Other Moms Please Help Me

As far as whining goes, I would try a no response or try again technique, ie. try that again if he is whining for something. Or tell him how to say it in a normal voice. If you don't respond to the whining, it will probably stop pretty quickly.

I play music for my son. It relaxes him. Maybe do a soothing nighttime routine. Bath time, read a story, then music. They have toys that play lullaby music with an automatic shut off timer.

I have to agree with teaching your son to sleep on his own. I coslept with our son until he was nearly that age, and honestly, by the time he was four and in his own room, I was *done*.

I decided to tackle teaching him to sleep on his own with some support of some mom friends who I could talk with. They suggested the technique of putting him to bed and then, every time he popped up, putting him back to bed with no talking.

We chose to dedicate a week to this and for the first night, I basically camped out in the hallway outside his door. Yes, it was not fun, but I brought some books, crosswords, my laptop, so it was quiet and I wouldn't be bored or feel like I was missing out on anything. Kiddo popped out and I calmly walked him back to bed, just said "Bedtime now" once and that was it. He continued to talk and chatter away, and I just kept my expression neutral. He did about 4 pop-ups the first night, and got up once at about 1 to find us. (Yes, I did sleep in the hallway that evening.) "Back to bed". Took him back in and left him. He stayed in bed.

The second night was easier. 2 pop-ups and then he was asleep. I slept in my own bed that night.

The third night, we had one pop-up-- my husband took over duty that evening-- and that was it.

He is older now and still sometimes seeks attention in the evenings after bedtime. Usually it's because he can't sleep and might ask to look at books for a bit. If it's for attention, we warn him once that he will lose his 'stay-up time' the next evening (which is a privilege... he gets to stay up anywhere from 30-60 minutes after storytime for quiet play-- he's six) and that's it.

Plan to invest at least two or three evenings in teaching him to stay in bed and sleep alone. Once you have started, don't go back to laying down with him to help him sleep, even as a treat. Be steady. I say this with conviction: one of my former preschool moms really didn't want to upset her little pumpkin and lay down the law about bedtimes, so this was still going on when the child was well into 5 years old. YOU are the parent, one in a long line of mothers going back into generations beyond imagining. Stand firm. We have all had to teach our children that we know what's best for him and a simple "four year olds sleep on their own" is all the explanation he needs. He needs you to make this change because he isn't confident he can get to sleep on his own, so you will have to be certain about this for him. If we keep our cool, don't overtalk or threaten, just do this in a firm and loving way of being consistent in taking them back to bed, we do both our child and ourselves a huge favor. :)

Try sleep training. SuperNanny has a good method. It took me a long time to realize that these types of issues hurt everyone in the family; you're both tired, groggy, probably grumpy. So the best thing for all involved may be to start being tougher and sticking to your resolve to let him sleep solo. In the long run you'll be a better Mom for having had a good night's rest and he will learn that falling asleep on your own isn't so bad. It is a step toward growing up and independence. Good luck and know you can do it!

I savor the times the kids come snuggle in bed with us. It won't last forever and they often need a hug or that security. He'll be sleeping on his own eventually. Get some rest.

You have 2 separate problems. The whining, and the difficulty falling asleep.

1) the whining is typical of the age, in my experience anyway. I went through it with my first around age 3 or 4 and now I'm going through it with my second although it feels a little earlier (she just turned 3). I try to stop her and model a more appropriate way you ask for something or say something in a nicer way. So far that seems to be helping.

2) Then you have the other problem of falling asleep. I personally don't see too much wrong with falling asleep with your child. Myself, as a working mom, I really cherish and enjoy that time cuddling with my kids. I have my 3 y/o stay in her bed and I lie with her and sing her some songs and then go to my own bed when she is asleep. No harm no foul. It worked out fine with my older child she sleeps on her own bed, one bed over from the 3 y/o. Sometimes I'll climb over in her bed if she is still awake too. They both sleep fine. I don t think I'm causing any lifelong damage.

Does he nap?
If not, institute quiet time after lunch.
In his room, playing quietly, reading books or watching a 60 minute DVD.
O. hour.
Saved my sanity MANY a day...

The whining is a learned behavior. He found he got what he wanted when he whined about it. Each time he whines and you give him what he wants, you are telling him whining works.

I told my kids to use their big girl or big boy voice. I refused to give them what they wanted if they whined about it. Three or four of my kids tell their kids to use their "happy voice". Every kid goes through a whiney stage. How long they stay there depends on you.

As far as sleeping with out you, this bad habit has to be broken by you refusing to participate. You have let your child be the boss in this area. If you want to be the mom in this area again, you have to make him go to bed without you. One of my kids has reversed the lock on one of their children's bedrooms. When the children are put down to bed she closes the door and if he comes out more than once or twice, she puts him back into his bed and locks the door on her way out.

My daughter's family has a night time ritual similar to what our was when my kids were growing up. Husband and wife gather all her kids together and read them a story or two. Her oldest is learning to read and she lets the oldest read a story if the daughter wants too. Then the mom and dad read a story or two, have family prayer and tell the kids to go and get on their beds. They go and tuck them in telling the kids how much they love them and compliment them on something they did to help during the day and say "good night". Most of the time the two and 3.5 year olds require some calming and back rubs, but then its "good night". She goes out and closes the door an then waits for them to stay in their beds or get out of their beds. If they come out of the room more than once or twice, she locks the door from the outside and then the kids can't come out. She has two girls sleeping in one room and two boys sleeping in another. The baby that is still nursing sleeps in a crib in the master bedroom.

Good luck you and yours.

Sometimes kids whine because it's a habit, and not really because they are sleepy. This is probably what is going on.

You first need to institute a strict schedule. Get up the same time every day. Have breakfast and lunch at the same time (don't forget snack.) Nap should be after lunch. If you really don't want to fight him over being in the room, put a chair in the middle of the room and read a book while he stays in the bed. Demand that he stay in the bed and do NOT talk to him or look at him. Just read your book. He will get bored and fall asleep and then you can leave the room.

Put him to bed at the same time every night. If he fights sleeping without you in the room, keep the chair, but no reading. Have the lights off and don't engage with him at all. He will get bored and finally fall asleep.

Once you get him on a real schedule, it should make the rest easier. As far as whining is concerned, you have to put your foot down. "I cannot understand what you say when you whine. If you want me to help you, you will use your regular voice." And then you walk away. You pretend you do not hear a word he says. At first, it will make him mad and he may even throw a fit. You say to him after a bit "I told you that if you want me to help you, you must not whine. I will not help you if you have a tantrum either. When you have gotten ahold of yourself and can talk nicely, then I will talk to you." And continue to ignore.

It will take a lot of perserverence on your part to get across to him that you mean what you have said and won't give in. Do it, J.. You will thank yourself every day when things finally turn around.

What has worked for me "when you are whining I can't understand what you say and I can't help you"

It really depends on the kid. My son used to whine to get his way. It didn't take him long to figure out it never worked, so he gave it up. My daughter is 4 now and whines because she misses baby attention (bored) and sometimes when things aren't going her way.
I use a TON of praise when she sleeps through the night or uses her big girl voice-and we talk about how she doesn't want people to think that she's a baby now that she's a big girl. When she first started sleeping through the night about 7-8months ago(she's almost 5now) I tried to make the mornings special-maybe her favorite breakfast, a trip to the park, a trip to the store that has a car grocery cart, etc.
For the whining I use a lot of distraction. If she's whining because no one wants to play with her I give her some chalk or a new game and the other kids usually want to join-slowly she's starting to do this on her own.
Good luck and stay strong!

If he's sleeping and whiny, then it's not that he's not sleeping. I agree with those that say that he needs to use his big boy voice. I tell DD that my ears don't hear whine and if she wants something she needs to speak clearly. We pretty much said the same when my SD as using baby talk well into elementary school. If it doesn't work for him, he'll stop it.

I would also work on a bedtime routine. Bath, books, bed or something. Make it the same time and same routine. If he gets up, simply say, "time for bed" and take him back. After that, just walk him back. Over and over. It might seem like a pain the first few nights but it will get better. Something I did with my DD was to sit farther and farther from her bed (she was 2ish) til finally I was out the door and not in the room at night at all.

J.:

Whining isn't always about sleep for kids. They do it because they CAN. It's a learned habit.

Your son rules the roost, in my opinion. He's 4 years old. Does he need sleep with you? No. You have allowed it. He needs to sleep in his own bed. ALONE. If you can't go cold turkey - then you need to start easing yourself out of it...sitting on the bed until he goes to sleep, then sitting in a chair until he goes to sleep, then standing by the door until he goes to sleep....gradually backing yourself out of the room to the point where he is doing it on his own. He isn't going to live with you forever, so he needs to start learning this NOW.

When he whines - tell him you can't hear his question through his whining. Stop the whining in its tracks. Tell him you will hear him better when he doesn't whine....whatever sentence that works for him to get him to talk like a young boy instead of whining.

Good luck!

Toddlers and preschoolers whine if you respond to them doing it, it's not necessarily about being tired. Don't respond or give in when he whines. If it doesn't get him attention, he'll stop doing it.
Your child will go to sleep without you in the room if you stop doing that. It's a disservice to a child and a mistake to let them be dependent on you to fall asleep. Have a nice bedtime routine and tuck him in and leave. Do not respond if he calls you back or has a tantrum. I'm not a believer in letting babies cry it out but this is a preschooler and he has to learn appropriate behavior. I suspect that you give in to him a lot, and while that may make for peace at the moment, it's not a good long term parenting philosophy
Good luck

Hi, J.:

Had you thought about taking parenting classes?

Good luck.
D.

wow, Donna S., kinda of harsh. I too had a four year old who refused to sleep without me in the room. Except he screamed. I do not advocate giving in to him, as my indulging him lead to greater timidity, etc. However, I was trying to do attachment parenting, doing the best I could with those principles as a guide, and I think I was a great mother in other areas. I agree with Shannon and Doris Day seems to have a good idea about sitting with him in the dark and not reading. I tried to do what Nervy Girl did, and did not keep it up. Give it a try and good luck!