Play Dates - Bethlehem, PA

I don't think you are being over-protective for a five years old. If a Mom that I don't know calls and asks my daughter over for a play date I say that I will drive her over for the first time (as opposed to her taking the bus after school) so we can meet and get to know each other a little bit. I have had other Moms say this to me and it has not been a problem.
I also ask if there are guns in the home. I know this is hard to ask but you can always blame the pediatrician and say he/she recommends asking all playmates parents about guns.
Good luck

As long as younger siblings are not involved, I see no reason why you cannot attend the play-date. I also have a child in K and we never allow a non parent play-date unless we have visited the house and know the parents well. Do they have guns in the house? Do they know how to respond in an emergency? Being overprotectiv enevr killed a child.
Good Luck.
ER

Have you thought about hosting a kindergarten mom's tea or having all the kindergarten moms meet at a coffee shop? That way all the mom's can get to know each other. Include name tags with the parent's names and also their child's names. It might be difficult for working moms to make it, but most times their children are in daycare and that makes it difficult for play dates anyway. Good luck!

Be sure to know the child well enough first off. If you approve of the child's behavior, that can be a hint of what kind of parents they are. Not a true test but does help. Then meet the parents, chat it up a bit and get a feel of what kind of people they are. Offer to take her over and stay a while while the kids play. That'll give you another hint, and will set your mind at ease. Talk to other parents and ask if they know other parents. If you get too many negatives then you'll have a red flag there. I don't think you're being too cautious. Some parents are loose and some are more tight. Do what makes you feel comfortable.

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets

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I agree that it should be ok for you to stay for a little bit. Or you could ask the kids' teacher what she thinks, if you trust her judgement. I WOULD ask a few "screening" questions regardless of whether you go there or not about accessible firearms, pets, and smoking. Unlocked guns or smoking in the house would be a deal-breaker for me. Other than that, go with your gut.

I'm of the mindset that my children don't go by themselves to anyone's house without me knowing the child and the parents. I have 3 boys (6,5,3)and play dates are always going on for us. I allow my 2 older boys to go on play dates by themselves, if I am comfortable with the other child and parents. With my 3 year old, I go with him. I feel he's too young to go by himself and still too "needy" and higher maintenance than the older boys. Until I had children, I NEVER thought about who had a gun in their house and that is definitely something you need to know about. My oldest son had a friend in pre school and the boy's parents bought him a miniature dirt bike/motorcycle (at the ripe age of 4)......real motor and gas powered........I found out when I dropped the boy off to his house after a play date at my house and, needless to say, I never allowed my son to go there for a play date. It doesn't take much time to observe what is going on with other children and their parents to decide who you are comfy with letting your children visit. ALWAYS go with your instincts and get to know the people first before you let the most precious person in your life spend time with someone other than you! Good luck!!!

You are not bein over protective at all, not in this world. I would suggest talking to the parents and even going along for the first few dates, until you get to know the family.

HI,
i just encountered this problem a few weeks ago and asked about it here. What Denise said seemed to be the concensus, ask to stay a bit and get to know the mom. I'm going to try to invite some mom's out to lunch at micky dees with the kids in a neutral environment and then take it from thre, maybe at that point they will know me better and it won't feel so weird if i ask to stay. Because right now i feel soo akward inviting myself and my other child to come to their houses too.

My daughter is only 3 though. I'm curious as to when people think their kids are old enough to go alone to playdates at places they don't know. Sounds like some people think Kindergarten is ok?? I'm just wondering what i'll feel like when they are ten??

Good luck, wish you and i could get together for a playdate sounds like we think alike.

The other parents may just not realize you wish to be formally invited, many probably just assume you'll stick around, at least for a little while. This past Saturday there was a B-day party for one of my daughter's friends (she's 6). She's in 1st grade and last yr there were 2 kindergarten classes. At this party one of the moms told me that her daughter had asked my daughter over to play and my daughter told her no. When the little girl asked why, my daughter told her "Because my mommy doesn't know your mommy." I thought it was cute, and so did the other mom. We actually talked about this very subject. We came to the conclusion, as I mentioned, that some moms just assume the other mother will stay. So don't deny your daughter a play date, just be a little vocal to the other parent about your desire to stick around and get to know the other parents.
One other thing, since you have another little one, don't assume that you can automatically bring him/her along. This is something I would definitely ask about.

I understand you very well. I was in this position many times and every time I told the moms that I will come with her since it is the first time she comes over and I don't really know them. I did not bother anyone so they could go ahead and do what they had to do around the house, but I watched the kids playing. You are not overprotective. You don't know the parents so going for the first few playdate until you get a feel of the family. You want to protect your children and I think every parent should understand that.

I have twin 5 year olds and for every single playdate we've had (and we have them often) the parents are always present. There have been a few times when a parent would set up a playdate with someone if they had something they needed to do sans kids, but that was more babysitting. I've done that twice with parents that I know very well and have spent considerable time at their homes. I would never let my kids play at someone's home if I had not spent enough time there myself to be comfortable.

No you are certainly NOT being over protective. You are being a good mom. What other moms have suggested is good. Stick around the friend's house a bit when your daughter visits. The other mom should understand, if not maybe that is not a place you want to leave your child. Also you could invite the other moms to stay with their children at your house, so you can get to know them first before letting you child go to their house. You could also make play dates and meet at a neutral place, the park, McDonalds Playland, etc.

I certainly wouldn't object to moms wanting to get to know me before leaving their child with me. Besides being safe, its an opportunity for me to make new friends, and we can always use new friends.

Don't be afraid to invite yourself along. Ask the other mother, do you mind if we come along (you and the three year old). You could say something like, "Do you mind if we come along?" Most other mothers will understand. If she questions it, just say something like "She's my first child and I'm pretty protective of her. We just met and I'm just not comfortable leaving her with people I have just met. I would like the chance to get to know you better as well so that I know who I'm leaving her with." Most other moms will understand this. I don't know many moms who don't want to know who it is they are leaving their child with.

If the Mom really has a problem with it, that would raise some flags with me. If the problem is because she needs to get some things done around the house or something like that then you could suggest meeting another time at your house or a neutral location (if you prefer).

Also, as I told another mom on here, don't be afraid to ask questions such as: Do you have any pets? Is smoking allowed in your home? Do you own any guns and if so are they locked away in a gun locker or lockbox that the children cannot get to? If these questions offend the other mother, then that is another flag that would cause me to worry.

Anyhow, I hope this helps.

Hello.... If you are not comfortable... just be honest with the other parent. Explain that this is your first child and since you've never met, you'd like to stay for awhile. I can imagine most people would appreciate that. Its a big step. I remember feeling unsure with my oldest. (but that changed by the third!) good luck!

I didn't necessarily know the kids' parents, but generally in kindergarten, the parents would call to invite the kids over. That gives you a chance to "meet them" over the phone. You don't have to interrogate them, but if you are planning to pick your daughter up, then at that point, you will meet a parent face to face.

Maybe some of the moms will have some "stock" phone interview questions. You could tell the other mom that you are new at this, and don't want to interrogate her, but would like to know what her child's after school routine tends to be like, what she likes to play with. Looking back, I don't think my girls went anywhere during kindergarten that I would have, in retrospect, wanted them to avoid. In later school years, there were some questionable homes along the way, but only 2 out of 4 children. (so far) And with the 1st one, we tried to do more inviting than sending, because we really liked the little girl, there just wasn't appropriate adult supervision, and they drank a lot. With child #3, she decided she didn't want to go to that house (both of these were for staying overnight) anymore, which made us very happy.

The thing you CAN do, to ease your own mind, is to make the 1st play date a bit shorter. I assume the other Mom will pick the girls up at school, and you can come by an hour later, or 2 hours later to pick her up, due to "family scheduling", or because it's convenient with your work schedule. Whatever works. Once you pick your daughter up, you'll have checked out the neighborhood, and you will meet the parent, so you'll have a better opportunity to "check things out". Also, remember, that kids are most comfortable with kids who remind them of home -- people who are kind of "like them". They are also very accepting, so it's not always true, but mostly they will make friends with people who are similar to them. (if that's any comfort)

Hi N.,
I don't think there is anything wrong with saying "Is it OK if I stay for a little bit to see how she does--she's never gone to a playdate without me yet." Get to know the mom(s) a little better. You will be amazed at how many moms are anxious to slough their kids off on anyone that asks. Going in to the house, seeing the mom, etc will most likely put your mind at ease for the next time.

I always go the first time and hang out, and get to know them until I am comfortable. Make sure to ask questions about guns being locked aways safely and such. Always go with your gut. Once I know the moms I am a definate drop them off person. But always always go with your gut!!!!!!!! They are your kids, and you need to feel that they are safe. Maybe have the other kid over at your house first to get a feel. I know even with my 7 yr old's friends ( boys) their are some that I want to keep watch over, and they always come here. I actually am happier that way.
Good luck!

If you are wanting to meet the parents whose house your child will be at, i would have a small get together at your house for both the parents and the kids. A get to know thing. This way you all can get a feel for each other and know them by sight as well as by name.

Jenn

I felt the same way about playdates for my son. I always said no and I felt bad so I started suggesting we meet at the park or a local fast food restaurant with a great playland. After that I think the moms got the hint and started asking me to join them if they asked my son over for a playdate.

I think that is your gut feeling and you are right. I think Kindergarten age you definitely should accompany your child on a playdate. In this day and age, that is much too young to send on their own and to rely on them being able to tell you if something weird or something occurs, they are just much too young to identify that.

Good luck-
D. B

get to know the other mothers.. I also wouldn't send him to someone's house w/o knowing them a bit. u can't trust anyone nowadays.

Hi N. you are not being over protective. What I have done with my children is I always ask them to have a out play date a few times meaning at the park, maybe a lunch date at MCD's or Chick fila with a play area. Or I do invite the parents over the first few times with the kids. I have also asked when parents don't seem to catch on at what I am trying to do is say a play date would be great can I bring a craft or something for us all to do parents usually pick up then that you are not leaving your child by themselves. A library playdate can be fun to. I hope that helps you.

I am so glad you asked this question!! My son is also in kindergarten and I have this same problem with him. Where I live, the parents are not as attentive and involved in what their kids do when playing. That concerns me and makes me apprehensive to let my son go on play dates at their homes. Let's face it, kids get into little spats and have disagreements, but I've learned that how the parents handle it makes all the difference. Already this year at the bus stop, a small disagreement between children turned into a yelling feud between the parents(and that was in the first month of school! get my drift??). I would never react like that over a disagreement that my child had with another child. Instead, I would encourage the children to resolve the problem themselves, through coaching them to think of ways they could have handle things differently and/or compromised. Whenever a child is playing with my child, I always deal with the other child the same way that I would deal with my child, through firm, loving discipline and patience. How can I trust that someone will treat my child the same way? I've witnessed other parents giving their children preferential treatment in play dates, and that makes me nervous to leave my son alone at someone's house not knowing if he will be treatly unfairly in my absence. I totally feel you, N..
My suggestion, as it has been mentioned by someone else, is to accompany your child on the first few playdates at a neutral location (say Chuck E Cheese, McDonalds, ChickFila, etc), that way you get to observe the children playing and also get to have discussion with the other parent to familiarize yourself with their parenting philosophy. This way, when you observe the children playing, you can see if the other child may have some nasty habits that you may not want your child to pick up.
In addition, don't discount the spouse of the other parent. Many times, we mothers only deal with other mothers without meeting the husbands, and I think that it is crucial to meet BOTH parents and watch their interaction with their own children. You'd be surprised how many spouses are like night and day when it comes to parenting ability and discretion. Now, would you really want your child left in the house with someone you don't trust while the other parent went to the store to grab milk?? Besides, what if their spouse has a criminal background or is a convicted sex offender?? You have to consider these things... and no, I don't think that you're being too careful (no such thing when it comes to your children). In fact, I've found that too many people aren't careful enough these days.
Whatever you do, continue to be a discriminate and mindful parent... God knows, there are not enough of us to go around these days. Good luck!

When I have been faced with this situation, I try to flip the playdate to our house - sometimes like, "that day doesn't work for us, but would so-and-so like to come here on Friday?" etc. Also...if you offer to pick their child up for the playdate, you will have an opportunity to meet the parents and check things out. The one time I went against my better judgment and took my daughter to a "blind" playdate...the family had 3 pitbulls and six kids of their own running around! Just my two cents...

My rule is when my daughter meets a new friend and wants a play date the child must come to my house first, I must meet the parents as well. I have the child come to my house because to me how the kid acts portrays the life style at home. When it is my daughters turn to go to her firends house I then welcome myslef in, ask if there is guns, where are they and are they locked. Over protected I do not think so. Not in todays day and age.