Permanent Decision-not My Choice--please Help

Hi K.,

Just a couple of thoughts, but I would seriously evaluate the reasons why you don't want any more children, and are the main reasons things that could change down the road? I think 25 is too young of an age to make such a long term and although not completely permanent, but close, decision. There are lots of other options to use to hinder your getting pregnant temporarily, such as the new mirena, that works for 5 years or until it's removed that you can talk to your doctor about. Granted, it does suck for lack of a better word lol, that pretty much your only non permanent options rely on something that you have to take or get and not your husband lol, but at least it gives you an option to not worry about pregnancy any time soon, but also allows you to have that option down the road. Best of luck to you in your decision, I can only imagine how tough of one it will be!

Whenever someone in a marriage makes a descidion totally on their own, without considering the others feelings, it is hard not to end up with hard feelings. You are already talking about leaving him and he has not even done this yet!! Have you talked to him about that? Did you discuss the number of kids you would want before you married? I think I would ask him to wait a little longer, maybe go to some counseling if you two can't talk it out alone, so thet you both are able to get out all of your feelings on this issue and come to a mutual descision. It sounds like one of you is going to have to compromise (hey, that is what marriage is all about), but if you do it without the others support, it does not sit well in the long term.
But if it comes down to his decision, then he is right to not ask you to permanantly give up your chances of ever having another child by getting your tubes tied.
Best of luck,
K.

I understand where you are coming from with the anxiety over how well you son will adjust being an only child. I am 35 and have a 4 yr old son, who I would not trade for the world. Right after I had my son I made the decision to have my tubes tied. My doctor was very easy to convince to tie my tubes due to my age. I am now remarried and now I am totally regretting having my tubes tied. I am now saving the $9000 to have invitro to have another child. Had I put alot of thought into my choice of sterilization we would have been on our way to extending our family instead of saving for invitro. My husband constantly asks me why I didn't explore other long term birth control options like the IUD or norplant. Looking back I wish I had, but in the moment of having a new child and not wanting more with my ex, I made a decision that will be with me and my new family for a long time. All said, only you and your husband can make such a delicate decision, the only thing that I suggest,-You are young and have a lot of life changes ahead of you, circumstances may change, if you are having questions about your son being an only child, look at other options that will give you and your husband a choice in the future with out causing financial and medical stress on something that is supposed to be a miracle!-Food for thought!

Jennifer H.

Have you told your husband that you would like to have another baby? I feel maybe you need to sit down with him & really talk about it. Tell him how you feel. I know it is hard. My husband took 12 yrs before he agree on an other baby. So now I have a 16 yr old & a 3 yr old. But thats ok with me. Well I wish you luck.

Dear K.,

First of all I am sorry to hear you are going through this. It seems to me that your husband is being very insensitive to your feelings. Unfortunately, so many men have no concept of wanting your 'own' children. When you said, "Am I a bad mom for making my son an only child?", your son will never be an only child because your husband has 3 daughters. Clearly you want to have another child 'of your own' someday, but if your husband doesn't perhaps you can talk to him before his surgery and explain to him how unfair it is to you as a mother and how disrespectful he is being towards you as a husband.

Good luck to you and your entire family.

~Mo

i am right there you!

i am 40 and have a 4yr old, and due to many reason, are not having anymore.my husband wouldnt mind more, but also understands my feelings and reasons. #1, we dont have alot of money and i would rather just give everything to the one we have. then split a penny. #2, the way my body handles stress isnt very healthy for me, much less a baby. #3 the risks that go along with my age.

but nonetheless, i wonder the same thing. and in fact, the question that you had, is the same one i struggle with all the time. she has cousins, on his side, but we are not very close with them. she has cousins on my side that she is very close with but, they are older.

my sister and i are very close, and i feel like i am cheating her of that type of relationship.

but so that i can sleep at night this is what i came up with: we never know whats going to happen, if god wants to give me another baby, then i will take it. she is loved by alot of ppl and i am doing things to make sure she is well adjusted (pre-k, playing with other kids all the time, etc). i know that when it comes time for her to take care of us :), then she will have help (i will make sure of it).

i wish that i couldnt have more, then i wouldnt feel guilty for my decision.

so, lol, i dont think i helped at all, but hopefully i have made you aware that you are not alone.

Hi K.,

That is a big decision to make. You could just sit down with your husband and talk about it. It always worked for me in the past. My husband only wanted one child and we have 3 now. We can't have anymore kids. Not by choice. I think that if you are happy with having one child then that is great. But if you want more than one child then i say go for it. The more the marrier. People always told me that having 2 kids is easier than having one. Which is true in most cases. But, not when they are almost the same age. Then is gets harder to break up the fights. I wish you luck. Keep us posted.

Lsura R

You've gotten a lot of good feedback so far. I just want to reinforce a couple things.

Having siblings is important for children, but I do not believe that a child will suffer for not having them, especially if they have close ties to other families (related or not). My 2 best friends have only one child. Due to the loving environment at home and the various activities their children are engaged in, their children are not spoiled, self-center, or intolerant of other children. They are very considerate, fun, and well-rounded kids. Even though each child would have liked a sibling, their lives are not empty due to the loving relationships they have in and out of the home.

I also want to stress the importance of talking with your husband. It sounds like you two did not really address having children in great detail or you would not be at this juncture where you consider leaving him. If you can talk to each other, I recommend you each taking time to write down your feelings first about having another child. Try to express only your concerns about your part in it, and relay them in a way that gives some indication of your level of concern (both joy and worry). Writing will give you a chance to collect your thoughts without the distraction or worry over how the other person is receiving it. When you've both done this, set a time to read and address each other's concerns/feelings on the matter with the mindset it is only to gain understanding of how each other feels (not judgement) and not to make a decision. Once you feel you've got an understanding of each other's feelings, it will then be easier to address the issue and come to a decision together. If this doesn't work, then perhaps a family or couples counselor would be a good idea.

If either of you make such an important decision entirely alone, then you can expect bitterness from the other one regardless of the outcome. A capitulation (giving in) is not a decision.

This unresolved issue can really create some emotional obstacles for you and your husband, so I hope you find a way to come to a compromise.

Good morning K. ~ I am a 30 yr. old SAHM to 4 boys (11, 9, 5 and 2) When I was pregnant with my 4th my husband talked to me about having or not having anymore...of course I wanted more and he did not, I told him that if that was his decision then he would have to have the surgery (I would not). While in a very long and hard labor there was the possibility of having a c-section and I was asked if I wanted my tubes tied while in surgery, in my exhausted state I said sure while you're there. Thank God I did not have the surgery, but 2 months after my son was born my husband had his surgery. I was (and still am) devastated!! (it's been 2 yrs.) We did talk about it and he left me feeling a little better saying that when the boys are a little older and we have finished building our house that we could consider adoption (like you I would love to have a little girl).It makes me feel better, but I will never have my "own" baby or be pregnant, unless that is God's will for us. I guess what I'm saying is that you and your husband need to really discuss this and like others have said how will he feel in 1 yr. or 5 yrs.? Your circumstance may change, his feelings may change and you I hate to say will be left with a hurt (don't get me wrong it has gotten easier, but I still long for another child). Praying that God directs you in your decision and makes it an easier one!! Please keep us informed!

Having children is a big decision. Your husband already has 4 children. That's a lot. I am guessing he is older too, he may feel he doesn't want to be an older father and continue to have children he won't physically have energy for. You should support him in his decision. Leaving your husband over this to me is not a great idea for your son. I married a widower with a son. My husband is 10 years older than me. I became a new mommy for his son, now our son. After our daughter was born I wanted more, but my husband did not. I felt even though I wanted more was it worth it to fight over it and end a marriage on that. I decided to support my husband and be thankful for the children I have. There are a lot of people out there that are only children. They function just fine. Put your son in lots of play groups so he can learn how to think of others and interact with others as well as share. I am still sad that I can't have any more, but I am a mom and that is what I had always wanted to be. Don't compare yourself to your twin sister. Your situation is much different than hers. You chose to marry your husband knowing he had 3 daughters already. Most families today consist of 2 or 3 children. And also, your husband being divorced is probably paying child support for 3 kids. That's a lot of strain on a man or any parent paying child support. I know I sound harsh and I truly do not mean to. I just want you to think of your husband's side. You should talk with him more on this too. Ask him all of his reasons why he doesn't want more. He may even mention the things I have. Him not wanting more doesn't mean he is a bad person or that he is wrong. I hope that helps.

Dear K.,

I understand where you're coming from, especially about having your "own" children. My husband is also divorced and has two daughters from his previous marriage. However, when we got married, we thoroughly discussed the topic of children and he knew full well that I wanted no less than two and agreed on having two. As someone else stated in their response, he must be adamant about not having another child probably because of the financial burden of having to pay child support for three children. Child support takes a lot out of your finances. It sounds bad to think of it this way, but would you still be able to afford another child and live comfortably? For us, having two children of our own will be enough for us financially. After my second child is born in October, I plan on having my tubes tied during my c-section. Overall, I have to agree with several responders in saying you need to talk to your husband so that both of you can lay out on the table your reasons for wanting more or not wanting more children are. Communication is key. Good Luck!

S.