Over Excited 16 Yr Old Step Daughter

has it been explained to her that there are conditions? does she know what the college said about not dropping out? maybe if she's included on this sort of discussion and is explained that this is something that she can lose, she'll feel more like it's in her control and change her behavior.

are there consequences at home when she skips class? seems that that behavior should be nipped in the bud and that her reins need to be pulled in a bit. i'm guessing you and your husband don't have a lot of control over that sort of thing since she lives with her mom. if you do have any say, or are able to give input to how she's disciplined, you could certainly suggest she lose privileges each time she skips a class (and to make sure that they're things she'll miss!).

i only have a two year old, so have no experience in this first hand. i'm sure it's a frustrating thing in your life right now!

good luck!

Hi M.,

I was reading your question and wondered if you have tried to get her into any outside activities. You know like swimming, gymnastics, softball etc..? I have two great kids 11 and 7. So I am no expert on teenagers other than I was one once. LOL! I do have a teenage niece and she has been very active in softball since she was in kindergarden. My own have been envolved in sports since before they started school. Whatever they wanted to try, my 11 year old is competive gymnist and my 7 year old will start basket ball soon. I know music can help too. I also understand that at 16 it's pretty hard to get them excited about things other than friends and boys. It was just a thought. I do agree with what everyone else has said about setting down ground rules for her to attend the college program. I will pray for her and your family that she makes the right decision for her life. I wish kids understood how important education is. We have been drilling that into our kids heads. Good Luck and God Bless.

The best thing to do in this situation is for you and your husband to sit your stepdaughter down and explain to her, without rancor or anger, that she must care about her classes in the school she's currently in or she won't be qualified to attend the community college in the spring. Make it that simple.
Tell her that colleges have requirements for the students that attend their classes and that her skipping her classes or dropping out (even partially) means that she will no longer be eligible for the college program. If she wants the reward (the college program), she must put in the work for it (attending classes and doing her schoolwork properly).
Let her know that if she skips any more classes or drops out, she's jeopardizing that college program she's so looking forward to, and that if she blows her chance to attend, that you won't be able to fix her mistake for her.
If you haven't already, let her know that you understand how much she enjoys the social aspect of school-life, but point out to her that if she blows off the academic part, she will also lose the social part. She needs to find a balance between the two and you can help her set limits on time spent with friends that may cut into her homework, but ask her if she needs you to help her with that before doing so. If she's hanging out with friends who influence her to cut classes, have her friends come over and tell them, in front of her, that you would appreciate it if they didn't ruin their friend's chance at attending the college program by encouraging her to skip classes. The more direct and honest, the better off you'll be.
At 16, she should have the responsiblity of qualifying to attend the college classes in lieu of high school firmly planted on her shoulders. Just be sure to tell her very clearly that that's where the responsibility lies; with her. You can offer her help wherever she'd like it, of course, but let her ask for it. Teenagers will go to the mat for something that really matters to them. Good luck!

D.

Dear M.,
Wow! I COMPLETELY agree with your friend KS. I have a 16 yr old son, he just passed his GED and starts College tomorrow,he too only went to high school for the social. He is the baby. I also have a 19yr old, a 23 year old (mine from a previous marriage) and the oldest has two babies (yes... I am a proud Grandma). So we have been down so many paths with our children. A lot of h*** o*es and a lot of blessed ones. Each of our children has struggled a lot at the same age your step daughter is and all three are EXTREMELY different. Each of our children also have had issues that were created because my husband and I have struggled in our relationship. Sadly it always takes it effects on our children. But there are no perfect marriages OR families. All families struggle. Life is hard... good, but hard. I think that has been a huge lesson for our kids to see, that ALL families have issues. You choose to work through them or not. Either way there are effects in your life from your choice. The advice that your friend gives is so true. Everything you do must be done with love. Firmness, but love. There is the discipline side, the tough love side and the love/valuing side to each child. And unfortunately no two children are exactly the same. I read a book that truly helped me with my kids, (and my husband;-) The five Love languages, by Dr. Gary Chapman). It really helped me know "how" each of them felt valued. The most hilarious thing was the main way I was showing them love "my way" was not anyones love language in my house!!!! So it REALLY made a difference in our relationships Remember it is only a season in her life, this too shall pass, and then she will be on to another "season" in her life!!. But the lessons and consequences she is made to be responsible for right now are very cheap compared to later in her life. It is hard to watch them hurt, but as I can be a witness, it is much harder to spare them and then watch it as they are an adult, when you have little or no control to effect their choices. The consequences as an adult can change the rest of their life;( My oldest was with us one year and then with his father one year, it was so destructive for him!!! But the "truth" always comes out in the end. You "must" love them, not their actions. It goes for their actions even if they are good. She must feel loved and valued as a person and she will come back to that. I know it is so hard, take courage, love her and she will come full circle. You cannot change the way she is raised or disciplined when she is not with you, you can only have an effect at the level YOU have relationship with her.
Good luck and many Blessings to you and your family.

Your daughter needs to learn that there are consequences for her actions. Some limits need to be put on her and followed throught consistantly. Let her know that if she wants to go to the college, she will need to keep her grades up in High School. Is there anyway you could get a tutor to help teach her some good study ethics?

Hi Mel,

This is a bit different for me to advise. Mainly because I know you and some more about the situation. :) But having said that, I would say that the discipline aspect would be to tell her that if she does not at least try while she is in the current school, the other one won't be an option. If she feels she can continue to do what she has been doing without consequence, except of course the consequence of not graduating, she will most likely continue to do so.

Having done that in school before(you may or may not know that), I learned that the main reason the school she may attend in the spring is asking she not drop out, is because other than a different place, the environment isn't that different. But, it may feel different to her and that will make a difference. As far as curriculum goes, she will most likely need to transfer some credits or she will not graduate.

I think a big part of the issue has been lack of discipline and follow through. That, and as we were punished, we sometimes punish our kids from anger or frustration rather than discipline. I think you all are good at being there for her and disciplining her, but it seems her mom really didn't learn how, or possibly does not want to know. I wonder if she realizes that it is affecting her kids so much.

It does seem a bit harsh to dangle the carrot and then threaten to take it away, but she has not had a lot of discipline as previously stated. It might do her some good. :)Believe me, discipline does work for all of us! Also, and this is really tough but love her. I say that it is tough because she is obviously acing out. It can be very frustrating and who wants to be positive then? LOL BUt, you need to be because in many ways you guys are the positive influences she has.

She is a teenager and they do act out, but try to get her to talk to you about why she feels a certain way or does what she does. I know you guys do talk, and you have shared that she just doesn't care. Specifically I can imagine how tough it would be to talk emotions to her dad too. So remember Mel, you can talk to her with love and compassion and just listen. Only afterwards comment and try not to criticize. That is so challenging as a parent, becuase if we could just do it for them then it would be ok right? LOL However, she may have to really fail to finally succeed and grow.

Perhaps this new school is a chance for her to succeed. If so, Praise God for that opportunity and a new fresh start. :) But, remember she was not born not caring. She was shown how not to care. So, in time your positive reinforcement will help undo her feeling unworthy and weak. I suspect she needs a lot of encouragement. I mean, come on we all do. :)However, children and specifically girls sometimes need it even more than we realize.

I suggest telling her that you appreciate the improvements she has made, whatever they may be. Oh, and remind her that you care about her and love her. Truthfully, I doubt she hears that a lot at home. She probably is not used to people offering to help her set goals and learn to grow up. Mainly because the people in her life do not take the time to show her, except for you guys. While chatting with her and asking what she wants,feels, etc... focus on what else has to happen to achieve her goals. Again, she was not taught how to finish and complete goals, or to set them at home or otherwise.

Except for you guys stepping in and showing her how, she does not really have good role models. You guys can guide her and teach her. Believe that she wants to listen to you, and she will. God brought you into the picture for a reason because you both have so much love to give to her and many. You are both very good parents, just know that and trust your instincts for I believe that they are what leads us. :)Try not to be afraid or concerned about her failure. We all fail, and then we succeed. That is the way we were designed. You cannot do one without the other so let her know that. :)

I just want you to know how proud I am personally of you because you both are doing a great job with her! She is really learning to make positive changes and she will continue to with your guidance and support. :)

Hugs and Blessings,

K.S.

I have a 16 yr old daughter who is very social in school. What we have found to help her is that her grades decide what she is allowed. When she got a chance to go on a special trip, we told her it depended on her grades. If she wanted it bad enough she would concentrate more on her schooling. She kept her grades up to keep the trip. You might try this with yours.

Oh, my You have been given an extremely difficult task. I praise you for your willingness to take it on. If she is with you only on the weekends you are even more hampered in what you can do. She needs consistent boundaries and consequences and you can't give that to her.

I do have first hand experience. I received a foster child, a girl, when she was 6. I adopted her when she was 12. CSD had a psych evaluation done when she was 7 and the psychiatrist said that it is very difficult to change what has been learned during the first 5 years. Fortunately he thought that she had a chance of bonding with me because of who she was and because of her age. Her brother, who is an adult now has never been able to bond with anyone. He has young children and he says that he loves them. I'm sure he does but when we spend time with them he is distant and not at all attuned to their needs.

Did your husband have frequent positive contact with her during those first years? Has she bonded with both of you? Is she bonded with her mother? and/or her father?

Bonding put simply is the ability to love and be loved. That is far too simple of an answer. I suggest that you talk with a child psychiatrist to determine if you even have a chance of influencing her. If she doesn't care what you think or trust that you will help her you will have a very rough time and it is most likely that she won't succeed in school.

You've said that school is not important to her except for the social aspect. If education is not important to her and you don't have the authority to consistently set boundaries and consequences how is she to learn to take school seriously?

Without having her in your custody the majority of the time I think that all you can do for her is to love her in the way that feels like love to her. If love means being allowed to do whatever she wants then she will fight you not realizing that she is pushing your love away. The job is to find a way to love her that is beneficial for her. That is part of the bonding process that usually takes place with someone during the first 5 years of life. If she's bonded then she most likely can bond with other's later in life.

The advice to love her by being firm but not angry is the most important start. Accept her as she is. You shouldn't accept her behavior but continuously remind yourself and her that you love the essence of who she is.

You do have authority over her when she is at your house. She needs you to have boundaries and consequences when she's with you. That is just the beginning. She needs your love, your boundaries and your consequences so that she can both trust you and feel that she is a good person who deserves a good education. When her mother lets her do whatever she wants, doesn't encourage her to study, or teach the values you're trying to instill, your daughter feels that she's not good enough to have anything any better. In fact she probably doesn't even know that there is anything any better. And most likely that she's even capable of success.

Sounds like you arranged the community college thing. If so, or if you are allowed to, I also agree that the best thing that you can do is take her to the school (arrange it with the school first) and have them tell her the consequences of not keeping up with school until spring when she can start there. After all it is the school's consequences. If you want to add any additional consequences you can. Since I don't know how much time she is with you I can make no suggestions along that line.

I strongly urge you to get some professional help with your step-daughter. Now that she is 16, tough love won't fix it. You only have 2 more years to be an authority in her life.

I suspect an education is not important to her. At least not important enough for her to work on getting it. She may even believe that she can't do the work and so doesn't try. Arranging for the community college education is a great idea. But if she doesn't qualify there is nothing that you can do for her as far as school is concerned.

If she doesn't get into the community college I'd back off the emphasis on pushing her to succeed in school and focus on teaching her self respect and love for herself. That is a very difficult thing to do. You will need professional help.

My daughter and I were in counseling from the time she was in the first grade until she became an adult. Fortunately I was able to instill her with a love for learning and reading and she has succeeded in that. Unfortunately she has a very difficult time with relationships. Our relationship with each other was and is difficult. We would not have lasted without professional help.

I am also a retired police officer who worked in the Juvenile Section for years. I taught high school before that. Kids at 16 have a mind of their own even when they've been raised in a caring consistent way. Building a trusting, loving relationship is a top priority for you and your daughter.

I am glad that she wants to go to the cc and you should emphasise the success that she can achieve. If she's able to make the transition and learn to study you have something positive to build on. If she isn't able to do that, just love her in as positive a way that you can manage. Have rules and consequences that you and your husband can enforce while she's with you and work on consistently enforcing them. As painful as it is, allow her to suffer the consequences of her actions. The consequences now are for the most part not as serious as the ones she'll face as an adult.

Keep in mind that some teenagers do better with a GED and occupational training. And they may flounder during their teen years but discover as they mature that they do want something more out of life. There is no set formula for raising her to be a successful adult. I do believe that having and feeling unconditional love is necessary.

Focus on loving her as she is, school or no school, and provide boundaries and consequences in your home, Tell her often that you love her and, when you can, that you're proud of her. Give a whole lot more praise than criticism. When you can discipline without anger you are showing her love. When she is with you provide activities in which she can succeed so that you can praise her more. Work on finding a way for her to have a social life outside of school. Learn about activities available in your community and encourage her to go. Get to know her friends so that they can go together.

I hope I'm not stepping out of line here but there are some very serious consequences for her behavior right now. Pregnancy and STDs. Work with her to get protection from those. I know several girls who either wanted to finish high school or continue on to college but they've had to postpone college until their children are older. They have a very limited income and at first were just children themselves. They, their parents, and their babies are having a really rough time.

I feel for you and the frustration you must have. And the anger because her birth mother is not providing her with what she needs. We do want what's best for our children. I have been so blunt because it is frequently not possible to provide the best. If you are unaware of the skills and difficulties you have when your child is 16 and not in your sole custody you are setting yourself up for a life of frustation and anger which will make having and showing unconditional love more difficult.

Unconditional love is the most important need that your 16 yo has. If you can provide that you will influence her life even tho you might not be able to see that she gets an education or do other things that seem essential to you. Boundaries and consistent consequences in a non-judgemental way are a part of that love. You can only provide those when she's in your home.

I empathize with you and so have written in a blunt manner. I wish you well! I hope that you can set boundaries for yourself so that you will only take on what you can handle and remain healthy and in a healthy relationship for yourself.