Preperation Sibling Rivalry

Hi, L.. Congratulations on your pregnancy! I have two children, and one of the best parts of motherhood was seeing the sibling relationship develop and flourish between my children.

My daughter was 4 when my son was born, and there was absolutely no jealousy, sibling rivalry, regression, acting out or anything like that, she made a totally smooth transition.

It's great to get her involved in planning for the baby and letting her know that the baby is for the whole family. But it's important to remember that at 3 1/2, she is still a really little girl. I think sometimes parents and other family members expect/demand that the older sibling become more mature, more independent simply because there is a new baby in the family, and that's not the case. Her needs are still the same 3 1/2 year old needs after the baby comes as before. A lot of parents seem to make a big deal of the older child being the "big sister" or "big brother" but remember that the older child has their own identity, and shouldn't only be recognized as the baby's older sister or brother.

There were times after I had my 2nd baby when I would actually make a point of letting my daughter know that sometimes she still came first - like when the baby would fuss and I'd say "I'll come and pick you up as soon as I finish making K's lunch." This was for my daughter's benefit of course, the baby had no clue what I was saying!

Good luck for a smooth sibling transition!

i would say just keep her involved, get her to help you with the baby. just don't push, if she doesn't want to do something, DON'T push...my mother did and now 20 yrs later i'm still not getting along with him. i loved him to death, almost like i was his mother (i was 5) and we got along great until he started to talk. by that time i had to play with him, had to be there to take care of him when we had a babysitter (he refused to go to anyone but me and our mother). then when it came to "things" he got whatever he wanted, and i got whatever was able to be afforded, or was thought to be nice enough. like a leather jacket, he got the one i wanted (and he only wanted because i wanted it) and i got some crappy (just not the style i liked AT ALL) leather ladies jacket to be a "proper lady". when it came to friends, my friends had to play with him, or i couldn't have them over (this was since he was a couple yrs old up to even now....if they don't like him at 23, that's my problem). also, don't put all your time into the baby, not even if it's her AND the baby...make sure you give her some alone time with you every day. forcing her to be involved with the new baby, whether it's in the beginning, or even 10 yrs down the line, it just makes things so much worse. oh, and a little tip...once the baby starts to get around, try really hard to explain that big sis needs HER "me time" especially once the new baby's old enough to understand! i wish you the best. and as long as she's involved, i'm sure you won't have problems (for the 1st 2 yrs at least lol). good luck and congrats!

We read "Sophie and the New Baby" and "Aren't You Lucky" - both by Anholt and both about a ~3 year old girl and her new baby brother (through the pregnancy and after) - and both dealing with the ambiguous feelings that come with the territory. Read them first to see if you think they will be helpful... our daughter (2 1/2 at the time) loved them even though she was totally excited and didn't identify at all with the sometimes negative emotions that the little girls in the story felt. A 3 year old might identify a bit more with the characters and maybe take the themes a bit more to heart. Also, another we found is "Darcy and Grandma Don't Like Babies." A little more negative but a cute story. We also had her look at lots of pictures of babies in my pregnancy books (she even liked the diagrams in What To Expect When You Are Expecting) and talked A LOT about how the baby was growing, what it would/wouldn't be able to eat/do, etc.

Good luck!

I dont have 2 kids but I have heard other parents say that they would have a special day for the older child.

Mostly because in the beginning, you and your husband will be spending all your time doing non stop baby stuff.

So 1/2 day saturday or sunday, would be their day and 1 parent would take the older child out for some 1 on 1 time with out the baby around to demand attention. One weekend was daddy and then next weekend was mommy. At least until she would get use to it and then they would do it every once and a while like once a month.

I have two children and even though I have a much larger age gap than you do (12 years between them) I am also one of six kids. My best advice is just be sure you give your 3 1/2 yr old as much one on one time as possible. My sister is 1 year younger than me (she was born on my first bday) and we had many "tif's" over the years but we get along great and are very close. I was worried about my daughter having jealousy issues because she was an only child for 12 years so when our little surprise came about, I was scared to death! I have to say, she had her jealous moments but she is a wonderful sister....we just made it clear that we love both of our children and that they are at different stages of their lives and we have to treat them differently. Of course, she is 16 now and understands much more than a 3 yr old but you can see what I mean. Good luck to you!

My boys are 18 months apart. No matter what you do there will be sibling rivalry. It's natural. You can minimize it a little when the new baby comes home though. My husband and I got our oldest involved in getting everything ready for the new baby. He was loving it. He would tell people HE was getting a new baby. My husband and I went shopping a couple of weeks before the baby came and bought our oldest a small present from his baby brother. We made a big deal about him going to the hospital to visit his new baby brother. And when we brought the baby home, we gave our oldest his little present from his baby brother. It was a hit. What kid doesn't like getting presents? lol

Just a little suggestion that my mom used with me & my sisters: When my sister was born I was 2 1/2, when she came home from the hospital & knew she would have visitors coming to see the new baby, she put a sign on the front door saying "Please ask me to show you my baby sister" and signed my name. This was when people came it was about me too. She said it worked great! I loved to show off the baby. =) This way I wouldn't be ignored, I was a big part of it. We are all still very close. I'll write back if I think of other little tid bits of advise. =)