very sensitive. Maybe making a chore chart would help & doing some of the chores as a family, or even just mother and daughter, would make things go more smoothly.

Good luck!

I have a 13 yr old soon to b 14 and she is the same exact way.
We are at our wits end with her and her laziness. She just wants to sit around and watch tv-actaully she lays around. She cant just sit-its always leaning/laying partly down.

We try to get her to do things-taking out the trash, her laundry and helping with other laundry (towels/bedding), dusting and helping around the house with easy stuff
Its a HASSLE! Then we all get into a fight and argument and its just ugly.

She wont do anything physical. She isnt involved in anything with school-Drama, volleyball, basketball, choir, NOTHING! She refuses to do anything! She keeps her room decent most of the time.
but when she does do something suchas dust-its half-butt done!
I dont understand! Shes mouthy, roll her eyes, gives dirty looks and has major attitude with EVERYONE.

I try to be understanding and im in between my husband and daughter-its not a fun place to be

I think there are some really good suggestions. I know as a teen I had better things to do, but for me, all my mom had to do was tell me she was disappointed in me. I think the idea of cleaning as a family is good and also just the two of you grabbing lunch afterward. Positive reinforcement always worked for my mom and so far it works most of the time with my six year old. Good luck!

I am having the same problem so if you find anything that works let me know!
Thanks,
K.