Peer Problems ALREADY?

It is amzaing th social issues that arise in such early years...especially with girls. As parents we are charged with helping them to navigate this landscape throughout their lives. There are m,any books on the subject one is called"best Friends Worst Enimies" and should be mandatory reading for all parents. I would help your daughter to find the words to help her deal with such situations as they are bound to reoccur in the future and unfortunately we can not always remove and protect our children from bullying especialy once they are in school. I wonder if you asked the advice of some of the lax mom's if it may also bring the issue to their attention and they might be able to help their girls have more appropriate behavior too. Maybe phrasing it as " I miss hanging out with you guys. My daughter seems to be on the senstive side and I wonder if you have any suggestions as to how we can have the girls play together cooperatively so everyone has fun?" Best of Luck!!

R., I have a six year old son and he wasn't introduce to this until he began Kindergarten and I believe the only reason why is because he was in a preschool for two years with only 8 children in a classroom and then in another preschool class with 18 children and both classes had teachers that were very focused on all kinds of problems in the class. My son loves school. At the end of Sept. 2007 he began complaining of bellyaches and saying he wasn't going to school. I didn't know what was wrong. By the middle of October he finally brokedown and told me about a little boy he was verbally abusing him by saying he was stupid and ugly and wore ugly clothes. I work in a school so I know what goes on. I know my child isn't stupid because he is one of the few readers in his class and I know he isn't ugly nor does he wear ugly clothes, I also work at Old Navy part-time! I just told my son that maybe this child either has an older brother who is mean to him or doesn't have a mommy and daddy who isn't nice to him like mommy and daddy are to you and maybe he is jealous that you are smarter than you. I sent him to school and had a breakdown. I didn't expect this to happen to him for at least another three or four years! I went and met with his teacher to find out about this child and I hit the nail on the head. The child that was bullying my son does have an older brother who is very mean to him and his parents are so uninvolved that the teacher has never met them. I think children even as young as three pick up on the world around them and they hear their parent's on the phone gossiping or even fighting with each other. Because of this, they do not have the ability to interact with others properly because they were never taught right from wrong. The only thing I can say is keep doing what you're doing and tell your daughter the truth like I did. I had my son stay away from the child for a while and the little boy approached my son and asked why he wasn't his friend anymore and Cameron simply said that he was mean to him and he didn't want friends like that. Now the little boy isn't mean to him anymore. I guess my son can teach the child how to act better I hope! I hope this helped. She'll find friends that are nice like her one day. You'll find moms who aren't so lax in their parenting either. Those are the moms who can't be bothered dealing with their children and will have to one day because school's do not deal with bullies anymore!

I've run into the same issue, but my child is a boy. He's very gentle and tender hearted and I was shocked by how the little girl next door (5 months older) would treat him. Her mom would say, "Now that's not nice" but she would actually be laughing while she said it! The little girl simply ignores her mother and keeps right on being rude and obnoxious. My friends told me that it was good for him...that interactions with tough children would toughen him up. I absolutely disagree. At the tender age of 2.5 or 3 I believe that kids simply do not have the maturity or experience to toughen up when under attack. Instead, I felt it was making him see himself as a victim and become even more easily intimidated.

At these tender ages, I agree with the other mothers, we need to protect our children. I coach him every day and teach him how to be confident and strong...but in the safe and nurturing environment of our home...and I am seeing results.

I actively seek out play dates with children whom I admire and who's moms I seem to gel with from a parenting perspective. I don't want to shield my child from everything in life...but at this age, I do agree that they should be protected from mean children. They'll run into bullies soon enough when they get to school and I want the confidence they've gained in their most tender years to serve them well then.

I have great sympathy for your situation, regarding the children who are unkind to your daughter, and their parents who "let it go". This is a problem I've had to deal with ever since I started taking my child to playgrounds back when she was a toddler. Unfortunately, a more "relaxed" style of parenting has become more of a trend in recent years, which means that certain behaviors in certain kids are simply going unchecked. The best you can do is exactly what you have done: remove your child from a peer group in which she is not treated well by most of the other kids. Parents who do not correct their children's problem behavior are the real problem here, as you have correctly observed. Children simply act in accordance with what they learn (or don't learn) from their parents.

The best you can do is to try to find other parents who have similar parenting values to yours - i.e. parents who are not afraid to discipline their children when necessary - and maybe start your own play group. As your daughter grows, you will probably often find yourself in a situation where you are the "strict" parent - meaning, you are one of the only parents who knows how to draw a firm line or put your foot down where necessary. If you believe in yourself and are consistent, your daughter will respect you and learn good values from you - even if she outwardly sometimes complains that "the other kids' parents let them do whatever they want!!"

That being said, there will be times where you can't simply remove your daughter from a peer situation that is less than ideal. Sometimes there is no escaping lax parents and difficult kids. You will need to teach your daughter how to avoid and/or get along with these kids, while still sticking up for herself, because they will grow up to be her co-workers, employers, etc. This is hard and frustrating at times, but will serve your daughter well in the long term. She will hopefully grow to be someone who can get along with difficult people as well as people who are well brought up. This will be a great advantage to her, emotionally and otherwise. Your safest bet is to try not to say bad things about other kids or their parents in front of your child, but to instead address her emotional needs (comfort and sympathize with her when needed, and always listen to her if she needs to talk or vent about a difficult situation) and strategize with her about how to deal with difficult behavior.

I am over-simplifying, and have not exactly given a clear "roadmap" for how to deal with all of this. Stick to what you know is right and you and your daughter will be so glad later on. Trust your instincts; let your love for your child and your values guide you.

Good luck!

Hi, sounds like you are doing all the right things! Two books you might like to look at are: Odd Girl Out by Rachel Simmons which is about the aggression in girls, which does actually start this young, and another book for when she is a little older is called the SEcret Bully. The Secret Bully is interesting in that it talks about a friendship that is based on bullying, it is 6-9 yo but it does have a suggested reading list in the back. My daughter is 7 yo. We read the Odd Girl Out for a school book club that consists of parents and staff, and many parents related tales similar to yours, occuring in preschool. It was a helpful to discuss it together in this setting. Hope this helps.

A. K

Okay, I had to shorten this. I have had the same situation with famly. My DD has been removed from the situation and only has to see the other at family gatherings which have gone fine. It started almost from the begining about 6 months. She is now 2. Now she really only spends time with kids when the daycare kids next door are outside playing and at Church. These kids have really helped DD feel more comfortable and not as though she has to tread lightly. The good thing is she is still young and hopefully will be able to feel in a trustworthy situation again. I would try to build her up and introduce children in smaller groups of 1-2 to help her feel better.

Hi R.,
I had a similar problem ans was amazed it started so early too. I did what you did, limited the time she spent with that group of kids and when we were together, I tried to either host or provide an activity that my daughter had some control over that the other kids would be interested in (ie. bubbles, t-ball game, etc.). I also found that she did much better with a playgroup of kids who were younger than she.
BUT....as she has gotten older I have noticed the kids that use to be so difficult are now REALLY sweet, demonstrating great manners and ability to share/take turns while now my girl is showing some of the difficult behaviors. So I'm having to take back some of my thoughts and comments (to my husband) about the other kids (and their mom's parenting styles). Was it learned?? Probably some of it but I think it is also age related.
I love your idea of role playing. I'm not much on video/tv but I have noticed that sometimes that mode of disimination helps the child "get it". If you find anything like that....please let me know as I'm also working on self esteem with my girl.
P.

I read the other replies and I also agree with your choice to keep her away from the negative situations. My son is very verbal and has very big feelings too. Our neighbor is much older then him but he loves her but he cries when she rejects his interest in her so I too limit their interaction to short times together, as soon as there's too much negativity, I send her home. Seeing as she's our neighbor it's easy,to limit the time. I have, at times, given him the worsd to say to her when he is sad that she does not want him near her. Like, "I feel sad that you dont want me to sit with you". "I" statements really do help. I think that social skills are not immediately known, they're learned and the more that we can role play and help them to learn how they feel the better off they'll be. Good luck.
R.

Did the other parents see this happen? I hope you said something to them regardless! It doesn't matter what kind of parenting style any of us have, it is our obligation to teach our children kindness and respect. The best advice I can give you, is to do what you are already doing....telling your daughter that what they did was not nice, and pulling her away from the offenders.

Hi Robin... I think you are right to feel a bit digusted. I am a stay at home mother of 2 (soon to be 3). I too, have been part of playgroups where it seems as though the other parents are, as you put it "lax." For whatever it's worth, my advice would be to stick with small playdates for your daughter, and perhaps begin having them at your home, so it's on her turf. That might help her to become more comfortable with other children again. Also, through these small itneractions with children/parents that you are comfortable with, she will learn POSITIVE social interactions that will help her to be able to handle those little...people :-) Keep on modeling your positive behaviors and she will learn to mimic those when faced with situations. Keep the faith ~ I think you are doing the right thing :-)

I ran into the same problem and removed my son as well. However, as a child gets older - they go to school. They run into the same thing there. Sadly I, as a mom, showed my child was that he should be removed. You can't remove a child from school! :-) He didn't want to go to school because of these kids (and because I showed him it was okay not to be around those people).

Sadly, those types of kids exist *everywhere*. When my son was in pre-school, I instead showed him how to deal with the kids - like you are - roleplaying: What should be say, what should be do... A lot of "use your words". At 2 1/2 yrs old, this might not be as easy to teach.. but start.

My son skipped K due to his academics. He was the smallest in K - let alone first grade. So - he was picked on because he was small. However, he now loves school. He used his words and told them "Hey - thats not nice. I don't want to play with someone unless they are nice".

I also don't want him being a punching bag at school (and it DOES happen... I saw 5 kids bullying another boy at recess and repeatedly pushing him into a snow bank when I went for my sons b-day. Yes, I reported it to the school). We showed him how to get out of holds and defend himself if he needs it. We told him it's okay to walk away.

We, as parents, keep the lines of communication open by talking to him everyday after school and seeing if something big happened.

You are so doing the right thing. I too am amazed by how early negative social interaction happens. I also live in a small town and we have had the same issues. I had to stop having playdates with the, in our case, toddler that was the main issue. I too found his parents parenting style lax to say the least and unfortunately it caused a rift between us. That being said I dont regret it for one minute. I became very careful about who my daughter played with and now we are in a structured playgroup which is so much easier on everyone, parents and toddlers alike. Before we started the playgroup I went out of my way to do fun things every day with my daughter, the park, the zoo, walks etc. I was worried about not getting her enough peer socialization, but looking back I think it was the best thing possible. I openly talked to her about her feelings about being pushed around and why it wasnt her fault and why we wont play with so and so anymore. I think that helped her so much. She is very gentle and sweet and LOVES other kids and she became fearful and withdrawn around other toddlers after the negative interaction she had experienced. That broke my heart and I wish I had taken action sooner. Now she is just fine and I do think stronger for it. She is better able to voice her feelings when something happens she doesnt like. I know you have a new baby so maybe doing a lot of activities wont work for your schedule but I do highly highly recommend finding a structured playgroup. Having "neutral" teachers around to intervene is fantastic. I wish you the best of luck, I know how hard it is to see your little one go through something like this and have to navigate the politics of playgroups and other mothers parenting styles. All I can say is you are doing the right thing by intervening now, and by protecting her in this way you are building her security in you which will help her security in peer situations. Good luck!

Hi R. - Just one quick thing. From day one, I have taught my daughter that "different houses have different rules". So when a child is badly behaved or makes what we think are bad decisions, it may be because that is acceptable in their house. Simply put, it is not in ours.

Same with what they watch on TV, what they can wear to church (no jeans), if they can do homework with the TV on (absolutely not).

I am trying, more than anything, to teach my child to respect. Respect church, respect the learining process, respect herself and what she watches/puts into her body/treats her body, etc.

Everyone has a different idea about this - so most importantly, she is learning this in the process.

As she is getting older (she's now 10), that concept has not only served her well, but has allowed us some very interestng conversations about consequences, social acceptability, her ability to make her own choice as to who she hangs out with and the consequences of that. (Which is, for example, the very reason she is in public school... Life is public! I'd rather see her learning in small increments as she goes along than be sheltered all her school life and then BAM! Into the real world...)

All that said, your child will find her way. She just needs to understand that everyone is different and everyone is being raised with a different standard. We just need to stand strong in our convictions and who we are.

(And we, as parents, stand back and watch these other kids grow up and out in to the world making bad choices while their parents wonder... :-)

Hi R.,
The best thing you can do for your daughter now and as she gets older is be there for her. Make sure she knows how much she is loved and what a wonderful person she is. Make your home a safe haven for her and she will be able to be strong when confronted with the "mean" girls. I think you are doing the right thing arming her with some constructive things to say to these girls.
I hope this helped a little. I know how much it hurts to see your child being teased by other kids.
M. B.

My daughter is now 9 years old and a side from her mental illness she is very tall for her age and always has been. She tries to be mother hen to the younger kids and has always been this way. Due to the illness and her hight, other kids refused to be around her and picked on her a lot. With the right guidance from you and her elders she will understand and except, in time, that everyone is different and not everyone gets along in the world. It is sad that some parents let their children rule the roost so to speak. Not only by bulling others but in their own homes as well because most parents don't want to deal with them for what ever reason.
Just reassure her that it's going to be o.k. and it will get better. I am a stay at home mom of one. Hope this helps?