Overbearing In-laws!

Daily letters are a bit, but I do understand he just wants to be part of his grandchildren's life. that every day he's thinking of his grandchildren, is that really wrong? Seeing them every month, is that really wrong? buying them gifts? My parents are very close to my kids. I had the first boy in the family and my dad has a very close tie with my oldest son. I LOVE IT! The other day, my dad was upset because my son doesn't talk to him like he did when he was a little boy, he said, I tried to asked him questions how his trip was, but all I got was "fine". Both my grandpa's are still alive, and I LOVE seeing them, although it's not too often, since I live in Texas and they live in Illinois. I only have one of my grandmas. I remember spending time with them, dressing up, having tea parties when I was little. No one can take those memories from me.

I do understand boundaries, but what you've wrote, I don't think there is anything wrong with what grandpa wants. Hopefully, everyone can come to a better respect for each other.

Hi C.-

I think you are wise to let Hubby deal with his parents. You will have your hands full with a new baby and recovering. I would ask Hubby to make sure his parents stay at a nearby hotel when they visit the first few times.

When you break it down, visiting 1x a month, weekly books photos and gifts and daily letters doesn't seem that bad to me. Be thankful for the distance between your households. Imagine if they lived across town. Monthly visits would be daily.

I would try to figure out a way to work with FIL since I doubt he'll change his ways. Ask that his daily letters be in the form of an email. That way you can save them in a file on your computer and print them for your daughter when she's older. The extravagant gifts could be in the form of savings bonds. Or suggest that until she's old enough to appreciate the gifts, he use the money he would have spent and open a college savings account for her.

Be prepared though, for him to be completely different towards your daughter than he is towards his grandsons. I've seen it happen a few times where all the attention is showered on the eldest grandchildren and the rest get somewhat ignored.

Honestly, I would be grateful that there are so many people in your daughter's life who love her so much. Both my parents and all my grandparents died before my children were born. Fortunately, my Hubby's parents and step parents have filled the gap but I would give anything to have a stack of letters from my parents written to my daughters obsessing over how much they love them.

Is your husband a Christian too? are his parents? If so your husband needs to focus on the "leave and cleave" verse. When you marry according to God's word you are supposed to leave your parents and cleave to your wife. We had problems like this as well. Once we went through counseling (for a different issue) and this subject came up I was hostile about my in-laws always interfering in our lives especially with the children. Once my husband realize God says this is the way it is supposed to be then he stepped up and laid down the law with his parents. It was such a huge relief...I have a much better relationship with my IL now. Please read this link I sent you. Praying for peace for you .www.marriagemissions.com/leaving-your-parentsx-to-cleave-....

Oh wow! Does my FIL have a secret family south of town?
I'm sorry-I know it's not funny. It's very, very frustrating.

I don't have a lot of advice because I am blessed in 2 ways w/in my situation.
DH and I are completely on the same page.
And FIL has his favorite "golden" grandchild-and that child does not belong to me.
Maybe since there are other grandchildren involved...it will help your situation too. I hope.

I will tell you to always trust your mama gut.
My IL's have done a lot of the raising of the other grandchildren. And I get pressured that they want to do the same w/ my kids. But I am the mom, and it's not gonna happen.
My oldest is 6-they have eased up over the years-because they know I won't budge.

As a Christian, I'd encourage you to be in prayer that your DH has eyes to see the truth.

While it's nice to say "what's wrong w/ a grandpa wanting to spend time w/ his grandies?"-sometimes it's just a toxic thing.

And if you could see the relationship I see (between FIL and niece)...there would be no question that it is sometimes not a good thing. :(

I'll try and remember to keep you in my prayers!
And exactly what Jessica V. said!!! :)

If you are a Christian and believe in submission to your husband then you should read the Bible where the patriarch's all more or less were in charge at some points and lived together in peace. Families that love each other enough to want to see your child and send letters, etc. to me is just letting you know they love your child. Maybe it is a bit overboard to write every day but I think you could read it and say Grandpa sent this and then go on with the day. Your attitude will affect so much of how this is taken and how much impact it has on your child. Being a grandmother it is hard for me to understand all this 'boundary' stuff these days. If you love each other just say that and then say how you feel kindly and go from there. If the FIL is truly out of line that is up to your husband to deal with since it's his father. I would tell him again your fears when they come up and let him handle it. Then back off and just let your child enjoy the grandparents and vice versa. The more you interfere the more issues will be down the road as a result. This doesn't sound to me like something that will actually 'hurt' the child or family. Learn to share your child, minimize the things you feel are obsessive, cling to your husband.

Sorry to have to tell you this, but you're in for years of heartache! I've dealt with pretty much the same thing and the only reason it's gotten any better is because my kids are old enough now to make their own decisions and they've realized for themselves what kind of people their grandparents are. My husband wasn't much help; we had many fights about it and finally I just gave up. I quit visiting with them and let him and the kids go so I wouldn't have to deal with any of it. They finally got the message when I never invited them to my house; I was sick of it. As for the gifts, I know you're not ungrateful. In my case, they wouldn't listen to me as to what they actually wanted and/or needed, or what size they were, etc. I also gave up in that department and just gave the stuff to Good Will.

You really need to have a serious talk with your husband and set down the rules; doesn't mean being disrespectful to his parents, just setting boundaries. I know what you mean about being a Christian woman but even that has its limits in just how much you should have to tolerate!!!!

Good luck!!!!

Anyway you can move out of the country?

And look, I totally understand this guy gets under your skin but try to not let the things that aren't of significance bother you. Books every week? That's great. You'll need some more bookshelves it seems! You went into this baby thing with eyes wide open. You've seen him with his other grandkids and you've been married 12 years. None of this is news. Your instinct is going to be to put barriers up all around that child, but the truth is that you can't and you especially can't without causing a world war. So...? Don't dig your heels in but DO figure out where your line in the sand is. The more disagreeable you appear the more you will appear to be the opposite side of the same coin. Concede a little, be as gracious as you can and turn over a new leaf with this relationship, in other words, try to be a little accepting in the ways you can afford to be so that your wishes will hopefully be respected in other areas of the dynamic.

He sounds like he goes way overboard and that would annoy me to pieces. However, he is the grandpa. He's obviously a proud grandpa. I think this is a good problem to have. At least he loves his grandkids that much instead of the other way around. Let your daughter enjoy the gifts and visits. If he sends a letter every day, you don't HAVE to read it to her. If your hubby wants to then so be it. I wouldn't let this "problem" bother you too much. Congrats on your new baby!

There has to be balance - they cannot come over unannounced because that is not appropriate. Plan visits. Unless FIL is dangerous or evil, you may have to put up with him a little. Also, your child lives with you. You will teach her how to deal with grandpa as she grows up.

Re. the "submission" thing and that bible verse, per your situation - verse 31 is “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” - so hubs needs to cut the cord a bit and honor his wife. It's a balance. They do need boundaries, but at least they live far away!

There are books on the market called Grandparent books. It's like a fill-in-the-blank autobiography for the grandparent.

Also, I have journals I am keeping for each of my children. I will hold onto them until some time I feel is appropriate to pass them along.

You could also get your in-laws a lovely, decorative, storage box. Or maybe a hope chest? Give it to them empty and ask them to fill it with letters, journals, gifts of a lasting nature that they will want their grandchild to have. Tell them they would be doing you a great favor by holding onto this until your child is old enough to take care of it and appreciate its contents.

So many things tend to get ruined in a house with small children. It really is much more practical this way. And saves on a lot of postage. :-)

In my situation, I am the over-board grandmother....no other grandparents. I have an almost 10yo grandson. Basically he is my eyes to my future....if you get what I mean. He keeps me on my toes and makes me feel young again....and I have someone to focus on. I am just saying, wh.en you are a senior...you don't have alot to do and there is alot of boredom I love him dearly and I am way overboard on everything I do for him. My daughter and son-in-law have no problem with it...they understand me and would never inhibit me from doing anything and everything I want ....they are only having this one child so that is it for me as far as grandchildren. I do all kind of special things with him without his parents.....I want him to remember me when I'm gone. I always get a greeting kiss from him and a goodbye kiss...it is very special to me. If you are having a hard time understanding this...just wait....you will get your chance!

I feel that your feelings are very important and that you and your husband are developing YOUR family and the boundaries need to be made NOW. DO NOT let this overbearing man make you uncomfortable. You have already seen how far its gone with your sis in laws family and you know how she feels. Do not let that happen to you. Protect YOUR child and YOUR family.

Because you're a christian you think submission to your husband is important? I'm probably the wrong person to answer this for you then but here goes it.. You're upset that you FIL sends too many gifts and shows too much love for his grandkids?? Seriously? I get that his way might not be a way that you are comfortable with or even used to but what's wrong with him sending books, gifts and letters? Have you ever thought that he wants the letters kept because he's coming to terms with his own mortality and he wants a record of his love? My MIL sends my daughter emails all the time, to him letters are his version of emails I'm sure. I know so many people who WISH their parents and in-laws loved their kids that much and showed them that much love.. It sounds more like you have some underlying issues with him. Please don't take that out on your kid.. And your husband is right, he has every right to send him whatever gifts he wants and show his love however he knows how to. Now the visiting thing needs some boundaries only because you do get to have a big say in it. We're moving to WA (2500 miles from where we are now) and my mom and dad are SO close to my kids, we're moving March 31 and they already have 2 trips planned, one in may and one in july... is my husband crazy about it? Heck no but he gets to suck it up because it's my parents and they want to see their grandkids. Granted they buy all the food when they visit and help a ton with the kids. My advice to you is what I tell my husband.. they're gonna be around for a while so suck it up and get over it.. You don't have to deal with it every day so move on. If it is something you will have to deal with daily (phone calls, letters etc) just delegate that to your husband to handle that way if he gets tired of it then it's HIM who's setting more boundaries. You obviously have no issue with submission so if there's one thing you SHOULD submit on it's this. You gave no instances in where you thought his "obsession" was anything other than love so be grateful that your kid isn't even here and he already has all this love around him! And do some soul searching.. figure out what your problem is with the in-laws and find a way to get over it, if you don't the only person it's gonna drive crazy is YOU. Good luck mama!

Submissive!!??!!?? What hapened to partnership between husband and wife.

Your FIL sounds fairly normal to me. I do not believe he is a narcissist. He is not trying to destroy his children's relationships to their children -- He is trying to forge one of his own.

I have 4 grandchildren -- I spend a lot of time with them. I give them gifts when I want to because I love them. If I am shopping and I see something one of the kids would like and it's reasonably priced I buy it. Sometimes I keep it until a holiday or birthday sometimes I give it to them right away. Sometimes I take them on day trips -- the parents don't always go along -- they need a break too.

If you live submitting to your husband in all decisions and raise your daughter in that environment you do not get to be the one in your family who makes decisions. Your husband will decide how to deal with his Dad and it sounds like he already has.
You need to just submit to what he wants because that's your Christian belief right?
Successful marriage is a two way street, sometimes the husband submits to the wives wishes and sometimes it's the other way around. In issues between inlaws there should be no contest. In marriage your husband should be loyal to you over his Dad every single time. If what his Dad is doing bothers you your husband should back you up, not his Father.
I think it's ironic that with your beleif system you are having trouble with the patriarch of your extended family being narcissistic and overbearing. His wife runs around backing him up and I'm sure submitting to him. You have an example of where your beleif system concerning marriage will take you. Is that really where you want to go? What about your daughter, do you want her to submit to her future husbands wishes too?

There is really only one thing you can control - how often he visits. You can't stop him from send the daily letters, although you don't have to read them or even keep them. You also cannot do anything about the extravagant gifts other than to present them to your child when you believe it is appropriate and not just on grandpa's whim.

I would, however, limit his visits to once every six months and then he has to stay at in a hotel.

oh i hear you! i wouldnt keep every letter they send, card etc. maybe put all the photos in a shoe box. tell them that you are happy for them to visit but they need to respect your family time. your husband needs to tell them to lay off a little. being christian and obeying your husband doesnt mean you have to be miserable. you and your husband need to reach an understanding. i dont believe grandparents should be able to do as they please. i think distance is a good thing. then theres no "hey we were just in the neighborhood"

i have inaws that try to do as they please with our daughter because we live with them. my husband do our best to put a stop to it. because it got to the point my daughter would get down right dissrepectful and i couldnt have that.

Submission is just a nice way of saying " I keep my mouth shut cause its his way or the highway'. Here's the thing, this is your child! This baby is yours!!!! You need to protect that baby and do what you feel is best. I think you need to give it a try and find a common ground. I'd say something like "I want the FIL/MIL to be in the baby's life and think its so sweet that they are so loving and want to the spoil the baby with gifts. My only thing though is that you and I, need to have ALOT of one on one time with this baby, so I disagree with the grandparents coming as often as they want, we need our own space and privacy. Im sure they will respect our boundaries though, I just think this is something we need to discuss.This is our home and if you are telling me that they can come whenever then thats not really fair to me, the baby or us".
BUT, You do need to really think about this whole situation because, you are pregnant. Which means you are emotional and sometimes pregnant women get a little crazy and your emotions are running high. I hate to say it but its very true. Im sure this will all die down and its really not too big of a deal as it is, its just your pregnant and I think thats a big part of how you are feeling, everything is heightened.
What I've learned in my experience with MIL's is you have to learn to pick your battles properly. I think its fine the grandparents come and shower the baby with gifts, you are going to need a few nights out and it wouldnt hurt for them to form a comforting bond, so when you do get a break and they are in town, you are comfortable with leaving the baby to the Grandparents. So just re-think everything.

personally i think the monthly visit and the gifts are all normal.. however daily letters seems a bit much and kind of strange.. i cant say much.. growing up my dads mother insister that she come over every sunday for a few hours to see me .. my mom hated ti we could never plan anything for sundays which sucked becasue my dad workd construction and worked about 50% of his saturdays so it was a pretty big inconvenience but my mom never said anything .. her parents lived across the street and i actually think i saw them less then my other grandma... i duno i feel like u really cant win in this situation... doesnt ur husband think a daily letter is slightly rediculous.. cant he just tell them u gus love them but its a bit too much

I suggest that you're worrying about something that might not happen. Yes, he does that with his grandsons. That doesn't mean he'll do it with your daughter. I suggest that the more you fight that possibility the more likely it is to happen. It turns into a battle of wills. Go along with it and see what happens.

Actually, monthly visits and weekly gifts of books sounds reasonable. You don't have to do anything with his letters. Put them in a shoebox and forget about them.

My grandchildren live in town. I see them several times/week. I work WITH my daughter and her husband so that I'm not too involved. I suggest that if you could find a way to work WITH you in-laws this could be an acceptable thing.

Ask God to take away your dislike and show you how to love your father-in-law. Love will make this relationship much easier.

Interesting first ever question!

Yeah, sometimes my in-laws are more overbearing with my kids then I would like them to be (especially in the gift department) and wanting to piggyback on anything we do with them for the "first time"- we've had to put our foot down about that, sometimes things are just for the nuclear family, like the first trip to Disneyland etc. The thing about the notes sounds really weird but one time my MIL gave my daughter a giant tote bag from some vacation they went on with a note tucked in saying this is her bag from the island, when my daughter turns 20 they will take her on a vacation there, yada yada... sorry, but I am not keeping that bag for 20 years. (My daughter was maybe 2 at the time? No interest in a beach bag).

Anyway, yeah, it makes the grandparents happy. You just have to live with it. Took me a couple years to adjust to that feeling, just smile and nod, save the battles for when you REALLY have to draw the line. I mean, are you really going to tell a grandparent they can't come visit, can't send something? No. But I did feel within my right saying "actually, we plan on the first Disney trip to be memorable time just for us, you can come next time". They want to go on every vacation with us too... you'll be surprised though, life gets busy, they'll get busy, he won't be able to visit once a month after awhile. In the meantime, what's the harm? He's not a bad person. no matter how many gifts, pictures, attention, whatever; YOu parents will still be #1 in your kids eyes. Don't worry about that. No need to feel threatened.

I say this because I can relate somewhat, it's better in the long run to just let it go. Let hubby be the one to take up the battle sword when need be, it's his dad.

I won't even comment on the whole submissive wife thing. That's a whole separate issue.