Please Help Very Very Nervous

Updated on December 22, 2012
M.J. asks from Yonkers, NY
22 answers

sold my house and closing is end of january- not sure where to go wife and i thought we were going to relocate to north carolina and went douwn 2 weeks ago to look/buy but it didnt work out for us- 1 place sales lady lied about the parking and the other place we found out there was a nuculear reactor a couple miles away, now we r thinking florida cause my wife's family is there and we have a couple friends in the area my thinking is it would b an easier transition to go where u know some people, my problem is i am nervous as i have 3 chrildren - all adults 22 and 24 and 28 all coming with us and they are not happy about florida i am afriad that if they all move out of state and back to ny then wife and i would probably want to follow ANY SUGGESTIONS

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So What Happened?

went to look at apartments today around my town and was very disappointed as i looked at homes/townhomes and not only were they dirty but also very expensive - more then what i am paying on my mortgage on my house and getting half the space- no yard very depressed and all i seem to do is 2nd guess this whole situation, been not able to sleep and very sad- instaed of north carolina thinking about florida because of family - wifes that is but not so sure as fla is expensive- the car and home ins - anyway all resonses are very much appreciated

More Answers


answers from Columbia on

Why are your adult children coming with you? Don't they have homes, families, jobs where they are???

Are you independently wealthy and supporting all of them?

Your kids need to live where there are jobs for them. And if you aren't retired, you need to do the same.

13 moms found this helpful


answers from Boston on

Hi Mike - take a deep breath. Then another. And another.

Now if I were you, I would plan on renting a place in the area you are in now until you have a more concrete plan. If there are things that won't fit in a rental property, put them in storage. There is no need to panic just because of the sale of the house.

Because you are in your 50's you should be considering retirement and aging while planning your next move. Quite a few folks from the Northeast (including several members of my family) moved to NC for a good job market, milder weather and better cost of living and are quite happy there. My in-laws have been living in Atlanta for most of the year for several years due to my MIL's job and the absolutely LOVE IT there. They also own a home in Cape Cod, MA and a condo in FL and ATL is there favorite place by far.

If you buy a house, you don't want to take on something that will require a ton of maintenance for years and years. My parents moved to a retirement community when they were in their early 60's and the absolutely love not having to shovel snow, mow the lawn, and their house is one floor so they don't have to worry about stairs, which is great for when their older relatives visit and will be helpful to them 10 or 20 years from now. So when you do buy later, you may want to look at places with a home owners association that takes care of the lawn, etc. as well as something that's one floor or has a space on the first floor that could be used as a bedroom and has a full bath.

Of course, the first priority in deciding where to live will be whether or not you can find work, so search for jobs first from where you are, look at real estate in various possible job locations and then when you get a job offer, you can figure out whether or not whatever they're offering for salary will support you.

This is an appropriate time for your children to decide what they want to do with their lives and where they want to live. If it works out that they move with you, then great - it's always nice to have family around! But don't let that be a deal breaker. They need to be living their own lives and makng their own decisions at their ages. You need to think of your own financial security first - that means getting a job in a place where you can live into retirement (unless you want to be doing this all again in 10-15 years). I would then rent for a while wherever you get work. Get to know the area and be sure the job works out before buying a house. If your children are interested in moving to where you are, they can look for jobs and apartments as well.

It must be overwhelming to have everything change in a few months like it has for you. Just take it one step at a time and things will work out. I would start looking for a local rental property that you can plan on moving to at the end of January - enjoy your holidays this year in your home! Make some great memories, then pack up and prepare for the next phase of your life!

9 moms found this helpful


answers from Portland on

Sounds very strange. Your adult children are moving with you? Do they live with you? I suggest that you need to do what is best for you and your wife. It's time for the children to start their own lives. It is not healthy for them to be so dependent on you or their mother.

Are you retired? Do you not need to work? I'd find a job first if you're going to have to work. Rent where you are and do some more research. Apply for work in several areas and then move to where you have a job.

Of course you're very nervous. Sounds like you haven't done the necessary work to find where you want to move.

8 moms found this helpful


answers from Boca Raton on

Unless there are some unique circumstances with your adult kids I would feel that it's time for my spouse and I to focus on each other and move where we feel would be best for us!

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

you won't get unemployment.

Your first question said you lost your job. All that unemployment money you've been paying is in NY. No other state will pay you unemployment, and NY won't pay once you move out of state.

Make sure you consider that in your calculations.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

The whole post sounds as if you are operating in an unplanned panic mode -- no one should assume they'll move somewhere without any knowledge of the area, the housing market, etc. It sounds like you went to NC and threw out that idea after what seem to be very trivial issues that could be easily fixed, so you were never that committed to the idea in the first place. Please stop right now and just evaluate because it sounds like you have no plan and no idea what to do next. Rushing to Florida solves nothing.

I suggest it's time for your adult children, all of them, to bid you farewell and find their own homes in whatever areas they want or wherever they find work.

Unless they have some kind of issues or medical problems etc. that mean they MUST live with you -- why are you moving adults these ages along with you and your wife?

Mike, I would be very, very skeptical that the job market anywhere could accommodate as many as five of you all seeking jobs at the same time, with nowhere to live. I would fear you could all five end up in a shelter. If you are retiring after your job loss and not seeking work, why are your children going to live with you?

Please go immediately to your bank and ask to see a financial counselor -- banks usually provide these services for free to customers. You need professional help arranging finances so you have something to live on. Meanwhile, do your children work? What do they contribute to the household finances?

As long as you all feel you must live together, you are going to have huge difficulties finding a place where all of you can live and work. If there are reasons why the arrangement HAS to be that way (disabled adult child, etc.) that's different. If that is the case, you truly need both financial counseling and a lot of advice and help from social services agencies who assist families with disabled adults in them. Going to those agencies would be a better use of time than running around the country looking at houses.

If that is not the case, it is past time that your children moved out. Having to move them along with you creates tremendous pressure. I am just not clear on why children these ages must move with you. Think about this, too: If you move to Florida, and you already know they dont' want to be there, you will be living in Florida with people who resent being there and resent you for taking them there. They won't be around very long anyway under those circumstances.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from San Antonio on

You lost your job, I understand that. However, instead of trying to find another job in the area, or in the area to which you are moving, you sold your house? I don't understand that.

And now your adult daughters are all moving with you? By the time I was 22 I was a married mother of one in the process of divorcing. I hadn't lived with my parents in four years. Your daughters need to grow up and move out. In addition, if your daughters move back to New York, then y'all need to stay where you are. Y'all sound like you're too dependent on each other.

So here's my suggestion: Find a job. Anywhere. It doesn't matter. There are a few states that are always looking for people to work and unemployment is really low. Either way, get a job first, then worry about a house. Rent if you have to.

Good luck!

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Hartford on

Your adult children can find their own homes. This is the perfect opportunity. Choose a state and a home based on where YOU and your wife would enjoy living, can afford to live, and could find jobs relatively quickly in your field. If your children ever want to visit, they can rent a hotel room down the street.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Appleton on

Do you have a job set-up? That would be a major point in deciding. Find a job then plan the move.
When you first move get a rental and when you know the area better start looking for a house to buy.

Hint: Check out North Dakota. Last time I looked they had a 3.2% unemployment rate and are begging people to come there to work. Weather sucks --- can get very cold and lots of snow.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Oklahoma City on

Okay, I have a doc friend who came to my town years ago because he researched the area and we didn't have a Urologist in nearly 100 miles of his caliber. He moved here and opened up and thrived. Literally standing room only patients.

His FIL and MIL moved with them, his SIL and her family followed in a couple of months. They all worked or were retired and are still living in this area.

My cousin in law does car dealerships. When he was in OKC my dad's sister, the guys MIL, moved along with them, her other daughter did too. Then when he went to Tulsa to open his own the whole bunch of them packed up and moved to Jenks. They still live there and his business is thriving.

SO I do know that when you move and it is a beneficial move sometimes the whole family will go along. They are ready for a change too.

This is NOT uncommon.

IF your adult children are moving with you why not try and all go to a couple of different cities or towns and stay a couple of days to do some job hunting. The one who gets the best job offers where all can find some sort of work could have the first choice as to where you move.

Having family nearby is nice BUT it may not be the right choice if there are thousands and thousands of people moving there to get out of the cold winter and looking to live in sunny Florida. I think it is the state with the most people moving TOO it. California used to be in the running but people are getting more leery about earthquakes. At least you can see a hurricane coming at you and if there is a Tsunami they usually know in advance and give some sort of warning.

So look for jobs, see where everyone has the best options to find the ones paying enough to support the workers.

If the older ones don't want to come then perhaps it's time to decide where you go from here as a family. Together or autonomous.

Also would like to say Great Job managing to sell your house!!! That is so smart! You could have hung on to it doing everything you could to stay in it without an income like so many people do only for it to go into foreclosure for non payments. So good job getting it sold and being responsible about that.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

What's wrong with renting? You don't buy a house when you don't even have a stable job.

It's nice that you're close to your kids, but you all have to create your own lives. You can't all be tethered to each other forever. It just won't happen. One way or another, your kids will probably be split up when they each get married, have kids, etc., so you can't build your life around where they are living.

Step 1 - Find a job, in a state where you think you would like to live and remain.

Step 2 - Find a rental.

Step 3 - Get a life, outside of kids.

Step 4 - Kids decide what they want to do.

Step 5 - Get on an airplane and visit kids.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from St. Louis on

Find a job, move there.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from New York on

First breathe. Pray - ask for wisdom and discernment. JB's post here is good. Get a short term rental for now so you don't feel pressured to make a decision for the long term that is based on a short term emotional situation.

Yes, you have children who are being impacted - but they are young adults and will be leaving you within the next few years anyway. Do not make decisions based on what they want - since they will be making their own life decisions in the next few years that will only remotely be connected to you.

I used to be a retirement counselor and one of the things we advised is that before you buy a house in another part of the country that you should rent in that area. See how you like it, see how you like access to arts & cultural events, houses or worship, activities, shopping, how far it is from your kids, etc.

I know many, many retirees who bought in far off areas based on their life and health at age 65. But by they arrived in their mid-70s with health problems they wished they were back in the "old neighborhood". My uncle & aunt just moved back to my area after buildling their dream home in western PA 10 years ago. But 10 years ago they didn't have grandchildren and they were healthy. They traveled quite a lot and western PA was a good launching point for their domestic travels. About 6 months ago they sold their house, and have moved back to the area they had lived all their life and they now can see their grandkids games, school concerts, etc. When they have medical issues their grown kids are a half hour away - not a half day away.

Now that your house is sold you have the opportunity to do other things, see where you want to live. Rent a storage unit and pack up the stuff you want to keep. Give away the stuff you don't and rent somewhere. Maybe rent in FL for a few months, NC for a few months, see what you like. See where you can find a job. Owning a home is great for stabiltiy of raising a family. Once the family is raised it may or may not be the best option for you.

Once you step back from your panic you'll make a better decision about the coming season of your life. And seek God's wisdom. I truly believe He cares about the details of our lives.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Pittsburgh on

Hi Mike,
Sorry about the job loss.
Get online and look for jobs in your field.

I don't understand how you can eliminate an entire state because of 2 housing issues. How odd you pick NC? Was there work there for you?
I wouldn't worry about your older kids, if thru decide to move back, they can. Then you'll have family in NY! :)

Would FL be a good location for you work-wise? I'd pick a location based on job opportunity!

Good luck!

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

Rent for now. Don't buy a house unless you want to settle down in that place. Talk to the kids and ask what their plans are for the future. Florida is great for people with grown up kids. You will find lot of friends there I guess who are in the same stage of life as you are. And the weather will be great compared to NY! Even if your kids want to move back to NY at a later point of time, it shouldn't be a big deal.They are all so grown up and they will be having their own lives , jobs, families very soon. You need to accept that they can't be with you forever. They will still be on the east coast. So not very far away.And you have some family and friends already in that area. So my suggestion is relocate to florida, but rent for now until you feel that's where you want to settle down for good. But do take the job market into consideration (you haven't mentioned if you are looking for job or what you do for a living)

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Beaumont on

I would rent for now. We are doing the same thing. It will be easier to figure out what you want to do without all the pressure. It will all be okay, just slow down and give yourself time to evaluate. Merry Christmas!

I see that you've checked out apts. in your area. Why don't you go to your desired state/area and look there. You'll have a much better idea of where you want to actually buy.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

Cut the apron strings.

I watched Selling New York last night. This poor realtor had shown this family in excess of 90 apartments. They were having trouble finding one that their five year old approved of!

I say you and your wife do what you want and the adult children either come or don't. It's time for you and your wife to experience the "empty nest." Hard to get used to at first, BUT well worth it once you are used to it. It's AWESOME!

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

Mike it sounds like you just got tossed way too much in a short amount of time. And it is especially hard at Christmas. You lost your job and your home is not going to be available to you. So pretty much all that you felt familiar with is out of reach. But and this is a big wonderful but, you have family and at those older ages that is amazing how they stick together with you. One of my sons' is totally so far away I either have to take a plane or a drive for a day and a half I think. It depressed me when he left but he is alive and well and living his life. AndI think you have the added Holiday blues which doesn't help.
Mike life isn't etched in stone and fortunately you do have relatives in Florida. So you know you have a base. You can temporarily bounce around like one of the other writers said, perhaps try a few things with your children. I am hoping with your job loss you got a severence or other kinds of assistance.
I'm not sure why the nuclear reactor will bother you, my son actually did that in the service and he appears fine and perhaps there are jobs there.
I think it's currently just an extremely depressing time for you mostly because we have all this pressure to have great fun around the holidays, spend lots of money, look great, have wonderful housing etc.etc. There are rentals all over, try a few of them. I have watched my son hop about for a couple of years now and maybe if you can see this, it is kind of gift of freedom lot of us don't have. You are not totally homeless but seem to fear that will happen. You do have some time and even closings aren't etched in stone, sometimes you can rent your home for a little bit should another place be out of reach.
You don't have to be happy twenty four hours a day. Take some time to really feel that depression and then start celebrating each day as it comes. You are way ahead of yourself with some of this. Get involved with a church nearby -they are filled with wonderful people, got speak to public assistance if just to get a handle on what jobs could be out there and remember life is ever changing.
And I want to say this: if all these children are joining you they are all adults and perhaps can start to contribute. It sounds like you raised them right and they can help.
Got your back in prayers and wishing you luck. Keep writing

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Boston on

Your kids are all adults, so they shouldn't be moving if they aren't happy about it. You should not work your decision around them at this point in their lives as hopefully to have raised them to be independent and self-sufficient. It sounds like you want them to go with you, unless they don't want to, in which case you will go with them? So nobody's sure at the moment. I would get a short-term apartment rental in NY (maybe 3 months with an option to renew for another 3), which is familiar to you, while you really look for a great job and really research an area to decide about a permanent move. And figure out what you're looking for. A job? A retirement community for down the road? An investment property? Are you looking to start over with a new life and a new group of friends? Are you just trying to get someplace warm and get the most bang for the bucks of your house sale? You can put a lot of your stuff in storage if you want - it's not that expensive if a rental is cheaper than your mortgage.

If you aren't sure what you're doing, think about working with a life coach. You can find a lot of good people through BNI and other networking groups. A life coach can really help you refine your goals, strengths, desires etc. and help you weigh your decisions. Then you can figure out if this is a move for 2 people, for 5, or something in between. And decide if your kids are chipping in for their support or if you and your wife are footing the bill. If you buy a house for 5 and then 2 or 3 of them leave, you're stuck with another house to support.

Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Raleigh on

Your reactor comment makes me think that you are looking in the Raleigh metro area? Rentals are hot here, and very affordable. It will give you more time to look.



answers from New York on


1st you and your wife need to decide what YOU TWO are thinking and start with a possible game plan.

THEN talk to your ADULT children. I sure hope you are not "footing the bill" and letting ADULTS rule your wife and you life. They need to know that hey this is what we are thinking and we would like your input BUT only as input to help you work out your own concerns NOT to make the decision for you. If they are not happy about FL they are adults they have a mind (and hopefully jobs) of their own and can make their own decisions as should you. Cut the imbilical cord and do what is right for you and your wife and let your adult children grow up and be adults!!!!!!



answers from Miami on

Jobs are tight in Florida right now. If Job is not an issue I would ask is Monroe rural or suburb. West Coast St. Pete is a nice place to visit so is bradenton. But I'm from Long Island and while I enjoy visiting I prefer more of a city like Ft. Lauderdale and now I see a lot more going to Jupiter /Hobe Sound area.

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