Other People , Friends, In-laws Judging and Comparing Your Child.

This used to make me crazy. Instead of getting upset I would say how much I enjoyed the differences in personality. How one would learn their colors, one their abc's, one the shapes and now I truely do love to see who gets what. It also made the person who says it stop and not judge, because wathcing them grow and learn is more fun than judging them. good luck.

You could probably start comparing them to the other grandparents and family members and comparing degrees of senility, but most likely they just won't get it. It's probably better to cultivate some friends outside the clique and not hang out with them as much.

The only thing I would consider is to make sure you're not being overly sensitive. I know as a Mom it's hard not to be defensive when Grandma goes on and on about another grandchild's accomplishments "Suzie Q is ALREADY sleeping through the night! Can you believe it? Your little boy isn't doing that yet, is he?" My Mom does this and sometimes my feathers get ruffled, my Mother in law does it too.. we get to hear over and over how "adorable" and "wonderful" a cousins little girl is. We always here every little accomplishment about her.

My point is they aren't doing it to be judgemental or rude(Most of the time - hah!). Maybe they hit a sensitive topic with me - unwittingly - and I get annoyed. But that's not fair to be angry at them when they are just making small talk.

If you consider it and decide they aren't really *trying* to be rude.. I would just politely say.. "Bobby may not know his ABC's but I am SO thankful I don't have to deal with diapers anymore! I don't miss that!" (Nicely - but it makes your point.) Or vice versa "I guess Sally was more worried about learning then potty training, it's so amazing a child as young as she has has her ABC's down. Potty training will come, I don't know of any kids going off to college still in diapers."

If they are being flat rude, then I would deal with it directly, "This isn't a competition between the kids - let's drop this. There is no need to compare them - they are both wonderful kids that excel in their own way."

Good luck to you. I hope you find the answer you need.

You could try humor, and say "I would rather mine poop his ABC's" Tell them your child will be fine (A or B) but there probably is not that much you can do to either stop them, or reverse the hurt you feel when they criticize.

The best medicine is to keep doing the right thing for your child.

M.

It's quite natural for people to compare. But they shouldn't do it in an arrogant way or suggest that there is something wrong with one child or another. I TOTALLY agree with you. It's very irritating when people take the milestones too seriously.

My perspective isn't just about families and friends. So I'll share that I get this all the time in my in-home daycare. Here are a few scenarios...

One little girl, with me from 8 weeks to 2.5 years was great in every way. She was learning, happy, enjoyed coming, but her parents decided that we weren't potty training her fast enough. So they took off to find another provider that would promise to let her wear real underwear come what may, pee on her furniture and all.

The next child, more recently left for several reasons. Ultimately the excuse was money. But in the weeks leading up to the parents extended lay off, she had been sharing with me that family was pushing her to put the child in a center. I had this child from 5 months to 3 years. She was mostly potty trained, more so at my house than at home. She was learning to talk well and communicate here, but again, not so much at home. She was shy and didn't care much for other children. She was more of a sit in a grown-ups lap kind of child. But she was coming out of her shell. So she gets yanked from a place she was perfectly happy with because her cousins were supposedly doing EVERYTHING so much faster.

Another scenario that I have dealt with over and over is that children don't always show their parents what they know. I am sure this could be true in the opposite direction too. I know it can. I have children that refuse to talk to me and will act like they aren't getting much out of circle time or phonics lessons. But then they go home and display all kinds of new words, spelling success etc. for mom and dad. I had a little girl for over 2 years. She was learning to read at a wicked fast rate. I was excited and I KNOW I shared this with her mother a long the way. Well low and behold, the mom took off to put the child in a BIG preschool. Then a few weeks later she was all excited and told me that her child was reading. She was all excited and like... "SEE, she needed a preschool". Um no...she learned to read in my house. Where have you been?!

On one hand I think you should be able to say, just back off. On the other hand, make sure you aren't being too sensitive. Sometimes people just don't say things in the best way. I know I'm very guilty of saying things in a way that I didn't mean at all. We all do it sometimes don't we?

I agree with you and yet I also agree with Suzi. People naturally compare and they don't always do it to be judgmental. My friends, my parents, and my sister etc. and I will often talk about our kids and other people's kids and how they compare to our own. We know all kids are different but we aren't judging, we just find kids fascinating and like to talk about them. I know I get defensive about certain things and I try not to--my 4.5 year old is still in diapers at night, my sister's son has been in underwear at night since 2.5 and that can be hard. My family has never made me feel bad about it but a friend has. My daughter has ADHD so she doesn't know all of her numbers and isn't as good at her letters as a lot of other kids her age because she doesn't have the attention span or interest to learn them. But I don't care. She can do handstands and cartwheels and most of her friends can't. We also have a friend with a son and we are pretty sure he is on the autism spectrum (very sure) and when my sister brought it up to our friend that his speech is very delayed and that she may want to get him evaluated for that (it's not only delayed speech that is the red flag--it's one of many) but she was very defensive and won't get him evaluated. So every once in a while, there is the case where people may legitimately notice a problem that the parents can't or won't see (not that this is your case). Anyway, I feel your pain. Be strong. Just smile and say "They are all different! I try not to compare." and maybe they'll get the hint.

how about, "gosh we've been so wrapped up learning our abc's, little johnny just hasn't gotten around to it yet!"

or just simply, "well when he's ready, he'll be ready. guess those great potty training genes from your side of the family haven't shown up yet!"

i would actually tell them you don't believe in forcing your child to potty train until they're ready. that's MY personal opinion. my son is 3 1/2 and was completely potty trained shortly before his 3rd birthday...his little cousin (only 2 months behind, and a girl) just got finished up. but then we moved and he started a new preschool, so my son really backslid, and now, while his whole life he's been ahead of her, suddenly she is ahead of him. it's just how it is. not a huge deal. i bet by kindergarten both will be wearing big kid undies just fine - and you can say that too! if you pick a path of laidback going-with-the-flow, not only will you be happier not worrying about his progress compared to other kids, your child will be happier. just let him be a kid and do things on his own schedule.and project that attitude onto others.

i also like what mck4 said about not comparing. you may find a well placed comment about how it might hurt your child's feelings to compare, so you don't, may hit home to them.

Just say what you wrote here. Don't compare my child to anyone and please MYOB.

I know what your feeling too. Sometimes I think I'm being sensitive to the situation but I can't help it. Especially when you hear it over and over and over. I'm positive the person doing it doesn't mean harm, just likes bragging about grandchildren. Although, it always seems its the same one/s.

One day after a cousin took on potty training before my DD, said person in my family said to my daughter when are you going to start using the potty. I spoke up and said "Oh there is no rush, she will go in her own time, we are not pushing her" Keep in mind this other boy is 2 months older and at the time had a stay at home mom. It is now 2 months later and my daughter is now showing interest in the potty and this was all on her own terms.

I just do my best to ignore the comments.

Well, sometimes, people have valid concerns if there is a developmental delay, so don't rule that out if there is truth to what they say.

And even if they are right, it still is crazy hearing it hundreds of times! "I know my son's eyes look red and puffy, he has allergies you idiot!"

However, in *most* cases, this drives me up the wall as well when there is no room for concern. Both of my sons talked and potty trained late and it was tiring telling people to lay off, that they were fine and their pediatrician thought they were fine too.

I basically just smiled and nodded and didn't answer their questions. Bow out of the comparing conversations. It isn't good for parents and it isn't good for kids.

Or just say something ridiculous like, "Well we don't know the abc's yet b/c we are so busy memorizing the 50 states and their capitals." Then laugh it off and people won't know how to respond. It works like a charm.

Hi Y.,

Ah, the judging people in our lives! My daugther is only in second grade, and I noticed that it never really stops. It does, however, ease up a little bit. I remember feeling and thinking the exact same thing, but in retrospect, I realize that it was my own insecurities that led me to think that everyone was making a comment about comparing children. I am NOT saying that this is happening to you, I'm just sharing my own story. At any rate, you can safely tell people that around the third grade, ALL kids just sort of catch up with each other as far as academics are concerned. Stand your ground, and try not to buy into what others are saying by putting pressure on your little one. I found that I did this for a while and it did nothing but cause me more misery before I finally got my act together and realized that others will just want to brag about their kids no matter what. My daughter was pretty spot on with all her academics. She was not behind nor ahead, and she has done well in school. There isn't any reason why a child needs to learn to read at age two unless they learn to do it themselves. In my opinion, forcing your child to to academic things before they really need to only serves as bragging rights for the parent. Again, don't worry about your little one. Just let him/her grow up like a regular child and without the concerns of "looking good" for anyone else.

Good luck with this. I am certain that your little one will find his/her own niche of what he/she really likes and will excel in whatever that is. Every child does.

Take care, and don't let others get you down. Just enjoy this time with your bundle of joy.

L.

Hello, I was 18 when I had my first child (42 years ago). I had a neighbor with a child 6 weeks younger than mine and another one with a child 6 weeks younger than the second one. The second child's mother was always making the third one's mother feel like her child was not very bright because he couldn't do things that our children were doing. I told her to not listen to the other mother because he was soooo much younger and shouldn't be doing the things the others were doing.
Every child does some things sooner than others and some things later. It doesn't mean that one child is a genius and one is challenged. It makes me so mad when people compare children in a negative way. One grandchild of ours has Down Syndrome. She will learn when she learns. She happens to be right on track with other children of her age cognitively, ahead socially and behind physically. We are thrilled every time she learns something new. I am no less nor no more proud of her than any of our other grandchildren. I also like to throw in that I am sure that by the time little Susie or little Johnny starts college he/she will be able to do his/her ABC's, or will be potty trained by the time the reach that age, etc. It usually gets people to stop.
Good luck with your precious family.
K. K.

I ran into this with my 3 y.o. at pre-school and the director indicating "there is something WRONG" since there were infrequent episodes where she just didn't want to go to the potty. I stated, "If she doesn't want to go, she doesn't want to go and I support my daughter's independence. She will go when she is ready. It seems to me the adults have more of a problem than her."

I can't add much to the advice you've been given. I just want to share my favorite MYOB catch-all phrase. "Thank you for sharing." Someone said it to me once and it shut me right up. It does not invite continued conversation about that subject. I love it. Good luck.

You have to just be upfront...my husband sometimes does this and I just remind him "don't compare...all kids are different." Just watch the tone you deliver it in...so much of what we say is tone of voice.

Good luck.
-M

there are a few comebacks that you could throw around like:
abcs:
then why don't you sit and teach him/her the abcs? please don't wait for an invitation since it's THAT important to you.
-not potty trained? sure johnnie is ready, but his mama is not.

you don't need to have a conversation about making them stop comparing, just throw a few polite daggers around and that should make them stop. each child is different.

Can I just say that I feel your pain. I have several 'mommie friends' with kids around the same age as mine and they make me so paranoid about what my child should and shouldn't be doing. It's horrible.

Hi Y.
I know I'm waay late on this one but I'm a new mother to a ten month old (tomorrow) and her teeth is starting to come out this past week and EVERYONE will ask "where's you teeth" "how old are you and still no teeth?"

I hope things got better for you.