Playdate Problem.. - Lynnfield,MA

Not overreacting , its overwhelming! You have the power to say no, not today. I will meet you at the park or go for a walk and we can meet at the park. You can always say it right back, oh my daughter feels the same way , let s meet at the park. She is getting a free sitter and time to herself and that s not fair to you.

Just say you're busy. She'll eventually get the the hint. The unfortunate thing is that parents have a tendency to ruin a lot of things for their kids, including friendships.

You are being taken advantage of... just say NO. You can say it nicely "sorry but not (insert time frame here: today, this week, this month) - we are just too busy".
Sounds like you may want to let this "friendship" fizzle anyways...

No - not over reacting. If she calls and asks if your daughter is available, say "Yes. She is. But I can't host today. Do you want to host or do you want me to call you another time when I'm able to watch both girls?"

They sound absurd. Next time she asks if your daughter can play, you say "sure! When should I bring her over?" If she says no to her house, then say "oh, ok, no problem. I just assumed your house this time since you were asking but I can't host either so we'll have to try another time." Keep repeating that until she stops asking or starts hosting. Get this scale a bit more balanced!

Now that you know the pattern, have you considered changing your answer?

I think - if your daughter does want to play with her - change the conversation next time......when the mother says, "is your daughter available to play" you say "What time should I bring my daughter over?"

If your daughter doesn't want to play with her - just make yourself unavailable like this:

"Is your daughter available to play?"
"Today is not a good day, thanks for calling"

Just say you're not available.

If you dd wants to play, you could say, I've got too much going on right now to have the kids over here, but if you want to take them to the park, I'm sure my daughter would love that!

You are totally being used as a free babysitter, and she is just disguising it as a playdate. Say NO!! Next time she calls for a playdate, say yes your daughter is free, but only if she plays at their house. Remind her that you have to other kids to take care of. Or tell her that in the future, you will alternate houses for playdates. I think she totally made that up about people touching her stuff, but if that is true - she should be keeping her kid at home to teach her some manners. Even more reason to invite friends over, kids need to learn to share

Next time she calls and asks if your daughter is "available to play", I would say yes. Then when she says she will be right over, I would then say, "oh, well, my hands are full right now with my toddler and newborn, how about if I drop off my dtr there?". If she says yes, then great! Start going back and forth again. If she says no, then nothing lost.

Frankly, she doesn't seem like a good friend to either you or your daughter so likely I would talk to my daughter to see how she feels about letting this friendship go and take it from there.

You should never feel obligated to do something you don't want to. Good luck!

It's not ok to call and initiate the playdate but always expect it to be at your house. You can respond in a few ways:

1. "Yes, she's available to play. When can I bring her over?" Don't pause between the two sentences so the other mom doesn't have a chance to say she will drop hers off.

2. "Well, we were going to run errands but I can drop her at your house and pick her up when I'm finished. I'm sure she'd have a lot more fun playing with your daughter than running errands with me!"

3. "She would love to play. Can we do it at your house this time?" If she says her daughter doesn't want to share her things, then i would decline the playdate by saying "ok, maybe today isn't a good day then. Let us know when she's ready to share!"

4. "She would love to play but I can't host today. Do you want to meet at a park?" That way, no one has to host.

Wow what a manipulator.

I would start declining until she actually invites your daughter over to her house.

See how long it takes for her to offer, who knows, maybe she never will.

Maybe encourage your daughter to engage some new friends this school year.

Do you ever tell this woman "I'm sorry, but that just won't work for me. I'm happy to drop daughter off at your house, or we can arrange another time"?

I think it's poor form for the mother to be 'protecting' her daughter from dealing with the realities of life. She should be teaching her child that toys are just toys, but it's friends that make the toys more fun-- instead of indulging this behavior. How long does she intend to indulge her daughter's behavior? Because what she's doing, in essence, is fostering it--likely because she doesn't want to deal with the tantrums and crying and work of helping children to share.

You should speak up when she says something about sharing: "You know, it's good for her to have practice. Have you thought about putting her favorite toys away before a playdate, so she can get along with her friends while they're over?" If it were me, I would only say 'yes' to hosting when it works for you...

Also, just be cautious of the other mom and what/how she excuses her child. Over the years I've been on this forum, I've seen relationships which probably started a bit like this (with one parent/child pair seeming emotionally responsible for the other pair's needs) and have ended up in situations where bullying was condoned by the other parent-- that is, the parent of the child who behaves in a bratty way or says mean things gets excused by their parent and it becomes expected that the other mother/daughter should follow suit. When friendships become truly unequal--when one party is expected to accommodate and be compliant to the other's needs without reciprocity-- then you are in for a whole mess of further dysfunctional behaviors.

You're not overreacting, you're catering. Next time she calls and ask for a play date you can say "sure, what time did you want me to bring my daughter over?" or "unfortunately we aren't available..."
She'll get the hint and move on to another enabler.
Your daughter and you for that matter will be better off.

I wouldn't turn if around, I'd just say, sorry we are busy. If she doesn't get the hint and invite your daughter over, it sounds like you will be better off anyway!

I think since the new norm is a playdate at your house (is it a playdate or babysitting? There's a fine line), say no if you do not want to host. You have the same rights not to host as she does. I frankly think she's doing her DD a disservice not to teach her to share or not invite your DD to a park or other "non house" venue. There were plenty of times when we told the bigger kids, "You can play with Friend, but it can't be here today." So either they found somewhere else to go or they waited for a better day.

Bottom line is that this mom and daughter can't take advantage if you don't let them. Start to say no when you don't want the drop off and if this friendship fades, encourage other friendships instead.

Wow that IS rude!
Don't be a doormat. Just be honest, "I really don't feel it's fair that I host every time, I'd like to go back to switching off." If she balks at that just smile and say "oh that's too bad, I know the girls will miss playing with each other." I wouldn't worry about coming off rude with someone who is so CLEARLY clueless about common courtesy and good manners :(

That mom knows exactly what she is doing and how she is treating you. She is taking advantage of you and you are letting her get away with it. And it sounds like the little apple won't fall far from the tree. This is a good opportunity to teach your daughter how to handle manipulative people.

If this is your daughter's only friend I can see how this is tricky. But if it isn't, then be assertive. Use that mom's words and excuses right back at her. Tell her your own daughter doesn't like other people touching her stuff and that its better for you if she plays over there every other playdate. But now that I say that, I'd hate for any child of mine to play over there with those kinds of people...what if they treat her unkindly?

So with that, I say, give yourself a break from them and get to know another mom with a child your daughter might like.

Tell her that with the two smaller children playdates at your house are getting to be too much. If her child can't share, why does she expect some one else's to?
Or is ti mom who doesn't want to watch her own child?
Do you know if anything has happened when your child was there?
Time to say no and start introducing better friends for both of you

Thanks to all of you for the great advice. Definitely will be handling the situation differently from now on...

No, you're not overreacting. The woman is rude and taking advantage of you, but she can't continue to do that without your permission and participation. The next time she asks if your daughter is free, reply with another question, "Why, what did you have in mind?" If she says "I'm going to drop my child off at your house" just say "I'm sorry, that's not going to be convenient today as I am cleaning" (or "my littles ones aren't up to it" or anything else) - then add "I'd be happy to bring her over to your house if you like, but then I need to get right back." Don't get pushed into something you don't want. If she says her daughter doesn't like people touching her stuff, then you can say "I'm sure she understands that other kids sometimes feel that way as well." If you have to, be more blunt ("I'm sure she can't possibly expect other kids to share toys if she doesn't want to"), but start out non-confrontational but standing your ground. Do that a couple of times, and if no invitation is forthcoming, then decide if you are really "friends" with someone who is selfish and if this relationship is one you need to keep. The kids can just be friends in school if that's all that can be managed. Be aware that the other girl may not feel that way at all - it may be the mom blaming the kid, when in fact the mom just wants time to herself or is embarrassed about her house, who knows? You can pity her but you don't have to bend over backwards when there's no reciprocity. Even if she didn't invite your daughter to her house but did other things like take both girls out to the movies, at least there would be some fairness.

A.,

Not over-reacting at all. This seems very self-centered and one-sided on your "friend's" part.

If you are interested in maintaining this relationship, the next time the playdate issue comes up, I would say something like, "It would be really nice if the girls could play at your house for a change, and it would really be a big help to me with ______(toddler) and the new baby."

If she balks at this and resists or comes up with a bunch of excuses, you will have to decide how much you really want these people in your life. If this were to happen with me, I would have to choose to let it go. Just my take on what I would have to do.

Hope this helps and that this woman wakes up and realizes that she might be losing a great friend.

J. F.

No, you're not overreacting. Playdates need to be reciprocated.

The next time she calls about a playdate, I would just say you're busy. Then when YOU"RE ready for a playdate, call and invite the friend over.

OMG Did I write this??? LOL! We have a VERY similar situation. I also have 3 LO's - a 1 yo, a 5 yo and 6 yo and a girl across the street has a totally one way friendship with my daughters!

I don't know what to do either other than no playdates. So annoying!