Other People Disciplining My Child

I was raised knowing that if I got out of hand when my parents weren't around, there were plenty of relatives, neighbors, and teachers who would set me straight. I believe this is a necessary part of growing up and socialization. "Discipline" is simply another way of saying, "education" - teaching right behavior from wrong. Too much emphasis has been placed on "self esteem" - while important, studies have shown that over-emphasis on self esteem and under-emphasis on discipline has not made children happier. Instead, it has made them less able to cope with the realities of life and has hindered their own self-reliance. My son is 20 months - I hope that my friends and family will do him the kindness of disciplining him (i.e., teaching him) when he needs that type of instruction.
Best regards -

My friends and I have an understanding that we all watch out for one another's children. It is a collective (think village) effort to raise a child. Different rules, with different people, time, place and she will experience different rules at different houses, friends, relatives, etc. So yes, discipline from various people is positive and allows her to learn different personalities and like one respondent wrote, education.

However, in my home, with my child, I am responsible for discipline. I am a single mom thinking about dating as well. For minor infractions, another pair of eyes is welcome. But for behavioral issues, I will be the enforcer (for lack of a better term.)

BTW, self esteem comes from knowing what the rules are and consistent, loving guidance. The more people, more love, the better.

Jen

I think there is a difference between disciplining and correcting a behavior that may have occurred when I wasn't around or might not have noticed. For example, if we are at a playdate and I go to the bathroom or am distracted talking to another mom, and my daughter is caught by another parent grabbing a toy from another child, I wouldn't mind that parent saying something to my child like, "Uh-uh, we share," or "We don't grab toys." As long as this is done in a gentle, informative manner, I wouldn't mind because it does take a village to raise a child.

As far as disciplining goes, you and your ex-husband can certainly can discipline your child and a teacher can within reason, and I would think that a babysitter should have the authority to put a child in time out when the situation warrants it, but I don't think anyone else should, whether it be friend, family or boyfriend. It just isn't appropriate and it will raise boundary issues for your daughter.

On the rare occassion when I have overheard someone disciplining my children when I thought it wasn't necessary or appropriate, I've told them, "I've got it, thank you," and basically dismissed them from their self-imposed duties.

Lastly, as far as the confidence issue, I read an interview with the singer Fergie a while back and she was talking about how pulled her self out of drug addiction and worked to become a success singer and she said something like, "I've always been a firm believer that you earn your confidence." I really liked that because it is so true.

Wishing you and your daughter all the best.

When it comes to issues of safety, (running out in the street, hurting self or others, etc) whoever the adult is that is around should have the authority and responsibility to discipline and intervene.
I also want to say that discipline and limits DO NOT damage a child's self esteem. Self esteem comes from learning and growth and accomplishment, not from praise. Damage of one's self esteem does not come from discipline or appropriate consequences.
I think you should be clear with everyone who is responsible for your child if you're not there, what your really important rules and limits are so that they can support you in your efforts

Every time you are around it should fall on you otherwise you should be informed of whatever unacceptable behavior you daughter did and what action was taken to correct it. Bear in mind they are just trying to help you raise your daughter in the proper manner; then explain to your daughter about the situation.

Yes, they should, but ONLY if you set down some guidelines first. If you have a friend of yours watching your daughter and she horribly misbehaves, and you said she's almost three, so that's a very likely possibility, kids push buttons and test to see how far they can get, then there has to be consequences. If your new boyfriend has oh, let's say a Wii and he doesn't want your daughter to touch it (and she's probably not gentle enough for a Wii) and she takes one of the remotes, or a game, there needs to be a consequence; waiting for you to get home won't work, because she'll forget. My husband and I have recently had a friend move in with us to help out with expenses and we have worked out what she's allowed to do to them as a punishment, because she has the right to be respected while she lives here and not have her things messed with. Set the boundaries and tell your boyfriend or friends and family how they're allowed to discipline your daughter. Good luck.

well she does need to learn that not only does she need to obey u, but other adults too. otherwise the min u leave she could turn into a bad girl for whomever else until ur back

I'm with Ina on this. Of course there are reasonable limits to this, but the community as large has some say in and responsibility for child-rearing, because a child's behavior has society-wide implications. I will sometimes tell a child (generally only in my own home or a public setting) that some behavior is not okay if his parents are either just not noticing or ignoring out-of-bounds behavior. I'm most likely to do this if someone's safety or well-being is at risk. Occasionally parents get upset at this, but usually are neutral or even appreciative.

With friends and family, it actually can be a little trickier, because they may feel they know you well enough to violate your reasonable boundaries, and they may expect you to know and respect their reasonable boundaries. If you anticipate trouble with Auntie Bee based on the usual family dynamics, you will do well to talk to her directly and come to an agreement about what you both find acceptable. If you wait until after a "situation" arises, it will usually be tougher to untangle all the issues.

Same thing with a significant other, and even more important. Talk about what's okay, what's not, and why – BEFORE the need arises. Then bring your child into the conversation, so that she will be clearer about acceptable limits and less likely to try to play you against each other. If you're clear and in agreement on the basics, problems will still arise, but they'll be minimized.

If you find some form of discipline completely unacceptable, be sure your friends and family know how strongly you feel about this.

When I have a baby sitter for my son, I lay down whats what. Say what he's allowed to eat, not to eat, (he's only 8 months now, but when he can be discipline I will tell them then), ect. My friends know that I am serious when it comes to my baby and know not to do what I don't want them to. Just let them know why you are doing what you are doing and more than likely they will respect that and follow through with it.

eed to make clear what you men by "discipline"

Day care and baby sitter providers need to discipline and you can make clear to them how you discipline and what is an inappropriate type of discipline. I think it is important for a significant other not to be the primary disciplinarian but there to reinforce your limits..

depends on thier beleifs and yours if they are the same its ok if not no way day care has to discipline with time out and such but should tell you it happened and why and how it was handled.

I think it depends on how YOU feel about it. Right now, I'm in the belief that I wouldn't allow anyone other than my husband, father (who lives with us) and myself discipline my son.

Don't let other people discipline your child. Be aware of what they want to discipline her for, but don't let them do it. They may or may not be right but they definitely aren't her mom or her dad and you shouldn't abdicate that responsibility. If they're right about her behavior you should take it in hand, and take her aside and figure out the appropriate thing to do. Non-parents won't be as consistent as parents. They also might be harsher and might not have the same agenda. A 2.75 y-o girl doesn't need a bunch of people telling her what to do. She needs one or two people she knows, i.e. her mom or dad being consistent. Not the current boyfriend or girlfriend. You are the main line of defense in her protection from the world. She needs to know that you are strong and will protect her, but that you also expect her to follow some simple rules that mostly have to do with her staying healthy and safe.

V., I am the mother of 5 and a grandmother of several children, I have had a Day Care in my home for many years. I also have a child in your position. I tell you this so you will understand my responce. I also grew up in a split family.
When your child is in your care then it is your responsibility to take care of discipline and to have firm ground rules about what is and what is not acceptable. No man that you are dating or friend(s) I don't even care if you are living together--should have that kind of power over a child. You do not know what kind of judgements will be decided on or an excess be done.
I understand since my husbands death that being alone is hard but it is better than exposing your child to values that are not your own. I am cautious about overstepping my bounds with my grandchildren and will let the parents lead the way and hard as it is will support what they do.. As a care provider I have learned that there are many ways to correct a child without harming them or the self esteem.
My dearest friends and I have always corrected each others children as they were more like cousins than friends but none of us would have considered anythig serious, without the parents permission.
3yos are at a stage of being great manipulators and finding out about the world as little people than as babies. A person that isn't into children may get a bit extreem where a firend that has children would see the differance between a childish thing and a mean thing. Sure hope that you are able to discuss this with the child's father as he may have the same questions as you. Good Luck