Positive Discipline - Am I Too Late?

Hi K.,
Its tough, isn't it?! I never thought it would be so easy to lose patience with someone I love so much! You sound like you're doing the right thing with timeouts; and lets face it, we all yell at times. I just finished a really interesting book titled "The Happiest Toddler on the Block" by Harvey Karp, MD. It has some good insights into toddlerhood and how they see and process things so differently than we do. I've used some of his "toddlerese" ideas and they've been pretty effective. I got it out of the library. Best, K.

You have already gotten a lot of good advice. I just wanted to offer more support for you because being a mom of twins has to be really difficult (I feel on the verge of a breakdown at times with just one child). If you are interested there is a message board for moms called Just Mommies. There are individual boards there for Attachment Parenting moms, Moms of multiples, and moms of children born in the same month as your kids. Sometimes having other moms to talk to when we get stressed and even to ask advice to can be a great help and stress reliever. Here is the link to the attachment parenting board:

http://www.justmommies.com/boards/index.php?s=12ce7573c00...

I wish you the best of luck and it is NEVER too late to start making better parenting choices. Many of us learn through our mistakes. No one is perfect. Go easy on yourself. The fact that you are concerned speaks volumes. :)

Hi K.,
Oh honey, God bless you. This is a perfect time to "reboot" and "retool". Congratulations on wanting to be the best mom you can be. I also recommend reading 123 Magic. If you haven't read it, don't think you've done it, because the method works if you follow it very specifically.
Everyone who has had a high energy child has questioned their parenting. And you are dealing with twins, yet! While you are working on your skills, please be kind to yourself, and make sure you are getting enough direct support and daily breaks away from the children to refresh and de-stress.

K.,
Don't beat yourself up over yelling. Most of us have done it plenty! I always say that when I yell it's not because I feel like it actually works, it's just that I am human and I am venting frustration! My kids are 8, 5, 3 and 10 months. I have done my fair share of yelling over the years and it truly doesn't work. I find that when I tell them how it is going to be in a calm voice, it honestly works better. They may not like what I have to say, but it works better than screaming. Your little ones are only 2 but the discipline starts very early. For me, time outs have never worked. Some people swear by them and that is great, but I think if you get a real strong willed little one then you are going to need way more than 2,3,4...minutes in a chair. Some kids are just going to challenge more than others. This goes for my own kids. One of them is fairly easygoing and will accept it pretty easily when I say "no" and another will fight me for days on the same subject. And these kids were raised the exact same way, in the same home, with the same parents. All the experts are a wonderful resource for us, but no matter how much someone studies a subject, or whatever their experiences are with their own children (if they even have any) they don't know what makes YOUR child unique. They don't know what method is going to work for your child. The big obvious is be consistent. Also, you can't let getting dressed and putting shoes on be such a fight. You need to pick them up hold them down and put their shoes on...end of story. They are two. If they are winning the battle over getting dressed, it is only going to get harder. Definitely pick your battles, but win the important ones!! Make getting dressed in the morning a race. This can be fun for them and soon they will be fighting over which one wants you to dress them first. I personally don't read any parenting books because I grew up in a home where my mother has done daycare for 30 years. I have seen many different parenting methods. Some worked really well and some didn't. Either way, it was a wonderful learning experience for me, and it helped me chose which path I was going to take (with a few adjustments along the way). Good luck! Do what works for you and learn to take all advice and sift through it and discard the things that don't feel right. Remember...For every experts opinion out there, there is an "expert" opinion that completely disagrees.You know your kids better than anybody. Just use common sense and you'll do great :)

It is never too late and the twins being so young, they will adjust fully to your new mode of discipline and never remember the "old" days.
You're doing a great job! Knowing you needed help and seeking it out just shows you want to be the best mom you can. Keep up the good work! Your children will love you for it!

Hi K.,

I am a single mother of twin boys who will be five in just another week. I know your pain but you need to try and not yell... doesn't help them or you. You are certainly not to late so don't worry about the past. I found that the more organized and scheduled we are the better everything goes. Just over two is hard to really discipline - redirection works the best at that age in my opinion. You getting out of control only makes it worse - and I know that from experience... Timeouts no more than two minutes after trying to redirect is my best advice. good luck - it does get better!! Oh about the shoes, Put him on the chair or kitchen shelf and put them on - he can't go anywhere - I still pick mine up and do that if we are having some trouble - lets us focus on the task at hand - - One last tidbit - look into joining a mother of twins org - that would be really helpful.

Kids are resilient. I have my bachelors degree in child development and I worry every day that I am "damaging" my kids when I dont react in the most patient manner. You are doing the right thing by trying to finding a new way to discipline your kids. Do you trust your pediatrician? Mine usually has great advice, better than most of the books I read when it comes to disciplining my "spirited" (hitting biting climing running away) toddler.

You are NEVER too late to change! First off, you need some back up here. Staying at home with one active child is hard enough and you've got two! Are you getting out for walks, talks, anything with an adult? Join a Mom's playgroup pronto so you can diffuse some of those feelings. We all have them! Let go of the housework sometimes, too, and just race around with your kids in the back yard or the zoo or playground. Too often our lists are long and unmet. Mentally throwing the list out and enjoying ourselves (occassionally) is what life is all about! Take the kids to the library and get YOURSELF a book. Finally, if you can not find refief by taking care of yourself, speak with your doctor. Good luck!

A couple extra things unrelated to reading books: First, I've found that a few things lead to my short temper and when I notice that my patience is waning, it's not too hard to see that I've also let other things slip too.

Give yourself enough time to get things done, which means plan ahead. With a little extra time, getting shoes on can be fun and you'll have the time to make a game of it and enjoy some laughs and smiles. I know it's not as easy as it sounds, but there is a very clear pattern between being rushed and being too serious, short tempered and short on patience, all things that your children will pick up on and not like.

Also, establish some routines and stick to them like your life depends on it. Give your little ones some tasks and make them follow through, like "go get your shoes for mommy" and when they get distracted, follow through and make sure they do it. Consistency is the key, since the second you stray, they will capitalize.

And helping them feel empowered in a positive way through small responsibilities will help them feel responsible and your praise will feed the good stuff in them. I think bottom line is, toddlers and pre-schoolers only want to have fun and when Mommy gets tired, cranky and impatient, things aren't so fun. Plan ahead, make a game out of even little things and enjoy even the littlest things with them. The more you're happy, the more they will be and they will seek out the good stuff to keep things happy.

Good luck!
~Liza

Hi K.,

First of all, we all have lost it. We all have said/done things we regret. Being mom to two little ones is alot of work.

I think the trick is to realize that we really can't have our old life anymore. Trying to live our lives in the way we were previously accustomed is impossible once we become moms. Especially if we have two or more toddlers at the same time.

First of all, children are born with their dispostion and they are going to have it all their lives. What works with one child may not necessarily work with another.

At 26 months your twins are really too young to truly reason with and they both still have significant physical needs. These are realities which can be very stressful to cope with day after day.

I know it is not ethical, but I think toddlers are alot like puppies. If you ask them to do something and they do not comply, then impose your will on them. Some things are simply not up for negotiation. I use the analogy of a freight train bearing down on them. When I tell my children to move! There won't be time to tell them why.

If your toddler is disobeying, tell him you are going to count to three and if they do not do, (whatever, stop standing in the shopping cart, undoing their seatbelt etc.) then they do not get the animal crackers etc. If he does not comply, tell him you will count to three and if he still does not comply return the animal crackers, etc. DO NOT GIVE IN! Likely a fit will ensue. Do not get into a shouting match with your toddler.

If they have a temper tantrum, remove them physically from public view without saying a word. If you have to, bring them to the car. If they continue to scream tell him once that you will wait outside the car until he stops because he is hurting your ears. If necessary, take his face in your hands so he can see and hear you when you do this. Then do as you said and wait until the tantrum is over. Then simply get into the car and go home. I don't believe rehashing the scenario is beneficial to anyone.

It will take several times with some children, but eventually he will realize that you are in control, not him. To this day if I begin to count, my girls scramble. I don't even know if they know why, it's as if they are conditioned to respond.

Children don't like being out of control. Temper tantrums are scary and embarassing for the toddler as well. By your staying in control and handling the situation, they feel safer.

Other children respond very well to empathy. "It looks like you are having a bad day!" will often open a conversation where a child can express their emotions better. Remember, many of these emotions are new to them so helping them label them is useful. This technique works best with older children who are more verbal.

I'm not saying that we shouldn't negotiate with our children, I just think 26 months is a little young, and ultimately, your home is not a democracy, you are the parent and your children should respect this. The earlier you establish this pecking order, the less likely you will run into problems in adolescence.

Of course, you will constantly have to change your approach as your children age to suit their level of development but essentially you must be in control. Discipline is love and hard work. Don't confuse respecting your children with a lack of discipline. Giving in is easy but you will be doing a disservice to your children who will be under the authority of someone else most of their lives.

As far as at home is concerned. I believe in divide and conquer. I will only deal with so many fights before I put my girls in separate rooms. Even if it's just for my own peace of mind.

Finally, a schedule is essential. Toddlers like to be able to predict their day. Having a routine will reduce the number of tantrums you will have to deal with. There is NO dealing with a hungry, tired, toddler.

Best Wishes,

J. L.

No you're never too late to make a positive change! I love Dr. Sears Discipline book for this.

Definitely NOT!!!! I am a clinician with 30 years of experience, a mother and a grandmother. In my new book, Self-Esteem For A Lifetime: Raising A Successful Child From The Inside Out (available at Amazon.com), I explain that self-esteem is a dynamic, ALWAYS CHANGING process. The great news is that as a parent you can use my book to learn how to listen, how to deal with conflict, and how to manage your anger and stress. This book will change your life (and your children's lives!). Self-esteem affects how your children achieve, how they learn, and all of the choices and decisions they will make in their lives. Trust me, you will gain the skills and confidence you need to be effective and ENJOY your home. Parents of children of ALL ages are using my book. I use it with my 2 adult daughters! Good luck. Free articles are available on my web site www.Self-EsteemForALifetime.com.

It's never too late. Kids bounce back. It might be a little harder for you because you have trained them to be negative, but the harder you work at it and the more time goes by, you "will" see results. Be consistent and "don't give up!". Don't look for perfection, just look at your "own" effort every day and be happy about that.
Good Luck!
S.
P.S. A big thing is that they feel needed. Involve them as much as you can in that area.

Don't despair - I truly don't think your children are permanently damaged! Remember that when most of us grew up, our parents yelled and spanked us and most of us have adusted just fine (I think :)! And keep in mind that even the experts only have limited data and that data can manipuated to support someone's theory. Every child/situation is unique. In a generation or two, new theories will be out and all of our children will be smirking at our techiniques.

That being said, I think that it's worth going the positive discipline as much as possible. It's great that you're going to give it a try and NO, it's definitely not too late to change tactics and no permanent damage has been done.

What works for me is a little of both positive and negative reinforcement (time out, consequences). Using positive reinforcement is a natural consequence of good behavior and will encourage more but our society definitely has negative consequences for bad behaviour/poor choices and that's important for them to learn as well.

So that being said, finish reading the book with an open mind - don't beat yourself up! Take what you can use but remember that the person who wrote this book is not infallible - it's just advice - and discard the rest. I would also recommend that you read 123 Magic. I also took a STEP Parenting class and it was really helpful and fun (you'll meet some other great moms and find you are definitely not alone and you'll feel so much better about yourself). And even armed with all that information, you may find that although in general you're the type of mother that you want to be, you may go through little periods where you slip and need to redirect yourself. (At least that's how it is for me.) But no matter what you do, I find that giving many spontaneous, passionate, "I love you!" hugs and kisses is really the best for my children and me. Good luck to you - you'll find the balance that's right for you and your children!

I need to be quick so I can't elablorate too much but I want to encourage you that it's not too late! Postive reinforcement, praise, and a change of attitude can work wonders.Not to say it will be easy, but the end result will be worth it. Don't be discouraged-it hurts to acknowledge the issue but better now than later. You can do it!

Take it easy on yourself. Moms yell. Kids drive us crazy. It's the hardest job there is, and there's never any real break because even if you're away from your kids you're still their mom. Far and away the most important thing is that your boys know you love them, will always love them, and think that they're the light of your life. If that's the case, yelling at them isn't causing any long term damage. Clearly you're a good mom because you're so worried about it, and I think it's great you want to make positive changes in your relationship with your kids. I think you have a good basis, and that things will only continue to go up.

we started with the naughty chair when my daughter was 2. and it's used when she's doing something really bad - standign on her chair, jumping on the couch etc.....

as for the positive reinforcement we started a chore chart with her about 1 month ago (she's 2.5 this month). we put all the task on it that we go through the day - morning is breakfast, diaperchange, gettign dressed. mid-day is lunch, diaper change, clean up toys, nap. evening is dinner, tub, brush teeth, brush hair, clean up toys, bed time. she gets a sticker for each of these things that she does with out a fight or chase to get it done. the first week if she did everythign for the day she got a cookie at the endof the day. now that she "gets it" she gets a bigger prize at the end of the week ( i have a box of things that i bought at the dollar store - little bracelets, playdough, bouncy balls etc) and saturday morning is when she gets the prize and we post up a new chart for the week. if she starts to fight on something, all i have to say is - do you want your sticker? and she straightens right out.

It's never too late, and 26 months is a great time to start. I've found the book "The Happiest Toddler on the Block" really helpful in addition to the other suggestions. There's a DVD version too, that you can see to get a basic idea of what the book is about. My library has the book and the DVD, so there's a good chance yours will as well.

Good luck!

Hi K.,

You've gotten some great responses for book ideas...while you are getting up to speed on those methods try giving the kids choices with the same outcome to accomplish what you need them to do - "do you want to hop into your shoes or slide into your shoes?" either way the shoes get on. This works for my 3 year old. If they don't repond quick enough (after say 3 times asking) tell them if they don't choose you will put them on for them.

bless you with 2 :-) I am sure you will get back to where you want to be after some reading and brainstorming of how to creatively work with them!

Have you tried 1,2,3 Magic? The book is easy to follow and fast to read.

It's never too late to change. We all lose our patience with toddlers especially (and I only have 1). I do agree that yelling at kids is damaging for their self esteem. I grew up with a yeller. It's no fun. But your kids aren't going to have emotional issues because you have been yelling at them from time to time so please don't beat yourself up. They ARE NOT DAMAGED. Really-give yourself a break, stop yelling and your son will get over it.

One of the problems with yelling is it really doesn't work. Sure I avoided doing stuff my dad would yell about but that was bc I feared him, not because I learned to do the right thing. Discipline should be about teaching, rather than just curbing behavior you don't want. Just think of how you feel if someone yells at you. Crummy.

And I find yelling at my toddler results in her digging in her heels. They absolutely pick up on our emotions and reflect them back so if we lose control, they amp it up too. It's counter productive and then everyone just feels bad.

I third the recommendation for the Harvey Karp book. Definitely helpful for understanding where they are coming from. Helped me not get as worked up about some things that are totally normal (and very annoying) phases.

I'd also like to recommend Playful Parenting. Rather than getting into a battle of wills often if you figure out what their need is, instead of punishing them, you can find a way to get their needs met in a playful manner. For ex, the kid that keeps jumping on the couch or climbing the table. Rather than putting him in time out recognize he has a reasonable need to jump and climb and show him how he can do that safely and appropriately.

Take what resonates with you from Positive Discipline (I haven't read that one), see what works for your kids and do the same with other books. Different things work with different kids. Good luck!

In my opinion your twins are too young for time outs. They won't understand what you are trying to teach them.
Positive discipline practices are great if you can stick with it. It's tough to think that way all the time. I used positive discipline exclusively while I was teaching preschool. There were times that it just didn't fit the bill. I think it's okay, and necessary for raising balanced children, if they see you frustrated now and then.
I do try not to yell, but again- sometimes it slips out!
At that young age I would recommend trying to avoid the problems that lead to needing discipline. If your children often fight over toys- make sure there are duplicates- or divide them while they play.
I have a hard time thinking of what a 26 month old would do that would require discipline that wasn't just age appropriate behaviors!
Kids at that age play rough and don't listen to instructions. It's just the way it is. You have to tell them things 80 times before they understand. That's normal and expected. You can't discipline them for being who they are.
I always use the strategy of prevention and distraction with children of that age.
I make sure they are well rested and well fed- this avoids most problems right there. Avoid stressful situations, like a grocery store trip right before nap time, or trying to push back bedtime to attend a party. Stick to a routine- it's easier for them to anticipate their days.
When things do fall apart- distract them with something else instead of putting them in time out or yelling at them. I figure it is snack time, book time, or time to go play outside. I just completely change the atmosphere. It stops the bad behaviors and avoids a situation that would require discipline that they are too young to understand anyway.
Good luck!
-S.