I don't know what to do any more. My mother always comes to my daughters rescue every time I try to put my daughter on a time out or I try to get her to eat instead of drinking milk all the time. My mother also is very tough to handle. She's the type that gets offended very easily if you tell her the slightest thing. Also if you get her upset enough she goes crazy. My husband and I aren't trying to kick her out but she doesnt respect us in our own home and we are the ones supporting her. Not only is she undermining our parenting but shes also getting in the way of our marrage. What can I do?
Thank you every one for your advice. I really apreciate it. I did start putting my foot down and my mother now only comes out of her room when she needs to or when I knock on her door. Which I do late at night so we can talk and watch the discovery channel together or when my husband is off at work. My daughter is now bonding with me and cuddling up to me alot more then before, she's even started singing the theme song to my favorate show "Charmed". Even though my daughter caught the habbit of fighting or wrestling her daddy she's been more affectionate with us and she doesnt ask for milk any more, she just goes into the fidge herself and grabs an apple or banana on her own. She barely runs to my mother any more and when I discipline her she just turns away from me and then comes back to me and says Sorry mommy. G-ma still helps out but now in her own useful way instead of her old demanding ways.... even though sometimes she still complains about my husbands messyness at time I tell her, "That is for me to deal with, and if you don't like it, just go back to your room and stay there or step out" She's Learned to respect me, Thank to your advices I finally got my home back and my little girl.
Sounds like you need to have a serious talk with grandma because she is undermining your authority. If it keeps up your daughter will not follow your rules, she'll follow hers. Have a serious sit down conversation with grandma and explain that she's undermining you and you can't have that. If it doesn't help then granny may need to live elsewhere because she is causing problems in your house.
Angie,
I would kindly, but firmly remind your mother her place in YOUR HOME. My mom is the same way (she doesn't live with us though) and I had to come to the conclusion that my feelings are worth it and sometimes the truth hurts. She'll get over it. And if she doesn't...where is she going to go??? If you don't respect your space, she won't either. I know its hard, but your sanity and childrearing is worth it.
I kinda know how you feel, only it was my mother-in-law and sister-in-law. My inlaws lost their house last year due to Katrina so they moved here to Cape Canaveral and stayed with us for 4 months. It was hard to say the least. I am married and we have 1 daughter, who was only 2 at the time last year. We currently live in a 2 bedroom duplex. So adding my husbands parents and his sister to a already full 2 bed home for 4 months was not fun at all! My mother-in-law made it clear pretty quickly that we were doing all sorts of things wrong with raising our daughter - even though she is completely healthy physically and mentally. Her doctor said she's ahead of schedule for some thing too. But that didnt matter, every day there was something I was doing wrong, too much milk, not changing her pajamas soon enough in the morning, etc. Silly stuff really. Everytime there was a problem or a chance to disipline my daughter to teach her the behavior thats expected of her - she would run to Grandma or Auntie and they would coddle her. Luckily for me these are inlaws and I told my husband to set them straight since it was his family. But he works, and I stay home, so I had to deal with it myself. I am a non-confrontational type of person so it was hard for me. I would tell my daughter to not hug grandma or Auntie because she was in trouble - instead of telling the adult not to hug her. Even when they would go ahead and hug her, I'd take her arm and lead her to the time out chair to sit and tell her again why she must not do whatever it was she was being disiplined for. Thay way it took the focus off of the grandma/aunt doing someting inappropriate and put the focus on the action my daughter did that needed changing. Then they hopefully couldnt be mad at me! Most of the time it worked, and eventually they got the hint.
Also, maybe get your mother involved in some clubs or community activities to get her out of your house with friends of her own so she's not so focused on your life instead of what to do with hers. On a good note, mothers do have lots of experience and info and can be a great help.
Sorry this is so long, I'm a rambler!
Congrats on your ongoing education! That is one of the greatests gifts you can give you kids - a smart intelligent mommy to take care and look after them!
Good luck!
Hi, Angie
I sort of understand your situation. But, First things first... You should first try to talk w/your mother and let her know that you'd rather not have her run to your daughters rescue (even though she means well). Your mother should understand that! On the other hand it is within a grandparent to spoil their grandchildren rotten <<"I never did figure that one out myself,lol". If talking to your mother doesn't work,maybe you should consider helping your mother find a one bedroom apartment close by. I saw alot of one bedrooms that were really nice in Stuart (if that's were you live).Marks landing---which is on A1A has one bedrooms @$540,which includes partial utilities. This way you can still be supportive of her and she can have her own time with the children. I hope that my advice is helpful to you! Take care!
My mother doesnt live with us, thank God. But she too will tell my son one thing when I have said something else. I try to discipline him around her and she says that he is just a child. If we mention it to her then she starts saying things and getting religious. She's a fanatic. The easiest thing we have found to deal with it is to allow her her own private time with my son. And we have it to where he has time with just us. All we have told her is that we want to save her nerves and give her her own alone time. Its helped in some ways.
I would encourage you to stand firm. That means NOT allowing your mother to interfere. Consistency is the most important thing, for you and your husband. It can be confusing for the kids to know who is boss, you or the grandparent. I know its tough. I dealt with the same thing. But there is hope at the end of the tunnel. Number 1... its your house. Number 2... they are your kids, not hers. Hurt feelings are a way of control, to get you to do what she wants. Its trial and error, taking each situation and doing your best. She is your mom and deserves respect, but we leave and cleave for a reason. To raise our own families, our own way. I hope this helps you. Good luck to you and your husband!
Hi , A. ...
Wow , this is a tough one. (( Hugs )) to you and your family.
BUT - as tough as it is , your mother needs to respect your boundaries. You also have to set them , make them known , and enforce them. This means , even if she gets mad , throws a fit , or stops speaking to you for a few days , you MUST be firm with her. You don't have to be rude or cause a big scene - just , " Mom , I am handling this situation with my daughter - these are OUR rules for OUR daughter ; OUR marriage , and that's it ... we are doing this our way. " And then stick to it.
A. , if you don't do this now , you'll regret it. It's very important to make your boundaries known. If your mom cannot respect them , it's her problem , and you need to let it BE her problem.
If I may , I'd like like to suggest a book : it's called " Boundaries " by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.
I , myself , am reading it and we bought copies of it for people we love. It's an EXCELLENT book because a lot of people have problems with boundaries.
Good luck and God bless. It takes a lot of effort and bravery to change things like this in families.
~ A.
I'm also A. but go by A. :)
Anyway, I agree w/ the above too. You are going to HAVE to call her out on it, even if she does get upset. I wouldn't stand for it in my house, but I'm so bold I'd let whoever know, whether it hurt them or not, that's how I am. And they know how I am so they wouldn't be surprised anyway. But you really have to, you can't let it drive a wedge in your marriage either, that's ridiculous. So good luck, it's the only way to go.
As far as school and career, I agree w/Marcia. If you like it, I'd go for nursing. There is always a need for nurses and the schooling isn't THAT long, and the pay is GREAT. Good luck w/both!
Hi Angie!
I also agree with putting your rules down FIRMLY yet in a soft tone of voice and concern. If she still doesnt respect you other arrangements must be made! She should understand and respect your heartfelt approach to letting her know how she is interfering with your family, and she should not make you feel like you cant be the right mother! And GO FOR IT with the career!!It not only will make you feel good but will show your children the importance of getting an education! And don't ever be discouraged and think that you got a GED it will be too hard to get into college! I also recieved my GED and now I am at Edison Communiy College to be an RN and I have finished this last semester with A's, 4.0 GPA and I made it on the Dean's list! The teacher's were surprised to hear that I dropped out in the 11th grade! Reach for the stars Angie!! :) And good luck with the family!
Sit her down and talk to her soon, before you yell or blow up at her. If she doesnt like it then, imagine how she'll feel when she makes a suggestion and you flip out on her because your at your wits end~lol. Trust me you're bound to crack! good luck!!!
Angie,
Vanessa put it soo right! "If you don't respect your space, she won't either." STAND UP FOR YOURSELF, because if YOU don't, who will? You say Mom is "tough to handle" and "the type that gets offended very easily". She also sounds VERY MANIPULATIVE. I'm not jumping on your mom, because I am sure there are most days when she is a wonderful mom and grandma, HOWEVER, she knows that YOU won't stand up to her so a few tears or a crazy outburst and voila! she gets her way. Believe me she KNOWS WHAT SHE IS DOING! She is no amateur! I also liked what one of the other moms said about putting it back on your daughter and leading her away from grandma and STILL giving her the punishment. FOLLOW THROUGH, ALWAYS!! If she goes to hug grandma or g-ma comes to get her take your daughter away from the situation and say I'm sorry you're going to be punished for what you've done and g-ma's not helping you anymore. When you're finished with (your punishment) you may go and see g-ma. If your daughter is drinking too much (milk or whatever) take it away from her. She will not dehydrate from not drinking from the beginning of a meal to the end, I PROMISE!! ; ) Let her know though that until she finishes whatever part of the meal you expect her to finish she will not be getting her cup back. YOU MUST, MUST, MUST ........FOLLOW THROUGH and STAND UP FOR YOURSELF!!! We here at the mamasource will give you such strength! Come here and rant and rave, but BE CONSISTENT in your home ALWAYS!!! Until you say what you mean and MEAN WHAT YOU SAY.... 1. Most important: YOUR DAUGHTER will NOT RESPECT YOU, 2. Your mother will keep doing what she is doing because SHE KNOWS YOU won't do anything about it, 3. Your marriage will suffer and why would you do that to the man you left your parents for? I hope you follow up with us and let us know what is happening in your life. Good Luck with your schooling. Maybe you could go to a Temp office and sometimes they have special aptitude tests that tell you what you might like and what you are good at. You sound like a good person who has a Sassy girl waiting to get out!! Let her out, but always be respectful. Your mom and daughter won't respect you until you respect you enough to take hold of your home, your children, their discipline and your marriage. All of this said in love from a sassy sister. ; )
Good Luck, and let us know with a "So What Happened...."
J.
Angie
First of all i would sit her down and have a talk with her and tell her how you feel . Secone of all you know the medical field pays well and always need people so if i was you i would go to college for LPN to RN .
Also iam getting ready to take my GED , how hard was the test ?
I am so scared iam not going to pass it . I want to get my GED so i can go to college to be a LPN . Math is my hardest subject and iam afraid i will not pass the test because of the math . Explain to your mom how she is not respecting your home or your family . Good luck
M.
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