Potty Training - Seattle, WA

It seems to me that kids don't potty train when we think they should for one or two reasons. One, they are using it as a control issue. They may feel powerless about their world in general so controlling where they go potty is all they feel they have left. Two, is he afraid of it somehow? Is he constipated or has been constipated or had a bladder infection? I understand that kids who associate pain with going to potty often have trouble potty training. I have also read that some kids see their poop, in particular, as an extension of their own bodies. So when you flush it, it feels to them like you are flushing away part of their bodies. I see from my friends and family that boys do take longer in general than girls do to finally complete potty training. I have one friend who has a very bright young man who took till 4 plus to finally go poop in the potty. It may help to talk with his pediatrician as well.

Best wishes, breath deep.

My daughter really loved "Potty Power." We rented it from the library when she was about 2 and a half and it really got us on the right track. I've always thought that potty training was more about a power struggle than actual training so maybe it helps if the "authority" isn't mom or dad or grandma . . .?

Hi! D. T,

I sympathize with you! We are in the same boat with a 3 1/2 year old. He was potty trained for about 2 weeks and did great, but then decided he was in control and started peeing on the floor. I put him back in diapers and now that's all he wants. He refuses to even sit on the potty. I've decided to back off awhile. My pediatrician said his two boys were about 4 1/2 and the last in their preschool classes to be potty trained. I know there is hope out there. I've heard boys can be as late as 5. I know that's frustrating. My husband was getting really frustrated at my son. We talked about it last night and I'm going to try a different approach to of talking about the potty in more of a loving way. Sorry if this isn't too helpful. I wish you the best.

Positive re-enforcement....sometime sound like bribary but it works. Ours was on skittle for each success. Any medical issues? I understand kids will do this when they want, even if we as parents/grandparents are less pushy. Yep reward system. good luck!

I advise reading the book, "Mommy I Need To Go Potty" by Jan Faull. For now put him in diapers for a week. Then put him in charge. Tell him you know he can do this but can do it when he is ready. Put the underwear and clothes in the bathroom and keep conversations around going potty to a mininum. Go on with life as usual. Potty training should not consume you every thought and move each day! He has to be in control of peeing and pooping. Going potty involves the most p****** p**** of our bodies. No one can make a child-use the bathroom, eat or sleep. Give it over to him and back out! Tell him you will support him when he is ready. Be calm and matter of fact about this topic. I also find that four year olds can sometimes be bribed into going on the toilet. Put something he really wants or likes to play with on top of the regrigerator. Tell him it is there for him as soon as he goes potty for five days. Make a chart and put him in charge of the stickers to be added each time he goes on his own and or day he stays dry. After five he gets the bribe item. I don't find bribes work on kids too young but sometimes the determined four and five year old will jump all over the idea of getting the reward on top of the refrigerator! You stop talking about it. Put underwear under pull-ups and let him go. He will feel really wet and hopefully hate that but your floor and carpet will stay dry. When he gets wet you be very casual by reacting by saying, "Nothing" or something like "you may want to change your pants and here are the dry ones". "After you change your wet pants please put them in this basket". "Maybe some day you will want to go on the potty." "And when you do, let me or daddy know if you want any help". Hands off for now! You need a new relationship when it comes to this topic. Surprise him with the I don't care attitude. Be unpredictable for a change.

I have potty trained lots of kids (pre-school teacher for years) as well as my own. I have found that the best method is the following:

Have a big party and say "bye-bye" to diapers. And STOP using them. Buy a kitchen timer and set it for 15 minutes. Every time the timer goes off, cheer: "yeh!!! potty time!!!!" and try to go potty. Have him sit on the potty for no more than 60 seconds to 2 minutes, whether he goes or not. As soon as he leaves the potty, re-set the timer for 15 minutes, and do it all over again. Have a reward for when he goes, and say it's OK when he doesn't.

I have also found that to get them over the fear of the potty, it was helpful to take them into the bathroom with me when I went and to have story time in there. A couple weeks before the "bye-bye diaper party" I would put them on the potty, lid closed and read a story. After a few days, I would put them, clothed, on the potty to read, then, in a few days more, I would do story time without the pants and not talk about "going". Then came the party, followed by the potty-time timer.

Use the timer ALL DAY. Use a pull-up only at sleep times. If you work, you should try to take a day or two off to do it; ie: start on a Saturday and take off Monday and Tuesday, or take off Thursday and Friday to start it. Almost all of my kids (day-care and my own) were basically not having accidents within less than a week.

The most important thing is to STAY CALM!!! I know it is hard but the more you stress and show it, the longer it will take him to relax.

GOOD LUCK!!

Since he is four, have you asked him why he doesn't want to go in the potty chair? Just wondering...

Have you tried those floating things that go in the toilet and they aim for them? Make a game of it! Tell him he can make bubbles in the big boy potty... haha! I would also check with your pediatrician.

Good luck.

this may sound odd but it helped with my son... When I needed to use the rest room I would tell him "Will you help mommy go potty?" He would sit on my lap and I would say things like "but it's scary" and he would calm me down saying "It's ok mommy" He would sit with me until I was done then we would both clap our hands applauding me and he would watch me wipe and help me flush the toilet and wash my hands. he began to feel comfortable around the toilet and eventually wanted to use it so we could switch roles:) Also making a game of peeing using cheerios in the toilet that he could aim for helped as well.

Katrina

Sorry you are having such problems - potty training can be really frustrating for all concerned. It sounds like it has become too 'big of a deal' for everyone.

I suggest backing off a bit. You probably don't want to insist that he stay on the potty for a specific amount of time - keep it low key.

There is an amazing video called Its Potty Time, about a little boy having a birthday party, and all the kids go potty - it is hysterically funny and has these cute little songs with well-known tunes. We moved my sons potty into the living room (with a big towel underneath), and let him sit there (if he wanted to), watching this video, and it really helped.

We also went to a rewards system. He loved trucks, so we got a bunch of inexpensive trucks (Hot Wheels, stuff at Value Village, garage sales, freinds.), and he got a truck every time he went potty.

This was also successful, although I am pretty sure my son 'milked the system' in order to maximize his truck collection. Expensive? A bit, but so are diapers, and if you look around, you can probably find very inexpensive trucks. You could also try stickers or quarters or whatever motivates your child (not food). If he is able to handle the concept, you could even give him stickers on a chart that he could turn in at the end of the day for something special like an extra story at bedtime or whatever.

whatever you do, try to take the pressure off your child and yourself - he will learn, eventually.

Hi, This may be hard to hear a first. My son had a rough go at it as well. She was just being difficult. It sounds like you are dealing with the same thing. My Grandma, who is very old school gave me some advice. She said if you the parents are on the ball making sure the child has every chance to use the bathroom but the child is just being difficult, this is what you do. First thing it the morning explain that if you wet yourself instead of using the toilet I will clean you off with the garden hose. I used this old school advice and it worked. Boys are alot different than girls in my experiance and need a little more direct aproach at times.

My son is 4 and we are trying to potty train him again. We've been trying for about a year now. I also put a post up about this situation. I think you can see my post explaining my situation on my profile and read what others suggested. I started two days ago when we ran out of his diapers. I told him that there are no more diapers and just put him in underwear. He's had 3 accidents already in the last couple of hours, but he doesn't like the feeling of his clothes being wet, so I'm hoping this will help him want to go in the potty instead of his pants. Meanwhile, I'm taking him and putting him on the potty every hour on the dot. I'm not sure to address why your son screams on the potty. Sorry I can't be of any help on that issue, but I think you should give it try to just put him in the big boy underwear and don't go backt o the diapers. We use night time pull ups for nap and night time. Good luck!

How I potty trained my sons is, I put small pieces of toilet paper in the toilet water and told my son to sink it with his urine...it served two functions he like going potty and he never missed the water. Some boys/men can't seem to hit the water they go on the toilet and floor. This also worked for bm, because after he was done he could look to see if it sunk the paper.

Have you considered letting him in the bathroom when you or especially, dad are in there using the facilitys? (toilet included) May sound a little personal, but my son is deaf and explaning the prosess was not enough he wasn't comfortable till he "saw" us using, and not being hurt or sucked down or such. Some people think this is to invasive but after only a couple of "exsabitions" the fear was gone. He didn't actually train till his sister was using,by then he was four as well. Personally no kids ready till they are ready different age for everyone. I do feel your fustration with school age aproaching so fast.

You've already received some good advice. I just wanted to say again to ease off some. I had custody of my cousin when he was 3yrs old and he showed ZERO interest in using the potty. Nothing seemed to work targets, rewards, charts.... What finally worked for him is giving him control and responibilty for his actions. We stopped using pull ups and diapers all together and got him some cloth trainers. Explained that he needed to use the potty, if he didn't he was going to have to clean up after himself. So when he went #1 or #2 he had to do the cleaning (including laundry). With some supervision he had rubber gloves and took care of the mess. Also a bit of peer pressure (no teasing, just questions why he wasn't doing it) and within 2 weeks he was sucessfully using the potty and by the end of a month he was clean/dry day and night. He was just over 4yrs old.

HTH

E.

Hi D., My first son wasn't completely 100% potty trained until he was four and my almost three year old is nowhere near being trained (much to my mother's horror!). I found out with my first that you just can't make a kiddy use the potty no matter home much you try! I just had to get clear that he would eventually become potty trained (never heard of a 10 year old in diapers, have you?) and that I had to become OK with his process. I did remind him about the toilet (Would you like to use the potty?) but I had to learn to really and truly not care if he said "No", which he frequently did. In other words I had to step back and let him call the shots. You son will let go of diapers in his own time AND when the pressure is off. I found with my eldest and now with my almost three year old that anything more than a suggestion causes them to rebel and show their power. Its hard but trusting and having faith that diaper freedom will come to has helped me keep my sanity - and not speaking about it with anyone who is not sympathetic to your situation. I have also found that letting them go naked around the house in winter and outside in summer really helps. Sure there are a few accidents but its worth it. Be kind to yourself and relax about it. It will happen.

I'm responding to your description of him crying uncontrollably. That always means to me that I should back off. He is having strong emotions which will always interfere with potty training.

And to your frustration. Back way off until you can do this training calmly, with praise, and acceptance whenever he succeeds.

I've never heard of a child not being potty trained by the time they go to school. Just relax and let him progress at his own speed. Never "make" him sit on the toilet or once there to perform. Make using the toilent a pleasurable experience.

Hi there, I have three boys and they pretty much started at different times when they were ready. I was thinking that maybe you could try bringing him in the bathroom with you everytime you and your husband need to go potty? You may have already tried this but it shows him that it's safe and when you flush the toilet you should clap your hands and make a big happy deal about it. I think that they will be fascinated by how you praised yourself and may want the same response? I'm curious to see how that works. Let me know!

Dear D., You sound really frustrated. You say you have been trying to potty train your little boy for 2 1/2 years. That is a long time....since he was 2? If you had started earlier, it might have been easier. By 2, he was already in control of the process and now you have a power struggle going on. Is there any incentive for him to use the potty? Do you put him there and leave? Do you make it fun? When he throws a fit, do you give in? When he gets off the potty, do you put his pampers back on? Is he allowed to see you and your husband in the bathroom? Before you try anything else, I would suggest you back off for awhile. He will be housebroken before he goes to college! Good luck, N.

D.,

I agree with everyone who suggested a "time-out" from potty training. I also agree that at 4 and 1/2 he may respond very well to giving him control of the situation. Give him pull-ups and underwear, let him decide what to wear, and when to use the potty, and assist him in a very matter-of-fact way when accidents happen.

Tactics that worked for us: 1. Talking a lot about "big boy" or "big girl" privileges that will be earned when he or she shows that they are a "big" boy or girl by using the potty. 2. Bribery with skittles. 3. Speaking admiringly about others in their peer group who have achieved toilet mastery. 4.Direct peer pressure solicited from little friends. (Another good use of skittles.)

Most of all, CHILL OUT! This too shall pass. Ooooh! Sorry.

D. T

Maybe quit making sucha big deal about it. Explain to him that he can't go to school unless he can use the toilet and leave it at that. (You probably have already tried this, Im sure, just thought I would share)

poor boy! poor mama!

could you try a different potty? we have a little camping potty that my 4 year old can set up himself. i help him put the bag in, and it's very small. and it doesn't look like a regular potty.

some kids really don't like to let go. potty in his pants is still potty under his control. if you have has unsuccessful tries before, he might have an attitude about it.

is he in preschool? peer pressure might be more motivating at this point, if he's trying to control situations by controlling your emotions. four year olds are experimenting with all kinds of control and emotional issues.

have you talked to your family doctor or pediatrician? might this poor boy have a physical issue that needs to be addressed?

best of luck - and as frustrating as it is, don't forget to enjoy and and have times when you are *not* talking about potty, and you are just boosting his confidence by playing and loving him for who he is!

this too shall pass :)

Wow, at 4 I would give him a spanking when he goes in his pants!!

If you aren't comfortable with that I would literally hose him off outside when he goes in his pants, I know its cold out but just explain that this is just the natural course of events until he learns to use the potty. Tell him he is a big boy and too big to be changed in the house and cleaned in the shower. This worked with my daughter when she turned three, all it tock was once and she decided the potty was the place for her!
Good Luck, remember YOU need to be in charge not him
Katie

I dout he will be in diapers when he get in his preteens and if he is you got bigger fish to fry. Let him figure it out on his own. You might be causing more harm then good with the presure.
My daughter was afraid of the toilet so I got her A beach bucket, Problem solved.
Good luck

I have a suggestion for your potty training. They have these rings that you can buy, I believe at Babies-R-Us, that you put in the toilet and your son can aim at them. It may be easier by making a game out of it. Rewarding him for using the potty might work, such as, making a chart and putting stars on it every time he uses the potty or giving him a treat every time. S.

I agree with many of the responses here, It is not your fault!! Children are all ready at different ages. I also was a preschool teacher for many years and potty trained many children, I had no fears becomming a parent and believed that any child could be potty trained by 3 years old. My son is now also over 4, and still has several accidents most days, but he is doing much better, and has clean and dry days! For a long time he acted afraid of the toilet and would scream whenever we brought him near (still does it for public restrooms). Some things that have helped at home and now we are trying in public are:
**Most important is take off the pressure, he already feels it!! Tell him it is okay to have accidents and that you will not get angry any more. If he feels too much pressure, he will stop trying becuase he feels he will fail. Focus on staying clean and dry, instead of "not having accidents." Help him see the benefits of his work.
**Start out just making him look at the potty, reasure him he doesn't have to sit on it.
**Make a game, time how long it takes for him to go in, touch the toilet and come back. You can do this many times in a row.
**Buy him his own toilet brush, let him clean the toilets.
**Make a game, time how long it takes for him to go in, sit on the potty (with pants on) and come back.
**Time pulling up and down pants (make sure his pants are all easy for him to manipulate himself).
**Time him going into the bathroom, touch toilet, pants down and up and then come back.
**Time the whole routine (he doesn't have to go, but does sit with pants down).

We tried having our son clean his own dirty pants, but we ended up washing all his clothes every day, he enjoyed it too much! We also tried treats after every time he went and while that worked great at first, it didn't take long for him to learn that whenever he wanted a treat he just had to go potty (sometimes many times in a row). Also it didn't help accidents, becuase he could usually go a little more even after an accident. So now we set a timer for every hour and if he is clean and dry he gets a treat after he goes (whether he has had accidents in between and cleaned them up himself or not). It is working very well for us. Also if he is clean and dry all day he gets a sticker on a chart saving up for trips to McDonalds, toys, etc.

I have a little girl not a boy, but a couple of my friends who have boys said they put cherrios in the toilet and that it worked great. Good luck.

HI D., first of all don't feel that this is your fault. All kids learn at thier own pace. Something to think about though....My son is now 8 years old and still poops his pants, he does potty in the toilet, but will not do the other. My husband and I have tried EVERYTHING to get him to stop soiling himself. My son is in 2nd grade and through conferences with his teacher and little things he does at home we decided to take him to a child psychiatrist, we have just found out that he has Aspergers Syndrome and OCD. Aspergers is a high functioning form of Autism. It is a hard thing to diagnose but this may be something to think about with your son. Some of the signs of this are, being highly intelligent and having a serious interest in odd subjects...my son likes motorcycles and can tell you just about anything you want to know about them. He can recite facts like an encyclopedia! He's like a little sponge when it comes to things that he is really interested in. Another sign is he doesn't understand social cues, like when you have a smile on your face and say something sarcastic. He just doesn't get it. There are a whole bunch of things that I'm not going to list, but you might want to search the internet and see what you come up with. The toilet training was our first clue that there may be something wrong, other than that he is just like any other "normal" child. It's definately something to look into. I hope you can find some relief somewhere, I know it always feels like you aren't doing enough, but the fact that you are worrying tells me you care about your child and want the best for him. Good luck to you. M.

D.,

When I read your post I thought you were talking about my son. He is 4 1/2 and not interested AT ALL in going potty. We've had him nearly trained twice, and now he just doesn't seem to care. The kicker for me is that he's the size of the average 5 year old and too big for the size six pampers diapers. We have to use pull-ups day and night and just hope he goes. We have, in the past, tried stickers, m&m's, cheerios, everything. My hubby and I are so frustrated that we've just given up with trying to get him to go.

Talking with my hubby while typing this he just had an idea that we're going to try. In the middle of our shows that we like to watch, not the commercials, just say "Oh, I have to go potty" and go. Our son copies everything that we do, we're hoping that this night work for us.

I just wanted to let you know that you are not the only mother out there with a 4 1/2 year old that won't go potty. Sometimes the best thing to hear is that you're not the only one going through something.

Hope this helps,
Melissa

First, seriously look into whether or not he has been sexually abused. Does he display any feelings about not wanting to be naked, or being scared to be away from you or with certain people? If you can rule that out, then talk to his pediatrician to make sure he does not have any developmental problems. When you take him to play with other 4 year olds, does he measure up in all other departments, or is he behind across the board. Last, if you have ruled out both of those problems, you might have been pushing him too hard and putting too much pressure on him. If so, let it go and let him know that he can decide when he wants to go on the potty and you will not ask him to anymore. Start by letting him pick out some big boy underwear and explain to him that he can wear these whenever he wants. But, we want to make sure not to get them messy because then we can't wear them anymore. Let him wear just underwear and a shirt to play, and ask him to tell you when he need to put on a diaper (or pull-up) so he can go potty. If he has accidents in his underwear, don't be so quick to clean it up (especially if it is just pee). After about 5 minutes, the pee will get very cold, and very uncomfortable. It may even start to cause irritation on his legs. Wait until he asks to be cleaned (or suggest he might feel better cleaned) and say uh-oh, your underwear got all messy, and now you can't wear them anymore. Be sad yourself, and he will follow. Eventually, he might get the hang of it, and that is step one to getting him potty trained. After that, you can make rewards or parties for any time he goes on the potty. Let him decide if he goes on the toilet, on a special potty chair, or in his diaper. Get him some "targets" to pee on in the toilet, and you may even consider a toddler urinal (peter potty) for extra fun. In the meantime, let him observe you and your husband going potty so he can see it is a normal thing and nothing to be scared of, but don't ask him if he wants to do it.

Good luck

Hi D.,

You have some great advice on here! First, have him decide with you what day you guys are going to start potty training and make a commitment to it. Once potty training starts, tell him he's a big boy and this is the way it is.

If he is afraid of the toilet, talk to him and try to figure out his fear. Is he afraid of being sucked down? Show and explain to him the toilet won't hurt him. If necessary, put him on a potty training chair first. Is he having trouble letting go of part of himself? Some children have a tough time flushing away a part of themselves. Explain that his poop is waste and not needed and it is okay to send it away.

And last, if you are feeling desperate, there is a great potty training program that even Dr. Phil has endorsed called Potty Training in One Day. You can get the book for $14.95, DVD for around $17.95 or the book and DVD set for $29.95. I have been meaning to add them to my store, but I am a bit overwhelmed with my business. I am sure a quick search online will find these for you. If not, email or call me and I will special order it for you and have it sent to you immediately if that is something you want to try. Here's my website: www.punkinbutt.com

A.

D.,
Our youngest son was very interested in potty training early and then one day he stopped. We put him in preschool when he was 3 and they helped him. By seeing other boys using the toilet, he learned. I was afraid, but the teacher assured me that things would work out. (Also the requirement for the school was that he be potty trained.)One week before school began I told her that I would have to drop him from the program because he wasn't potty trained yet, she told me to bring him in a pull up and bring an extra set of pants and underwear. He did have two accidents, but has been potty trained since. Exposure to other children their age who are potty training helps a lot. Finding a good preschool with teachers who are kind and willing to work with you is priceless. Good luck.

I am a single mom and I just started potty training my 3rd boy. It is very hard and frustrating, but it does pay off! But remember that if it doesn't work right away keep trying and it's never your fault if it doesn't work! Boys are harder than girls are, the have their own way of doing things. I'm sure you alredy know this though. Just remember it doesn't have to be a fight, make it fun even if he doesn't go. I agree candy is bad, but that is how I got my little one going on the potty. We gave him 1 for trying, two for going pee and three for going poop. After he got use to it we cut back and started giving high fives, sometimes we have to give him a reward candy though. But you can use anything, healthy stuff too (even stickers/stamps)! Use what works for you and family. I myself and my 9 year old go potty with him to get him motivated, it works well! He really enjoys going with his big brother, his big brother even sits down instead of standind so he doesn't get confused. Good Luck!

My kids (1 boy/2girls) were actaully pretty easy to potty train and whether is was just their personalities or my method I don't know, but they were all trained by 2½. Keep in mind that this is last real big thing that your son has control of and it sounds like he's working it good. My greatest advice for you would be that when you decided to start training, don't stop and let him think that he's won again. At 4½ this is definately a battle of the wills and he needs to know that Mommy is going to win. Another thing is that personally I can't stand those little seats that sit on the floor that people use to train their kids. Since he will be using the big potty eventually anyway, why not train him to use the big potty now - avoiding another possible battle. Buy one of those padded inserts and an extra stool to keep beside the toilet and you're good to go. You know your son better than anyone so you know what he absolutely loves. Either motivate him by rewards or take away what he loves. Be strong though and be ready to follow through with either. Mommy means business and we are going to do this once and for all. Be strong D.!

I have two older kids, and both of them (girls) were over three years old before they were potty trained. It was a struggle! But I found one thing that worked with both kids. There was something that each of them really wanted. With my oldest, it was Tinkerbell make-up. I told her that make-up was for big girls, and when she could go potty like a big girl, I would get her the make-up. I can't remember what it was with the younger. But both times they had pretty much decided on their own incentive, and it worked like a charm. Maybe the next time your son expresses an interest in something he wants, give it a try. Good luck!

Hello,
Something that worked great for my son when we were potty training was to put cherrios in the toilet and make a game of aiming at them. He loved it so much. Of course that was only for pottying not pooing, but when it came time for him to poo he automatically went in and sat down on the toilet and went.
No questions asked, no fuss, ne mess.
We also did a sticker chart, at the time he was into Thomas the train so we drew a train track on a poster board with all the landscape and the station at the end. Everytime he went in the toilet (either pee or poo) he got to put a sticker of Thomas the train on his chart (right in front of the last one). When he completed his chart he got to go to the store and pick out a toy. He loved it.
Hope this helps