Please

I have a friend who had a still born as well. I know they did a memorial service for liam, and that did help them a lot They took advantage of the counseling programs offered by the hospital. They both had a hard time with everything, but it did affect him and her differently. I know she continued counseling for a while after he stopped going. The best thing to do, is to contact the hospitl and get some counseling, and find a support group.

You've done a wise thing by writing here.
You are absolutely right that having
someone(s) to talk to is important, vital.
I'm confident that you'll get notes and comfort
and encouragement here.

I am so sorry that your beautiful daughter Ember
wasn't able to stay here among us.
This is a loss not only to your immediate family, but to all of us.

Thank you for describing your daughter to us.
I'm sure I'm not the only person here
who is able to form an image in my mind
of your beautiful daughter.

Also, I'm especially sorry that you haven't yet found
comfort and support closer to home.
Your doctor, or someone in his or her practice,
should be able to refer you, and your husband,
to one or more opportunities for counseling
and/or support groups.

You are not alone.
If you become part of a support group,
there will be people there who understand your loss.
And, in time, you will be able to be supportive
of other parents who have had similar losses.

Thank you for taking this important step
in your process of taking care of yourself.

S.

Not I, but my mum and my SIL. I wasn't even born for my mum's loss, but I was with my SIL during her loss. Her baby was full term, and one night quit moving. She called the doc freaked out that she wasn't feeling movement, but was told it's common (and it is) at this late stage because of there being so little room to move. The next day she went in, and no heartbeat.

The entire experience was awful. Of course, the hospital did their best, but from the black tag on the door (so no one would go in all excited and say the wrong thing), to 10 hours of labor... it was a devastating process. Come to find the cord had wrapped so tightly around her little girl's neck that her completely heathy baby had suffocated. No bloodflow or O2 to the brain at all. Even by the time my SIL had noticed no movement, it would have been too late... because it only takes a few minutes... and of course, no one notices just a few minutes of stillness. That happens all the time.

The hospital *always* does an exit counsel with social workers after a still birth, but my SIL & BIL were in too much shock to really take in what was being said during the exit counsel. If one of my other BILs and I hadn't both worked in hospitals and known the "drill" neither my SIL or BIL would have known that they were invited to take part in individual & group grief counseling free of charge, or that there were support groups out there to help the parents and families of stillborn children. So they were counsel free for several weeks, and both in quite deep depression, as were both sets of their own parents (from both losing a grand baby and fear/sadness for their children. My SIL's mother actually made the entire process much much worse because she would vacillate between yelling at her daughter to "get over it", and blaming her or her husband, just generally being a giant pain while my BILs father actually quit eating more than enough to keep a bird alive for several months and lost over 50lbs being stoic in his own grief). When my BIL and I started asking them why they weren't taking the hospital up on their grief counseling, we realized what had happened (their being shock) and got them in.

So if you aren't in counseling I strongly urge you to do so.

My mum has lost 2 children. One at birth, and one later in life. She says that of the 3 (miscarried and actual children), her stillborn child was the hardest, because she had so many hopes and dreams, and so many unaswered questions for the child she never got to know. She didn't know if he was fussy, easy, adventurous, like trucks or dance or both...etc. She says that she spent over a year with nothing but unaswered questions swirling around in her mind, and that the loss is why she took up running marathons. So that she'd have an excuse to just THINK about her lost baby without anyone bugging her/ telling her to stop. That she could run and run and run, and no one would pester her or guilt her.

My heartfelt condolences.

I just buried my own stillborn daughter on the 29th of august. It is the most painful thing I have ever done. No one understands the pain, except other mothers walking this lonely road. It is so not fair. I feel the empty arms you have. People keep telling me I will get through this, but never will be the same. If you would like to talk about it, email me at anytime.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I have attended a hospital birth of a baby that had died in utero at about 27 weeks gestation. I was called in by the midwife friend of the mother, because of my background in crisis counseling as well as my training in midwifery. I also attended a birth--as a photographer at the last minute, because a midwife friend of mine was working with that woman--of a baby that had a spinal cord problem that did not allow for life outside the womb, so she was on life support for a few days until the parents let her go, but never breathed on her own. I was blessed to be part of that whole process with those parents. That is as close as I have ever gotten, though I am also a mother of three beloved children and know the fears that I and many others have gone through about what it might be like if this happened. If there is any way I can offer support to you, if just talking or emailing would be helpful for any reason--even just to vent your feelings and have someone who cares listen--please message me privately and I will give you the contact information.

One thing I do know can help is to fully acknowledge your grief for your daughter. She was your daughter and you are her mother, even though you did not get the chance to hold her in your arms alive. Reach out to people who can understand that and validate that for you so that you can process your grief as you need to.

Many blessings,
Fiora

Oh my goodness my dear! I am so so so very sorry for you loss!!!!! I have had 3 miscarriages, but I know that that I can't hold a candle to anyone who has lost a child. My sister lost her 5 year old son 3 months ago to a tragic accident. I cannot even begin to understand her pain. I offer you my empathy and prayers, and I pray that you get some great help from these excellent moms on here. God bless you my dear.

There are no words to comfort your pain. You suffered a tremendous loss and talking about it will help. I searched your area for a support group but did not find one listed. However your OB should know of a group. In smaller towns the groups may be all inclusive to stillbirth and miscarriage. Obviously they are different but both envoke a loss that is difficult and how we as individuals handle these losses is variable. If nothing in your area exists then try online groups as well as some grief or behreavement counseling. Your local church or family center should have a grief group. Though still find a specific outreach for mothers of stillborns. One on line resource is ...http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Stillbirth/support-group . Also there is http://www.missinggrace.org/LinksSupportGroups.html
Again there are no words to lessen your pain but I wanted to express my sincerest sympathies. Also to tell you that you are right to feel this way and to grieve. You lost someone very important to you. You made sacrafices and you were the best mom to Ember while you carried her. You are a mom and her mom. I do not know the reason God needed your blessing back so soon, I just know that time, grieving and hindsight will heal you but of course you will never forget your daughter. And you shouldn't, Ember will always be in your heart. After sometime I hope you can have many babies who walk among us but still never forget your angel Ember, for she soars.
God bless and many prayers for a healthy grieving process for you and your husband.
-mb

Check with your hospital to see if there is a support group for women who've lost their baby. I knew of one several years ago. I think it's name is Compassionate Friends or something like that.

You do need someone to talk to. A support group will help. Most hospitals do have a Grief Group that anyone who has lost someone can attend. You don't have to have used that hospital to join. You can also find a counselor who deal with grief issues. It may help your husband to go with you.

Some parents, particularly men have difficulty talking about their feelings. They grieve alone and often hold their grief in resulting in chronic depression. I urge you to continue to talk with him about how you feel. Don't try to get him to talk. Let him know that if he'd just hold you while you cry it will help.

Your doctor may also be able prescribe a mild anti-depressant to help you thru the worst of your grief. We do have to actively grief but when our grief overwhelms us we also benefit from the help of a medication.

I feel sad for your loss. Know that one day, you will feel better. In the meantime, continue to reach out for support. If you haven't already, it may help to make a book for your baby. Write about how you feel and how much you miss her. Tell her everything you would've told her were she still with you.

I haven't been through this, but I just wanted to say that I am so sorry for your loss.

I am so sorrry!!!! I know your sorrow. I lost my little girl and my son. It is so very hard and so many people don't know what to say. There were nights when I thought I may loose my mind I was so sad. My faith helped me more than anything else. I know without a shadow of a doubt that God created our children for a very special purpose. Everyone he creates has a very special part to play in the salvation of the whole world for all of time. I carry a locket with a very small piece of their blankets inside. I am nearly never without it. My babies are my little saints in heaven always praying for me. Know that your love for your child will continue to grow and your sorrow will fade. You are more than welcome to send all the private messages you desire. I will help if I can. My prayers are with you!
D.

I am so very sorry to hear you lost your beautiful baby. What a heartache. A dear young friend of mine had this happen several years ago. She found great comfort in joining a grief support group. I hope you'll inquire at your hospital. It helps not to feel so alone.

I am so sorry for your loss of your precious baby Ember. I don't know the resources in your area specifically, but I wanted to give you some suggestions. Check with your hospital and other hospitals in the area and see if they have a support group for infant loss. There are several national groups - if you search under MISS Foundation-infant loss you will get info from this group. Also AMEND (aiding mothers & fathers experiencing pregnancy loss, stillbirth or neonatal loss has a chapter in Florida and Missouri, but offer phone support and written material to anyone who needs it. contact Karen Frazier, RN in Tampa (i'll email you her phone number privately) and she may be able to connect you with one of the mom's in her support group (and connect your husband with a dad). She has been wonderful to help my son and his wife who lost their daughter Katelyn shortly after birth. Also the website, www.kumc.edu/geclsupport/miscarri.html has lots of other websites and support groups. I also found a blog : bablylossdirectory.blogspot.com that you might want to check out. Everyone grieves differently - moms, dads and grandparents, too!
I hope you don't feel so alone anymore since many people have reached out to you on this site.

I can understand what you are feeling. We lost a grandson December 17, 2009.He was 36 weeks. He weighed 4lb, 1 oz and was 15 inches long. My daughter was only 18. It was devastating! We had a memorial service for Logan in January. Believe it or not that helped. The dr assured that in 30 years he had only had 1 other incident where the baby died from the same cause. He had a ruptured umbilical cord. This was not going to happen again. Kayla, my daughter is 27 weeks pregnant again. Knowing that it is very unlikely to reoccur does not lessen the panic we all are feeling as she approaches the same point in the pregnancy. She is praying that her dr will change her due date or someone let her deliver by 36 weeks. If you need to talk you can contact me privately. I can put her in contact with her. I am sure she would be willing to share and listen. Again, I am so sorry for you loss.

I am so very sorry for your loss! I cannot imagine the pain that you are experiencing, but my hear aches for you and your family. Please seek a support group and/or counselor. You should not suffer through this on your own. Your daughter sounds so beautiful and perfect in every way. My thoughts and prayers are with you!

I am so sorry. My heart is in pain for you. Please know that thoughts and prayers are there for you.

I am so, so sorry for your loss. It is a horrible thing to have to go through. I recently learned of a site that might be really helpful to you, as you can connect with other moms who have lost their babies. You can even search for ones whose situations were most similar to your own.

Please take a look at http://www.facesofloss.com/

I hope that you are able to find some women who can help you get through this difficult time.

I have no idea what to tell you, to ease your grief and make your loss somehow more bearable...but I can tell you to allow yourself to grieve...don't expect it to "be over" but know that you need to move through this, step by step and that you will survive this, even though at times I am sure it seems like you won't. I agree with the others about talking to the hospital or your OB about a sharing group that might be available to you and to your husband. Your husband needs to somehow find a way to acknowledge his loss and his pain, so that he can be the husband and man that he wants to be.
Please know that I will be lifting you and your husband in prayer...and that I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful daughter, Ember ( what a lovely name and so appropriate for this little life that never was able to burst into the full blaze of what God intended for her!!!).
God bless you and your husband
R. Ann

I'm so very sorry for your loss. What a shock and a huge grief! Although I haven't lost a baby in this manner, I have a good friend who did. She is a strong Christian, and even though she understands God's providence and goodness, she still struggled with it. She knows that God loves her and will never leave her, but she just didn't feel it. She had to hold onto that in faith until she finally came out of that valley. That's all you can do. Cling to God. Cry out to Him, for He alone can minister to your hurting heart. Read the Psalms, for they are so filled with sorrow and victory and the promise of God's deliverance. I will pray for you. Also, husbands grieve differently from their wives. I imagine that he is being hard on himself because he couldn't rescue his daughter. It is such a helpless place to be emotionally. I pray that you will find beauty out of the ashes, and joy after the mourning. One day, you will feel joy again. It's just hard to imagine today. I do pray you have faith, for without it, I cannot imagine going through a trial like this. Please feel free to PM me if you would like to chat more. Blessings to you and your family.

I am so sorry to hear that Ember was born stillborn, especially when it was unexpected. I have had three miscarriages so know what that saddness it like but cannot know the extent of your pain.
A friend from church though has had a nearly fullterm stillbirth and even though that was four years ago, she still tears up on occasion. Just about anything triggers it.
I recently read the book "I Will Carry You: The Sacred Dance of Grief and Joy" by Angie Smith in which she goes into detail over her own grief process. Her 4th baby was diagnosed with life threatening birth defects in eutero and did die a few hours after she was born. The book also deals with the differences in the way men and women deal with grief. Women, like yourself, are bereft and shaken to the core and men, while sad, did not form the attachment that moms do, so are quicker to "get over it". I have bought several copies to give to moms who have recently lost babies and those who I know had miscarriages or stillbirths in the past, in the era when things weren't discussed.
I hope you were able to get pictures and a sample of her hair. That may sound morose now but in the future it will bring validation that Ember DID exist. And if you are like me, you'll want something to remember her by. I have a tatoo of the date of my 1st miscarriage and several necklaces with each baby's birthstone on one side of a simple cross and birthstones of my living three on the other side.
Please do not feel you are alone...

K.

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your daughter Ember.

Call your mom. Call your sister. Call your priest. Call your OB. Get a referral for counseling. You are at risk for PPD not to mention the normal depression that comes with bereavement. Google for local.support groups of parents dealing with the lose of a child.

I work with a woman who lost her daughter this way 25 years ago. She still speaks of her with lose and longing -- Which to some degree is normal but I often wonder if she had sought help (which really didn't exist back then) if her sorrow would be less.

I am so sorry for your loss and I will pray for your healing and comfort during this painful time. My good friend lost her baby girl at 6 months and she had a memorial service and burial for her so sometimes that may help. I had a miscarriage with twins at 7 weeks and then a year later i was pregnant with my daughter. But you do always wonder about the one you lost. I know like someone said a miscarriage doesn't compare to losing a full-term baby but just pray and give yourself time to heal and maybe after a little while your husband will want to open up and share his feelings about it. Sometimes it takes men a while before they're ready to talk about their grief or they like to bottle things up. I would go to a support group also, maybe talk with family? And just remember, when the time is right in the future, you'll have your wonderful newborn baby. My thoughts are with you, you will get through this!

I am so, so sorry for your loss. In the area where I live they have support groups for parents who have suffered miscarriage, stillbirth or infant loss.

I don't know if you had photos taken of your baby by "Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep" or another organization. Many parents are so happy later on that they have pictures of their little one, even if they were not able to look at them right away.

Compassionate Friends is a wonderful organization whose mission is to help parents who have lost a child of any age. They have local chapters. Their website is www.compassionatefriends.org.

When my friend lost a baby in the second trimester she told me that she didn't want people to ignore it or not talk about it. It felt worse when the loss was unacknowledged.

My thoughts are with you, please take care.

Go to Myforeverchild on facebook, they might also have a webb site. We had two young women in our chuch who also had a stillbirth and one died 45 mins after birth and this site has really helped them and they have great jewelry for you to buy in remembance of your baby and they have a support site also. Praying for you and that you will recieve the help you need for this long journey

Ember does sound perfect. She's the same weight as my son when he was born and I love her name.

You'd be surprised how many people around you probably have gone thru the same thing. Often, nearby churches will have support groups or mommy groups that you could get involved with. You will meet some wonderful Godly women that can help you either just by listening or by sharing their similar experience. I was in a group called Mentoring Moms and the Elder's wives were our guides. It was great to have another mom (other than mine) to talk to about marriage and kids. Check into it. I am so sorry to hear about your loss.

you and your family are in my prayers!

hello K., i've never experienced what you are experiencing now. Maybe the hospital or your church may have some classes you can go to or know of some places that offer them. I know at times these classes are in the newspapers to. My heart goes out to you and your husband

My heart goes out to you. I can not imagine what you are going through. You are in my prayers.

I'm so very sorry for your loss. I'm praying for you and your family. I don't know what to say, but I wanted you to know that there are many thinking of you and I am one of them.
Loni

I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't even begin to imagine what your going thru. Maybe you can look into finding a support group in your area. My prayers are with you.

I am so sorry for your loss! I have not gone thru what you are going thru right now and won't pretend to know how badly you are hurting. But I just wanted to say that I do have a friend who had a stillborn at 42 weeks and her husband wouldn't talk about it either. Thankfully she at least had friends to talk to... hopefully you have close friends or family that you can talk to.
My cousin also lost her baby girl just a month after she was born and the most important thing to her is baby Jaydlyn not being forgotten. Please tell people that that is important to you! Most people probably feel uncomfortable talking to you about Ember and need you to tell them that you WANT to talk about her! (If you do)
Again, I am so sorry that you have to go through this! I will be praying for you and your family!