I came across this site in doing some research on overstepping stepmom's, as I have been contending with this very issue myself and could use some support. I read what some members here posted on this topic as well as the replies they got. Oh my oh my oh my. I'm now curious as to what some of you'all would say to my particular situation.
When my ex remarried to a daycare supervisor - I was relieved, deeply relieved and happy. Yipppeee I thought; Now I don't have to worry so much about my son when he's over there at his Dad's. Her and I got along well in the beginning - up until the day of my son's pre-school graduation. I thought we were all going to sit together, but she uncharacteristically gave me the cold shoulder and ignored my existence. I later discovered that she found out my ex had cheated on her, and she had in her head that he was still in love with me. Shortly thereafter, they announced they were getting a divorce. But then 2 months after that - my ex filed for a child custody modification with his 1st ex wife for his teenage daughter, then the stepmom filed for a modification with her ex after that, then my ex then filed for a modification for 50/50 of our child against me. I think you can see what plan they came up with to save their marriage. He’s pitting her against me, made me the ‘common enemy’ that binds them.
Since then, she has lost my child while vacationing in Florida and didn’t notify me, then when I found out from my son and confronted them about it – they both blamed ME for her losing my son. My ex demands that she will be present at parent teacher conferences, so now we go separately. Any and all emails he sends to me are CC’d to her as well. She signed my son up for basketball and signed the waiver of liability – without my knowledge nor consent. My ex backs her up on everything she does 200% (going on and on and on to me about what a great wife, woman and mother she is). She ostracized me from a special event at school, by not sharing the school notice/flyer. When son had to do a ‘My Family Poster’ that was sent with him to their house – it was turned back in with not one mention of me. She ordered a school picture re-take – without my knowledge nor consent. She had me followed by one of her friends after I dropped my son off at their house – terrorizing me. They both put my son constantly in the middle – “Why won’t you Mom let you join Boy Scouts? Call you Mom and ask her if you can come and live with us.” I told them both that I do not want my son to have MoHawk: and since then he’s had 5 – the first one was sprung on me on Christmas morning when I came to pick him up. I just found out that she now is going to be my son’s classroom party coordinator for Valentines Day. No, her kids don’t go to my son’s school, no, she doesn’t live in this district, yes; she has 3 kids of her own and runs an in-home daycare right now for 13 children, two of them babies – so who knows who will be watching those kids come 2-14; nor how her own son feels about her volunteering for my son’s party and not his. ANYTHING that came from my house to theirs is damaged/destroyed/lost/swapped out for something of ‘theirs’ – then my son is told her HAS to wear ‘their’ new shoes on the first day of school, he has to wear ‘their shoes’ when he returns to them. I buy him a Halloween costume for my Halloween holiday? She takes him shopping for a better one.
Now to ME – that’s an overstepping step mother. I’m curious what your thoughts are.
WOW. Thank you all for your replies!
How is it that she could blame me for her losing my child? Ha. Good question. Actually, he blamed our then 5 year old, she then emailed me saying that if only I had cared for my son while inutero, than he would have known better than to walk away from the group. <This – is how I found out that my ex brainwashed her into believing that I have a drinking problem, and my son must be suffering from Fetal Alcohol Syndrome and that they must file for 50/50 custody. Is your skin crawling yet – or are ya’all running to the bathroom to throw up yet? It made NO sense – and the judge even said so. He said: Let me get this straight – drinking wasn’t mentioned in their original divorce, nor was it mentioned in his petition for modification, and now here we are, you’re his 3rd attorney on this case – and this is the first I am hearing about this – and he’s not asking for full custody – just 50/50? Uh huh. Still, the GAL felt remiss in her duties to not order me to an alcohol evaluation. “Mom? Yeah sweetie? What’s drunk mean? What? Where did you ever hear that word my darling 5 year old? Oh, (smom) told me you get drunk all the time – what’ it mean? And what’s a fat a** b*****? Excuse me dear, gotta make a run to the bathroom.
No Faith: she’s not beating my son and leaving him in a closet – she just brainwashed her own children to hate me which then transcends to him, and they beat him up and treat him like the unwanted step child – she encouraged her eldest to knock my son’s DS into the toilet – so no, that’s not abusing him – just his property….and she did loose him in Florida, which is not a closet. And no, using a spoon to spank my child is not beating him – but it certainly isn’t taking good care of him. Leaving him in her daughter’s care while she either takes a nap or goes out drinking at the bars while my son’s head is trust up against the wall by her daughter so hard and with such force that it left marks is not her beating him up. The daycare kids she watches and has programmed to hate me along with her children who then place a pillow over his head and push down so hard that he can’t breath is not her beating my son up – you’re right. Using Hostile Aggressive Parenting on my son is not Physical abue – your’re right – it’s just emptional abuse, no big deal. Yeah - she’s a real treat and I should thank my lucky stars, uh huh.
Co-Parenting is what’s best – I know, well; knew. Everyone has told us that. (it’s in every divorce parenting book there is). Court ordered mediators, mediation meeting after meeting after meeting, our own attorney’s (he went through 3 of them), my son’s GAL (Guardian Ad Lietum appointed to my son by the court), the school councilor, my son’s teacher, the Parenting classes, and of course my son’s therapist who has a PH.d in Child Psychology have all told my ex and the smom that what they are doing is disastrous for my son on every level. Still, they won’t listen, they won’t stop. Son’s therapist told ex to specifically not do something – ex turned around and did it as soon as he was out of ear shot. Agreements made in mediation are immediately broken by my ex. Son’s therapist then tipped me off: my ex is a narcissist. I researched narcissism till I was blue in the face; fact is there is no co-parenting with a narcissist. I’ve concluded that I am the target of malicious narcissistic abuse, and my son is their pawn.
As far as my son’s school? They will release my child to anyone either one of his joint custody parents allows them to. If I say no smom for PTC, he’ll say she can, and they will. They, just like my son’s pediatrician – do not want to get involved – and I do not blame them – they have an extremely important job to do. Yes, step parents are allowed, even welcomed to volunteer for party coordinators, the teachers are in such desperate need of volunteers. Yes, I have long since had it arranged with my son’s teacher to make two sets of everything, and hold the mom-set back when son goes directly to his Dad’s.
Still, she can only try her best and mistakes happen – I understand that.
What am I going to do? We are court ordered to go to mediation before filing any further motions with the court – and we did that just a few months ago (our recently revised parenting plan wasn’t even a year old!); agreements were made – and he’s already broken them So next is to have my attorney file a motion with the court for a ‘Parent Coordinator’, who we then submit our issues to, she mediates, and she decides what should be done, and her decision is final and becomes part of our parenting plan.
Thank you everyone for your replies and for your support.
I agree with you.
I get a lot of flack on this site about suggesting that single parents don't date (only if it doesn't involve their child at all, like on free-weekends), or re-marry until their kids are grown.
But, the result of re-marrying is often hell, mostly (and sadly) for the children involved.
I give you credit, I honestly don't think I could ever deal with that.
Take action on the clear-cut stuff. Leave the emotional blackmail stuff for another time:
1.) File a grievance with the sport association that accepted a fraudent waiver. That will ensure they do not do it again and it will eventually involve her because she knowingly signed a legal document for a minor she has no legal control over.
2.) Submit a written statement to his school notifying them that she is not his legal guardian and can have no involvement in his education decisions or progress. For example, topics discussed during conferences are private and can be protected. Also ensure she is not on any list of approved adults who are allowed to remove him from school (i.e. for doctor's appts). Now, what they cannot do is prevent her from attending special school events like a carnival or music program.
3.) Do the same with his clinic, his dentist and his healh insurance carrier. You are within your rights (HIPPA) to prevent her from attending his medical appts or requesting his files.
4.) Amend the custody agreement to document that exchanges will either be done in Outfit XYZ only or that anything on his person or in his bag during an exchange must be returned at the next exchanged with little to no damage. If not, monetary recompense will be made.
5.) Amend the custody agreement to include specific lifestyle issues that must be mediated and supervised by legal parents only (i.e. hair cuts, religious observance, sleep-overs with friends, sports, scouting, piercings, music and viedo games, movies, holiday observances (i.e. mom picks the halloween costume this year and dad the next).
6.) Work with the school to ensure a copy of all projects, assignments, events, etc. goes out in two sets (one for mom-one for dad) to ensure no more things like the "My Family Poster" happen again.
7.) Amend the custody agreement to cover communication during extended absences. For example, when on vacation in FL, child will call mom 2x a day to check in.
It's time for you and your ex-husband to have a talk either with your attorneys or with a family counselor. Just the two of you, you need to be able to set boundries and your son no matter what has to be taught to respect you as his mother. All communications between the school and the parents has to be sent to both homes, you both have the right to be informed and involved of all school activities. Maybe talk to his teacher and explain that when your son is at his dad's home you don't get the announcements of activities at school, ask if she can email you to let you know what's going on.
Yes she is over-stepping boundries!!
Bleck.
YOU are the Mom.
HE is the DAD.
That's IT.
(just reading your post makes my skin crawl, and if this were MY situation it makes me want to put my kids in the car {with or without shoes on} and drive FAR FAR away where nobody could find us)
So very sorry you have to deal with all this.....
:(
Yes, she is absolutely overstepping. And, once again, the best interest of the child is being ignored! All 3 of you should be working together to create the best arrangement for your son. I would have a conference at the school and tell them YOU are the mother and he is the father. In divorces, isn't there a custodial parent--one who can claim the child on taxes? Who is that? If it is you, then you tell the school only YOU should receive important papers, etc. Bottom line: You and ex-hubby need to work this out! It's not fair to your son or your son's school (stepmom barging in and planning v-day party).
File with the courts to demand aa stipulation that she (as the StepMother) is not allowed to volunteer at your son's school, sign ANY documentation on your child, MUST ask your permission for any changes of wardrobe, hairstyle, etc and overall - get him on every other weekend visitation.
I hope you kept proof of all these issues and her usurping your role as custodial guardian, and that your ex husband has allowed it to occur and has not stepped in.
She is not allowed to sign the waiver of liability even with your ex's permission unless he has signed something official. I am all for a step parent being a real parent to a child but she is definately overstepping. You all need to find a way to co-parent together for the benefit of your son.
*your son is being abused while in their care even if not being done directly by them. They are responsible. File a complaint with the police about your child being abused (dates, times, etc). Complain to the daycare licensing that daycare children are abusing you child while in stepmom's care. They have to investigate. File in court for emergency custody until you get a court date.
there's a lot you mentioned you can't do anything about...yeah, it's a power trip. i'd be having a long HARD discussion with "daddy" my dd's smom USED to this VERY same thing she and i had quite a few blow outs (mostly over the phone cause she wouldn't let me confront her in person)...how i took control...i moved far enough away that he would volunteer up his "during the week" visitaton...he did EXACTLY what i expected him to do, now smom has little to no interaction with my dd.....FINALLY SHE GETS IT!
I would have a hard time not knocking that B!^@#&$ teeth out!! I would definately call her an overstepping step mother..... Just reading what you wrote infuriates me. Wish I had some good advice to give you, but unfortunately, I am too mad right now.....LOL ~ and it doesn't even involve me!! I think you got some great advice from Ellis and from others as well, but I really liked Ellis' advice. I wish you the best and hope that you can get things resolved with your ex and come to an amicable arrangement. Is there an after school program that your son can go to instead of her house??
You are in my thoughts.
im a mom and step mom and my kids have step moms and dads as well. pick your battles. be happy that she is caring for your son and not beating him and leaving him in a closet. most of the things you mentioned she actually has a right to do, YOU however need to know that there is probably a school website that lists all the activities, as well as picture day, etc, so you won't "miss" out on anything. and yes, if he wears "their" shoes to your house, he should wear them back to their house. same thing for clothes and jackets. our kids come home in "our" clothes so they are not stolen like they used to be by the ex. If she wants to buy him a halloween costume even tho its your year to have him then YEAH! guess what, you don't have to!!! i think you are picking on every little thing and you really don't need to stoop to that level. be a good mom that you are, take care of your son, trust that your ex and his wife are doing the best they can at their house, and in the big picture, its likely your son will be fine. good luck.
I'm a future stepmom and reading all of your accounts are terrible. SM is definately overstepping her bounderies. Sounds to me that she is very insecure in her relationship with your ex. I probably go over board but I never interfere with my my FDH and his life that he has with his ex and son. If there are some discipline issues I never say anything to my SS. I always tell my FDH later after the fact. It is not my place. I am not the parent and I would never want my SS to think that I am replacing his mother. He has one mother and one mother only. He has asked my FDH what he is supposed to call me and it's pretty simple. Call me by my first name because after all I am just a friend. No more no less.
Sounds to me that she is trying to take over that role of your son's mother because she is trying to impress your ex with her great parenting skills. This screams insecurity and loud too!
I am a bio mom to 3 kids and have 3 stepchildren that live with me primarily. I definitely feel that in your post the S.mom is an overstepping S.mom. I have to admit that I do the same things as the s.mom in your post,(NOT any abusive behavior I mean) however she is only present at one thing in regards to the children and that's their sports games. She knows all about their Dr., dentists, orthodontists etc...and doesn't have time (due to her work schedule) to attend or take the children to these such things, so I DO it!
Also my s.childrens bio mom and new husband spend all their time drinking, and sleeping. Very long story short, in my case I am the BETTER mom for these 3 kids. There are also several reasons why she only has joint custody relating to medical, school and religion. The thing that irrutates me the most, is plays the major victim and tells everyone we dont consult her on anything. We needed to get in home therapy for the youngest whom has ADHD and learning disabilities and she denied him the visit saying their isn't anything wrong with him, when clearly he was diagnosed by a counselor and child psychologist.
in a nut shell, I think that if your a great active, loving, supportive, mature bio mother then you def. deserve all the benefits of excising that with your children. If your not, then the children have the right to be taken care of by their loving s.mom who will give them a loving meaningful life.
Good luck to your situation, your children's s.mom sounds like a jealous, insecure, control freak...
