Preschool Bullying

MOST of this isn't bullying. Granted, there will be a few kinds whose parents are actively teaching their child to be a bully (Push that kid outta the way! That's YOUR slide baby! Hs! Look at em cry!)... but it's rare.

In toddlers, it's mostly that they're just now learning 'how to be a friend'. As in, for the very first time. In their whole lives.

The toddler years are when kids learn
- taking turns
- using words
- asking nicely
- no hitting
- no screaming
- no pushing
- sharing
- empathy

If you think about it... these are the same things (in reverse) that describe bullies... BUT in older kids/adults. Why? Because the toddler years are when kids learn the right and wrong way to treat other people.

The way my son's preschool described it, was as I did above:

"Johnny was having some problems being a good friend today." / "How do we be a good friend? We ________." / "Suzie was being a very good friend today." , etc.

It put the whole positive spin on it, and gave the kids both something to work TOWARDS, empathy for others (in both cases... the kids were able to help monitor each other... when someone wasn't being a good friend that had words to use to describe that, and when someone was being a good friend they had words to describe that as well).

Most of the kids in my son's preschool got these lessons at home, as well (including only children), but there was one little boy who'd never gotten ANY of these lessons. In the beginning of my son's 1st year there, he reeeeeally didn't like this kid. I heard a LOT about "W". A few weeks in, my son's language shifted. "W" was working reeeeally hard at being a good friend. (Meaning he wasn't doing a very good job at it). But instead of anger & or fear about this boy, my son was pretty impressed, almost like offering condolences. The teachers were not only teaching "W", but also helping the other kids understand. By the end of the year, long after "W" had been taught how to be a good friend... he was one of my son's besties, and a very popular kid. He'd had to work a lot harder than the rest of the kids, and they both understood and respected that.

God. I LOVED that school!

I doubt that at 3 your son is being bullied. 3 year olds are in general not really nice to each other. They don't know how to share, nor are they interested in sharing. They can be downright mean to each other because they have yet to learn empathy. Unless someone actually brings to their attention that they've hurt someone's feelings, they have no concept. Their world has been about them - they have no concept of other's feelings.

So, when you're correcting the other child, you are teaching both your son and the other child empathy.

I remember when my granddaughter and my friend and her daughter both lived with me. The girls were both just under 2. They used to square off like two little midget boxers. One would corner the other and it was a free for all! Each one wanted EVERYTHING the other had and would go to any lengths to get it! I can't tell you how many times I found one cornering the other to grab a toy! It wasn't bullying - it was 2 babies discovering that they weren't the only people in the world, that they have to share, and other people's wants/needs do count.

So please quit thinking of these kids as "bullies" and start thinking of them as children who have not yet been taught empathy and then do your best to teach it when the situation arises.

I am continually surprised at the levels of bullying at such young ages. When my daughter was in preschool a girl told my daughter not to sit by her because she didn't like people with glasses! Now she's 8 and my son is 6 and every week there's something nasty - comments, snubbing, putdowns and sometimes even physical! And that's just the stuff I'm able to pry out of them. Who knows what else there is that they don't even bother telling me!

My son is also a sweetheart. We've raised him to be kind and considerate and because of that, his feelings get hurt easily when others don't treat him that way. It breaks my heart to watch the world destroy his gentle spirit. I just don't know what else to do about it!

As for handling the parents, I don't know. I generally practice avoidance (as I hate confrontation) and passive agressiveness. I either get the teacher involved or just do my best to avoid the kid/parent.

Unfortunately, you're right. Bullying is happening earlier and more often than ever before. I've found that in most cases if the kid is bullying, the parents aren't going to be too helpful with the situation. The kids got that way somehow, and it's usually because the parents are either also mean and rude, or too self centered to care.

I say let the teacher know everything. I know they're busy and can't notice every little thing, but if you bring it to their attention there's no reason for them not to squash it immediately. The other things I do are constantly talk to my kids about how to handle kids who are being mean or bullying, and I try to tell them how awesome they are as often as I can. I hope that by constantly getting the message from home that they are perfect as they are, I will be arming them with confidence that won't be shaken by the words and actions of others.

There's a song by Jack Johnson called Where'd All the Good People Go, and boy is that true.........

Good luck.

I really hate to call it bullying at an age when kids dont usually realize that others have feelings, when it's still normal for kids to think the world revolves around them. These kids may learn empathy from their parents and teachers in the next few years, so calling them bullies is like calling a baby mute because they don't talk yet. It's name calling and if you do it in front of your child you will reinforce that Joey is a bully and he should be scared of "Joey", intimidated by "Joey". Give your son lots of opportunities to be around other children and praise him when he stands up for himself, holds on to a toy or deals well with other kids when they are less than perfect. If you can casually call attention to it when the other parents are around and act sympathetic, what are WE doing to teach them to be kinder to each other? It's so hard at this age. Even complimenting a child who is assertive without being grabby or pushy. Wow I love the way Suzy walked away when Jenny was mean! Wow I loved the way Bobby held on to his toy when Suzy tried to take it!! Great job Suzy. The hardest part is when your son starts tattling, or you see it happening, don't step in, and reinforce that he is a victim! send him back with ideas on how to handle it himself.

My son is also 3.5, and I can tell you that he waivers on the line of bully vs. being bullied. It truly depends on the kids that he's playing with.
So my approach so far, is when I see him not sharing, to stop it immediately and force him to do it - or pull him out of the situation. I turn it back aorund on him..."you don't like it when Landon doens't share with you, right? So we don't do that to other people, either."

But if I see another kid bullying him, I still intervene. I'm hoping that by showing him my reactions in correcting the other kid (if the other parent is absentee), that my son will have the confidence to do it himself.

So far, this seems to work well for how he's learning and playing.

moral behavior is learned, and littles don't come by it naturally. it takes time for it to sink in. i doubt it's a matter of not caring, but many parents feel that the learning curve is best dealt with organically, by demonstrating kindness but only interfering in children's relationships with each other when things get physical. it's hard to watch when yours is on the bottom of the hierarchy, though.
khairete
S.

I agree with most of the post. At this age, it's not really (generally) bullying. It's little ones learning how to navigate in a social world and learn coping skills. They need to be taught how to use words appropriately, how to share, etc. and so on. And children acquire these skills at different ages. Some have more trouble with them.

Talk to the teacher and ask what they do in the classroom to teach kindness, using words instead of hands, sharing, feelings, how to handle strong emotions, etc. Then tell her your concerns about your child. You and the teacher might come up with some good ideas to help teach your child how to deal with these issues. (Learning the correct words to use can be very helpful. "I need space," "I need privacy," and "I don't like it when you.... It hurts my feelings," were all very popular comments in our house and in my daughter's classroom.

Where are the teachers?
A big part of preschool is teaching kids how to control their impulses, how to share, take turns, etc. They aren't really "bullying" at this age they are still learning what is acceptable behavior. The teachers should be guiding the kids with messages like "we don't treat our friends that way" or "use your words to tell Johnny how that makes you feel" and so forth. If the teachers aren't providing any guidance like this then it doesn't sound like a very good program, I'd start looking for something else.

If you are married to the co-op preschool idea then you will find yourself subjected to the other children and mothers that just don't always get it. I found that the mothers from my co-op preschool (17 yrs ago) were there to simply make friends for themselves, talk about others, and find playmates that worked for the mom and the child...oh and it was a great way to head off to preschool as the "reason" for going. Now I know I sound like a downer but I just look back at all of the "shtuff" that I put up with as a new mom and trying to do so many things right and trying to be involved in everything that I shake my head today...I, now with a 4 yr old, would never consider co-op. I take her to a wonderful preschool part time and I find that the structure that the teachers are able to provide without overbearing parents or the thought that a parent just might be there to truly help out, is better placed in fewer more unbiased hand of the teacher and assistants.

you're always going to have issues with your little man possible being mistreated. Wait for him to come to you and then reassure him of what is right, wrong and how he can help himself in these situations...It's way more difficult when you witness it and want to address it...As for the other children misbehaving, while you are there you are a "parent teacher"..go ahead and redirect and let the other children know that kind behavior is the only behavior tolerated and that the golden rule applies and you are there to make sure it is enforced..Of course in a far more delicate and age appropriate manner than I just put :)

good luck..

No if, and or buts, you need to change preschools! Bullying at this age is not age appropriate and reflects incredibly poorly on the preschool itself and the staff. You need to notify the staff of your concerns. The behaviour of the kids that you describe, if it is truly "bullying" and not just bad manners by little kids, is not to be tolerated and absolutely should be addressed by the staff.