Opposite Sex Friendships

Movies???? Married people do not take another person to a movie, unless they are with their children. I hope I'm wrong, but one of my brother-in-laws used to cheat on my sister every time she got pregnant. He just couldn't seem to keep it in his pants. The best thing for you to do is to set rules for him. Tell him that he can't be seeing this lady alone without you being present, that way the 2 of you could help her out a lot better since women know women better. Tell him you'd like to go to the movies too.

A., I sincerely apologize if what I say hurts you.

But to ME, what you describe here sounds to me like you're husband is having a full blown affair. With your blessing.

You are allowed to not be ok with this situation. You are allowed to let your husband know this is not ok with you. You are allowed to ask him to stop.

Sending you strength and self respect.

:)

Well, there's friendship and then there's being out til 3AM with a woman you don't know and not telling your wife what you were up to. I hate to say it, but your gut is probably right. My DH has opposite sex friendships, but they are in the open. If he's meeting his old coworker for lunch, I know about it. I've met her. I know her. He doesn't sneak around to meet up with her. He doesn't go to her house without me. He doesn't stay out til 3AM with a strange woman. He has a wife and kids AT HOME that he needs to be taking care of. What is he doing "taking care" of someone else?

Saying "you can be friends with women" is not the same as "you can act inappropriately with women". You have a child on the way. That is not how a father and husband should act. He needs to worry about HIS house, not hers.

If he won't stop and won't attend counseling with you, then I'd be looking at my resources because that won't end well. You don't trust him because he's not being trustworthy.

Sorry but seriously???!!!

The guy friends I have are my husband's friends too. We are very close...all of us...we wouldn't have in any other way.

When my guy friends and I hug, have deep conversations and "bond" my hubby is right there doing the same with their wives.

I think we're either really lucky or really smart. Fraternizing with the opposite sex without your significant other around is dangerous!

Talk to your guy about how you feel, giving him the OK to hang out with female friends while you're pregnant or a brand new Momma is something you should both reconsider.

Setting boundaries would have been NOT being out until 3 in the morning, with a woman you just met.

Walks and talks like a duck, to me. This is not innocent.

You know you don't have to allow this behavior, right? I think it would be VERY wise of you to make sure you are protected. Have your own bank account, etc.

Time to drag him to a counselor or to your pastor. Don't wait until the baby is born. There is a BIG difference in an opposite sex friendship and THIS.

I'm very sorry, A.. It sounds like he has passed the friendship line and is having an affair. You need to get all your ducks in a row in case he were to leave. Talk to a divorce lawyer ASAP. It's fine to say that you don't want a divorce, but tell the lawyer that you don't want to get hosed. Ask what to do to prepare for the worst.

And absolutely open up a single account at a bank that neither of you bank with. Get money in it NOW.

Don't give him excuses. You DON'T trust him because he has given you a reason not to trust him. He has to earn your trust back and stop seeing this woman. Quite frankly, I would go see her and tell her that she is hurting your marriage. So what if he doesn't like it. If she continues to see him after your 9 month pregnant self shows up asking her why she is going to the movies and late night dinners with him, then she is a home wrecker.

Get him to a counselor with you. I really mean it.

Dawn

Um, okay, I'll bite.
Ask him how he would feel if you were doing the same.
Comforting and helping and spending time with another man, until 3 AM.
And denying it.
There's your answer.

1) - This isn't a friendship. Friendship is based on 2 people sharing an interest, having something in common - there isn't or should not be a sexual undercurrent.

2) - She has many personal issues. Um - I don't know what your husband is thinking, but HE can't fix it/them for her. Really the only one who can or should deal with her issues is HER and if she's NOT dealing with them, she's using him as a distraction (and creating MORE personal issues in the process). she's coming out of a divorce - the LAST thing she needs is to be hopping into ANY other relationship especially with a married man. She is a USER and your husband is allowing himself to be USED. At the rate she's going, she'll be having 5 children from 4 different fathers and you don't need your husband paying child support to her.

3) - How is your husband feeling about this pregnancy? Is he feeling pushed to the side? Not the center of attention? Why is he not nesting and preparing for fatherhood and the baby? If he wants to be needed - tell him YOU need him - he does/should NOT have time for movies/dinners with another woman - he should be dealing with his growing family and Lamaz classes and ultrasound appointments and putting the crib together.

4) - If you had dinner with her before, do it again - separate checks - and make it clear to her she needs to work with a womens shelter to get her through her divorce and she does not need to be dealing with ANY man let alone your husband for at least one whole year after her divorce is final. Tell her this advice is for her own good in the long run (she's got a clear track record of failed relationships) and you will expect there will be no more movies or meals or contact between her and your husband and you wish her and her children the best of luck. She needs to be concentrating on her kids and her future and her career - for self respect and self sufficiency.
(She'll be trolling the hardware stores looking for her next sugar daddy - I'd bet fifty cents on it.)
Tell her a good way to meet guys (once her year after divorce is completed) is to join your local chamber of commerce.
Why date a hammer jockey when you can rub elbows with the hardware store owners?

5) - Your husband. If he's sneaking - it's not good - doesn't matter who he's sneaking with.
Tell him - stop it - marriage counseling - or get out.
You do not need him bringing home STDs.
Think very hard before you consider having more kids with him.
It does not hurt to have an escape plan on the back burner - if all goes well you won't have to use it for that - it can go for retirement or the kids college.

I would have put a stop to it the first time he stayed out until 3 a.m. with her. I mean, how is it that a man has such a deep conversation with a woman in a hardware store that he believes he should spend time giving her advice? That makes absolutely NO SENSE WHATSOEVER!

Your hubby is trying to have his cake and eat it too! You need to decide if you want this woman in your marriage. If so, rock on. If not, let your hubby know that this is NOT going to be tolerated and if you get any more indication that he's still seeing her, then you will file for legal separation. AND THEN DO IT.

Sorry buy my first thought is he is lying. Quite obviously if you found receipts for dinners and movies... Um hello. I wouldn't be ok with this AT ALL. Opposite sex friendships I'm even a little iffy about - I know alot of women on this site say they just click more with men or whatever. But I will say from my own personal experiences, no man ever just wanted to be "just friends" with me. And I am not a super model by any means. This out til 3am business with another woman... No way, not happening. You've got to have a serious talk with him and let him know you are not comfortable with this.

Uhhh... if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, then your husband isn't being honest with you and he's trying to deflect and make you look like you're paranoid. You're not being paranoid and that is not a "friendship."

In many situations I do think it's possible for men and women to remain friends, but in this particular situation I'm not sure that that's true. I couldn't tell you with certainty one way or the other. Sure he's being defensive and trying to turn everything around back on you in spite of highly suspicious behavior. If he's not cheating, then he can't prove a negative. And the man code is always deny deny deny. But if he IS cheating then there will be proof, and if it's in receipts, texts, and e-mails you deserve to see them.

He does need to end this "friendship" even if no physical cheating has occurred. He's been spending time with a woman who isn't his wife and spending emotional energy on her that should be with you. He's not willing to disclose anything about this relationship to you and that's suspicious. But again, even if he's not cheating in any way, he still needs to end this particular friendship. The appearance of impropriety demands it. The fact that you're uncomfortable with it demands it. It's a problem friendship because you have a problem with it and your marriage should be more important than the friendship.

If he refuses to end the so-called friendship with this woman then that will tell you all you need to know. If he claims he's ended the friendship and you find out he doesn't, that's another red flag.

By the way, the number of fathers per her number of children doesn't really mean anything or apply to your situation. It doesn't even really speak to her character either. What DOES speak to her character is that fact that she doesn't have any boundaries with a married man and *could* be cheating with him.

You've got red flags waving all around you. First of all, you specifically asked your husband not to engage in specific activities with this person (movies, late dinners), and it appears that he is doing so anyway. Of course, he's going to say you have no right to go through his stuff. Well, people with nothing to hide, hide nothing. He's going to try to make you the person in the wrong, especially if he is behaving in an inappropriate manner.

Here's the thing. There's a difference between opposite sex friendships and dates. When I go to restaurants with friends, the receipt usually is for one person. When I go to the movies with my friends, the receipt is usually for one person. It sounds like you are finding receipts where he is paying for social activities that could easily be dates. If he has time and money for these activities, why isn't he doing them with you vs. someone elser?. Also, opposite sex friendships seem to either be carried over from prior to your relationship or formed by something in common (coworker, children's activities, church, etc). It seems odd that a totally platonic opposite sex friendship would just occur by randomly meeting someone at a hardware store....that sounds a lot more like someone tried to pick someone else up, especially when that renedez-vous lasts until 3a.m.

What you should do is admit that you don't trust him based on evidence and tell him that this appears to have crossed over the boundaries of a platonic relationship. Ask him to stop any involvement with her and ask him to go to counseling. Also, you need to set up the expectation that with a baby on the way that it's not cool to spend free time randomly socializing....you're going to need his help at home and spending time with the baby .

Best case scenario: He has a big uncontrollable crush on another woman and is drawn to her. He wants to justify it to himself, so he brings you in on it to convince you and himself that it is innocent. He can't stay away from her. He doesn't mean for it to be harmful.

If it plays out, maybe they have sex and maybe they don't. It might be something that has to run its course to get out of his system. I would address it very firmly and right away. I would let him know that this is unacceptable to me and why. I would likely do this in the presence of a therapist, an unbiased third party. Your husband is not going to hear it from you right now. So sorry.

Based on this info alone, I don't think that he is just a jerk, but he is certainly having an "off" moment of lapsed judgment. There's a reason. Focus on that. Think of this situation as a symptom of the real problem, and use it as an opportunity to learn something new and helpful about your marriage...an opportunity for each of you to face certain personal issues that are at work here. Good luck to you. And congratulations on this opportunity...and the baby! You'll be a stronger couple to parent your baby.

He's having an affair. You have to make a choice at this point regarding how to confront him about it, but you need to force the truth out of him.

At this point in my life, the only male "friends" I have are actually colleagues or the spouses of my female friends. Same for my husband. Nothing "good" is going on here and it started that first night. He came home at 3:00 am having met a strange woman at the hardware store and spent the next 12 hours "comforting her"? Um. No.

I work in law enforcement and have had many close married guy friends, and still do. We each have spouses and children. But there is a line, and I would never want to make their spouse feel uncomfortable and vice versa. So we would never socialize alone like that after work, or call each other after work hours, etc. Staying out until that hour is not cool. The husband should know that, and if he's too dumb to know that, that woman should have the integrity to stay out of the situation. But unfortunately neither of them have done the right thing. Take care of yourself and your new baby.

normally i dont jump to cheating. None of us can really know if he is but the signs are there

My ex did the same thing to M.. I met the girl he cheated with. You figure ballsy move...this was his proof he wasnt cheating (this was when we were younger, before marriage....) i brought into it and never knew he had a 10 year affair with this woman. He thought obviously she wouldnt think i would let her meet the person i'm sleeping with..wrong...dead wrong.
Anyway my advice is obviously tainted from past experience like all of us. Ussually i think oppositte sex friendships are fine and going out seperately is fine. Most of my friends are guys, we do dinner, late nights, drink, hang out, and so on....BUT I am completely open with my boyfriend. If he asks M. to not do certain things with certain guys (my one guy friend he doesnt like M. to hang out with if he is available...if he's not he has no problem, but for some reason with this guy he gets a little hurt if i "choose" him over him...so i dont)

Also my ex did the whole "I will be offended if you ever touch my phone, computer and so on...he eventually put passwords on everything...i was with him from 14-26 and was convinced this was normal after his demands and telling M. everyone needs privacy. If my current boyfriend REFUSED to let M. look at anything I'd be upset and red flags would go off for M....although if you're a paranoid person who looks all of the time then i could see why the refusal is needed

honestly if i was you I'd prepare for the worst and try to get in counseling or something to prevent something from happeening...it may not have yet

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Whatever is happening is upsetting you and that is enough reason for him to break off whatever the relationship is. You deserve his support and reassurance...especially if you are pregnant. You don't need this kind of drama. Please take care of yourself and stay calm. Good luck.

Yup. He's cheating.

I agree with Mamazita. Turn the tables on him and ask him how he will feel if you get all dressed up in your 9months pregnant self and go out to dinner and the movies with a special guy friend that he hasn't met. See how he reacts to that. Tell him that you need him with you to support you during this time and being 9 months pregnant, you need some attention. He doesn't need to be giving any other women attention other than you and maybe his mom.

RED FLAG******* Maybe I have a skewed view of things, because I just recently found out my husband had had an affair- BUT, I don't think so. This is not ok. I feel like you are going to find out in a few months (if not sooner) that something more has been going on. If you don't feel comfortable with it- then you must demand it to STOP. Do yourself a favor and visit the website www.survivinginfidelity.com You will see 1000 posts of the same scenario- or that they had suspected it and later found out. Another thing-- read the book "Not Just Friends". Really. With a baby coming you need to get to the bottom of this before it gets out of hand. Because that is NOT going to help at all. It makes things so much harder

Make sure you let him know you'd like to be included in their activities. This way the woman will feel a friendship to you too. Otherwise all she sees is he is not with you and she "might" get the wrong idea.

If you are always there then there's no way she can be misguided.

Oh you should have stopped it the first day. There is no good enough reason to hang out with a strange woman until 3AM when he has a family at home esp a pregnant wife!
Sure the lady has issues but how do you think your husband can fix it for her? Is he a lawyer to advice her on her divorce? And the receipts you found and him not giving an explanation other than that you don;t have a right to go through his stuff ...it's a red flag. You have let him go too far with your permission I guess. It's not right to hide it from his wife , I would never forgive my husband if he did that.
You are 9 months pregnant , he needs to be with you. And this affair(I think it is an affair) should stop.

thats weird to me.. the only friends of the opposite sex i have are people who have been my best friends since elementary school.. my fiance would absolutley lose it if i met someone at a store and decided to go out with him.. and i would kick his butt if he did the same.. i duno it just doesnt seem right to me.. id tell him how you feel.. ask him how he would feel if u met a strange guy and all of a sudden started spending a ton of time with him

Heather L P is spot on!

Dear A. i'm sorry your going through this. Your husband needs to keep his charity at home after all it begins there. There is no reason why he needs to worry about this woman she seems to be taking fine care of herself getting a different man all the time and probably recking many marriages along the way. The problem is how to go about it. I don't know how you will make him take you seriously do you have any relatives of his that can talk some sense into him? He doesn't belong hanging out with another woman and a lot of times this happens when the wife is expecting and once the baby is born his eyes stop wondering. Men are all the same easily tempted but you must keep him away from this woman she is dangerous. God bless you you have enough to think of with the baby on the way. It will all be ok.

Yes, listen to HeatherL P.