Overprotective and Driving Me NUTS!!

First of all I understand where you are coming from but chill out a little. Give them a break they are first time parents and the baby is only 7 weeks old they have not really had a lot of time to get used to how much their lives have changed yet. While I was not like this with either of my kids i do know people who were and they got past the everything has to be perfect thing within 4 months at the most. Just give them some time and if that is the way they want to be with her she is their child and that is their choice.

I too have a younger brother that acts the same way. My first nephew, who is now 8, was overly protected as an infant. Nobody was allowed to watch him and my brother and sister-in-law took him everywhere. He is now 8 and will not hug people and will not kiss people. He has to go everywhere with my brother and sister-in law. He has friends in school now that are asking him over for sleep-overs and they won't even allow it. To me I have learned to accept it along with my parents and my sister-in-laws mother. It is very hard as I looked forward to having nieces and nephews that I could spoil but it didn't work out that way. They now have a 2 year old little boy and aren't as overly protective of him.

Not much you can do really except let them get on with it , one day when they have a child that will not go to anyone else willingly and is with them 24/7 and they cannot even go to see a movie , THEN they will realise there mistake. I really cannot explain what happens to some people when they have a child , they kind of lose the plot a little and think that there baby is unique and no-one except them know what they baby wants/needs....I am very happy to say I was never like that and loved being able to have my parents or sister look after my kids (even the first born) , even for 30 mins so I could go to a store by myself.

Hahahahahahahaha! I had to laugh out loud when I read this. It is so very typical of lots of new parents. They read the books and now they are experts. Now that they have this book, because of course it's the best book ever and the people who wrote it are brilliant and should be sainted, they have no reason to listen to another living soul.

It is frustrating, for sure, but I promise it will get better. They will eventually run into a whole host of things that aren't in that book and when they do they will start calling the real experts. Just bide your time.

In the meantime, consider the fact that, as the older sister, you are collecting years worth of material with which to rag on your baby brother about. This is a gold mine, Mom!

I would use the free time I have because I'm not reading the world's best parenting book and making a list of everyone's parenting deficiencies to come up with questions to ask him that AREN'T in that book so that every time you talk to him you can casually lob a few his way. For instance, "what does the book say to do when she shoves a bean up her nose?", "what are you supposed to do when she wakes up in the middle of the night because she is sure she has a bug in her ear", "what does the book list as the best product for getting poop stains of the carpet because her diaper leaked?", "Have you done a black light inspection of all the areas of your house to check for stains or fluids that might be 'unsanitary'?" That last one is sure to send them into a tail spin.

My husband was crazy when our daughter was born. I had two kids from a previous marriage and one day when our little girl was starting to crawl I put her on a blanket on the floor and left my husband to watch the kids while I went to the store. When I came back my house was destroyed, my boys had gotten into all the food they could find, there were toys everywhere and there was my husband looking like he had been through WWII, sitting next to my daughter who was still on that blanket. He had spent the whole time making sure she stayed on that blanket "for her safety", to the exclusion to everyone and everything else in the house. While the world fell apart around him, he kept that baby on the blanket. Didn't occur to him to let her crawl, pick her up, or do anything else. I put the baby on blanket so she was staying on the blanket. I had to laugh.

Just laugh, Mom...laugh and plan.

L.

This is an extremely common reaction to becoming a first time parent. Time will mellow them a bit, but they will resist strongly any effort to change their behavior, just as you resent their attempts to change your behavior. Don't take it personally, or allow your resentment to result in fighting. Don't worry about getting to know your niece - it will happen in its own way, and it will be a different relationship than you have with your brother, simply because she's not your sibling. Hang in there!

I am rolling on the floor too Lisa!

How about, "what do you say to the school nurse who wants to know how your child got cat litter up her nose?" And do you just re-paint after they use the art suplies they make in their diapers to make a poop mural, or do you need to use primer first?" What do you say to the teacher when your daughter describes (incorrectly-let your mind run wild) the suppository situation that kept her home for a few days...LOVE IT.

My mother did a historical study once and read child care books over a 70 year span to see how the events and attitudes of the time effected "expertise." It is so funny. Babies have not changed one little bit, but our attitudes warp what we think they need. I kind of wonder just what is warping this generation. Could it be 9-11? I think maybe they are trying to control their worlds a little. They are so concerned about what time to send them to kindergarten (er, howabout when it is time?) or when to give them vaccines (um, playboy bunnies know so much more than doctors, why?) Don't get me started on "My Baby Can Read" (no, your baby is a baby...)

Anyway, I am almost 50, can you tell? What warped us...Disco?

M.

I used to drive my mom crazy with the things I knew were right based on what I had read with my first born. She would laugh at me and it would hurt my feelings. Then I woke up one day and started listening to her because trying to keep up with the paranoid parenting was wearing me down. I was having trouble with nursing, with getting my baby to sleep, with all of the other things first time mommies are clueless about. It's unfortunate that he is turning to a book instead of listening to experienced parents, but it is what it is. Some of the "times have changed" things make sense-- like we didn't used to have to wear bike helmets or even seat belts much less car seats, and now I can't imagine my kids without them. If my mom or mother-in-law or any other experienced parent told me that when I was a baby they just threw me in a basket in the back seat and I turned out just fine, of course I wouldn't listen to them --- so it's hard for new parents to sort out if what you are saying is sound advice or nuts. He is this child's parent, so you need to respect how he wants to raise her, however sheltered it is. You (rightfully so) don't like it when he tells you how to parent your kids, so allow him to parent his as he wishes. When he tells you that you are doing things wrong, say OK and then do it your way. Don't give him advice, because obviously he doesn't want to hear it, and the more you throw your credentials at him the more you will just seem like a know-it-all and the more he will NOT want to listen to you. There is absolutely nothing under the sun that will change him other than experience and time. One day he will look back and laugh at the way he was with her as an infant, but for now you need to just ride it out. Once she becomes a toddler, he will want her to be around family. For now, wear gloves and a mask and help him wrap her in bubble wrap!

I am male, 62, no children and "the baby" of three siblings. My brother, 8 years older and first born, was as you described your youngest brother when he and his wife raised their two boys. I was at the emergency C-section in Africa the day it rained 7 inches and it took a long bumpy ride to the hospital floating through flooded intersections in the night and her several hours of fruitless labor. Because she had a long recovery from surgery, I personally cared for the first born for more than a month while my brother did his medical mission to eradicate smallpox and inoculate for measles.

In my experience, which included 20 years listening to my mother lament my brother's over-the-top care and protection of his children, tells me that it was not a function of birth order but one of a very strong desire to be right, self-guiding and a perfect parent. When children grow into adulthood, there is often an obsession with going your own way and proving to everyone (who have always tried to sway your thinking and convince you of the errors of your ways) that you have it right for you and yours (so leave me the **** alone).

You are an adult woman, but not more of an adult than your brother. You simply have more experience, and your own personal experience at that. Your are a degreed teacher, but you don't bother to spell check. As a teacher, you must also know that one's own experience is the real teacher in life. As a teacher, you can only influence, cajole, love, badger, suggest, etc. You cannot actually do for someone that which they must do for themselves, or they won't learn. (Give them a fish or teach them to fish? Life is in the verbs.) You want to tell and show your brother how you are right and he is wrong, and he has suffered this syndrome for years simply by being last born. As adults, learning is the responsibility of the learner. Teachers can only help the willing learn.

Let it go. Stop being an expert mother, teacher, big sister or whatever your wagging, nagging finger makes your younger brother feel like. Learn to ask leading questions, such as, in a loving, caring and curious way, "What else does your book say?" and "How did your body build its immune system?" When he has his next child, he will soften and relax anyway; all parents grow tired and less vigorous in raising subsequent children. But for this first child, he will grow up knowing he must be first, be responsible, and take the advice (always) of his parents until that day he can break away from the family yolk and oppressive, cloying influence and do it his own way too. Life is a cycle, and hopefully an upward one. That's why the Frank Sinatra song hits home with so many people: "I did it my way."

LOL I know this is hard for you but let me present the other side. I'm in in 20's and a first time mom to a baby girl. I am also pretty protective. I don't like random kids touching my baby, I don't like her around animals that aren't mine, and I don't have an "open door" for just anyone or everyone who wishes to come see her whenever they want. I also don't take advice from anyone that doesn't currently have a small baby. (My mom tried to tell me to feed her carrots at 6 weeks and my doctor freaked out) So i get the bro's feelings. I also have a few family members that aren't allowed to see the baby without my supervision for various reasons. Is there anything that might possibly be keeping your brother from thinking you are trustworthy? Perhaps you should be straight and speak to him about it.

Us over protectives know that is will be different with our second child and that we can't save them from every little harm, but we also feel better kowing we are trying our hardest.

Just to put this into perspective how protective were you when you had your first? This is their first baby and they have never had the opportunity to nurture, protect, and care for a baby of their own before. Being a bit overprotective is quite common in this day and age given that we are basically bombarded with negative messages of what can go wrong. It sounds like you are taking direct offense to their behavior as if they are talking about your parenting or even taking over your role as the "child specialist", but the truth is that it has nothing to do with you or your mother or anyone else in your family. They have worries and concerns about their child and they will eventually relax a bit and learn that things happen even to the most careful amongst us. They have the right to discover parenting just like you did being the oldest and most experienced. Try to consider this from their point of view and let them learn to become the parents they will be, I assume you were afforded the same opportunity. Good luck.

Here are two choices:
1) Wait patiently until they have a 2nd child hoping they will lighten up.
2) Send them a link to your Mamapedia Post!

Good luck!

S.

HAHAHA, I LOVE your post! I do not have your education but have worked in various settings with children of all ages and types until a few years ago. I also have 3 fantastic teenagers. I will no longer work with kids since it began to occur to me that parents, educators, caregivers, administrators, but especially PARENTS have become so incredibly UPTIGHT about all things kids (did I mention parents?)! Honestly it's just NOT that DIFFICULT! It seems child-rearing had become so COMPLICATED it's amazing the human race doesn't cease to exist! Why can't we all just relax and ENJOY the process of childhood? Still, one can reasonably expect new parents to be somewhat on edge and a little nervous........a beautiful new baby seems SO helpless and vulnerable. I hope you can keep your obvious great sense of humor Auntie and cut them a little slack, you and your kids are daily evidence to your brother and his wife that everything's gonna BE OK!

I don't want to hurt your feelings, but you did ask for "help". So here's my help: Back Off.

Your post sounds like you rather resent not being considered "the OLD Child Specialist of the family". Your post is more about YOUR credentials than about your brother and his family.

I understand that you have been there and done that. So does he. But he (and probably his wife) don't want to know all about your experience. He and his wife want to experience it all for the first time on their own terms with it being magically new. Their child isn't in any danger. They are brand new parents and they want to experience that to the fullest with all of its wonder. Don't spoil that for them. Be happy that they are so interested and involved with their new baby! Of course their book/bible doesn't address lots of common concerns that will crop up. But so what?! They are adults. They'll figure those other things out, just like you did: Either with their own smarts or by asking a trusted person for some advice about the situation. The key here, is that THEY will ASK.

You may not remember the days back when you had your first baby, but I do. My children are already 9 & 12, but I STILL remember ALL the unsolicited advice about how to do everything. And I resented every bit of it. If I wanted to know something, I ASKED. If I didn't ask you, then keep your trap shut. I, too, was the "baby" of my family, and after years and years of being the last one to experience everything, you really don't want to be made to feel like you are stupid about raising your own baby. So get a grip dear, and go along with whatever rules they are going by, or you will be left out. And rightly so, imho.

If they don't want the baby at your mom's house because of the dog. So what? I didn't either. My son was crawling all over the carpets and there was this drooling germ infested unwashed creature just waiting to lick him in the face. And every surface he touched was contaminated with germs from the dog and his toys. Well... we now have an inside dog ourselves... and I love her SO much. But you know what? I don't get offended if someone with a small child visits and doesn't want them down on the floor. It really can get dirty. I understand. And I won't be offended if they don't want to come to my house with a small child. That's their choice.

So take a deep breath, sit back, and let your brother become a parent. This is HIS gig, not yours. Let him figure it out on his own. It is not any reflection on you. It is your brother making a statement that he is all grown up now and can do things for himself. Don't hover over him, just congratulate him and his wife on their beautiful baby and ask lots of questions about how she is growing! Do NOT follow it up with advice about what comes next or what to watch out for. Just listen and offer to be available when they are ready to go out alone on a date for a few hours. If you critique their every move now, they will not feel comfortable leaving her with you later. And you WANT to be involved... so be the kind of person that makes THEM want that too!
Cheers~

PLEASE forward your question and the reply's you receive to your brother!!! It may actually be an eye-opener for them! Babies love to experience new and interesting things, especially all of their new family before they find themselves left all alone with their own ways! They are oblivious alienating the whole family! Parenting is a blessing to be shared!!! I hope you paste & forward this to them so they may see themselves. The old verse, it takes a village to raise a child is still true today!! May God guide & bless you ALL...
In my prayers,
Kathy N.

The much larger issue here is one of respect. You may not agree with how your brother is raising his child, but as long your niece isn't being harmed, she is not your child to have any say about. Once you respect the wishes of your brother and his wife, without debate, you may find they open up more. Keep your advice to yourself unless solicited.

Don't take it personaly that they think their "new" ways of parenting are better, it has nothing to do with you. Most new parents are going through a ton of new emotions, including proving to themselves and others that they are fit for the job. When other people keep pointing out how to do something differently, the message being sent is "your not doing it well enough". Can you blame anyone for avoiding that message on a regular basis?

As the oldest sibling you may want to take the lead and focus on the positives when you visit; "oh she looks so healthy", "I really like . . . ", "oh that's different, tell me more about it . . .". By being supportive and interested, later you may find they ask for your advice.

they have baby first years book. yeah it's the bible.
i don't think you can do much. they need to come on their own to the realization that their behavior is nuts
but see i am that nutty too. i don't like my kids go anywhere without me, even at their age, nor do i trust dogs. i don't trust anything that has 4 legs, or no legs. i am not the know it all though and i am first to admit it.
but if you try to talk to me to change my ways i get defensive. i only know my way. i think they feel the same way. they know what works for their child.
too bad that they are depriving that little girl of so much love. wish i had my SIL wanting to see my kids. eh. life. what can you do

I have to say I laughed at your update and calling out the Mean Girls. Every time I post a question I prepare myself for them. Maybe they should have their own site...Mean Mommies...and leave the the Nice Girls alone :) Enjoy the baby and good luck. I have a friend who has a sister is law who is crazy with the baby...overprotective, germs etc, won't bring her to family's houses, etc, and the kid is nearly four and it hasn't changed and now my friend has no contact. I hope it doesn't come to that for you.

I agree with the other posters; they are probably just having a really hard time adjusting to life with a new baby. It's entirely possible that mom is suffering from PPD and anxiety. I know I went a little off my rocker after my daughter was born, and I think a little of my crazy rubbed off on my husband (I wasn't that bad, but you know what I mean). I have a friend whose husband, on the ride home from the hospital, looked at her and said "Everyone on the road drives like a lunatic!" Perspective just changes. And I know you know that, but it just doesn't feel as immediate to you.

My advice is to offer as much non-judgemental support as you can for your brother and his wife. In a little while (weeks, months) they will calm down and you will no doubt be a much needed source of advice. When they tell you you're doing something wrong, deflect. I know my in-laws got driven crazy by some of the things I did with my daughter, but no amount of "attitude" was going to make me change my mind. They all have a great relationship now, so no lasting harm done.

Good luck.

Lol, wow how frustrating. The unfortunate truth is that although it sounds like your brother is being pretty unreasonable ( I think most teens are safe at a 'beach party'- don't rethink your plans, lol!) he is THE DAD. You have to just give in and realize that they are going to do things their way, at least at first, and it is not worth creating a major family fight over.

Also, IME, this too shall pass. Right now Baby is new and a little scary and they have all those great ideas from a great BOOK - but experienced mamas know what your brother and his wife have not yet learned: LIFE NEVER GOES BY THE BOOK!

Sooner or later, they will need advice on something that the Baby Book doesn't cover. Or they will need a babysitter or help when they get the flu, etc. and auntie and grandma will be there, waiting and ready to help out!

Hopefully they will lighten up and not be such 'helicopter parents' - hovering and worrying all the time. Right now, just make sure they know you are available and happy to help and give them a little time to get less nervous :) Congratulations on the new addition to your family!

I know that since this is their first they want to do everything perfectly. I have seen so many parents do this. I'm sure that they will realize the craziness of their ways. I'm sure they will learn many valuable lessons from this and look back and laugh at themselves. I can't tell you when this is going to happen. I can guarantee anything anybody says is not going to help!

Get a grip- she is their baby not yours. They are new parents, and are finding their own way with THEIR baby. Maybe if you were not trying to be such a know it all and granted them some space that they are doing their baby their way.
Back off.
best, k

Hi, realizing they are new parents and they are trying to learn by a book is a good thing. Unfortunately, in real life not everything will be in that book. That's where you and your mom should come in. I'd remind them that things they will encounter will not be on a page of black and white letters. I also remind them - you have one up on them. Two teens and you've been through it all. As we all know, there is no such thing as "perfect parenting" . Time will eventually reveal that. Good luck and best wishes.

If you want to see your neice and form a relationship with her, you will have to do it on there terms.

I would just bite my tongue. When she's older, you will definitely be the fun aunt.

You may feel as if you should be the childcare expert, and maybe they are warding that off with their actions. Also, it sounds as if you're used to being the bossy older sibling and expect the baby boy to do what you say. They may be reacting to that as well. You don't say how old your niece is, but first time parents are weird. It's normal. Also, if the child is newborn, many people wouldn't have their newborn around TWO dogs.
I would suggest that you respect their wishes for their daughter, and let them be the boss of her. Once they see you falling in with their wishes, they will most likely trust you more.
Not saying this is you, but often someone can have a baby and have ideas about how to raise it, and an older person comes in saying, give them people food at 3 months, it never hurt my kids, or stuff like that, and it's really annoying when you hear the doctor say, 'Only breastmilk for 6 months, then start maybe rice cereal,' and the older person thinks they know better and argue with you.

I have two words...DEVELOPMENTAL DELAYS! That situation has that written ALL over it! The newer ways of raising children delay them faster then your head can spin like putting them on hteir back and stuff like that. A child has to experieince the world, fall, get snapped at by a dog, touch something hot etc. If they are going by their dr and the book, their child is in BIG trouble.

There are millions of Childcare books out there. Find one that incourages social interaction and send it to them...Not only will they ruin any chances of you and your Mother getting to know the child it will destroy the child also if they continue to keep her from everyone and everything. Maybe you should copy all of the replies you get from MamaSource and send them to your brother and sister in law....What they are doing is insane and they need someone to help them understand it.