Opinion on the 4Th Child-but We Really Can't Have More children...Please Help

Updated on July 12, 2008
D.S. asks from Rockaway, NJ
81 answers

Without saying what I really want to ask, I need an opinion. I have 3 healthy and happy kids. My lifestyle and my checkbook cannot afford another child. However, we just found out we are expecting-but it was thru a test bought at a drug store! The Dr's are not in today so I am cramming for advice on what to do. Have any of you terminated a pregnancy or know someone that has? I feel like a bad teenager you read about in a story for even thinking about doing what I am thinking to this potential pregnancy and don't know what to do. Please hlep with your thoughts...

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So What Happened?

I appreciate all the feedback-I was overwhelmed!!
In any case, the Drs. discovered a cyst during an ultrasound and it would not have been found otherwise. I guess this was a blessing in disguise so I can take care of this now! My friend died of breast cancer last yar after finding a cyst during a pregnancy so I am a bit squeamish, as is expected.
Anyway-that is my update and I truly thank all of you who read my request and responded :)

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C.G.

answers from New York on

Denise,
Don't worry about what other people will think of you based on your decision to have a child or not. The people who love you will love you anyway, regardless of what they feel about your decision. This is something you have to clear your mind about and listen to your gut. Decide what YOU want to do, then talk to your husband about your decision.
Good luck,

C.

1 mom found this helpful
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R.D.

answers from Syracuse on

I cannot believe some of these responses - a ball of cells? By the time you get a positive pregnancy tests, that "ball of cells" has a heartbeat. It IS a baby. Just because you can't see it's cute face yet doesn't mean that it doesn't count. I understand having an unwanted pregnancy, but now that you have kids, how can you stand to pick and choose which ones get to live and which ones don't? I mean, what if you had had this feeling after baby #2? Can you really imagine life without your youngest child? This is your husband's child, too, as well as your children's sibling - how do you think they would feel about you killing it? I know people like to depersonalize a baby when it is in the beginning stages of development by saying things like "it is just a ball of cells", but we all started out that way - it is YOUR BABY, no different than your other children, worth no less than you or your other children. Being so small doesn't make it worth less, it just makes it more fragile, more vulnerable. Is your youngest child less of a human being than your oldest simply because he/she hasn't lived as long? Of course not. I know that this baby wasn't expected, and believe me, I have been in your shoes, but I will say that things have a way of working themselves out. This baby has a special purpose in your life, and once he/she is looking up at you, you will feel that from deep within, in that same place where the love for your other children was born. Please think about this, and remember that you have options to make sure that this doesn't happen again. Your husband can have a vasectomy, or you can have your tubes tied after the baby is born. Just remember that the decision you make now will stick with you for the rest of your life. You are already a mother and know how much your children mean to you - don't kill one before it has a chance to know and love you. Don't do something you'll regret...Good luck...
R.

1 mom found this helpful
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R.D.

answers from New York on

Dear Denise - For what it's worth, I am a mother of 5 and a member of the United States Air Force. I'm stationed in New York City and my husband lives in California. This is a temporary situation, (three or four years temporary.) People are always asking me how I do it; work fulltime, take care of three babies (3, 1 and newborn), stay sane, etc. The only answer I have is, I just do it - the best way I can. Looking back, I probably wouldn't do everything the same way. But I don't look back. I take the situation that I have and I keep moving forward. I have a wonderful family that I love immensely and I wouldn't part with any one of them for anything. It hasn't been easy but I focus on the good times and dismiss the bad as soon as possible.

You're not alone. You're a strong woman. When you feel like you're not, ask for help. You'll find there are many people around you who are willing to lend a hand or even just an ear when you need it. And if you've decided your family is complete, find a permanent means of birth control next time. Your doctor should have lots of options for you.

Good luck,
R.

1 mom found this helpful
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H.G.

answers from New York on

I wasn't going to respond, but after reading some of the responses, I feel I need to balance the scales.

PLEASE do what is best for you and your family. It is you and your husband's decision and your decision alone. I know women who have had abortions for all types of reasons. I think how you heal has a lot to do with your mindset when you go in for the procedure.

Also, please be very leery about websites and hotlines. Many are set up by anti-choice groups. (I feel the term pro-life is misleading. I'm all for life, but I'm also about having the choice.)

I don't believe that 4 is the same as 3. Yes, you can make it work, but you also need to be realistic and kids are expensive.

I wish you the best in making your decision. I'm sure it is difficult.

1 mom found this helpful
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S.S.

answers from Binghamton on

You have gotten a lot of advice, and I have none to give. I simply want to encourage you to look into your heart and give yourself some time on this one. Deep inside you know what you need to do for you and your family, whether that means having the baby or having an abortion. No one can make this difficult decision for you, which is good, since no one but you will be living with whatever consequences there are. Stay strong and listen to that small voice inside you. It will not steer you wrong.

1 mom found this helpful
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J.C.

answers from New York on

I never terminated a pregnancy, nor would I ever. Babies are gifts from God - a blessing. And for many women, sometimes difficult to achieve. It will always be in the back of your mind if you terminate the pregnancy. I'm not telling you not to - it's your choice. But if you do, it will ALWAYS be with you. You need to make sure you can handle that.

If you decide to keep the baby, God will always be there to support you. God only gives what you can handle. You will love the bundle of joy and all else will work through.

Ever watch Jon and Kate + Eight? They had sextuplets, which they could have reduced - but they didn't, they decided to keep what God gave them. They work hard for their kids, but they love their life. They truly are an inspiration & you can be too....

Good luck.

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P.C.

answers from New York on

With all the stuff three children already have, your checkbook can afford another baby. You'll be surprised how creative you can be. As for your lifestyle, you and your husband are already outnumbered; now there will be two for each of you. I have several neighbors who have 4 children; it has worked out fine for them. For now, just take a few deep breaths, a long walk, or have lunch with a friend. Have this baby and while you're pregnant decide with your husband on a permanent form of birth control. You can have your tubes tied the day after you deliver if you want to. I wish you well.

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A.H.

answers from New York on

A child is a blessing. Think about what you can do after the baby is born to help with the finances. Say - Waitressing 2 evenings a night and have hubby and other kids help with the laundry.. Please find a way. I can't have children.. but have been blessed with 2 children from Korea.. who I love so much. they are mine - thru and thru. Don't terminated that pregnancy.. I think you will feel like a part of you died.. and in a scense it did.. think of other options.. Even if you turn to adoption.. Make someone else so happy.. they have open adoptions.. and you can be a part of that childs life.. Your like a wonderful aunt... or just pray.. and hold your husbands hand.. and things will be ok! Good luck.. .... You can make someone happy... whether it's adoption.. or you find a part time job.. to help out a little.. it will be hard.. but worth it in the end... your kids will love you.. and you will love you... good luck.. I'll pray for you!!!

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A.D.

answers from Philadelphia on

Best of luck with your very difficult decision. You have a lot of great advice from lots of concerned and caring moms, but only you and your husband can decide what you can truly mentally, physically, and financially afford.

I do agree that if you consider putting the child up for adoption you will have to find a creative way to explain this to your children since at least 2 of them are old enough to understand what's going on. Maybe that you are growing a very special baby for other mommies and daddies that can't have their own, but be prepared for the emotional toll this will take on you as well.

Whichever choice you make, to keep, to give up, or to abort, there will be times where you regret it and times that you know it was right. Just make sure you take time to think through your decision and it will be the right one for you.

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S.W.

answers from Buffalo on

Denise,

i have been in your shoes for the same reason and i choose abortion. it has been 4 years since and i believe i made the right choice. while i do think of it and wonder what could have been, especially when watching my two children play, my husband and i relize all over again we made the right choice. i could never imagine handing my child over to anyone i knew or didnt know for that matter(adoption) and i would never want to become some angry stressed out parent to my children i have now, or put our marriage in jeapordy with all the issuse that can come along with financal stress. i should also tell you we will never have another child again. personaly i couldnt have an abortion then one day down the road have another, ya know? if you and your husband agree on the same terms, do what is right for you. dont let anyone tell you what is right or wrong or what God wants. it is your choice.

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M.S.

answers from New York on

No one can ever REALLY afford a child, but we make due. You sound like a loving mother and as such I don't know that you would want to end a pregnancy just because you think you can't afford it. Perhaps you should rethink the situation and see if it warrants you making some adjustments to your "life style". You are young, so you have your whole life ahead of you. I'm sure that you may have family and/or friends that can help you. If money is an issue, as it is with me, Craigs list has become my best friend, I've gotten so much stuff for either nothing or next to nothing. Let me know if you plan on keeping the baby, if you do, I am the mother of twin boys who are just turning 1 year, so I have a lot of stuff/clothes/etc.
Good Luck and follow your heart.

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K.M.

answers from Albany on

I am new to this site.Just signed up tonight after having my friend refer me...My husband and I have struggled for years with infertility and are currently foster parents.We don't have any children in our home now but did for a year and a half and are still heartbroken over her being returned to her mother..Have you ever thought about adoption?? There are wonderful people out there that would do anything to have a child..I know it would be difficult considering you have 3 children already, that I am sure you love with all your heart but, but you may find comfort in knowing you made another couples dream come true..There is also open adoption that may make it easier for you..Just my opinion..

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C.G.

answers from New York on

Obviously a person decision, however, there must be a way to "afford" your fourth child. As a mother of 9 month old twins, I understand the cost of raising a child can be over the top. I just spent $900 on four car seats for my boys. I am sure if you really sit down and work with your budget you can too afford this baby. HOw often do you hear people say I can't really afford to have kids or more kids, but millions of people do it and they find a way. There is always breastfeeding so you don't have to buy formula, hand me down clothes from your older children and so on. I just worry about how you will feel after. I know a couple of women who have terminated, and they have all regreted their decision to do so later on. My god mother terminated a pregnancy 30 years ago and to this day still regrets it. She has 2 boys and always wonders if that was a little girl.

As far as the at home test you took... thats how I was found out I was pregnant. It wasn't even a brand name one, it was a Rite Aid brand. I was broke that week and couldn't really afford the name brand one. Four weeks later I found out I was having twins. Needless to say, my husband and I have found a way to afford them. Remember, you can always utilize consignment shops to buy or sell things to pick up some extra cash. My point is that you and your husband will find a way.

I hope everything works out for you and your family.

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A.G.

answers from New York on

Can you see if there is a local planned parenthood in your area. If not you can probably contact them online and they can send you in the right direction. For whatever decision you decide to make, they are available for advise/counciling and should you decide to keep the pregnancy or terminate they can provide services for that as well. I'm sure whatever you decide will be well thought out and a hard decision no matter what. Good luck.

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J.P.

answers from Syracuse on

We could not afford to have more children either. We already had 3 when I found out I was pregnant again. We are making it work though. I could not bring myself to do what you are thinking about doing. I can't have any more children now because of medical issues so my husband had surgery to insure that we would not be in that situation again. I would LOVE to have more children as each one of mine is a blessing. I can not imagine my life with out the 4 beautiful children I have. I have a friend who terminated a pregnancy and she is now in therapy for the guilt she has from what she did 12 years ago. If you really do not want to keep the baby for financial reasons please consider adoption. There are a lot of couples out there that can not have children and could provide a good home. Please consider all of your options before you make any decision. Good luck to you.

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A.S.

answers from New York on

I just wanted to echo those who have said you should not dismiss this as a "potential" pregnancy; I took a cheap drugstore test and my dr's office said if that was positive they would not bother to re-do the test because of the accuracy. You need to recognize that you are pregnant and make decisions based on that reality.

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C.B.

answers from Buffalo on

Denise, I know that it can be difficult to wrap your head around a tough situation. When you put out a question like this for other people's opinions, you open yourself up to a plethera of "opinions" not input. Remember, people always think they are right and everyone else should do what they want them to do. Only you can make the decision about what is right for you. Be happy we all still have the option of a choice and make you own best decision. If some people had it their way, we would not even be able to have this discussion, let alone have a choice. Know that only YOU can choose for yourself. Best of everything to you.

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S.G.

answers from Albany on

Denise, children are a blessing and one more won't make that much difference. One of my friends went through a similar situation only her youngest at the time was almost 10 so it was even more of a shock for her. One more only adds to the fun and while it seems like you can't afford it, not having this baby will leave a huge gap in your lives. I hope you keep this baby and are blessed with a beautiful healthy child who brings you joy every day.

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Y.K.

answers from New York on

do what you and your husband think is best for your family - its only your decision. of course if you have this baby you will love it just as much as the rest of your kids. but not every women who's had an abortion regrets it, at least in my life experience of friends and family. you have a choice. not all situation in life allows us to have children there're different reasons for abortions. in your case you have a healthy happy family, you can always have one more and then tie your tubes. make a wise decision for yourself, unfortunately its only your decision to make and no one can judge you, everyone makes their own decisions and then they live with it.

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B.B.

answers from New York on

Hi Denise,
What a wonderful family you have! My husband and I have 4 children and have enjoyed every minute with them. They are grown now and they are still a joy. But it was alot of work and sacrifice, but much easier when they got older. Maybe this can help you with your decision. You never know what the future will bring. Life always throws curves at us. I know this may sound a little selfish, but we all get old and someday it will be our turn to need some serious help. Not all children are supportive of their parents,especially when they are old, and this 4th child might be the only one who will take care of you. And not all siblings are supportive of one another or even talk to one another as they get older, I know from experience. (I have 1 sister, my only sibling, who told me to stay out of her life and my parents are gone,now I have nothing;very heartbreaking) So, maybe this child could be the one that keeps the family together. And there are so many other wonderful and amazing things this child could be and do. I know it is hard right now because of finances, sacrifices etc. I know I've been there,but looking to the future might help you make the right decision. You sound like a caring person and you would probably regret and be remorseful about not having your baby. I know for my husband and I, it was so much easier as they got older all the way around, including finances. Your children are young yet, but believe me it will get easier as they get older. So hang in there.

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S.M.

answers from Albuquerque on

My heart goes out to you and your unborn child in your dilemma. It is a child; not a ball of cells! Please consider carefully as I have heard termination could affect your future health and will also affect you emotionally. If you are interested in testimonies from other mothers, please check out this site: www.afterabortion.org

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M.C.

answers from New York on

Hi Denise,

I am so sorry that you are faced with this delimma. I hope you don't take this the wrong way but I am an adoptive mother who could not have children of my own. We went through an agency called "American Adoptions", they are a wonderful organization. Whether or not you choose to have your baby or not, they can help you through it. They offer couseling etc. to all potential mother's who call. There obviously is no pressure one way or another, many of the moms who come to them are in your same situation. They can tell you your options etc. and help you make the best decision for you and your family.

My daughter is the most incredible gift anyone could have ever given me and I couldn't love her any more even if I actually gave birth to her.

My best to you and your family,
M.

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J.W.

answers from New York on

What about surrogacy/adoption? I know being pregnant can be a lot, but there are So many people out there that can't have what comes so easily to some of us.

No offense, but anyone I've met that has aborted has regretted it at some point or another, ESPECIALLY the women that already have children. It's time for you or your husband to have a permanent birth control procedure done.

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A.F.

answers from New York on

Denise,
This is a hard one for me to hear about... I have 10 month old twins that I waited a long time for and can't imagine being in your position. I was lucky enough to have eventually gotten pregnant and carry my own children. If that had not been the case I would have looked into adoption. Have you considered this at all. The joy that you could bring someone else is incredible. What an amazing option you have. If you truly can't afford a 4th child then think about possibly turning a tough time for you into the most amazing thing for someone else. I don't want to sound resentful but you have no idea what it is like to have trouble conceiving for some women. SOme will never be able to carry a child of their own. It is heartbreaking for me to hear you considering abortion. Have you looked into state assistance? There are programs like WIC that could help out. Believe me, after all the medications and medical treatments that I had to go through to get pregnant, my wallet is TRULY hurting. We had to move in with my parents and my husband had to get a new job. But you know what...we made it work and I don't regret it for a minute. I'm sure it is a hard decision for you as we are each individuals and each have different views on things. I really hope that if you come to the realization that you CANNOT afford this child that you consider adoption. You could make some other family's dream come true. Please make your choice wisely.

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N.B.

answers from Jamestown on

Please don't do what you are thinking of doing. Email me and I can discuss more with you about [email protected]____.com I don't wnat everyone on here to read what I need to tell you..no offense.

God doesn't give us more than HE knows we can handle. Children are a blessing no matter how they come into this world.

Nanc

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K.D.

answers from New York on

Denise, I understand your reaction, it's an initial reaction, you are surprised and shocked. I don't blame you for having those thoughts. But seriously, when I read to the bottom and saw your youngest is only 18 months, for some reason that decided it for me. If your youngest was 5 or older, in school, you know, grown up, I could see the new baby beiong a strain on the family. But in thios case I really thoink that this next baby is not far behind his brother, I say he made it here in time. I believe this chhild can be the one who completes this family, I believe that in the long scheme of things, having him only lengthens your parenting years by two years (your younger son will be 2 years olfer when he's born. Do you think aborting your baby, their sibling is worth saving yourself two years of parenting out of ypour life? Or do you think that this child has so much love to offer each and every member of your family in many beautiful ways you can't even imagine? I might have the initial thoughts you are expressing out of shock, but they might last maybe one day at the most. I couldnt do it. You (and your entire family) have recieved a gift from God, I would say that the love and the beauty that comes from this child outweighs the troubles by infinity when you look at it over a lifetime. I don't judge anyone for making any decision that is right for them, but for me, I would not want to rob myself and my children of their sibling of such a prescious gift.

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P.D.

answers from New York on

Dear Denise,

I can only imagine how confused you must feel, but please think long and hard before you do something like terminate the pregnancy. The decision will always be on your mind. You may find yourself in depression etc. In years to come, you may see children the age of what your child would have been & won't be able to help wondering "What if I had had that little one?" I'm the mother of 3, and the thought of 4 is a tough one, but siblings mean so much to each other, don't take away the opportunity for your children to have another brother or sister. Some day they may be very upset and hurt if you decide not to have the baby.

P.S. I was the 4th baby. My mother was in her late thirties, my siblings were 11, 10 , & 8 - Yup I was a surprise & Mom was not ready for me at all, but she calls me a special bonus!
Good luck with your decision! Your baby to be might be the one who will cure cancer!!

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A.M.

answers from New York on

One more vote that YOU need to decide what is best for your family. Don't let the advice given here influence your decision. Neither path is without it's own set of unique challenges. We are very lucky to live in a society that allows us to make this personal decision and to carry it out in a safe manner. However, please remember that terminating will not erase the experience from your mind. I was faced with this decision once and, although I don't regret my decision, I still think about it. You need to be strong enough to know that you can handle that and that you'll feel confident that the decision you made was the right one when the experience comes to mind. It will. Over and over again.

Pray for guidance. I did. He will provide it.

Some of the peace I've found comes from the fact that I have shared my experience with several young women - family and friends - and now several irresponsible, sexually active teens/young adults AND their friends are making good choices about birth control. I have also given them an outlet to share thier honest feelings about sex and other topics, which they didn't have before, and the ability to get an adult's honest opinion about their choices. And I can only imagine how many conversations have been sparked by the ones I initiated. I know of several. I only hope I can be so understanding when my own daughter is their age - or that she'll have someone who will care enough about her to provide the outlet that I have provided to my cousins and family friends! (I'm gonna lock her up and throw away the key after hearing some of the things they've shared! haha!)

Best of luck to you. I can't imagine being in your shoes. Whatever you choose, please make responsible decisions about birth control moving forward. And use this "opportunity" to talk to your friends and other people you trust about how important it is to be responsible when it comes to BC.

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M.B.

answers from Syracuse on

HI Denise,
I think everyone who is in your shoes may have felt the way you do about being pregnant. And I know the opinions of many will vary on what you should do. I am going to ask you to think about a few things that I will beging to write now.
One is that God is the giver of life and if He is the giver of life He will help you to take care of that life. He will provide all that you and that baby need. Maybe you will be tight but the needs will be met.
Secondly, because He has put this life in you He has a plan and a purpose for this child. You just happen to be the chosen one to raise this child and such an honor to nurture this little one. And as for your other children, it is hard to say now but evidently God thinks they need this baby as well. If you have a Bible open it and read Psalm 139.
And Jeremiah 29:11 And if you do not have a Bible I am sure you can find these verses on line.
Finally I will leave you with a bible verse for yourself. It says, Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths. Proverbs 3:5,6
And May God give you strength during this time.
M.

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J.G.

answers from New York on

Hi Denise, well this is a tough situation....and only you can decide what the best course of action is. But before you make any rash decisions please think it through. Terminating a priegnancy is a HUGE deal and you don't want to later regret your decision. Maybe there is a reason this happened?

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W.K.

answers from New York on

Hi Denise,

I know this has put you in a very challenging position and you have many things to consider and many decisions to make.

A little about me, we have 2 boys (ages 5 and 7) and were done having children. This past Jan I found out I was pregnant with #3, and then in Feb we found out it was twins. talk about shocking!!! this was a huge adjustment for me and my husband. It will entail lifestyle changes for us and I have to admit, for us alot of our fears when it really came down to it were selfish on our part. It will mean less dinners out, less vacations and probably no travel at all for the next few years, less time to spend for myself and less time with my husband and boys..... but the bottom line for me and my family, I am confident that even though I need to sacrifice things that I am used to, the payoff will be tenfold. God is blessing our lives with 2 more children! I am now 6 months pregnant and very grateful. ( I can not say I felt this way when we found out!)

OK, now back to you.... I don't your whole lifestyle and your financial situation, but I do want to strongly encourage you to explore all your options before you make any decisions. I know of an amazing place that can help talk you through ALL your options ( pregnancy, adoption, and termination) medically, emotionally etc... It is designed for women like yourself facing a tough decision. they are extremely knowledegable and confidential. the name of the place is Solutions. ###-###-#### they are located in Shrewsbury NJ, but they have a 24 hour hot line. I know there are people that come all the way from NY to meet with them, and they may also be able to connect you with something closer to your home.

Denise, I strongly strongly encourage you to reach out to them for advice. I don't want to see you make a decision rashly under pressure that you may look back on a regret. but what ever is the right decision for you and your family, it will work best if it is well thought out and all options explored first.

I will be thinking of you as you go this very challenging decision. best wishes to you and your family

W. K.

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L.W.

answers from New York on

The choice is yours, and thank god there are options. If you have a positive test from the store you don't really need to wait for a doctor to confirm it - the tests are sometimes false negative, but almost never false positive. Being a mom is tough in so many ways - but making this decision (to keep or to abort) is going to be an important decision for your family. Don't let the guilt-mongers get to you. Do what is necessary and appropriate for your family. You aren't a bad teenager because you are going to think through your decision and assure you don't find yourself in the same position again until you want another child. I know several friends who have aborted for various reasons - none are traumatized or have had any negative consequences once they decided it was the right choice for them. Be careful of the information you seek out - go to Planned Parenthood for unbiased scientific information as there is a LOT of inaccurate and misleading information being promoted by anti-abortion groups. Good luck.

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G.D.

answers from New York on

Please don't have an abortion. It will scar you for life. Have the baby and give it up at an open adoption. You will be a blessing to someone who might not be able to have children. I know of 3 people who come to mind who were told they could never have children and it nearly destroyed them. Killing your baby is not an option. Your Doctor or someone at the Hospital could help you locate a reputable open adoption center. God Bless and have mercy on your unborn child.

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A.F.

answers from New York on

Denise, i was pregnant with multiples (5) and two doctors told me if i continues with 5 that i would not give birth to a live baby. so, i underwent a "reduction" and reduce to 2. we ended up having problems with the twins and almost lost 1. so that said, i was given good advice about reducing, but i will ALWAYS regret what i did. i cried for weeks before and weeks after and sometimes something makes me think about who they would be and what their personalities would be etc. and it is torture all over again. the saying goes, you always find money for a new baby. good luck with your decision.

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E.S.

answers from Richmond on

Denise,
I had 4 and our checkbook was stretched as far as it could possibly go and we found out we were expecting # 5, we too thought there was no possible way to afford this little miracle, but we have, she just turned 1 last week. Yes it is very hard and we struggle paycheck to paycheck, most weeks we are out of money before the next check hits the account. We have depended on local food banks and other services available. Instead of looking to terminate this pregnancy would you consider adoption? If you would I know of 2 wonderful amazing families that you may wantto talk to. One family has 2 adopted children already and the other live out of state and have tried everything to have their own and out unable and this couple so deserves to be parents. They are amazing people in every aspect possible and their home could not be a better place to raise a child. If this is something you would like to consider please email me and let me know. I have acousin that terminated her 1st pregnancy and she has told me that is it the biggest mistake she ever made, she wonders everyday what it would have been, what type of child he/she would have been and every year when she was due she thinks about how old this little one would be. Please think about it and talk w/ your husband, there are so many families who would love to love your little one.

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S.H.

answers from Albany on

Hi Denise,

Don't let finances dictate your life. Children are expensive, true, and food costs and everything else is rising. I would suggest you get yourself educated on how to make more money fast. Go to the library and borrow some books like Think and Grow Rich, an all time classic. The Success Principles by Jack Canfield is also excellent.

I started a network marketing business and in less than a year, I was making a good full time income. This is not for everyone but probably the only way you can create a good income, stay at home and get paid. You will need to be quite organized, find something you love (there are a zillion companies out there...I've been in about nine before I found one I truly love...so be sure to take enough time to investigate if you go this route and save yourself the trial and error that I did!).

The extra income has allowed for a normal life, a few company paid for trips and you can write off many things, like a space in your home for an office for example. This type of business allows you to work when you can. Put in a few hours when the baby is sleeping or when your husband is home. Your older children can also help out. This needs to be a family decision so involve the children and ask for their help. The oldest two can help with food preparation, tidying up, etc. I know many people who started out like you and are now quite wealthy. BUT, this is not for everyone! Just an idea from a different perspective.

Personally, I would always be thinking of the "missing child". Too many friends have gotten rid of their babies and regretted it later. I would also suggest Googling abortion and breast cancer to see what the health risk is.

Hope this is helpful and try and stay calm about it. It's not the end of the world although it may seem like it now.

This would be a good time to invest in a vasectomy for your husband too!

Hope this helps and my thoughts are with you. Tough spot to be in.

S. Hoehner
www.sharethecause.com/detoxqueen
My phone number is on the website so feel free to call me if you want to know more about the 9 companies I was with.

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F.A.

answers from New York on

I know a lot of people will tell you not to even think about a termination as you already have children, are married etc. But if you feel it is the best thing for you and your family then it is the right thing to do and you should NOT feel guilty. Each of us can only cope with so much. Far better to be a good mother to 3 than an over stressed mom to 4. You have to make a good decision for yourself and your family, and you will.

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E.T.

answers from New York on

No one can tell you what to do. But I would like to offer my opinion since you've asked. I am one of five children. My dad was the sole provider in our family so that my mother could be home to raise us. We lived in a small 3 bedroom ranch before my brother was born 5 years after my youngest sister and we had to add on another bedroom. Now, as an adult, I don't think my parents had the money to add another child to the four they were already raising. However, I guess they considered #5 a gift and how much more could another child cost?! We can't imagine our life without our brother. Every child is a miracle and has a purpose in this world. Do you have enough love in your heart for one more? I would venture to guess the answer is 'yes'. Don't let your 'lifestyle' get in the way of what could be the fourth most important thing in your life. Consider if you can make accommodations to love one more child. You can always vacation somewhere you can drive to or entertain more at home rather than go out. But you will only have this one chance to love this new little baby.

I am a 34 year old first time mother to a 3 1/2 month old beautiful baby boy.

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A.P.

answers from New York on

My brother and his wife can't have children and are learning of how difficult it is to adopt. That may be an option for you.

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A.C.

answers from New York on

Wow, I am sorry you feel so burdened at a time when you were probably full of anticipation, at least, with your prior pregnancies. Times are tough. A forth unexpected child can be a scary prospect. But things always have a way of working out. Circumstances can change. Terminating your pregnancy is SO permanent. There is no changing that decision once it is done. I have known several women who have had abortions and it always changes them and their relationships. There is always the ache of not knowing your unborn child and not knowing who God meant for them to be. If finances really are an impossible barrier to a forth child, would it be possible to sacrifice for 9 months and then adopt the baby out? It would take a strong woman to do that, but if you are a mom of three you already are a strong woman. There are many couples who would forever be greatful for the opportunity to share in the life you are carrying. Sometimes things don't make sense in the moment, but later are perfectly clear. Give this one some time to think about. Making decisions out of fear is never a good idea. Pray God gives you clarity and peace... I will be praying the same. A. C.

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A.D.

answers from Washington DC on

Denise,
I am adopted and I would really encourage you to think seriously about this option if you truly feel that you cannot provide for this child. If my birth-mother had chosen to terminate her pregnancy, I would not be here and neither would my baby girl. I thank my birth-mom in my prayers every single day and hope for the chance to someday thank her in reality. I ended up with the most WONDERFUL parents and not once did I have any feelings of being "not wanted" in all my 33 years. My life and the adoption were the best gifts I ever received. So, without any drama or speeches, I just wanted to reply and let you know that this is truly a good option to consider. Whether you are pro-choice, pro-life, whatever...just know that there are other options than terminating the pregnancy. Thanks for listening...and I wish you the best.

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B.R.

answers from New York on

I had terminated a pregnancy while married. Obviously my hubby at the time had no clue how to use a condom. I know I would've loved to have another child, but I was in my 40's, the hubby was a bad father not to mention a drunk, and I refused to have another child brought into this life in a dysfunctional family. It did sadden me but I knew this was the best thing. I am now divorcd several years, and 2 car accidents later, I would never have been able to be the same mom I was to my other 2. Both girls I have are perfect, my older finished her masters and my baby graduated college this Saturday. Unfortunately, he had been around more while she was growing up and she has his temper, which makes me sad, because she is perfect in every other way. I had both my girls and it's enough, and I dont beat myself up over the termination because I would not have been able to be a good mom with an alkie anymore. Note, I filed for divorce when my younger one started HS because I thought she would be able to handle it better, but not so. We were in so much debt, an alkie can't control himself, so having to go through more diapers and formula and education, just didn't fit in. I hope this helps a little.

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K.W.

answers from New York on

Hi Denise,

I think your worst fears might be true... my OB/GYN once told me that with store bought tests, there are only false negatives, no false positives. Apparently, there is an enzyme that is produced only when you're pregnant and if its there, its there, and the test will let you know. So, that brings me to my opinion.... do what YOU and your husband think is the best for your family. If you don't want and/or can't afford another child, then terminate your pregnancy. Finances can be huge stressors on a couple/family, and so can children, especially if you have more than you can handle! Just please be at peace with whatever you decide. I am a 34 year old married mom of three, after my third, we decided that was it and I had a tubal. We are at peace with that decision. I know there are people who aren't 100% commited to a YES or NO decision, but when it is a situation like this, I think you have to be 100% sure of your decision or regret, no matter what you decide, could tear you apart.

Also, I know you asked for opinions, but this is one area where only your family's opinion matters (no one here walks in your shoes!)... you will probably get many strong opinions on this about what you should/shouldn't do.

Good luck to you!
K.

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T.M.

answers from Utica on

Remember, the decision you make on this pregnancy now, you will have to live with for the rest of your life. If you feel like a bad teenager for thinking about it, Think again. How does you husband feel about this? Are you posative you don't have room for one more child? And is there any possiblity that someone else would love to have a baby and that you could see a way to let them adopt the child if there is no way possible to afford another child?

I lost a little girl to SIDS and to this day I wonder about who she would be and this year makes 22 years. I also had a miscarriage and wonder about that child too. that one would be 23. T.

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K.L.

answers from Syracuse on

Denise - Please dont think that this is a snotty answer but -- there is always enough -- always enough money always enough room and always enough love !!! As the mother of four thinking we were done at 2.... our last 2 suprises have been the most incredable births and have added so much fun ans excitment to our family when alot has been sad and hard ! believe me don't do the other route you'll always wonder what if I hadn't done it... you can never reverse it !! please don't even consider it -- it will allwork out it will... You may not think so right now, but it will....

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A.B.

answers from New York on

I'm sure you had many responses so what's one more. Drug store tests are incredibly accurate. I'd say 99%. So without sparing your feelings I'm sure you already know you have to make a decision. My girlfriend has two beautiful kids. When they were 3 and 1 1/2 she found out she was pregnant. She was always pro choice till she had kids and then she was against it, for herself anyway. They couldn't afford a third and her husband blamed her for not being more careful, as if she impregnanted herself. She did in the end have an abortion, more because of the pressure from her husband and she says she is ok with it, but I know she is not. Point of my response, make sure it's something you want to do and that it's your decision. Because the only person in pain will be you, both mentally, physically and spiritually. I wish you luck and peace with whatever decision you come to. A. B

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A.C.

answers from New York on

I have not had an abortion so I'm afraid I can't advise in that department. I imagine that your turmoil must be greatly difficult. Only you and your husband know what is best for your family. Whatever decision you make will be the right thing. Don't let guilt consume you whether you do it or not. Once you make the decision, just stick to it and move forward from there, not thinking of "what ifs". I wish you and your husband good luck in this.

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K.H.

answers from Utica on

Good Morning Denise
I am just going to tell my story because ultimately you will make your own decision. I was 39, thought I was ill, cancer or something. My boys were 14 and 19 years old. Older was in college, younger was completely incapacitated with a head injury. We had been married 20 years. I went to OB-GYN and found myself pregnant with twins. I never contemplated not having them. It was sure better than what I had thought. As people found out I was pg., most told me to terminate in one way or another. Most said they would have. I had my twins at 40. They were healthy and strong weighing in at 5'11" and 6'8". I will skip forward to today. The twins, girls are graduating from homeschooling, and both are headed to college. I am younger than I was when they were born. I have younger friends, and do things I would never have tried. I would by now if not years ago be doing senior citizens things. I am not ready for that even today. I can't imagine my life without them. Most people don't know I even have the boys and assume I am 40ish now. The boys: older-- emails us to let us know he is alive, younger boy is married and having our first grandchild later this year. Oh I forgot the younger boy completely recovered, and today a lawyer. OK so it wasn't without trial, but I will take the trials over the agony of not having them. You see at 19 weeks, I went into labor. Spent 19 weeks in bed, trusting God that I would see a miracle. Many prayers, and only 3 weeks early the girls were born. 12 - 15 we dealt with eating disorder, but all is well now.
God has a plan for you and it is a plan for good. I could not ask for a better life as we get ready for our empty nest, the kids all think I should find myself pg. again, not really but all have said "do foster care or adopt mom" Kinder words I couldn't hear, even from the oldest.
God bless your decisions
K. SAHM of 4, homeschooling the younger 2, and knowing beyond a doubt today that God does not give us more than we can bear. Email me at [email protected]____.com Many more stories, many miracles. Don't miss out on what is there for you.

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J.F.

answers from New York on

Have you ever considered adoption? A friend of mine has been trying to get pregnant for the past three years with no luck. SHe has now started looking into private adoption. All nyour expenses get paid and also a payment for the baby. What do you think? Good luck! J.

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A.A.

answers from New York on

My father always said, "Every baby is born with a loaf of break under his/her arm." If you have love in your heart and home, you can afford another child. There's a bigger picture that we aren't always privy to in the moment. Don't let your anxiety drive this decision. You have your whole life to make money - but a small window of opportunity to make miracles.

(We might be expecting a little blessing in the form of an accident as well. We're on one income and the timing is not the greatest - we have a 7mo old and a 2 year old. But I've decided not to make a decision that should be made out of love, based on our current financial situation. Financial situations change. Love is constant.)

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J.E.

answers from Rochester on

Hi Denise, Please give that baby a chance. Even though he or she hasn't been born yet, it is still a life and you don't have the right to take it away. I am not trying to sound harsh or judge you, I just feel very strongly about it. Money is not everything in life. Think about the kids you have now...if you had to choose between them and all your material possessions you would without doubt pick them right? Choose this child as well. May God's love and strength be with you.

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C.D.

answers from New York on

have the baby - you will surprise yourself at what you can handle - this baby could be the biggest blessing you have ever had -

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P.M.

answers from New York on

I can't even imagine. I was always pro choice. Anyway, I got married at 31, and by 33 we were ready to have kids. We couldn't get pregnant and we had IVF and have a 2.5 yrs baby boy. I recently tried to get pregnant again (IVF again), and did but had a miscarriage a few weeks later. It was not easy. I have decided that I am no longer pro choice. My point is people like me go through hell and back for the possibility of getting pregnant, and I have to think about what if I can't have anymore and having to be OK with that. The IVF is a very involved process, and to actually get pregnant and loose it is devastating. It sure didn't feel like loosing "a ball of cell" when I was going throught the miscarage, and though it may just be that "in the cout of law", it wasn't for me. In my opinion if you can afford three, you can afford 4. You already have everything, so what's the cost? Diapers and formula??? Can't one of you work little more? Can't you maybe watch someone else's child for some money? You're talking about maybe $150 a month and much less if you breast feed.

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L.H.

answers from Melbourne on

I had the same situation 2 years ago. I did nothing but cry when I first found out I was pregnant again. I was 40 years old and I was already past the baby thing. My children were already 17, 12 & 9. We couldn't afford the 3 we had. I was back working full time again. I had thought about aborting but now I am glad I didn't. I believe there is a reason for everything. I now have a beautiful healthy 2 year old named Anthony and couldn't imagine life without him. Things always work out and you really need to think about what you will feel like afterwards. Would you ever be able to forgive yourself and wouldn't you always wonder, what would this baby have been like. I hope I have helped you some.

L.

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M.O.

answers from New York on

Dear Denise,

I am a 41 year old woman who has studied to be a midwife an have assisted many births.
I have had several abortions in my life, before my marriage to my husband and also during the 19 years that I have been with him. We are happily married. I have 2 home-schooled children 17 and 10 years old. I love and enjoy them very much.
I have lead a busy and hectic life as a traveling entertainer and having more children was not an option and to tell you the truth I did not want more. I don't regret my abortions at all. I know in my heart that I made the right choice for me and my family, as does my husband.
In the end it is your choice, what you feel in your heart and what YOU feel you are ready for in your life. Don't let your finances dictate because it always seems like there is not enough money but where there's a will there is a way.
Women since the beginning of time have taken these matters into their own hands. By herbs, massages, using tools to aggravate the uterus. Abortion is not a new thing. Fortunately we live in a place and time where in can be done safely. I have been through several different methods of abortion. Some have been painful as I did not use anesthesia during the D&C in the early days. Now it is done by taking pills and is way less traumatic.
My husband and I did use birth control but it sometimes failed. After my last abortion we both realized we did not want any more children and my husband got a vasectomy which has been the greatest blessing for both of us. Having the freedom to have a loving mature relationship without worrying about getting pregnant anymore is very sexually liberating for us.
Choosing not to have a baby is a private decision and nobody will know unless you tell them. Just make a choice that YOU can live with. Don't let other peoples morals get in the way.
Just by putting this difficult question out there tells me you are a loving caring mother who will make the right choice for you and your family.
I wish you all the best.
Blessings to you and your and enjoy what you have.
If you want to speak to me further about my abortion experiences don't hesitate. I will be here for you.
Love, M.

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R.C.

answers from New York on

Hopefully the test at the doctors office will come up negative....

For me it would not be a difficult decision. If I couldn't afford a 4th child I would not only have an abortion as soon as possible, I would also have my tubes tide.

Only you know what is best for you and your family and no matter what you decide to do, don't waste time on feeling guilty. Know that you have to work on coming to terms with your decision either way.

I had an abortion many years ago...being single, and not able to afford having a child....that was my decision and I was never sorry that I had done this. I had it done in a hospital, was put out for it on my request and there was no pain.....followed the doctors recovery directions and all went well...
I understand from talking to others, having an abortion without being put out ranges from uncomfortable to painful depending on the level of pain one can handle.

Anyway, I can't help but feel struggling to support myself is one thing....struggling to support children is all together another matter. Struggling to support children being depressed because you can't provide is not a way to raise happy productive children...Yet many do this as they believe that in having an abortion is taking a life....that God has a way to provide. Personally, I do not agree with these people.

Anyway, what ever you decide, good luck...

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H.R.

answers from New York on

I can really identify, I too had a 4th pregnancy and I was told not to have anymore by my doctor. my first 3 were 18 months apart and it was 4 years since my last child was born. They were all the best of friends and I had just given away every last thing of the baby stages right down to my crib, playpen and highchair! 2 weeks later I discovered I was pregnant. I was very down and a bit angry.
We just couldn't aford it and my health was not the best.
(We have done without the expensive toys and outrageous clothes, sneekers and extravagant things in life but we have really not missed anything!) I had a very, very hard time adjusting to the idea of what felt like starting all over. BUT- it was the best pregnancy Of all - He was welcomed by his older siblings with great Family and friends pitched in with things to borrow and he became such a blessing - we could never have forseen the wonderfull impact on our family and our lives.
He became such a unifying factor to our little family unit.
Today he is 25 years old and is in Indonesia teaching english as a second language. A blessing to all who know him. All this to say - God has a purpose - and he is truly worth trusting. This may be a false alarm or it may be the best thing that has ever happened to you in a little surprise package that you need to open.
I pray you have the courage to open it and receive the blessing.

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C.R.

answers from Syracuse on

I have 5 little boys(8yrs and younger)...#5 was the oh **** we're knocked up again...my son is 21months and my husband was let go the day before I was induced...he has bounced from job to job(not finding one in his field), we are selling our house and we have moved and are living with my in-laws...all in all the last almost 2 years have really been hard(that seems to put it mildly)but everyday I am grateful for all of our children. I know we will bounce back to where we were and although my kids go without all the ipods and game systems I truly think they are better off for it...we do things together as a family and we are all tighter for it. My kids have been limited on what sports they can play and extra things they can do but you'd be surprised that once you are looking for it how much affordable (FREE) stuff there is out there for kids/families. I guess it's my opinion that God gives you what you can handle and yes some things will have to give and I'd rather it be a house than my child. You can use hand-me-down-clothes or trade with friends, switch from brand name to generics there are a lot of little changes in your everyday that make a big difference on the budget...if that is truly your only concern. I wish you the best with your choice.

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A.G.

answers from New York on

I am PRO-LIFE so I personaly think ending it is not an option. There are lots of familys that want a child that can't. Think long term as to how you will feel in the future.

I had a miscarriage last July and it has crushed me. Choosing to not have a BABY because of finances is not a good reason. Every child is a miracle.

Have your miracle and have your tubes tied but please HAVE YOUR BABY! A.

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K.D.

answers from New York on

Thank goodness there is still choice. It is yours and yours alone to make. It is never an easy one, but there are wonderful people to talk to to help you sort everything out for yourself. You might want to call Planned Parenthood of NYC and speak to a counselor there.

Good luck.

Mom of 3 amazing kids(14, 13, and 2) and I did have one abortion.

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K.R.

answers from Syracuse on

Hi Denise,

I know that there are many different opinions out there on this issue. You are the only one that can make this decision on your own. This is your body. However, you will be reminded of what you did for the rest of your life every time you hear a baby cry or see a little child playing. Your mom let you live to have a life full of blessings. Maybe this child should have the same chance. My husband and I have 6 children. It is not easy financially but it is ALL worth it!!
One more thing, look at your children that you have now. Ask yourself which one would you have chosen to abort?

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N.D.

answers from Albany on

I want to help and say the one thing that is going to make this better for you. However, in my heart the only thing I can find to tell you is that there is a reason for every child. I would recomend taking the next 9 months to find ways to make more money. Imagine what you life would be like without the three beautiful children you have. You can be assured that this child will be an even bigger blessing for the sacrifice you have to make for it. I could say,"Do what is best for you" but then I don't think ending the life of a child is what is best in any circumstance and that is not what is best for YOU either. If you have to give the child up, I would consider adoption. Every decision you make impacts the events that happen around the world both in the present and the future through the chain of relationships we all have with one another. Your children are on the grander scale of things. More so than any money can buy. I would recomend thought that you or your husband get on better birth control or have procedures so that you do not have any more children. You probably know all this and no, I do not think you are a bad person for having these thoughts. Please give yourself more time though than "cramming" to make your decision. Adoption or more money are my answers. Best wishes to you.

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K.H.

answers from New York on

Don't terminate because of money. Believe me, where there is a will, there is always a way. Everything happens for a reason... everything!! You'll make ends meet and be grateful and thankful that you did. You have 3 young kids with all their clothing, equipment, etc, and I'm sure you have friends and family that will be with you through this all the way. Be thankful that you CAN have children so easily and so well! I've been trying for 8 months to have my 3rd, and I'd give the world to get a positive right now. Good luck. I hope you make the right decision to nurture this beautiful gift of life you've been given.

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N.I.

answers from New York on

Dear Denise,

God has given you another precious life , don't abort! There are so many couples who want children, and if you really can't afford to have another child, please consider adoption. Don't be offended!!
Please discuss this with authorized and legal agencies, in order not to cause any misunderstanding with all concerned.
Blessings are gifts and we should cherise each and everyone. Don't feel guilty for feeling the stress and pressure, its normal. When we focus on what is right and just, everything willfind a way of turning out best for all.
God bless you and keep focus,
Nilda

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M.L.

answers from Seattle on

Oh, sweetie. What a tough choice. My two cents would be to let someone else raise the child, through adoption. I have several friends who are desperately waiting in line for their babies. I can't tell you what to do, but take it into consideration? Not everybody can be a "fertile Myrtle" like some of us, but you could give the gift of a lifetime if you saw this through for the next nine months.

You can go to the following site for more information:
http://www.providentliving.org/ses/birthmother/wecanhelp/...

C.B.

answers from New York on

I have to share that I have chosen to abort, I have chosen to plan an adoption and I am parenting. I can talk to you about any of these options. I will share that I found the abortion experience to be traumatic and I only recently began the emotional/spiritual healing (4 years later). Adoption is not the dark scary thing it used to be. You can choose where the child goes and have contact through the years if that is something you want. I would say please don't jump to abortion as a problem solver. In my experience it only created an new set of problems. No matter how I tried to justify the decision...It really was for the best, I can't afford it, It's not really a kid..I knew they were all lies I was telling myself so I wouldn't have to feel guilty. I lived in that denial for long enough and now I can I can share honestly about it. If money is the issue. Money can work itself out and there are services that are ready to help you with your material needs. If you would like to know more about my experiences please contact me.

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K.S.

answers from Rocky Mount on

Dearest Denise,
Oh my. Though I have not been in this position I can say this. A child whil know when they are unwanted. Many of my cousins were unwanted children that ended up going hungry some were beaten often. I have another cousin that was "given up" to adoption. She found out her birth mother kept the other children but not her. This has caused her life long hurt of being the "unwanted" one. Please think of this.

However, know that you will have to live with the knowledge that you terminated this life.

Either way your decision is a hard one. You and your hubby have to do what is right for you and your family.

(((HUGS)))
Kristal

"God will not give you more than you can handle, I just wished he didn't trust me so much!" ~ Mother Theresa

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J.M.

answers from New York on

i know alot of people wont agree with me, but i really dont feel like suggesting adoption in this case is a reasonable one. now if denise decided that or asked about it, it would be fine, but to suggest to a married mother of 3 whom im sure has many friends and family gatherings, and children old enough to know what is going on, that she should carry the baby then give it up, just doesnt seem reasonable. if she did it, that would be commendable, dont get me wrong. im just saying to put yourself in her shoes and realize adoption in this case would be very difficult. im sure all that KNOW her, unlike here, would be nonstop trying to convince her to not give the baby up, persecute, judge, distance themselves, ect. adoption is a wonderful, selfless gift, but not all pregnant women are in a compatible living situation.

denise, imo i would have this baby. if you already have 3, there isnt going to be that dramatic of a difference to add one more. children arent that expensive at this young age, and hopefully by the time they are at an age that is more expensive, you will be making more. as for your lifestyle being affected, i hope you mean something like work or schooling, as if you are referring to any social events, that is what adults give up when having children, so that should not be a factor.
matter what you decide, you should have the promise of one of you getting the procedure done to prevent this in the future. if you do decide to terminate, remember that it will be different for you, a mother of 3 children born out of love, a grown adult with her life pretty much mapped out at this point vs a young teenager who has no idea what a baby is. it will be much harder on you than on someone who doesnt know what it feels like to have a baby. just prepare yourself.
otherwise, you are going to get nothing but personal beliefs on here. the question- keep baby, abortion, adoption. everyone is going to tell you what THEY think, but that really has no bearing on your situation. you are asking advice on a very controversial subject and are getting answers on peoples views on the sub vs what they think YOU and your situation should do. please take more time to talk this thru and sit down with hubby. and make sure you are doing what you want vs what hubby may want. good luck

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A.A.

answers from Rochester on

Denise,
I have read most of your responses and I agree with a lot of them. I have terminated two pregnancies before I was married and I have to tell you that the pain will NEVER go away. I have confessed and been forgiven, but the fact of what I did still remains. It is a mortal sin to terminate a pregnancy. Each soul is given a guardian angel from the time it enters the mother's womb at conception. When that soul's physical life is terminated, the angel takes the soul back to heaven and you will be accountable, as well as your husband and all the people who advised you to do this. When God said "blessed is he who's quiver is full" he was talking about children. The more children you have the more blessed you are. The marital act is supposed to produce more people like you and your husband. It is not for your sole pleasure, although that is part of it. When you partake of the act for pleasure only, you are pleasing only yourself and becomes a selfish act. It is not from heaven. We are supposed to give up ourselves completely when performing the marital act. This means accepting the natural result in a birth of a child. Ask God for the wisdom to handle what seems to be his will in giving you this fourth child. He has a plan for every soul that he puts on this earth. That includes you.

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D.G.

answers from Chattanooga on

I think abortion should only under few cases. It takes 2 to make a baby. for those that just can't afford it give your baby to someone who wants one who can't. Abortion is a bad thing.

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A.P.

answers from New York on

Termination is NEVER a good option. If you really believe that one more child is too much there is ALWAYS adoption. Some wanting couples will even pay all medical bills. That would solve the money issue. You mention that your lifestyle cannot afford another child. You can always just re-evaluate what you spend money on and how you spend it, see if there are things you can live without...going out to eat...eating steak all the time...movies....long trips......A child should never be looked at as another THING. You have to remember that this is a human being, that the baby growing inside of you already has a soul. Also, research shows that a woman's long term outcome with abortion is never good. They are racked with guilt..experience severe depression..some women become infertile..some experiece severe hemorraging.

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M.M.

answers from Syracuse on

I would say you are courageous and smart to get as many opinions as you can.

Give youself peace and confidence that you as a mom, have Devine connection to whatever is the right path for you and your children.

Be still, calm your busy mind, be wise and figure out what your soul's dream for your future is telling you, then do whatever that is.

If your dream is strong enough, the facts don't count.

M.

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J.B.

answers from Syracuse on

I know what you are feeling. When I found out we were expecting our 4th child last year I was freaking out. I didn't know how we would be able to handle it with 3 kids already ages 7,5 and 2 at the time. About the same ages as yours. I will tell you that now I can't imagine our life any other way. Our baby is such a ray of sunshine and brings so much joy to our family. He's an easy going baby... God only gives you what you can handle. There is always someone to entertain him too! As for the checkbook, if you accept this baby into your life, the Lord will provide you with countless blessings. It will all work out. Besides, you probably have a ton of stuff from your other kids for hand me downs. Hang in there and take some time to get used to the idea and try to have some faith. That's what helped me. I'll be thinking of you.

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S.B.

answers from New York on

I know a few married women who have aborted an unplaned pregnancy. I'd do it myself, if it happened now with nearly grown children.

The bottom line is that you have to do what is right for your family - no matter what "people" say.

There is no shame in keeping your family manageable.

My 2 cents, anyway,
S.

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J.F.

answers from Buffalo on

I'm in your situation right now. We just found out number 4 was coming this december. I'm not happy, hubby is. We can't afford it at all, but we are going to make do somehow.

I came very close to ending the pregnancy by taking a ton of vitamin c. My husband and I discussed it, actually argued over it. I ended up not doing it, not because I thought it was wrong, though.

Before you get any ideas, the vitamin c is 'iffy' and can only be done before 6 weeks of pregnacy with safety. It interferes with the implantation and also reduces the hold of an implanting egg. Don't try it if you are 5-6 weeks. You can cause serious bleeding and that can be life threatening.

I had an abortion in 2000 and I still regret it. I still believe in a woman's right to choose. It's just not something I would do again. You have no reason to feel like a bad teen. Things like this happen. Just sit down with your husband, think of the positive and negatives of both choices. Be sure you are both on the same page and come up with a choice you can both live with.

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J.H.

answers from Syracuse on

This child was conceived with the same love your other 3 children were...Believe me when I say I know how it feels to be strapped for cash...but this is your child - not a financial inconvenience.

I certainly can't tell you what to do, but I believe someone "upstairs" gave you this gift...it's up to you to do the right thing by this baby.

There are all sorts of ways to raise a family on not a lot of money...for crying out loud - look at the Duggars!!! LOL.

In all seriousness...could you really - with a clear conscious - terminate a baby over money?

Best wishes to you.
J.

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L.D.

answers from New York on

Please don't abort your pregnancy. We were quite surprised with the news of our unplanned fourth pregnancy, but now that our son is 2-1/2 years old, we are so thrilled to have him in our lives. He is a sweet, lovable, laughable little boy and I don't know what our lives would be like without him. If you really don't think you'd be able to manage with a fourth, would you consider carrying to full-term and then putting the baby up for adoption? It could mean the world to a couple who can't have their own. Good luck!

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M.K.

answers from New York on

Wow this is a really tough subject. I know of one friend who has terminated a pregnancy due to it being unwanted, and one other due to medical reasons. This really is a personal decision between you and your husband, for obvious reasons I wouldn't want to include the children. You really need to hink through how it will effect your family, does your husband feel the same way?

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E.S.

answers from Albany on

I have known people who have terminated pregnancies and they all regretted it. Its a personal descision. I would not have an abortion personally. I couldnt afford the 3 I did have at the time, they are all adults now and I am glad we indeed had them all. Money cannot be your basis. Because it all does work out. There is always more than one answer to financial needs you cannot be fixed in your idea of "affordable" , What would you be willing to give up. That is the bottom line in all descisions. What are you willing to give up so this child can have a life? If you do not want another child you could consider adoption. I have known people who have done that too.

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T.D.

answers from New York on

This baby is a precious gift. Embrace it. The rest will work itself out.

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J.C.

answers from Utica on

Yes, I know someone who has terminated a pregnancy. She does not regret it at all because it was for the best interest of the child (mind you if the test just came back positivie it is not a child it is a ball of cells). She could not have possibly took care of another child and it wouldn't have been fair to the son that she already had to bring into this world a child that could potential hurt the family (not being able to afford clothes, food or shelter for the people already in the family). As long as your husband is okay with it I say it is you and your husband choice. Noone else even needs to know but the two of you and the person who does it.

FOR THE PEOPLE THAT HAVE COMMENTED THAT RIGHT NOW THE BABY IS NOT A BALL OF CELLS WHICH IS CALLED A ZYGOTE WHICH IS WHAT YOUR BABY IS IN THE FIRST STAGES. I HAVE SOMETHING TO TELL YOU. IF SHE WAS TO GO INTO LABOR RIGHT NOW GUESS WHAT IT WOULD NOT LIVE AND THAT IS BECAUSE IT DOESN'T HAVE DEVELOPED LUNGS OR DEVELOPED BODY PARTS WHICH WOULD NOT MAKE IT A VIABLE BABY. THEY WOULD NOT EVEN CALL IT A BABY IN A COURT OF LAW RIGHT NOW THEY WOULD CALL IT A FETUS. SO GET RIGHT BEFORE YOU COMMENT.

SO DENISE PEOPLE WHO SAY DONT' TERMINATE HAVE FORGOTTEN THAT WE ALL HAVE A FREEDOM OF CHOICE NO MATTER IF THEY LIKE IT OR NOT. I AGREE WITH WHAT THE ONE WOMAN SAID BETTER TO BE A GOOD MOM OF 3 THEN A OVERSTRESSED MOM OF 4.

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