Past Relationship Issues

A.,
I have a totally different opinion. Here it is.

If he wants to get back with his ex he can do it no matter what (wether he's married to another woman or not, wether he has children or not). Just give a good look around: there are people with 3 children that for love (or sometimes for lust) leave their family. So the family card is not one to play. Read carefully:

1)trust him and let him do his thing, if you tell him not to he'll do it anyway without letting you know which is worse;

2)Start to get involved in new activities outside your home and tell him about it (you'll distract yourself from focusing too much on him and will give him the feeling that he is not stuck with a needy woman - he is with you because he wants to, not because he has to - same thing goes for you);

3)Don't tell him not to do things that he cares for, being in a relationship does not mean limiting the other, but rather making him/her be himself/herself. If he screws up and leaves you don't loose much, he was not 100% committed to you in the first place and you deserve better.

4)Nobody wants to feel in chains, every now and then mention her to remind him that keep one eye open and, yet, you have the self-confidence to let him keep a female friend.

5) Last, but not least: get a male friend!!It's fun, refreshing for you (free handyman) and your hubby will feel a little less secure, which helps! (little tip here: get one that you actually like, just in case ;-)

I hope you don't think this is crazy...it works for me!
Good luck

S.

5)

HI there I think that I would end the talking( thats being done behind your back). I have a friend who's husband was still talking to his ex (he would wake up at 12/1am after she went to bed and talk to her on the phone/computer), and when she finally asked him about it he said " he was keeping her as a backup in case there marriage didn't work" Now my husband has "his first love" who I found out was calling him at work. She called when she found out we got married, and then about a year later when she found out we were having a child. My husband told me both times she called him, and I got her number and called her. I told her if she wanted to talk to my husband that she wasn;t allowed to call him at work. That if she was going to talk to him, she was going to call him at our house and talk to him where I knew about it. I also had her over to our house and soon we became friends. Remember keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Hope this help

A.,

This is a touchy situation...

I have noticed in the past that ex's usually want to dwell on how thing were or what they would like it to be. I do not get into those type of conversations with Ex's because I am over it. I have been in situation were I felt uncomfortable because my Ex knew I moved on but hoped that we would get back together which is disrespectful.

You have to do what is best for you, but I liked the comment that someone made about sitting and listening to the conversation to see how things go. If it seems innocent without the other person having knowledge of you ease dropping then everything should be okay. If she is talking about getting back together then their friendship needs to end.

You know that you could find a way to read the emails to see for your self if they are innocent too.

Good Luck!

C.

WELL I DONT KNOW HOW LONG IT TAKES A MAN TO GET OVER HIS EX BUT TALK TO HIM AND TELL HIM WHERE YOUR HEART IS AND HOW U FEEL ABOUT THE SITUTION BUT FOR REAL U MIGHT TRUST YOUR HUSBAND BUT BE A CAUTION OF THE EX THE SAYIN IS WATCH OUT B/C SHE STILL MIGHT HAVE FEELIN FOR HIM BUT HAVE U MET HER OR IF SO U NEED TO MET HER SINCE THEY STILL HAVE A RELATIONSHIP TOGETHER ON A BUSINESS LEVEL BUT COMMUNICATIONS IS THE BEST FOR A MARRIAGE ALL U CAN DO IS ASK

BUT I HAVE BEEN THROUGH SOMEWHAT A SITUTION LIKE THIS SO COMMUNICATIONS WORKED FOR ME SO HOPEFULLY IT WILL FOR U GOOD LUCK

While it could be totally innocent, because I'm sure you don't have feelings for your ex at least not in that way, the communicating everyday is a little different. If he only does this when he is deployed that might be one thing, just another person reaching out to him. At the same time, he needs to put himself in your shoes I'm sure he would be thrilled if you called your ex everyday. Right?

Hi A.,

I can't imagine that your husband even keeps in contact with his ex. He isn't going to get over her while she is still lingering in his life. I know that sometimes ex's remain around even if the other person has developed a new relationship. What I would advise is to speak to his ex-girlfriend. Invite her to lunch and tell her that you feel that even though you know they are friends you feel that her presence is causing a rif between you and your husband. That if she wants to come and visit than to come to your home with you being present. Don't make the visits frequent but be respectful of your marriage and family. If she doesn't understand this, then speak with your husband and express your concern regarding this. He of course will deny anything unusual and that you are insecure. But as a women we can tell the difference between a friendship and a attraction. Let your husband know that holding on to his past is only going to cause problems. You are his present and future. He needs to decide what he wants. I hope that helps. Good Luck and take care.

Once you are married there is no reason to have contact with a past relationship unless there are children involved. Also the other woman should have enough respect for you to not allow this to continue or to even take his calls. If it were the other way around and you were the ex-girlfriend she would be hurt, angry, devastated, and feeling the same thing you are now. If you love someone, especially in a committed marriage you don't allow others to hurt your family and right now they are both hurting you with their actions. Please don't allow this to continue.

I would agree with what was said before, Talk to your husband about how you feel. Let him know your not comfortable about it. Make sure you tell him that you don't want him to not be her friend but you need to let him know that you feel like your not number one that she is. Maybe if you make that clear to him then he might understand it better. My husband and I are friends with one or two of our ex's. his don't bother me cause i know that he's mine he sleeps in my bed. If i find out something diffrent he'll live to regret it. But when it comes to my ex's I try only to talk to mine about every day life and never discuse our past. One of my ex's is married and the last think I want her to do is think her husband is going to leave her and her kids. That's not what i want her to think. I also don't want my husband to think i'm dwelling on a past love and have him fear that i will leave him. I also becames friends with one of his ex's now we talk almost every day. As long as you trust him there shouldn't be any problems, but do bring it up to him in a calm mannor and He should understand. good luck to ya.

This is a hard question to answer simply because so many things can be said. I am still fighting with my husband over an ex of his. He was in contact with her and her emails were very pointed toward him, almost ignoring the fact he was married. I told him about the fact she was emailing and I was deleting them (after feeling guilty) and he turned around and emailed her back, telling her to call him when I would not be home. He says it was nothing, but why sneak? I've lost a lot of trust in him because of it and still worry.

Do you see the emails? Do you know what they're saying to each other? If you have and it appears that it's just casual, friendly emails, then it should be okay. If they appear to be something like you and he would write to each other, then you really, really need to talk with him.

I don't know what to offer you other than that, if that even helps. My husband says he still wants to be friends with the ex, since they were together 5 years, but it just doesn't seem healthy to me. So maybe it's not an issue of getting over a person, as maybe wanting to hang on to part of their past.

Good luck!!!!

Hi A.,
Talk to him!!! Tell him everything you just put in your request...make him see how much it bothers you that he is still so close to his ex. Communication is the key to any long lasting relationship!! Ask any older couple and they will tell you communication is what kept them together so long. Good luck!

Hello,

I don't think that you have anything to worry about. I think that women tend to make a bigger deal out of things then men to. Let me ask you a question, would you be so worried if it was a guy he was talking to on a daily basis?? He is in Afghanistan and she is nowhere around. I am sure that it is hard for you too since you aren't there with him. You have to trust him. Ask him to be honest with you about what he talks about with her. My husband still talks with an ex girlfriend and it bothered me so we talked and he tells me everything he talked about with her. Do you have any reason not to trust your husband?? Guys let go of their feelings much faster then girls do but if they ended without hard feelings then why couldn't they be friends. Love is a two way street, as long as he isn't trying to get back on the street and he tells you that he loves you and wants to be with you then I think you are fine and once he comes home things will be different. Remember he is all alone there and probably just enjoys the conversations.

Hi, Why don't you ask him to call her in front of you. Sit beside him while he talks to her. This way you can listen to the conversation to give you alittle piece of mind. If he tells her, "why wife asked me to call you while shes sitting here." Then I think you have alittle problem, b/c why would he have to tell her that.....probably to give her a hint not to say anything incrimating. My BF, who I have been with for 4 years and have a 2week baby with still talks to his first love. They have both reasurred me that they are both two differnet people and are not interested in each other in that way anymore. She calls him for relationship advise...(a mans piont of view) or if she has a problem. She has come to our house and stayed the night....which was alittle uncomfrontable....but I agreed to see how they acted around each other. Everything went Okay, but if he was sneaking around....then he has something to hide. No one sneaks around for no reseaon.

You need to talk to him. You may be jumping to conclusions and this just could be an old friendship and someone he is comfortable with and there is no romantic feelings there. Or there could be. As far as I am concerned when someone makes the committment to marry another person, all the past relationships die when that committment is made. It doesn't necessarily mean that you cannot remain friends, but your spouse should never question where you heart lies. I would definitely talk with him and tell him how you are feeling. ask him to tell you the truth and see where it takes you. I wish you the best.

I think there are alot of things to consider...the nature of the break up.How close were their families; Some people can always remain friends with the knowledge that don't work well together. Have you talked to him about your feelings? Him being in Afghanistan doesn't make things any easier. Also, your baby is young. How long has your hubby been gone? It's completely natural to be a little insecure after having a child. Also take an honest look at your relationship with him. Does he give you any real reason to doubt him. You know that he's talking to her so he's not hiding it from you. That's good. Try to focus on the positives in your marriage. And BE
HONEST about your feelings. It's hard to expose yourself that way but men really don't get us and our emotions. Hope this helps!

My husband was with his first wife for 10 years, she was his middle school sweetheart even but their marriage ended due to her indiscrections, and though they still must speak to one another, as they have an 8 year old together, I have found myself fully capable of trusting my husband. I have a jealous side and up until I married my husband she did everything in her power to get him to leave me for her, but he assured me that that part of his life was over, and while he would always love her, he would never be in love with her again, I hope that makes sence, because the fact that his ex still talks to him after all these years apart says to me that he is just a real good guy, and there aren't many left. Of course you should let him know how you feel and that you harbor some jealousy, but don't let it mess up what you two have, and don't make him choose. While he is more likely to choose you, as his wife and the mother of his child, he will resent you for it later, maybe you could try being friends with her as well!