Please Help Me with My Husband

It sounds like a sleep problem, not a respect or sex problem. It's related to the same sorts of things that make people walk, talk, and sometimes even cook and eat in their sleep. I would strongly suggest he make an appointment to see his doctor, and tell his doctor what is happening. They might examine him at a sleep clinic for a few nights, to see what's going on.

How about 'soothing the savage beast' before you fall asleep? I find that the longer my DH and I go w/o a little lovin' the more 'savage' he becomes.

GL to you.

Not to make light of your situation, but is this sexsomnia catching? If it is, I'd like to arrange a play date so my husband can catch it. After 26 years, I'd love my husband to wake up at all!

Apu

A.,

Your instinct is correct this behavior is not acceptable. If your husband is not getting the message than try giving him a glimpse of the big picture. Have the conversation that gives him the long term option of not wanting him at all ever. I got married later in life after many long term partners. Never ever would I want someone I love to refer to our sexual life as x!@# ing. I would never respond well to rough sex either so keep listening to yourself and follow that as your guide. The act of having sex is typically more emotional for more women than men. Most men want it twice as much while mothers of children want a deeper connection during love making. If he would go to counseling I would take the 8 or so sessions that are free with most health care providers. Call the 800 number on your card. Tell the person on the line you want to talk to someone about finding a counselor. In the state of Massachusetts you just have to talk to your insurance first and get approval. I have a few friends that have been coached through tough things like this with the help of a counselor. It sounds like you want to change the way he goes about having and asking for sex. Better do something now then later in your relationship. It will be so much harder to get him to adapt to your needs as years go by.

HI A.,

Hmmmm - well my husband never did it all the time, but he used to every so often. I LOVED IT! It made me feel like he wanted me & wanted me right then & there. It was fun & hot & sexy & so spontaneous. And if he's saying "I want to f#&% you" well that 'bad word' isn't really used in a romantic way either - he's sounding like he desires you, craves you ... etc. Maybe its just your interpretation of it that's making it a problem.

However, if you've told him multiple times that you don't like it at all then he SHOULD respect your wishes & stop doing it. Atleast save it for a once in a very great while thing - hey he's gotta get his way too ya know! a relationship is all about give & take! - as long as he's not hurting you in any way shape or form & you're enjoying yourself - then it's ok. He's a guy, it's not all "ooohhh make love to me my beautiful princess.... " If I ever heard my husband say something like that to me I think Id vomit!

Maybe you should try marriage counseling. You guys are only a little way into the marriage game. As well as my husband & I . It'll be 5 yrs married for us come March. We've had our problems too - this past year has most certainly been the most difficult, but i'm pretty sure we'll get through it. We still love each other, but the whole sexual drive isn't there right now with our heads so full of everything going on. To be honest I never thought it would be this way this short into the marriage, but again - that's life! (I mean we still do it but it's not the same at all & certainly not as often by any means ... very different - but I think we both know the reason behind it & we're working together to fix it).

The point is -
#1 he needs to respect you, but at the same time you need to find a common ground with him. A neutral, mutual place where you both agree.

#2 be careful - don't let him hurt you in any way (mentally, emotionally, physically, etc) & don't hurt him either - you're husb & wife.

#3 be smart - ok if this is genuinely him just wanting you like crazy (which isn't really a bad thing) then you've gotta give every once in a while or he may run off & find someone who WILL give it to him as often as he wants. (I strongly believe in this part - I know noone wants to think about it - but I've witnessed it with TWO of mine & my husband's friends since we've been together and it's really REALLY sad). TRY THE COUNSELING!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#4 TRY TRY TRY to talk it out when the kids are asleep or out of the house. If you can't atleast agree to TRY counseling, then you need to come up with a list of questions yourself & ask him - find out for yourself - tell him again how you feel & let him know that this 'issue' is making you feel funny & that you really wish he would respect you & stop. ALSO that if he wants to try 'new techniques" in the bedroom, that you guys can brainstorm some ideas together & try them! You come up with ideas too. Maybe a change of pace will change things for the both of you.

I hope I've helped a little bit. I know it can be hard to talk about things like this. But it certainly helps when you've got opinions & advice to weigh & really think about before you make any harsh decisions.

Again this is just my opinion & advice. You can take it or throw it away. You do what works for you. I'm just giving you a view through a window I've watched into. I wish you the best of luck & God Bless.

C.

My suggestion would be to work with him on intimacy more when you are both fully awake and help him to realize how you can each show love and respect to each other in your intimacy (and a big part of the respect being that he tries harder to refrain from his vulgar night time requests). By working on it more when you are awake you may be able to find ways for him to avoid the behavior that you are finding so troubling. Also consider going to the Dr for a sleep study on him. Perhaps it is part of a sleep disorder, especially if he doesn't realize he is doing it until its "too late".

Hope the situation improves!

I feel like that only thing I can do is tell you it could be worse. My DH and I havne't had sex in...I know it's been over 4 months only because that is when I decided to "start" counting. We have never had a god sex life, not our wedding night, not on our honeymoon, not ever. I came home the loneliest and regected new bride. I've had relations before, he hasn't and now after 5 years I know it's to do with his depression and he fels second best because of my sons father who died. So the only advice I can give it talk it through which it sounds as though you already did and try to think in a different frame of mind during these times.
I know I don't have a magic answer but there isn't one. The one thing I lean on is I know he's not going to someone else through our issues.
I hope this does help in some way.

Hi,
My advice is that you should discuss the situation further with him. It doesn't sound as if he's really trying to respect your needs if he keeps doing it and you've talked to him. Find out why he uses this method to get your attention. It almost sounds like a form of control. Is he controlling in other aspects of the marriage? Maybe you should seek marriage counseling.

I couldn't tell you the exact name of this, but it is an actual condition.
sleep apnia comes to mind, again I'm not sure.
You should definately look into it though.

I haven't experienced this first hand but I have a close friend that went through a similar situation. It is a clinical sleeping disorder that may be treated. Talk to your doc. It was an aweful thing for my friend to go through and reaked havoc on her relationship with her husband (who is normally a very wonderful man). Good luck!

Our sex life wasn't great either during the "exhausted years" when the kids were so little and demanded so much of my time (it does get better when the kids get older!). At the end of the day, I valued sleep more than anything, including intimacy with my husband. Fortunately, he's not a quitter and knowing his physical needs are as important as my emotional ones, he proposed that since I really love a good massage, once a week he'd give me a full-body massage and once a week I'd give him one. That made us commit to at least two hours per week where it'd just be the two of us for some together time. And he knew darned well that if he got me relaxed that we'd have sex! It was a win-win solution. Granted, there were kinks along the way, the kids coming to seek us out, scheduling conflicts to work around, etc. but we committed to the time together and it's worked out well. We started doing the massages in the evenings during the week after the kids were in bed, shifted them to weekends, shifted them to mornings as needed, but we've stuck with it and it's been great. I bought him a massage table for Father's Day a couple of years ago, best investment we've made in our marriage! It folds up and goes under the bed when not in use.

Maybe you and your husband can figure out something like this that will bring you back together intimately; perhaps the rude awakenings will stop. My husband snores (even after somnoplasty and a uvula reduction!) so we usually don't sleep in the same room, and these pre-arranged massage dates keep us connected when there's little opportunity for spontanaeity. Good luck!

Men are so very different from women. I don't know your husband's background, but it's not uncommon for men to be crude, especially when they are not fully awake and in 'edit' mode. You don't say whether your husband is loving and gentle in his waking hours or if his 'rough' and crude demands in the middle of the night are followed (if allowed) by rough sex and hurting you. Certainly do not give in to being abused in any way, but be aware that your husband's needs have to be considered. Perhaps if you schedule romantic hot sex nights with him it would help. Don't fall into the rut of losing sexual intimacy. Talk to your husband and ask him how many times per week he would like to have sex. Be creative and romantic and let him know what your expectaions are too. Sex, especially in marriage, can be a transcending experience. GEt a baby sitter and spend some date time. As a mother of three boys, I found that scheduling date time twice/week was invaluable. Many marriages fall apart because of sexual incompatibility. If you love him and want a future together seek counseling. Good luck. I'll be sending light and prayer your way.

This could be legitimately something that he is not aware of. My brother's former fiance (she is dead now) used to say that he would do things like that to her, and grope her as well, at random times during the night. She said that he was always half asleep and never remembered in the morning. Luckily, they were able to laugh about it, and it became something that she would tease him about.

My suggestion, since it is clearly upsetting you, is hypnotherapy. Perhaps that will help him if it is indeed that he is unaware of his actions.

Good luck!

my husband does this too... in the morning we jokingly call it the "gimme monster". sometimes he has full out sexual conversations with me while he is half (i would guess more then half) asleep. with my husband it usually happens when he wakes slightly from a sexual dream. i think it's perfectly natural and if you believe he is really trying to sleep sex you then you cant take it personally. a lot of your feelings around the mid-night episodes have to do with your feelings about the rest of your sex life. i'd offer that if you were sexually happy and satisfied, then this wouldn't bother you as much. just my $0.02... good luck!

Hi A.,
I am a Pure Romance consultant and we learn a lot about sexual health and responses (as well as the toys etc.). I am not a doctor or therapist. Could be a sleep disorder, since he's waking and still 1/2 asleep as intimacy proceeds.
We do have some literature he might want to read. As most of us know, men are like microwaves and we're like crock pots. We need that long slow simmer. A little kindness, hugging, and conversation during the day goes a long way too. We have products to slow him down but keep him stimulated. We also have products to speed you up, called 'heighteners' or 'enhancers'.... lovely little dab will do ya.
If you want to check out some of our product line, go to: www.lenorebavota.pureromance.com or to www.hotsextoylady.com. If something interests you let me know. You can always hostess a party for free product, but that's not why I responded. I really do believe our products can help you. But, I would also ask your husband to look into whether he has a sleep disorder or not too. Let me know how it goes.
With Regards,
L. Bavota
____@____.com

Hi A., sounds like he is dreaming of sex and then wakes you up, etc. The fact that you say your bedroom life isn't that good right now is an indication that maybe something is wrong. He is probably feeling neglected in that area. This is usually the first area of a relationship to suffer. I think he is probably telling you the truth and is 1/2 asleep but you may want to discuss after dinner some night when the kids are in bed. There is a reason things are not very good right now in that area so you may want to discuss and address and see how you can move forward. You may even need professional counseling. Good luck!!

I think it is great that you are reaching out to other women - I don't think you should apologize at all. That's what this site is for! I agree with some of the other posts that more satisfying sexual experiences at sensible hours might help, but that's a complicated issue. Are you exhausted at night and you aren't in the mood? Can he take on a bigger share of the work with the kids so you aren't so exhausted? Talking, having a date night, etc., all help as long as you are feeling warmly toward him.

If he's controlling or uncomfortably forceful in other ways, counseling is a great idea. If it's only at night with him half asleep, then that's something else. However, if your bedroom life was not what you want it to be before these nighttime problems occurred, counseling would be great for that. It really helps with the communication, and it's not about putting blame on one person.

Also, urological (including prostate) issues can give a man an erection at night, and then he wakes up wanting sex. He could also be having erotic dreams. If he's really half asleep, then you can't get mad at him, although you are incredibly frustrated. A good medical evaluation would be essential, I would think.

I would also have him talk to his doctor - even go with him for the consultation part of the visit. Sleep disturbances can be measured in a painless, one-night sleep study - I've done it.

Good luck - don't give up!

Hi A., my husband does something very similar (and yes I know - I don't give it up enough)..but not the issue. So, it used to irritate the heck out of me. I have realized now that he is asleep when he does this and half the time when I comment in the morning, he has no memory of the event. SO - I have stopped feeling bad about pushing him away (if he doesn't know he's doing it anyway) and I started to laugh it off more. the latter being the most important. I hope this can help you some. And when i can, try to be the instigator. basically, we have very different libidos, tough for him. good luck

It sounds like he has sexsomnia. It's like sleep walking. Very involuntary, and not indicative of anything about the person. I think one woman here mentioned reducing skin to skin contact. I think it's up to the individual. You wouldnt hold a person responsible for sleep walking; it's the same for this involuntary response. As to the words, men use different language than women, they're very different around their male friends. And it's wonderful that he's such a gentleman around you when he's awake.

On the other hand, it also sounds like the two of you could use some couples sex therapy. It's wonderful stuff and it gets you intimate in ways that are comfortable for both of you. Remember that like you he's got needs surrounding intimacy that for him probably need to be expressed differently. You have to meet each other halfway. That's what marriage is about: being supportive and negotiating the needs of both of you.

Hi A.,
I can imagine how irritating it is for your husband to tell you this when you're sleeping, if you don't like it that is! It sounds like something to talk about when you're awake, not half asleep. Try to get to the bottom of why you don't like it and maybe why you're bedroom life isn't going well right now (I guess there are phases of good and bad). If you need help don't hesitate to consult a counselor, and don't be embarrassed by it. They've heard things like this a million times before. You also should't feel embarrassed to ask other women about it. It's not that strange a phenomenon, as you're seeing!

Is it possible to speak with a professional about it? It might be a deeper issue that can be resolved? But if he's truly asleep then it seems to be out of his hands.... but I understand your reaction.

It is not strange- it is called sexsomnia, and there are a lot of couples who experience it in some form or another. My husband used to have periods of time where he would be very, um, soliciting in his sleep also. We found it got better during those times if there was no skin-skin contact while sleeping- boxers and me in night shirts/shorts. Just know that it is not his fault- and he is probably not at all aware of the things he may say during that state- not always the most romantic things, I know.

Dear A.,
that sounds so distressing! I don't have any experience with it, but am giong to throw out a few suggestions that i might try if it did happen to me. If he claims to be half asleep, perhaps you could wake him fully, tell him what he's said/done and give him the chance to apologize then? Or if there is another bed available in the house, maybe you could either state that if he can't let you go back to sleep, one of you will have to go sleep in it. Maybe if you discuss whatever plan you decide on when he is fully awake in times are quiet, then he won't be surprised when it happens.
good luck! (maybe you need a marriage counselor?)
A little about me:
Wife of 23+ years and mom to 2 teen girls. Owner of paint-your-own pottery studio, watercolor gallery and instructor for art for children and adults in Mansfield.Part time PTA.

I think your husband is looking for fanatasies and that's normal... better to have them than seek sexual attention somewhere else. Try lighting candles, make a romantic dinner, take a shower together...... make love after you put the kids to bed, so it's not in the middle of the night when he asks for it. Speak to him (teach him about what you would like to have done to you by showing him......physically, not just talking about it.
Hope this helps.....

I am thinking that he is looking for a good time, sort of "back to the old days", passion and all that before the kids. Since no one really knows what your sexual relationship is like, it could be difficult to advise you. However, it is odd that he is not working with you at all to try a different phrase or trigger to let you know he wants to get it on (especially when he is awake). If it were me, I'd make an effort to have a fun night, then afterwards tell him what times of day work for you, and reiterate the things that don't. There are times when that phrase CAN work, mostly when it's been a long time and it's a real physical thing. Is it how he asks all the time, or a % of the time? If it's a third or lower of the time he asks that way, I would say it's just a testament to the mood he's in (i.e. really horny), and I wouldn't be worried. I think the more ridiculous life gets, people really need a good you-know-what to feel alive again. If it's more than that, you need to ask him point blank what the deal is. Things change over time, and you guys want to be tuned into each other's needs. You might have to work some things out, or try new verbal foreplay.