Overwhelmed? - San Francisco,CA

The other night, while rocking my now 1-y-o daughter to sleep, I sat in the rocker and just sobbed and sobbed. My house was a mess. My body was a mess. My emotions were a mess. EVERYTHING seemed to be such a mess. And I just couldn't catch up. I adore her, but man has she rocked my world. I typed the word "overwhelmed" into the search engine on Mamapedia and your post was the first to come up. I immediately related to what you'd posted and tears just rolled down my face while I read response after response of encouragement, advice, and empathy. I would just like to say thank you for posting, and thank you to all the wonderful moms who answered. Even now, 4 years later in 2012, you've all helped another overwhelmed mom!

The chores will always be there but the special moments with your baby won't. I didn't get that at first but now I do. There are things I miss already and I find myself wanting to not miss a thing. You are one person and can't do it all so stop expecting yourself to. The other mommies gave you great advice... just breathe and take a candlelit bath.

H. - You are not alone. My son is 7 months old and I feel this way from time to time too. In fact last week was really bad for me. I know that I don't have post partum but I do know that I get the blues from time to time. One of the major things for me is that I am not getting enough sleep (what new mom does), I have to force myself to take a nap when he does, because when I do, I am a much better wife and mother. Another thing I do is go for walks and bike rides often and get together with other mommies in my area. This keeps up my social needs and allows my son to play as well. I would suggest you find one or two mommies groups so that you have activities with all of them. The other thing that might help in that is that you can do some share babysitting. Take turns with the other moms watching the kids so that you and they can get some rest.

I understand wanting to get things done around the house and I do that when I can or when my husband gets home from work. If I feel like I have slept well that night I can usually bypass a nap. I am a TOTAL neat freak and can't stand my house being dirty but I have also learned that there are more important things like spending time reading or singing with my son that are going to make all of us happier! Good Luck to you and remember, you are not alone!

Oh H. you are not alone! My daughter is almost 3 and I have been a work from home mom for the last 8+/- months. I was feeling SO overwhelmed and depressed that I started seeing a therapist. She had me list the things that made me overwhelmed and find solutions. She also gave me a book to read called "Take Time for Your Life" which has helped. I started having groceries delivered from Safeway, hired a housekeeper once a month, and do alot more crock pot meals. Remember that if you don't take care of yourself, you can't be a good mom or wife. YOU are #1 with your daughter a close second. I also am the only care provider for our daughter and have always been, even when I worked out of the house. Hang in there!
L.

H.,

You are definitely not alone! I have struggled with it and I know a lot of moms who have too. What helped me is realizing that all the housework,laundry(to a degree)and organization could wait. It is much more important to spend time with your baby,getting the rest you need, and if you can getting that time without baby to do whatever you can to replenish YOU. I know its hard to not clean or do dishes etc when the baby is sleeping or when your husband is with them-but take the time out for just yourself! It will help tremendously with your emotions and how you take care of yourself.

Take care,

Molly

It really does get better, trust me. It doesn't seem like it right now because she is still so young, but you will get a handle on things. It may take several years, especially if you have more children, but it does get better.

Right now your expectations about how much you can accomplish around the house should be set reasonably. It's not realistic to have the house spotless and still spend the quality time with your daughter (which is the priority).

I felt just like you did, but realized that I couldn't get it all done. So, I picked the most important things...the items that helped me feel better. Aside for caring for my baby, I always made sure the kitchen was clean and the cat box was kept up. The laundry piled up, the furniture was dusty and I never mopped as often as I should, but the kitchen was clean. The rest I got to when I could, but having my expectations set reasonably helped me to not feel like a failure.

It also helped me to make a small list of things I needed to do. Again, make the list reasonable and include things like grocery shopping, story time at the library, emptying the dishwasher. It feels good to cross things off a list. I bet you are accomplishing much more during the day than you are giving yourself credit for.

And don't compare what you are accomplishing during the day with other moms...maybe they aren't spending much time with their baby, maybe they have help, and maybe they are as stressed as you are. You do what works for you and if that means no chores for a few days, then that's the way it is.

Hang in there...it really does get better.

HI H.
welcome to mommy hood
the over welmmend days you have like we all have is very very hard I am a stay at mom of 4 childern and have been for the last 13 years almost 14 now
and what I have found that helps me is sitting down a reading a verse in the bible and verse the one I like is a song its psalms 100 in the king james version and never forget that when you call on the Lord he is there congrats on your baby and of the best of luck
GOD BLESS
Danielle mother of 4

Do what your budget allows to take time out for yourself whether that means hiring a babysitter so you can have a break(or if you are fortunate to have family help that would be great) or if a professional housecleaner is out of the picture even hiring a high school or college age student to do some chores around the house is money well spent and going that route will be a lot less expensive. When I was in high school I had a few cleaning jobs I found through school, there was a student job board.

I get a break once a week for about 4-5 hours (thanks to my parents) and we have adjusted our budget to allow for a housecleaner to come every two weeks to take that burden off me. I know thats not for everyone, but I was really fortunate to find someone very affordable in my area otherwise the professional services would of been too much. I am definitely less stressed now and it is soooo nice to have the whole house clean all at once. I figure the kids will both be in school soon enough someday and then i'll have the time to do it myself. But for now, they want my full attention and deserve it so its money well spent :)

Something that is absolutely crucial, is to find a good network of friends in a similar situation as you. I would absolutely recommend joining some sort of mothers club. I belong to Mothers of Preschoolers (MOPS) and it is an absolute haven for some mothers. Their web site is MOPS.com and you can find out if there is a location near you. It's a place for moms of all kinds to come together and support eachother in this wonderful adventure of motherhood. You are not alone in feeling overwhelmed. I am a mother to 4 girls (11,7,3 year old twins) and feel overwhelmed a lot. One piece of advice, is to let go of some of the little things. Having your first child there are a lot of things that we do, that are not needed. It is not necessary to sanitize everything that your child comes in contact with, this alone can take up countless hours off of your day. Sometimes when you are feeling overwhelmed, the best thing to do is get outside and go for a walk. Having the sunshine on you and a breeze is so invigorating and it gets you out of your house which in itself is overwhelming. Husbands are a great support, but there is nothing like a good girlfriend to share your thoughts with and vice versa. And remember, no one has it all together. After almost 12 years of being a mother, I do not have it all together, nor do I try to. On a day to day basis I try the best that I can do what is needed. Some days it is just to have fun with my kids, other days it means concentrating on the house or laundry a little more, and other days it is going out with my husband and spending time working on our relationship. Take it one day at a time. As mothers we just need to give ourselves a little slack and stop pushing ourselves to achieve so much. Enjoy your little blessing, they grow up too fast.

Hi H., I could really feel for you because it took me back to my first daughter and how hard it was. What I think makes the first baby the hardest is we are really also forming a new identity.Even our marrige is changeing with our new role as mom and dad. It's new to be mom and responsible 24-7 to this little person and I discovered it to be a process of becomeing selfless. Shedding a bit of my old self to fully embrase this new mommy self. With the first baby it was a struggle because I wanted to still operate the way I always had.I held my self and sense of satisfaction to an old standard that just wasn't possible anymore and it was making me unhappy . As I gradually let go of some of my old self and developed my new mommy self I became happier and a better mom. I had more to give to my baby which was the most important job I could ever do.Of course this took years and more babies to fully evolve And now as I am expecting my forth baby I am such a different person today and being a mommy is so much easier then it was with my first. I am so happy to be the mom I am .I don't miss my old self at all. So don't be h*** o* your self. You are doing a very tough job right now. But if you can give into it more and shed some of your old self it will become easier. Best wishes and may you have many more little ones. R.

Hi H.,
What you are feeling is completely normal. You are a good mom, and don't forget that. I was able to take some time off with my son, and felt exactly the way you do. Even driving my husband crazy when he would get home, since he was the only adult I really had interaction with. Gymboree has a great book of activities to do with little ones. I started planning out our days, and this seemed to help a lot more. Joining playgroups and mommy-and-me classes help too. You both need that interaction. The City of Roseville and Rocklin offer reasonable fun classes..
Good luck!!

H. - Congratulations on being new Mommy!! I have a baby girl born in September 2007 too! I also have a 3 1/2 year old son. I have not been organized since the day he was born. I do well for awhile & then I let it go again. Try not to worry about EVERYTHING being organized & take it one thing at a time. I used to break my back cleaning but now, I do one thing a day. I feel like I have accomplished something & it makes me feel better. House work & chores will ALWAYS be there but your children are only young once. My husband is amazing. He helps out with everything. We both work outside the home so it takes two. Being a Mom is a full time job. It's hard but so worth it. Just remember that even though other Moms may seem to have it together, they probably feel just like you do. Try to take it one thing at a time & one day at a time. Hope this helps!

You got some very good advice and support...I have been in the same place as you are currently. Being a new mom is hard. Everything we know, even the simplist task, changes when we have a child. Everything takes so long to do with a baby. And no matter how supportive our husbands are, they just don't get it unless they have been the primary care giver. I have a couple of things to share that have helped me.

First, is your daughter sleeping through the night? If you are not getting a good night sleep, how can you do anything? She should be able to sleep 8 hours by now. (Another topic if she is not sleeping.)

I have the Ergo baby carrier and I put my 9 month old in it all the time. When he is fussy and I need to get something done I put him on my back. I have tried many different baby carriers and the Ergo is far superior. It is worth the $100 or you could probably find one on craigs list. I wished I had it for my first child.

When my husband gets home, I enjoy pouring us a drink and relaxing with my family for a few minutes. Then I leave my children with my husband and make dinner by myself.

It is being flexible and accepting things once were important are not as important anymore. For me, it was shifting what I thought needed to be done and accepting what I could do. Somedays, I can't get to the dirty bathroom so I close the door and it will be there tomorrow.

It will get better. Enjoy your beautiful daughter!

Hi H.,

You have a lot of great advice but I just wanted to chime in as one more woman who has adjusted her life too.

It is is weird to not have the house tidy and everything smooth like it was prebaby. But as our priorities change so can our expectations of ourselves.
The one thing I had to do was get over it. I also had to stop comparing myself to my husband! I thought that he goes to work everyday, and my job is the baby. Well, it is not that cut and dry...he has no emotional stress or such huge responsibility as mommies. I am so drained by the time my hubbie gets home I just pass off the baby. And I don't allow myself to feel obligated to clean or anything. I just relax and watch them play.

Definitely find a group of moms that you can interact with and laugh with! Try Meetup.com, that's where I found the Lodi stroller friends. I have just started but it is a huge relief to have some girlie interaction!

Take it easy on yourself. I am sure you can lighten your load with some help from hubbie. Don't expect your house to be perfect. Your baby won't even know the difference, or rembmer that "boy was our house messy!" - they don't care! :)

H., you are so not alone!

For a while I subscribed to flylady.com, which is a housekeeping/organize and declutter your life "system". I quit because the gazillion emails were overwhelming, and sometimes the advice felt like it was belittling (or maybe it was postpartum hormones working their negative ways on me). It's a whole system with an almost cult-like following. My house was largely in better shape after I joined...

Three things I picked up on and try my best to do is 1- do a load of laundry a day washed, folded, and put away, 2- keep the kitchen sink clean (the theory is the kitchen is the heart of the home, and keeping it clean makes the clenliness spread throughout), and 3- break everything into 15 minute chunks of work (not racing to do it). It still surprises me how much I can get done in 15 minutes! I even set the timer sometimes. I still struggle with keeping stuff neat, but at least I feel like I am getting something done! My kids are 4 and almost 2, and I have struggled with housework since I became a Mommy.

Keep ejoying your little one: pretty soon you will be one of those googly -eyed ladies telling new mommies to enjoy the baby days because they go so fast! :)

I too have a baby born around the same time as your daughter and plus I'm a new stay at home mom too. Being a new mom IS hard and can be overwhelming but every time I look at my son, I can't believe that he's finally here and that he's mine (well ours - my husband of course). It's such a beautiful feeling and I bet you have those feelings too. Just go back to those feelings when you're feeling overwhelmed. Yes we want to get everything done and done right but it's not necessary. Take it easy and do what you can and if it's not done today, then do it tomorrow or the next. Enjoy the moments that you have with your daughter. As some one else wrote here, "they won't even notice" and it's true. They WILL notice the times that you've made them laugh or when you feed them and more. I love it when my husband is off on his weekends, that way he can help me out and plus spend time with our son. I realize too that he's tired from work and he wants a break but at the same time, he realizes too that I need a break and so it's a 50/50 job at time (and that includes housework). So hang in there and realize you're not alone.

H.,

I was a stay at home mom when my oldest son was born quite a long time ago. but i just took it a day at a time and minute by minute. don't worry if the chores don't get done 100% of the time. and remember to take some time for yourself. because we can get lost in our children and family. remember we need to keep ourselves in a peaceful state of being in order to keep our family in a peaceful state also. remember to do as much as you can and leave the rest for another day and when your daughter is napping you could either do some of the chores then or take a nap for yourself. Remember it is okay to do these things because being a mother, and wife is a very demanding job with no pay and sometimes little appreciation. Well good luck and God Bless.

V.
Tracy

Have you considered having someone watch your daughter for 1 day a week to allow you some down time. I work full-time as a teacher and have holidays and summers off with my daughter and I am definitely the most stressed out when I am home all summer with my daughter.

Hi H.,

I totally understand what you are feeling. I have a 15 month old daughter and still feel the same way as you are describing. Some days are better than others, but life is definately a challenge. I actually work full time as well, but couldn't even imagine being home all day with her. I think that would be much harder. Don't get me wrong I love my daughter more than life itself, but I am definatly not the Mother I thought I would be. Perhaps when she's a little older it will get easier. One can only hope. I say all this to let you know that you are not alone. It is exhasuting and I understand how you feel when other Mothers seem to be holding it together much more so. I don't know if you suffered from any post pardum depression (I did) but I do feel that not every Mother starts out feeling the same way. It took me a month or two to really bond with my daughter and some woman bond instantly at first sight. I think the rest of the journey of Motherhood stems from our beginning days. I started out exhausted, depressed and overwhelmed and it's been a 15month struggle to find that bliss. As she grows it is becoming easier since she's able to do more for herself, but what does help me through each hard day is reminding myself that she will never be this age again. As much as I'd like for her to be able to talk or use a fork herself etc. I try and stop myself and enjoy the fun things about how little she is today and try to embrace that. I could go on and on about how I understand what your feeling so just remember you are not alone. Take it day by day and know that this too shall pass (to be replaced by a new stage:)

One thing I can't recommend strongly enough:

JOIN A MOMS GROUP !

None of my friends had kids when I had one, so I had no one to bounce ideas or questions off of, or even say aaaack, is poop spilling up over the back of the diaper normal? (and similar icky baby questions).

The Mom's Group that I joined provided ALL of that for me. They were my anchor to sanity. (Proof that I wansn't alone, and that I actually could have adult contact on a daily basis.)

Sometimes all we needed was a good cry on each other's shoulder to relieve stress, but we were there for each other. I also found my play group through my mom's club. It was a way for us to get out of the house (which is REALLY important on a daily basis.) I found that if I didn't get out of the house at least once a day, that I would get very depressed.

I live in the Fremont area, and have the FUN Moms Club that I joined. Check Google for groups in your area.