Please Tell Me I'm Not Alone? - Chicago,IL

Updated on April 18, 2012
A.W. asks from Batavia, IL
16 answers

I am still crazy in love with my husband of 11 years, however I am not still crazy attracted to him. We both let ourselves go physically. It happened gradually but although we both are still active and coaches, since wedding day i've gained 50lbs to his 80lbs. I just dont understand how he can look past it and still want to be intimiate all the time and I can't seem to. He always tells me I'm beautiful and sexy and it just makes me feel like a jerk. He is such a great guy and father and I do have moments where I feel that old feeling from dating but them as soon as we start to get intimate I get grossed out by both of our bodies and I can't continue or have to just get through. I do understand that this is probably more of my own self-image issues projecting on him but knowing that does not help.He does know how I feel and I know it is horrible and I feel like a horrible person. We will lose the weight but that is a process. Who can give me some tips on how to look past the physical. I love him more now than ever and I know this is just a phase of our marriage but it is so hard on both of us and you ladies know when there is no intimacy other little things become bigger fights. Anybody else feel these feeling? Thanks in advance

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answers from Cincinnati on

my hubby has gained a little weight over the years, but he was pretty skinny to begin with (he weighed less then me and I was a size 4!) I have gained weight with having kids (about 35 pds more then when he met me...but I did just have a baby 10 weeks ago) I can't have sex if I don't feel for me its not that I am not attracted to him, its that I am not attractive to myself.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

Since you both are coaches, this is probably preaching to the choir, but working out does it for us.

We have both gained weight over the 15 yrs and 2 kids we've shared. He gained 60 lbs in 6 months while he was laid off. We started working out together. We go to the Y together. I take classes while he lifts weights and then we end up on the bikes or treadmills next to each other. Sometimes I let him show me things on the weight machines and allow him to "train" me.

It's great foreplay. Very sexy sweating together and there are times when I catch a glimpse of him in the mirror and see those arms I used to love. His testosterone gets up and I feel more powerful and sexy when I've been to the gym. I focus on the small victories, like his arms being rock hard and him noticing my butt looking good.

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answers from Chicago on

You are definitely not alone. I have gained TONS of weight, and while my husband has always been big, he packed on more too. But more than just the weight, it's working all of the time, dealing with kids, making sure we have money in the bank, family stuff, trying to keep up with the house, it's everything!! Then you look in the mirror, and whammo.... I get it. My advice, start with the basics. Maybe get a nice haircut or if money is tight, splurge on some good shampoo and fancy body wash and take a nice long shower and do your hair all bedsexy. Slap some paint on the barn, breathe deep and just enjoy life. Think about "dirty" stuff if that's your thing. Maybe the both of you can take a really long walk or have a really good work out. You will have some energy, your blood will be circulating, and I don’t know about you, but after I work out, I feel like a size 2 in my mind. Hell whenever I just put gym shoes on I feel like a size 2. After the work out, take a shower together or something. It’s all about finding that one thing that makes you feel incredible even when you don’t think you “look” incredible.

More so than anything, you were right to be honest. It doesn't make you a horrible person that you feel like you both aren't in the best of health. I was with my husband when I had a dry spell. But to alleviate the physical pressure, I mentioned how I feel like I get out of breath, or am not as flexible anymore. Haha.

Another thing to consider: are you on any medications? Antidepressants or anti-anxiety? Those can affect your drive as well, and you may not even realize it.

Last but not least, have a sense of humor. It works. My husband and I laugh at ourselves so much because really at the end of the day, we are who we are, no matter what our weight.

Hope this helps you to get back up on that horse, hot momma!


8 moms found this helpful


answers from Oklahoma City on

I love Apes response, it is filled with a lot of love and truth.

My advice to add to Apes is one I heard someone preach on once. Who or what you are attracted to should be your spouse. If when you got married he was a thin dark haired man, you then liked thin dark haired men. Then, as he got older he was a chubby grey haired man, then your image of what 'perfect' is changes to a chubby grey haired man. My husband is a lot better at grasping this than I am. We will be at the pool and he will catch me staring at a skinny young thing in a bikini and he will say, "eh, she's too skinny". It's funny to me, I used to look like that!

If you can get your mind around changing what your image of perfect is, it really does help. After you guys have been working on your weight for a week, tell your husband how sexy he looks, even if you don't notice much weight loss. He will think of you as being sexier as well, and that will help with your self image.

I do believe it is just a phase, and I think you sound like you have a wonderful marriage, especially being so brave to come here for answers. Good luck!

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Seattle on

You sound seriously influenced by popular media with the big lie that only healthy, fit and trim people enjoy sex.

All this negativity and self doubt and inability to love yourself where your at is all in your head Mommy2. There is absolutely no physical reason that you 2 cannot get it on in the bedroom after a shower. There are many people who actually prefer larger partners.

You've done the first step right - admitting that you have these negative feelings. I recommend you both seek the guidance of a sex counselor. There are many. They'll get you past this in no time.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

I feel ya sista!!
Im fatter than I've ever been and I hate myself. My husband would drink my bath water he loves me so much, but I don't love myself! I don't want to get all freaky and I love to have sex with my husband! We have both gained weight (myself more of course!) But I love him so much I don't even really don't let the weight get to me. He would like a big production in the bedroom buy until im good with me, regular ol doing the deed will have to do :) I don't really have any good advice other than being honest with him. It would hurt me to hear, but I would want to know why. Best of luck love and your not alone!

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Appleton on

Remember sex burns a lot of calories.
We all get that way from time to time. I lost 30 lbs in '09 and felt pretty good about myself. Then I got a job as an on the road sales person and spent most of my day sitting and driving and then my evenings sitting in a motel room, often without an exercise room or pool. So a few lbs came back then my Mom went on a decline and we were housebound for 8 months until she passed in December. But I spent a lot of time sitting and put on more lbs. I hate the way I look and the way my body looks in the clothes that are my taste. I am working on losing it but at 57 it's hard to get the lbs off. And my hair is getting more grey day by day. UGH!!!! I'm single and dating but when I meet a man who says I'm beautiful I honestly think they either need better glasses or they are flat out lying.

I recommend that the two of you get into an exercise and diet routine that fits you both and work off the pounds and firm up the flab. You are still young enough that the weight will come off a lot easier. As you lose the weight and firm up remember that not only are you making yourselves healthier but you are also teaching your kids to eat healthy and to exercise. Your heart and lungs will be in better shape and you will be able to not only keep up with the kids better but when grandchildren come along you will be the cool grandparents that can play with them and chase them at the park.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Boston on

We are on the opposite page. I am the one who has gained weight and my husband is still the thin man I married. I find after being having five children, I have gained weight and I am older now. I am on the side of rejection from my husband. I have to tell you it feels horrible knowing that because of the way I look he will not come near me. He is also older with a balding head and lots more wrinkles than I have. I still want him. I have joined a gym, I do my hair and make up and dress good.....but he has no interest in me. I have only gained 40 pounds and have lost 14 so far. I to say if he started to notice it would make a huge difference in the way I feel, a complement goes a long way! I would feel like what I am doing is worth it in the end. So encourage your husband and tell him nice things you love about him. Make him feel good. Work out with him and it quality time that will bring back the romance. Good luck!

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Houston on

Let's put it into perspective...what if he was in an accident and came home with his face was burned off or he lost an arm? What would you do or tell yourself to accept those permanent physical changes? Appreciate him and his heart for who he is now. He may never lose the weight! Love the man who holds your hand, no matter if it is a skinny hand or overweight least he has a hand to hold yours.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Rockford on

I hear ya! The thing that my hubby shared when we met, was our love for food. I was heavy when we met & he had maybe only 10 lbs. to lose. He always loved me no matter what my weight was. Flash forward 7 years..... I have lost 60 lbs. thanks to Weight Watchers Online & running 3 x a week. My hubby is about 30 lbs. overweight. It's very different now, I do look at him differently, and I hate that I do. :( My hubby is a very 'scientific' kinda guy. Facts make a difference to him. So.... I had a physical 1 year ago & then recently. My cholesterol went down 19 points!! ALL of my vitals are soooo much better! Showing my hubby this, he decided that the facts spoke for themselves & it was time to get healthy too, as my daughter & I eat healthy. With that said, I would encourage you & your hubby to start a healthier way of eating & exercising together. Not only will you both look better, but you'll have amazing energy together! Good luck to you both!!!

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Philadelphia on

hmmmmm... for yourself; Why not dress yourself up in some lingerie that covers parts you don't like. Before my surgery on my leg I had varicose veins that I hated and felt like a monster for, but I'd put on thigh highs and rock them. Why not cover the issues you have the most trouble with in yourself while going through the process of learing to love yourself for who you are and getting healthier. As for him, I'm sure it's mostly your issues you have trouble with.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

Here's my 2 cents. Your lack of attraction stems more from your own insecurities about your body than it does from your husband's physical appearance. Sex is all mental. And by that I mean YOU have to feel sexy to want sex. Physical attraction to someone is important, but you are already in love with your husband. Trust me, if you are feeling good about you, then you will want to be all over him no matter what he looks like! This is probably why he still makes advances towards you despite his own weight gain, he does not have the same insecurities about his appearance that you do about yours.

The good news is that it doesn't take much to get yourself back in the swing of things! All you need to do is start down the path of self-improvement and you'll feel better pretty quickly. You know that weight loss takes time, as you said it is a process, but once you start doing something about it you begin to feel better about yourself almost immediately. Take an exercise class once a week for starters. Cut out sugars. Do something small to get you going and believe me, you'll start to feel better - and sexier - right away. A part of feeling sexy lies in self-esteem. And self-esteem can come just from knowing that you're being healthier. It isn't just about the end result, it's also about the journey. Take the first step and it won't be long before you're back in your hubby's arms : )



answers from Chicago on

perhaps you should force the issue - make a challenge with him that for one month, every day you will both lie naked with eachother for one minute the first day, two minutes the second day, three minutes the third, etc. holding eachother in an embrace naked as you talk about your day like you normally do. Remember you fell in love with what is INSIDE not how the person looked. This will help reconnect the inside desires.



answers from San Francisco on

I'm sort of in the same boat. Here's what I do... when it's time for romance turn the lights off or really dim and just fantasize that you're with someone super hot and hunky. Right now for me it's the super hot Latin guy on Dancing With The Stars. Hubby still turns me on but sometimes I need a little help getting things going.



answers from Chicago on

Dear, dear Mommy2. You are so not alone. I am 61 years old and have struggled with my self image for all these years and it affected my love life. Recently, I am learning to affirm myself. I wrote a little note that I read whenever I am down about my weight. What I try to remember most is that I am so much more than what I look like. My husband loves me dearly, my family loves me for the qualities of kindness and compassion I have. Don't you admire that in others as well-no matter what they look like? Concentrate on letting your husband express his love for you and respond wiht love towards who he is. You will find, as I have, that love making is highly delightful.



answers from Chicago on

I think that is horrible that you think that way. You should love everything about your husband. In fact, he doesn't tell you that you look horrible. I think it's shallow. If you don't like how you both look....start dieting and live a healthier life.

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