Possibly Moving Out of New York

ETA: great suggestion from mynewnickname to rent a house for a year before buying. Did you ever read Superfudge by Judy Blume? Remember how they rented a house in NJ for a while and then decided to move back to the city? You might not be able to find a rental in the exact place that you would buy, but it would be a great compromise to make sure it's really what you all want before investing in buying a house. There are some communities in NJ that should have a robust housing rental market to accommodate executives who transfer to work in NYC and need to rent before moving their families here.

Original: If driving is your only hang up, that's a problem that you can easily solve and are taking steps towards it. You'll be fine driving, and it's really a skill that everyone should have. Some of my colleagues travel to visit clients in places where there is no public transportation or even a reliable taxi (or Uber) service in place and the only option is to rent a car at the airport and drive to the client's work site. Having your license and knowing how to drive will literally open up the whole world to you - imagine being able to take a road trip all on your own! Imagine deciding one day that you want to go to the beach, or go camping or apple picking or on a bike trail or something else that is a pain to do in the city and having the convenience of hopping into your car with all the stuff that you need and just going. My sister lives in Brooklyn and has a car but a huge treat for her is to come home for Christmas and be able to go to a full-size grocery store or Target, where everything is in one place, not having to go to the green grocer, then to the butcher, then to the fish monger, etc. While that's fine for every day shopping needs, when she has a party or is hosting a dinner, it's a pain. I can't imagine my kids playing the sports they do without a car - hockey bags, lacrosse bags, etc. would be a giant pain on a subway or bus, and there is literally no way to get to the rinks or fields, especially for tournaments, without driving. Sometimes my kids will be a different tournaments in different states on the same weekend, so I'll have to drive to one and their dad will have to drive to the other.

Don't let this get in the way of what could be a great move for your family. I loved living in Boston when I was in college and just out of school, but once I had kids, it became painfully obvious that life was more affordable and easier out in the suburbs. I don't have a single friend or colleague who has kids who still lives in the city. I still commute into the city for work every day, and might move back when my kids are grown, but for raising kids, the move out to suburbia has been great. My parents were both raised in Boston and moved out when they got married and have never looked back.

Your husband wants to move to the suburbs for the sole reason of living near a friend? It just does not seem like a good enough reason to move if only one of you wants to do it. How long would his work commute be? You will have to get comfortable driving and be prepared to drive your kids everywhere. It's a totally different lifestyle and if you are a stay at home mom it can be a lot more isolating being in the suburbs. If you do it this will be a huge adjustment for you. I'm not saying you should not do it...just that I can see you resenting the move a couple years from now. There are a lot of benefits of living in the suburbs too so maybe you will love it. Another option - your husband makes some new friends! (On a side note: I strongly believe everyone should be able to drive and have a license...what if some kind of emergency came up and you were needed to drive? On road trips and vacations you can take turns driving. It's the smart thing to do. My SIL lives in a large city and doesn't drive. Her father passed away last spring and her mother needed her to fly there and help while he was dying in the hospital. Her mother NEEDED her to go back to the house and get things for her and do things for her but she couldn't because she doesn't drive. All adults should know how to drive.)

I agree with your husband. Most women drive. I understand in big towns you don't need it as much and parking limits that desire to even try to drive.

I do know a couple of much older ladies that never learned to drive. They did just fine. The kids went to a neighborhood school, within walking distance, and they had hubby there to take them grocery shopping when they needed to go do stuff.

If you like the neighborhood and the schools and it seems like a good thing then go for it. I believe you will find you like it.

I am NOT a country girl in any way. I am an OKC city girl and love the noise and closeness of everyone. I live in the country now. I cried myself to sleep every night for months when we first moved here. It was so quiet too.

I don't go outside unless it's to the vehicles and back. I don't even take out the trash. I miss living in town so much. But, I've adapted and made a life for myself out here.

I drive. It's a gallon of gas to get to town then another gallon of gas to get home. Anywhere we go it's costly because we're so far out. I think you will do fine, I really do. I'm old and a grandmother so it's different. You will have friends in that area and a whole new group of friends to do stuff with soon.

As your husband's friend's wives what they think, will you adapt? Will you have to learn to drive? Can you depend on them if there's an emergency at the school and you need a ride to go pick up your child? What resources can you count on from them to help you transition.

Driving isn't hard. It's tedious of course but if you do decide to drive and get anxious then stay off the main roads and don't do highways. I can go pretty much anywhere I want in OKC and the surrounding towns without ever getting on I-35, 240, 44, 3, or the Broadway Extension. I just stay off those highways and drive city streets. It might take me a bit longer to get from the north side to the south side but I enjoy myself so much more.

Trust yourself and be brave. If you are still not sure then go to the area you're thinking about. Stay a few days and just "live" there. See what it's like to drive from that house you like to the school and back, can you walk it in a few minutes? Then you can walk. What about grocery shopping? Is there a market or store you can walk to? I used the kids stroller to put small trip groceries in. I'd push them through the store and put the groceries in a hand held basket then check out and carry the bags home in the bottom. Not a big deal.

Get your license.
Rent before you buy. This will allow you to get to know the area and what you are looking for in your new state.

R.,

Change can be a good thing sometimes....you are outside your comfort zone.

I don't understand people who haven't learned to drive. I know people who have never driven. I know people who got their licenses in their 30's and wondered why they ever waited.

Get your license.
Move to the suburbs.
Enjoy your family.

even in the suburbs there are places where you can walk to places. Explore. Learn more.
You can do it.

I think that moving to a new neighborhood to be near a friend is a strange idea - can't your husband find things to do in NYC to meet new people and make new friends? What if the friend moves again, will you keep following them? Will this other family's life decisions dictate yours?

On the other hand, I can't imagine having lived in one place my entire life. I've lived in a rural community, a small town, a medium sized city, a big city, and the suburbs of a big city. They all have unique things about them, and I learned about myself and about others in each place. Instead of being nervous about the change, can you look at it as an opportunity to grow as a person and as a family? Yes, you will need to learn to drive (although some suburban communities are definitely more walkable than others), but learning a new life skill is a good thing, not a negative one.

As an in-between step to make you feel more comfortable, could you rent a house in the new community instead of buying so that after a year, if you really don't like it, you could move back to NYC?

I like the idea of renting for a year. Its gives you both an idea on how the suburbs would work for you both.

As with anything I'd list pros and cons on it. Remember to add in the expense of another car plus maintenance, gas, and insurance on it. You can look on Zillow and see what property tax costs on a house you are thinking about buying.

Not being able to drive is great when you live in the city because the costs associated with a vehicle are high and when you have public transportation right there you don't need to drive. Moving to NJ you would probably have to learn. Its not hard just another skill you will pick up.

The last think I would suggest is to have your hubby think ling and hard about moving. Extra commute time? Instead of a 5 minute walk to go to the corner store he'll be looking at a bit of a drive and depending on your location traffic could be stupid busy.

I have been in the suburbs since kids and can't imagine a city for certain aged kids. We live in a quiet, safe neighborhood so we're glad our kids could go roam on their own starting pretty young. But some kids love growing up in a big city. And I have friends who left and felt isolated. They were used to walking and seeing friends out and about casually. So I think there are pros and cons. I will say I have friends who say they'd never live anywhere but NYC and I kind of feel like saying "well, you never have." They don't know the good parts of other places. I can't really imagine living in one place my whole life nevermind never driving. Life should have a little adventure and variety. I agree to at least rent a year. But give it a full year at least. It's always taken me about a year to start feeling at home in a new place.

You posted a few weeks ago about moving to Linden NJ and you got some good answers.

You are correct about needing a car in NJ.

Have you considered looking at the quiet tree-lined neighborhoods in Brooklyn? Or more "suburban" areas of Queens? NYC is expensive but it is a vibrant city with some lovely neighborhoods, easy to get around...many families enjoy everything the city has to offer!

Just make sure that you and your husband consider those options before you make a move that you are so reluctant about.