I am the mother of 2 boys ages 1 and 3. For the past 2 years I have been the primary custodian. The father had every other weekend and Wednesday nights. We are now in court to get a legal plan and he is fighting for 50% custody. As far as I know the courts always default to the mother unless there is a major reason not too. Has anyone been in this situation and won or lost? Also does anyone know what it would cost to retain and atturney for a case like this? I believe both parents need to be parents. In our case I trully feel it would not be in the best interest in our children to have more time with their father. He has been a recovering alcoholic for under a year. With his AA meetings, extreemly busy work and coaching schedule, his emoptional state recovering from the alcoholism I feel the children need a healthier stable schedule.
I dont know about the how the ruling favor usually, but I do know that the retainer is usually 5-10 thousand.
L.
If I may suggest that both you and your ex consider what would be in the best interest for your children. I too, was in your situation, with one child, my 5 year old daughter. I was custodial parent. The first time, along with a very long, drawn out divorce of almost 3 years, and the cost of almost $15,000. We fought about everthing, bringing up dirt under the carpet, you name it trying to prove the other was not the best parent, and in hindsight not such a good idea for our daughter. The court did award her to me, but there was a lot of hurt feelings for everyone, including our daughter.
What I am tryig to say is, your children love both of you, and it is not their problem that two grown adults can no longer live in the same household.
The second time, when my daughter was around 13 her Dad fought custudy again, and it was again messy and costly, I think another $10,000, and I surrendered and told my daughter if she really wanted to live with her Dad, then I was going to say yes, and I became the weekend only Mom! It was much easier then. And shortly after that when she was about graduate highschool, her Dad served me papers again for money for college! Another $5,000 out the window, and he ended up kicking our daughter out, once he found out he wouldn't get any more child support from me, and that ended up in a mess too!
So, my words of wisdom is simply this......if you get along with your ex and he is of no danger to anyone, try to figure out a parent plan where you can co-parent your children, because they are still YOUR children. Your children will be mor stable and won't have any hurt feelings. Any good judge will tell you the same thing - It's what's in the best interest for your children. And you will save alot of money, and will be able to start college funds for your children, which is much more positive.
My daughter will be 20 years old in October and we have talked about that, and she wished we could have done somthing like that for.
The average retainer cost for a good attorney is about $5,000 dollars, and that goes so quickly.
If you are in Washington, contact me and I wil give you the name of my attorney. She started a new program in WA State where they try to get both parties to sit down and negotiate a reasonable parenting plan, and keeps you both out of court and keeps your costs really down. If you want to contact me, send me an email at ____@____.com luck and God Bless to you and your kids,
J. Irwin
I worked for one of the best family law attorneys in Yakima 10 years ago and a typical contested custody case was a $5K retainer minimum. That was in YAKIMA! I don't mean to scare you, but an attorney can be very expensive. Have you considered mediation to establish the parenting plan?
At this age, most courts will not give more than "guideline" visitation to the non-residential parent due to recommendations made by professionals. Are you concerned about how your children will react to this change? Are you worried about how they will feel towards you when they see dad more often? I realize that it is hard to think of your children being away from you for more than you want them to, but also consider the father.
I've seen so many different scenarios, but I am also living one right now. My husband hates that his daughter is so far away and lives with her mother. Her mother rarely considers that we only get to see his daughter on the weekends and for school breaks and part of summer vacation. In this case, we have wanted primary custody from day one, but courts generally default to the primary caregiver (i.e. Mom). We also know that this isn't always the best choice, but it is hard to argue that the father is the primary caregiver when he rarely takes/is given the option of paternity leave for more than a couple of days and is not the stay-at-home that many mothers get to be.
I wish you luck with this, but really try to work it out in some amicable way, avoid the attorneys, and do what's best for your boys...they need both parents.
I don't think that the courts automatically side with just the mother anymore. I am a stay-at-home mother to my two step-kids and their father has been the primary custodian for the kids for 5 years now. With the kids not being school age yet (so schooling wouldn't be disrupted by going to another home) the courts will probably at least consider the idea of 50/50 custody. And all of the attorneys that we have seen have been around $250 per hour, which is so expensive!! i'm so sorry!
I was in a custody situation. I won full custody of my 4 year old little boy. I spent close to $4,000 on an attorney. The retainer was $2,000. I do know the courts will not grant 50/50 without both parties being able to agree to it. I know of a really nice lawyer in Gresham. If you would like their information I would be happy to give it to you. Hope that helps.
Custody varies state by state, so I wouldn't rely on the courts ruling in your favor until you speak with an attorney.
I would not assume the courts will default to you. It totally depends on what mood the judge/commissioner is at the time of your hearing and who the attorneys know/are in with. It is a very scary thing and I am sorry to say this to you but it is what I have lived with my daughter and my ex-husband since we divorced over ten years ago. My ex-husband is also alcoholic, but in total denial, even after several DUIs including one with our daughter in the car during visitation when he was nearly three times the legal limit. You are right to want to limit his time but still keep him in their lives. That is great he is going to AA, etc. (which my ex has never done) but if you are able to keep the majority of the time then you'll be able to play more of a role in their safety if he starts drinking again or has some other issue like girlfriends who are not nice to your kids. You didn't mention if he is retaining an attorney or if you have any legal agreements in place now, both of which are huge details. I have seen cases that look so obvious go the way that makes no sense at all for ANYONE, especially the kids. 50/50 custody is getting more common and there is definitely a father's rights movement out there so I wish you the very best with your case. Do not let anyone tell you that you can settle for a particular schedule now and then change the parenting plan later. It would take an act of GOD to change a parenting plan unless both parties agree, and the reality is if both parties agree then you wouldn't need to go through the formality of changing it so stick to what you want to live with for the next 17 years as you are your boys' strongest advocate! Attorneys are EXPENSIVE and no one wins in court. If you can settle in mediation that would be way better but if you can't agree and it heads to trial there are no guarantees for anyone. Even after the DUIs and many hard core documented facts regarding my ex's problems, the only changes that were made to our plan were that he is not allowed to drink around our daughter. The problem with this is that this puts her in the role of police and telling on him and then it is your word against his because you won't be around and people in his life will likely lie for him. Then the court doesn't know what to think and if you make a big deal out of his drinking, his side will probably start making up ridiculous things about you such as you are mentally ill just to try to diffuse the negativity on him. It is VERY sad and VERY stressful to go through this. I am very sorry to say our system is very broken when it comes to protecting children and unfortunately it is what we have to work with. I would suggest an attorney you have personal referrals on. Here is one for you to research: Tara K. Richardson, Principal, email:
____@____.com - ###-###-####. I think she is good - I started to use her for round 2 but my ex-mother-in-law knows one of the partners and applied pressure to get them to force her to drop me as a client and then they served a bunch of horrible stuff on me when I had no representation. She would hopefully give you a free consult. My name is P. and she would probably remember me - you could say I referred you. I wish you the best and if you need more help you can email me @ ____@____.com.
I am not sure of your situation, but I know many in the military who do a 50/50. It can be h*** o* the kids, often having to fly to for hours to over seas bases, and new schools, to be with the military family member. I don't think any situation will be ideal, but I hope you all well.
Blessed Be
The courts do NOT "default" to the mother. That has found to be discriminatory against fathers.
The law of Washington State is "best interest of the child." It does not matter what the gender is of the parent. I've represented plenty of fathers who've received sole custody as well as 50/50 custody.
Generally speaking, 50/50 custody has been determined to be in the best interests of children but I would be a little surprised if your ex received 50/50 given what you've described. Unfortunately, the weekend visits make me very nervous. It's very unusual for a court to order over-night visits at this young of an age so I'm assuming that this is something you agreed to. Assuming these visits have been taking place regularly and he hasn't been cancelling or anything, I'd say that he's got a shot at getting 50/50 custody. His lawyer will argue that he's obviously an adequate enough parent to have them for eight overnight visits per month so it would be in the best interests of the boys to increase those visits.
You should expect to have to shell out a minimum of $2,500 for a retainer to a family law attorney. If you have evidence that he's a danger to the children, you should give that to your lawyer immediately BUT you should be prepared for the counter-attack which will be something along the lines of: "You do not feel as though he would be an adequate parent 50% of the time, is that correct? And that is based on behavior you have been observing for xx amount of time, is that correct? And, isn't it true that the boys have been spending eight (or however many) nights per month at his home for that same amount of time? So, how do you explain that your ex is good enough to keep the boys eight nights per month, but your children would magically be in jeopardy over fifteen nights? Did you report your concerns to anyone? Did you try to get visitation changed or reduced?" Etc.
This of course assumes that he has been visiting regularly with the boys AND you have not complained to DSHS, the police, or the courts.
We went through this with my stepdaughter 9 years ago. All of her bio-mom's children were taken from her by other family members because she was partying and not taking care of the children and still the court awarded her joint custody. Now, what our lawyer told us is this: It is very difficult to prove that the other parent is not good enough to be a parent, but...possession is ninth/tenths of the law. Even with joint custody - we are the custodial parent. Her bio-mom lives in another state and has never had visitation. Because we, being the custodial parents stipulated the rules and at any time you can refuse to let the kids go to see their dad. You can sit down and say: when you have gone to this many hours of rehab and you have a good job, and a place for the kids to stay that I approve of etc. THEN, you may have visitation. And I strongly recommend a lawyer. It cost us around $6,000 the first time and a couple hundred the next time when she challenged it. Document everything - and keep all your documentation. If you think the kids would not be good with him - you need to start documenting why. You can make all the rules, but you need to be able to lay them before the judge and they need to make good sense. You can't be seen as trying to bash the other parent. They see that all day long and it gets old. Be seen as the sensible one who has the best interest of all involved in mind and they will side with you. But they do not automatically side with the mother any more. You will have to fight for your children, or you will lose them. Best of luck.
D.
Dear R., I recommend that you try to settle this between you, once the courts start ruling your life its hell! The court doesn't side with the mother anymore, we can thank women's lib for that! You also have to think of the boys, as does the father, it is always best to keep them grounded to one house. If you both live in the same town and near enough so that school transportation won't be an issue the judge may very well grant joint custody. So there you have it, sorry I am sure that you would have liked different news, but you need to know that he stands just as much chance as yo do so if you can talk, you should. Good Luck, R.
Good morning R.,
I went through a similar situation just a few years ago. Of my four children two were still at home. My attorney informed me it was very likely that my ex would win the 50-50 split. It's becoming more and more the norm for children of divorce to shuttle between two households. I know families where this works very well and families where it's really h*** o* the children. I don't know how old your children are but mine were of an age to state very clearly what they wanted (without me asking). But even with that gift of age and self-advocacy the attorney bills were bad, just under 10 thousand without having to go before a judge. Mediation, which we tried first, was covered by insurance as family counseling but was an additional 5 grand. Mostly because it dragged out for 7 months.
Mediation can be cheaper when it works. Please find someone with a great deal of experience and check them out before hand.
Best of luck to you.
M.
I applaud you for your bravery as well as wisdom for asking for advice. Please check out Pre-Paid Legal (in Mamasource Business Listings) for access to professional legal counsel at a very affordable price. Good luck!
Usually when the children are that young, they don't do a 50/50 spilt. Atleast that was my experience. I had a similar battle (ugly) and his visits remained at every other weekend and one week a night. They were 2 & 3 when we split and they were 5 & 6 when the court ruled to leave things as they were. So, I doubt that you will have an issue now, you may have to revisit custody issues in 2 years. I would call around to various law firms and see if you can get an attorney with a low retainer $1,000-$1,500 is pretty cheap for an attorney. They will refund the balance if any. Or look into a paralegal that will just do the paper work and file forms properly. They are much cheaper. Look in the phone book or online for leagal advice firms or go to the court house and ask the clerks, they should be able to recommend someone. With his history and schedule, you shouldn't have trouble. GOOD LUCK
If Dad is capable of caring and raising his children, then he should have 50% custody. Shared/joint physical custody is becoming more common as reality is catching up with the courts. Dads can work and have day care, just as Moms work and have day care.... whether you're a single parent or two parent household, it's usual for all the parents to not work outside the home. There is no such thing as default. You know how you feel about missing your children when they're not in your presence, he's no different. Your sons will be richer for having both of their parents play such major roles in their lives. The problems arise when you two don't talk about expectations and rules. If you and your ex can work thru those ground rules, life will be good all the way around. I strongly suggest that you get a guardian ad liem and an attorney. Parenting plans can be complicated and acrimonious as you both want to 'win' and see the only way for that to happen is for the other parent to 'lose'. Be happy Dad wants to be there for his boys. So many kids have absentee fathers even when they live in the same house with their moms.
I don't envy the position that you're currently in. A couple of years ago custody of my, then 14 year old, daughter whom I had sole custody of for her entire life (her dad wasn't even in her life for the first 5 years) was switched to her father when my family decided to move out of state. I have absolutely no confidence that the family court systems throughout the country have the children's best interest in mind. I wholeheartedly believe that the courts are only concerned with generating more revenue. Don't be fooled into thinking that the mother usually has the upper hand because that's absolutely false. We paid our attorney $5k for our case, and I believe that's on the lower side of the scale. Anyway, I wish you the best of luck. Hope this helped.
I am sorry about your situation it is always hard to figure out that part of a divorce. My husband and I and his ex wife share 50/50 custody of his 11 year old son. the attorney was incredibly expensive and I don't think they took it in front of a judge. my husband settled before they met with the judge. 50 50 is okay if both parents have the same parenting style. it is getting harder for us because both households are so different and our son is old enough to know how to manipulate the situation. but it has been alright for the past 6 years. sorry I don't have more advice just wanted to let you know it can be done. it takes lots of work to be a success and lots of comunication. good luck for you and your children.
The courts do not default to the mother. There are women's services to help you retain an Attorney, open up the blue pages and have a pen and paper handy then start making calls and asking questions. Sounds like your ex just doesn't want to pay child support. Have a detailed parenting plan in place that specifies every last detail otherwise it will hurt you and you will have to go back to court later to have any changes made. Make sure you get physical custody. Make sure you document in a spiral note book the fathers negative behavior, so you have proof when you need it later always write time, date and place to start your entrys.
