Possible Suicidal Teenager?

You get her in counseling. Now.
You tell her that you are doing it because ALL teenagers go through teenage angst and you want her to have a safe place to express her feelings...especially if those feelings are things she may be embarrassed to tell you.
You do NOT tell her you read her diary. My parents did that to me, 25 years ago, and it still pisses me off.

I'd handle it with care, but I would contact a reputable therapist and call the school guidance counselor. Find an avenue and proceed. Now.

I found a suicide note in my brothers bedroom. I had suspected he was going through a hard time, and he had made comments that he wish he would die. After finding them, I gave them to my mother and told her that my brother needed help, now, and to call a psychiatrist for him to talk to. I was worried that if I didn't show her what I found, that it would be too late.

My brother never got mad at me for what I'd did. He knew I loved and cared about him.

You should contact your health insurance carrier for psychologists who can see her and get her in ASAP. Also, contact the school counselor and let that person know what's up. They don't have to tell her that you read her diary, just that you are concerned and they want to help. My GD was saying dark and scarey things about a year or so ago. I got her into counseling and it really helped. I also contacted the school and the counselor immediately stepped in to help. I would not tell her that you read her diary, but I would definitely let her know that you believe she is dealing with issues that you would very much like to help her navigate. Don't push too hard, but be there and LISTEN, LISTEN, LISTEN!

You got a lot of good advice for helping her from other people. I just wanted to address two things.

My stepdad read part of my diary once, then he was hurt and angry about something I had written, and used my private - and transient - thoughts against me. He did something wrong, but I was the one in trouble. It is still unacceptable 20+ years later. I forgave him, but I will never forget what it felt like. Do not tell your daughter what you did. Not now, not ever.

I thought it was odd that you'd have to ask if you talk to her dad. If you're married, there should be no secrets between you especially when it comes to one of the kids.Healthy relationships rely on open communication and mutual goals. Then I wondered if you're you're divorced, and I could see why you might ask.

You admit that she has anxiety. That is reason enough to already have her in counseling. If I were in your shoes, I would get her in counseling immediately. Don't tell her you read her diary. And by the way, I think you did the right thing by reading it. You read it because something inside you was telling you something was off. I would do the same thing if I thought my child was in trouble. But don't tell her. It will only upset her. She's upset enough right now. But please call a counselor today. Just tell your daughter that counseling can help with the anxiety you have been noticing. And counseling can help the two of you learn to communicate better. Good luck. Let us know what happens.

A., everyone has given you good advice. If it were me, I'd definitely talk to your husband at a time when he has some space to process this without going directly to her and confronting her.

I just want to add one thing: as a person who has had to deal with my own anxiety disorder-- it IS something which needs more attention in this case. This is a brain chemistry thing-- it may not be 'rationalized away' by taking inventory of 'how good she has it'. Please be aware of that. One can be outwardly functioning just fine but have a very destructive assessment/perception of one's self and one's world. Anxiety can really inhibit a person from having a more balanced and reasonable perception of one's own life. Self-doubt, negative self talk, it colors one's world. When our outer life and inner life are at odds, it's embarrassing and hard to talk about or bring up, even with people we love and trust. I would imagine that your daughter doesn't want to worry you or hurt your or your husband's feelings and may be beating herself up..."Why do I feel this way?", " I sound ungrateful"...

https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/anxiety-disorders/...

Being clear: I am NOT saying your daughter has this, but that it's an avenue you should consider looking into with her doctor and definitely, as everyone has suggested, a counselor or therapist who has a background dealing with young people.

I'd also suggest that it's likely time to look into any social media accounts she has, just in case there's something going on that you don't know about. I know this can be scary-- I have had some similar circumstances within my own family and it turned out that there were mental health issues at play which weren't being addressed/treated. It all resolved well, but just know, you can be the most caring, warm and loving parent and it can still happen that your child experiences these feelings. It's not a reflection on you. Get help for her now.

For me this is a no-brainer. You get your daughter into counseling. NOW.

Things aren't "wonderful" for her. For YOU they might be - but for HER? They are not.

You tell her you FEEL something is NOT right and since she doesn't want to talk with you? You are taking her to a counselor - TODAY - to get to the bottom of it.

Keep in mind, those "funny" people - comedians like Robin Williams, Jim Carrey, etc.? All suffer from depression and HIDE BEHIND their smiles and laughter. You get her to a LICENSED therapist. IMMEDIATELY.

She obviously doesn't have the same view of "wonderful family life" that you do.

I'd get counseling for her specifically and for the rest of my family.

I agree with getting her into counselling, then you and dad go to learn how to help her through this.

My sister is bi polar. As a teen, she started having bad thoughts. It wasn't until she was in counselling that she got the help she needed.

I don't keep stuff from my husband so I would probably let him know, but you don't have to tell your daughter you know. We got my son help just because I'd been listening to him and said I thought it would be good to try one session. In the end, he was the one who wanted to go for a few more.

I think it's a mistake to try to find the cause, and to try to dismiss her worries and stresses by saying there's no reason for this. You kind of argue both sides here: you say she has anxiety and worries about school/friends/boys. But later on you say you have a wonderful family and there are no pressures about anything.

My husband's ex kept writing off both kids' problems by saying she was perfect and the only problem was my husband. So she didn't get them treatment. They are both in abusive relationships and taking anti-depressants and unable to deal with pressures without running away. There are many causes of anxiety and depression - many of them are chemical and not based on external forces like peer pressures.There are also fluctuating conditions that manifest as mood swings - so an outgoing and joking person can be quite desperate at other times.

I'd talk to the pediatrician immediately and find a counselor. When your daughter is at school, make a copy of the relevant diary pages and show them to the counselor. Get advice on how to approach your daughter if you can't figure out a way to get her to counseling otherwise. I do think it's okay to say you had a nagging feeling and you want to help yourselves get through high school with better communication (not all the details, of course) and to work out strategies for handling the stresses and difficulties that may come along in high school. But you can expect pushback if she thinks the only one who needs help is her.

I think teens/kids have a reasonable expectation of privacy in general, but I also think parents have a right, and an obligation, to check their phones, browser history, dresser drawers (for drugs, weapons, evidence of sexual activity) and even a diary. You didn't read it just to be nosey - your intuition told you something was off. I wouldn't tell your daughter right now, and I'm not sure how much I'd involve the school counselor (depends on how much attention you feel they can give). It may be harder for your daughter to think "the whole school" knows about it.

Can you say why you think you wouldn't tell her dad about this?

I've got nothing.
All I can say is - if she's got anxiety - the last thing she needs to get involved with is boys.
Take a class together and tell her how much you enjoy her and you think she's a great kid.
Hug your child.
My mom pulled away quite a bit as I was a teen and sometimes a hug would have gone a long way for some reassurance.
Friends/popularity/boys is not the end all and be all of teen existence - though some will argue with me on this point.
Keeping up with all that can be a lot of pressure.
Get her curious about her own future - and interested in how her own story turns out.
There's nothing like planning out your future to keep you too busy for depressing thoughts.
Maybe contact a counselor and ask them what to do.

Sending you hugs. I have no doubt she comes from a good family and you don't put pressure on her but she obviously puts pressure on herself. I hope counseling will help her deal with her feelings in a productive way. It is just so sad that she is feeling suicidal at 14 yo. Wishing you strength as you deal with this.

My girl has had issues too. The ones that write things like that are going to attempt it and might succeed at some time. They don't talk about it, they just plan it, then do it. The ones that are blurting it out and screaming it out are the ones that want help.

Your girl is at the edge of a precipice. I would go see a therapist and ask them what to do. I truly feel bad for you. It's a horrible place to be, where you see happiness and a good kid that kid sees a world without hope.

I don't know what I would do but please, please try to find out what's causing this. She might just need antidepressants and it might be environmental. She might have something going on that she can't handle.

I really think this is one of those situations that it is better to overreact, than underreact. Teenagers are so tough! It is my oldest who is the "drama queen." I love her to death, but it is so difficult at times to determine what is real and not real. For her, EVERYTHING is the end of the world.

If it were me, I would do the following: No, I wouldn't tell dad quite yet. Yes, I would confront her, but not quite confront with the diary reading thing. I would just tell her "hey, my mom-dar (that's what my kids call my radar for knowing when something is wrong) is going off big time with you. I'm probably being silly, and probably totally overreacting, but I think that we need to talk with someone who can help us (make this a family affair)." Maybe use something you have noticed recently to justify your statement. Yes, I would contact her guidance counselor to get additional information, but I think I would be somewhat vague - I wouldn't want "suicidal" written in her file if it isn't necessary. That DOES follow her to college and also if she applies to the military later. I would also touch base with your insurance company for referrals to a mental health provider and get something scheduled ASAP - even if it means missing a little school to do it. One other thing I would check out. Has there been a rash of suicide attempts at her school recently? I hate to say it, but the two things that are contagious in a high school are pregnancy and suicide . . .

Good luck and if you can, let us know how things work out!

Thank’s for your question A.. I'm sorry to hear you are having to deal with this serious situation and I am glad to see that you have already received some helpful and wise advice here from our members.

However, just as a friendly reminder, per Mamapedia Guidelines:

Medical/Psychological questions may be asked, however, please know that the first and best source for the answers to all such questions will alway be an appropriate certified professional. Please always consult such a professional in these matters first and foremost. Most especially in those situations where actual immediate harm may come to someone.

Mamapedia does not offer medical or psychological advice to our members, and any such advice you receive on the site is taken at your own risk.

-Moderator

Oh I feel you! That's where I was about one year ago. Now my daughter is 12 will be 13 in July and is doing SO much better! Get her in counseling asap. With my daughter, she wasn't comfortable talking about it, even with me, even though we are very close. What worked for us, was passing notes/letters back and forth - at least at first, this made her more comfortable. Oh, I snooped her room like crazy and never plan on telling her. Sometimes as a mom, you gotta do what you gotta do! My daughter was cutting herself and hiding it very well. She had also written about feeling hopeless and thoughts of death. We started off weekly counseling and an anxiety/depression med from her pediatrician. We also started exercising together and I tried to spend more quality time with her like that, one on one. I to this day never told her dad (who is my husband) the entire things that I read in her journal. I know he'd over react. He knows about 80% of the truth though. So you need to gauge that decision for yourself, based on what is best for your daughter. Hugs to you and please reach out to me if you need too! :)

Cheryl B. has great advice on this. I would just add that if it were me, I would call the suicide prevention hotline and let them guide you....right now.

Counseling, now. Find a counselor who specializes in teens. You don't need to tell her you read her diary, but you should tell the counselor.