Online Video Games and Spouses

Hi P.,

How do you dole out video/game time to the kids? Do the same with the hubby. In my house we have "video bucks" - do a chore and get paid. Each buck is work 15 minutes of play. Take out garbage = 1 buck, folding laundry = 2 bucks, mopping kitchen floor = 8 bucks. You're the boss and banker. It works and the house gets cleaned. The only caution is that it can become competitive to see who can earn the most bucks.

What about time spent together?
Sounds like you both need to think about priorities and chat about how you can achieve them.

Hi, P..

Maybe counseling is the answer. Maybe beating him to the computer a few nights and letting him do everything is the answer. I was like this... always playing on the computer and then my husband died and it really woke me up. I don't want you to go to these extremes, believe me. I wish you the best of luck on this.

Hi P.,
Ohhhhh, this sounds so familiar! My husband both plays poker online (for HOURS) and also plays rugby for a local team (2 nights per week from 6pm-midnight, plus every Saturday, YEAR ROUND!). This used to make me so mad. And then I thought, wait a minute! Why am I doing all this laundry, and all the shopping, and making the dinners, and bathing the kids, and cleaning the house? So... I hired a cleaning lady, went to Dream Dinners, and hired a nanny. Yes, it's expensive, but my sanity is worth it to me. I'm not going to be superwoman working 50 hours a week, paying all the bills, and then coming home and being a homemaker too. It's just not what I signed on for. He actually complained about how expensive all the hired help is, and I told him, you can either do it all yourself or shut up about it. And he shut up about it! So now when he says, "What's for dinner?" I tell him, go look in the freezer and pick whatever Dream Dinners you want, and make it. And I assign him tasks, just like I would one of my employees at work. (Such as, taking the kids to a birthday party, or taking the dry cleaning in, or going to the grocery store.) Like good ol' Dr. Phil says, we teach people how to treat us. So take the bull by the horns and teach him that either he changes or you will do the changing for him...

P. --- I'm hoping your husband isn't equating what his contribution is to how much he makes (if he makes more than you).

I've been married for 35 years to the same wonderful man, and have two adult daughters and twin grandbabies at home. Husband works fulltime, both daughters go to school, one daughter also works 30-35 hours. However, there were times when they all thought they were doing enough to contribute to the household. Other than the girls doing their own laundry, I pretty much was left to do the rest.

I nagged, I cried, I got mad (especially when they told me "just ask if you need help" as if they weren't aware that dinner had to be made every night).

I finally sat down and made a list of the household chores: laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning up after meals, loading/unloading the dishwasher, vacuuming, dusting, general picking up, distributing mail, distributing phone messages, taking garbage out, mowing lawn, gardening, washing cars, etc.

I called a family meeting and began by listing each person's name on the whiteboard and asked each person to list how many hours they worked and/or went to school each day. Next, I asked them if they like certain things: a clean kitchen, regular meals, clean house, etc. and if there was anything they thought we could live with not doing (letting dishes pile up in the kitchen, letting pantry supplies run out, forgoing cleaning/vacuuming, etc.). Then I listed each of the chores on a white board and asked each family member in turn to add any chores that I had missed and then write their name after the job they did by themselves on a regular basis (i.e., all the time). They didn't add anything and were not able to list their name next to anything other than doing their own laundry (and only my daughters, at that) and my husband next to mowing the lawn. We all help take the garbage out on garbage night. Then I got up and wrote my name next to virtually all the other jobs. It was a great visual for them to see that I was having to do so much.

We agreed on the spot that each person doing laundry would have a regular laundry day. That day is theirs unless they want to allow someone else to do laundry. This way, everyone does their laundry every week or they get inundated in dirty laundry.

We also agreed that someone would go with me each week to grocery shop and that whoever DOESN'T go to the store with me helps to create the menu. Similar agreements were made regarding cooking and cleaning up. Whoever doesn't help with cooking has to put away leftovers and clean up the kitchen. Each week we rotate who vacuums, who dusts and who picks up.

Each person has a plastic bag on a rack on the back of the door to the garage. If clutter collects, I put the clutter in the bag for that person. If they're missing something, they know to go to the bag.

It's getting better, now perfect yet. But now I don't feel like I'm ultimately responsible for all the chores that need to get done.

Good luck!

I am retired Director of large company. I know what it is to be so Needed at work. It was a great feeling. However, your children and husband do pay the price for you being away so many hours a week. I think if you cut back on your work hours and were home more and planned evening fun night, etc. you could entice your husband away from his game. a date night might also help. If our priority is our work, our men will find his priority as well. Hope I helped.

HI P.:
Just because you asked I dare to "advice":
You work way, way too many hours. Obviously, you both are always tired from work and still have 4 kids to mind.
Those kids need a mother (let's not talk about quality time, because time is really important to children).
When I worked full time, I had two little girls and was exhausted most of the time. My husband worked full time (but never as hard as me) and when he got home he wanted to do his video game playing; and I needed to do chores and get the kids ready for bed, finish homework, laundry, etc. etc.
I was exhausted and never complying with the "wife's" duties. I felt that the situation was unfair. I did all the work and he had all the fun.

I have three kids now and stopped working. I have everything under control now; home, laundry, shopping, kid's homework, meals on time, and have time to study at home (without feeling guilty or underappreciated).
We don't have as much money now, but let me tell you: I do not miss it!! my kids deserve my presence and a happy mom.

Hope you can make arrangements for a happier life!

Hi there

I lost my husband first to HALO (xbox360) and now to Age of Mythology. He doesn't call it a game...it is a "relaxer/decompressor" for him. After a hard day's work it is his way of having "down" time. If it's not the video games, it's the "short" naps that he needs, or as he refers to them, " just a few minutes to rest his eyes!" Wow...where do I sign up? I would love that "down time too. I too am a mother of 4, ages 11,10,6 & 4. Funny my down time is cleaning up the dishes and reminding kids that they need to get homework done! I have learned that it is OK to let him play, but after about 30 minutes he needs to come back to reality. Now when the kids have questions, or need something, I say in a loud voice so he can hear..."go ask your dad, he's just playing a game...mind you, a game that can be PAUSED when needed. He still occasionally gets mad at me, but I don't let it get to me. We decided to have 4 kids together and we will raise 4 kids together. I have also learned the more you try to stop them from playing, the more they will play. Unfortunately they are the biggest kids of all and unfortunately have more attitude than teenagers. Hang in there. Hopefully it is just a phase and will soon pass.

Im a mother of four as well. My husband and I have been through this situation. Any time that I would bring up the fact that he spent way to much time playing video games and that I needed help with the house work and kids, he would say that I'm nagging and demanding. I then wrote him a letter that expressed how much i need his help with housework and OUR family I also made sure I included that I appreciate it so much when he does help and would just like if he could put our kids and home life first before he decides to zone out on games. It did get better. Occasionally he'll play a game but if I need him I just ask him if he could help with whatever.
I don't think men will ever realize on their on that there is house work to be done.

hm...sounds like he might be addicted.
I would suggest trying 2 things. While your husband is caring for the kids while you're still at work, see if he can take care of some of the things, like cleaning, bills, etc. Your kids are also old enough to pitch in. Let him know you like to relax too!! Don't attack his habit, it'll only make him defensive and not listen. Let him know you'd like to read for 5 or 6 hours too, but you cannot relax if there are piles of chores around. Make it a family issue too, so your kids understand they are old enough to pitch in and make things easier for you.

Second, see if you can agree on a set time to spend with each other. Whether it is an hour or 2, say you want to talk to him, have some intimate time, etc. Maybe for one hour after dinner or after the kids are down, you both agree to focus on each other. Again, don't attack the habit, but say you miss him and really want to spend some time with him. Perhaps a bit of romancing would be good? ;-)

Then, let the rest of the time be "whatever", WoW, reading, etc. He will have to confront his habit in his own time. For now, let him know that time with you is absolutely necessary and important, and he needs to make it a priority.

It used to be that men came home from the office, kicked up their heels in front of the TV. Now it's the computer!! I don't think anything has really changed, just the type of media.

Anyway, those are my 2 cents. While I think his habit is really irritating (I had some issues with Splinter Cell, ugh), it might be easier to focus on other things instead of the habit. It sounds like he is trying to pitch in, maybe he just needs a bit more guidance on what to finish up to be helpful. If he gets all that stuff done and you too get a chance to relax, maybe his habit will be less irritating. He may even say, "Gee! I kind of like relaxing with my babe. Maybe I'll not play today and hang out with her."

Now you know why they call it "World of Warcrack." Have you pointed out to him that YOU don't get 5 hours per day to do exclusively what you want? Does he comprehend the disparity? Lots of good ideas below.

My husband and I both enjoy playing WoW. We have two small children, so in order to make sure everything gets done we decided to pick a night that we could play and stick to that. It might help if you two can discuss your schedules and see if you can pick a night a week that he can play WoW. But the trade off is that you have to pick a night a week to do something you enjoy. That way you are both getting time to yourself doing something you enjoy without taking away from the family time.

My husband also likes to play video games at the computer. It is a form of relaxation to him after his work. When I am tired and overwhelmed, I would ask him to help on a particular task, and he would find time to do it. It is better than nagging him, and at the same time, there is the help you need. You may find resistance at first ("don't know how, you have been the one doing it..."), but he may come around after you tell him how tired and occupied you are. Otherwise, you can find a friend and have some pleasure time yourself. Good luck!

P., I am so sorry for your hurt and pain in this. Your hubby needs to see that this is like an affair. I would encourage you to go on the boundaries website: google cloudtownsend.org I think. Dr.s Henry Cloud and John Townsend are committed to helping people learn to have boundaries in their lives and how to communicate with those who don't have them. You can ask the very question you put on Mamasource and there will be a video response. Also, try using a word picture that communicates the depth of your hurt. You are not alone. There are many ladies who are WOW widows. I am praying for you.

i'm a WoW widow as well... we have 3 kids - ages 7, 5, 4

Angela & Juanita gave advice that has worked for me & my dh.

He works full-time and I work part-time (so I'm still able to be around for the kids after school). We both have our share of stress and being exhausted - and we are sensitive to each other. It is really hard when the work at home is more one-sided (mostly on me) but I make sure to communicate when I need his help. I had to learn how to not nag and not treat him like he's one of the kids. (He mentioned that to me once and it really made me really aware that I was not pleasant to be around which made him want to ignore me...)

We allow each other our "selfish" time every night - with him, it's WoW & fantasy sports... for me, it's my online messageboards and going out with my girlfriends a few times a month (i have a theatre group and am starting to play with a Bunco group). We both are committed to the kids... as long as we get our "jobs" done with the kids (which we've predetermined - dinner, homework, their activities, bath, etc.) then we can do what we want. His WoW guild has a bunch of dads on it, so he often does leave the game to take care of stuff with the kids or for me. His people seem to understand - I hear them doing the same. (He's on Ventrilo or Team Speak when he plays so I can hear all of their conversations - we share an office.)

My girlfriend in Chicago is a member of a WoW Widows Yahoogroup that she got lots of advice from --- her hubby is super hardcore... maybe they could help?

Good luck!!!

Hi P., As a Mom to 4 (13,11,7,6) with FT work out of house, PT work out of house and FT Mom at home experiences in the past 13 years...here is my advise to you. Go on strike for a few days. Yes, your kids will suffer a bit, but it is awe inspiring when they adapt and "do" on their own. Warn the family that you need a break, and that you will not be cleaning, doing laundry, cooking, etc for ?2? days. Do your best to ignore the piles and clutter...I know it is hard. You work hard all day & need to unwind too. Perhaps your husband does not realize that you do not have a chance to do so unless he pitches in during the evening as well. Another alternative: Is it within your financial means to hire help? We had a period of time where a woman came once a week to do all our laundry...a godsend. I know a Mom who has hired a helper to do all the food shopping and meal planning/cooking. She finds that she saves money since they don't go out to eat last minute. I hope you find a balance which works for your family. :) L.

Hi P..
My husband too, can sit and play games for hours. He chooses Playstation though. Even if there's nothing better going on, or anything else that needs to be done, I just hate it. I know once he starts it just keeps going and going...
At the worse, I've unplugged it and thrown it in the garbage - obviously not the solution. For me, I think it's the lack of attention I feel when he'd rather be playing, especially after our daughter goes to bed. Our solution that does seem to be working right now is if there is a night or two a week that there is a show on tv that I may be into, and he's not, then we'll make an agreement of I'm gonna go watch this while you play, and when my shows over you'll have finished up your game and then we'll spend some time together. It's working, mostly.
I definately hear you though, and am looking forward to other's responses.

There was a call just like this on Dr. Laura yesterday. Her suggestion was to put on something sexy (after the kids go to bed) and go sit on your husbands lap and start to "neck" with him. She told the woman to do this EVERY time he gets on the computer to play.

Also, my friend and her husband had this issue. After talking about it, they made an arrangement. One night a week he gets to play without any interruptions and she does her own thing.

My husband used to spend hours on the computer too. I finally told him that I felt like he was more interested in his computer then me and my daughter. I didn't get upset or attack him in any way. Just expressed my feelings. And fortunately he realized and understood how I felt. So now, he can still spend time on the computer but only after the household stuff is done, and he helps put our daughter to bed. Once she's asleep (which is usually when I go to bed too) he can stay up as late as he wants. Hopefully your husband will understand too and help out more. Good luck!

P., I am so sorry. It sounds like you are overworked, I know they are all good things (the things you do for your family) but it's just too much for one person to take on. It sounds like your husband is a fine person and a good father - he is just not seeing the problem as you know it right now.

As we all know well, we can not change a person or make them do anything. Love him as he is - not his addiction to video games, in fact don't bring it up again. You have talked to him about before, he knows where you stand, and it is up to him to make that change.

Meanwhile, praise him on the things he is going right, confirm that by telling him what a good father he is to the kids, give examples (i.e. "I am really proud of the way you've handled the lie that Chris told his teacher today, I think Chris will benefit from this lesson for the rest of his life."). Find something praiseworthy to tell your husband everyday.

And your family needs you - perhaps write down all the things you are doing...think about what's more important at this time. Keeping your family, job, winning your husband back, you can't do everything. None of us can. Is there some way to do a family budget cut, find creative ways to live on less, and work less?

I know it's hard, it's really really hard but remember this too shall pass. When you've passed over to the other side of this I hope you will find your sacrifice was worth it all.

Much love to you - hang in there!

O. T

I know exactly what you mean! My husband not only plays video games constantly, but he used to make them for a living. You know that saying, "If you can't beat them, join them"? Well, I did just that. My husband and I found video games that we could play together. This way, I got time with my husband and he got time playing games. Then, sometimes he plays a one-player game that I'm not interested in and I use that time to read, etc. But we had to lay down rules as to when it was okay to play his games...ie after kids went to bed, dishes were done, etc. Also, what works, is stop doing everything. When the house gets messy enough, maybe you will have made your point that you need his help. Just a couple ideas. Good luck!

Hello,
My husband is the same way. I can't tell you how many times it has caused problems. He wanted to log on right after our son was put to bed. That left me feeling left out, alone, and 2nd fiddle to a video game! We came up with the solution that two nights a week he gets to log on and lead raids at 6:30-7:00 while I put our son to bed, then the rest of the week he logs on after I go to bed, or if I'm reading or someting. What I get in exchange is time by myself on Saturdays to do whatever I want, go out for coffe, take a hike, wander the mall, etc, while he has our son. then sunday we have family time. perhaps yoy guys can come up with a similar compromise. what I found most important, actually, was the me-time and family time. now it doesn't bug me so much that he plays every night. but sometimes it still does. :) Good Luck to you.

P.,

I would like you to read what you posted. I notice you are very focused on what you don't want. If you re-write it and focus on what you do want, and actually say to your self thank you to my husband for helping me with the _______ (what ever you need help with) and start imaging what it is you want from him, and really believe he is doing it, as well as letting him know what you want, you will be amazed at the results. I have been doing this a lot more in my life, by focusing more what I do want. I keep the don't out of the mind, and it really works, as long as you believe in it.

I just read Peggy's responce below...DITTO!! Third paragraph was so me! OMG...I hated it when he would say "Just ask if you need help"!!

This is so funny for me to read, although a very serious subject too. My husband is a producer in the gaming business and responsible for the husbands out there who play CoH and CoV. He gamed as well constantly before we had kids…which was the first 7 years of our marriage. Once our first baby was here and I was tired all the time and needed help I released some frustration from time-to-time but learned to COMMUNICATE my needs OFTEN! Men do not have instincts or “men’s intuition”. You have to literally TELL them word-for-word what you need.

I don’t necessarily think my approach was the best one, it was often once I had already reached my boiling point, but he needs to realize how much there is to do still after the kids are in bed. This is such a hard balance and one that is different for every person. But if your needs are for more sleep, or more intimate moments, adult conversation, or just quiet time with your best friend, he needs to be told this. Make sure those kids are helping out too! It also helps to understand that he works hard at work as well and needs time to decompress too. These on-line games are addicting. WoW for instance, when you get up into the higher levels takes about 5-6 hours to go on a “raid” and you can’t just stop in the middle. That is why too that these “gaming times” need to be planned and agreed on between the two of you. Once or twice a week and or on evenings when the house is quiet and you have something you would like to do away from him, etc.

Also I bet he isn’t getting much in the bedroom these days and when they say foreplay for women is your husband doing the dishes, they mean it…especially after kids! Once you two can find a balance and he realizes that the happier you are the more “in the mood” you are, he will want to do the laundry rather than game.

I feel your pain and wish I had an exact answer…it took many years of learning how to respect each other and live a balanced life. It takes each person in a family to make it run!

Good luck!

I think you need to read a book titled, The Second Shift. It will change your life.

Hi P.!

It's sounds like you have a 5th child :o) I think most of us would say that we jokingly call our husband one of children, just not to his face :o)

It sounds like you two have an awesome relationship, and I bet he would be understanding if you simply asked for his help.

My husband starting "sticking around" in the morning to see the kids off to school. What a nice thing, huh? YIKES! He was SOOOOOO in the way it was making it harder to stay on schedule. I finally asked him to help or go to work!!! I hurt his feelings so bad when i said that in anger. I finally gave him a specific job to do at a specific time, if he wanted to be a part of the morning routine. Now he has more "duties" to help each morning, but I only started with 2 for him. I think it was a control thing on my part :o)

Come to find out, he always felt in the way and was afraid to ask because I had my own routine, and he was afraid of "getting in trouble" with me if he interrupted. For over a year now, we have had a successful morning routine, and the kids LOVE that their daddy is involved.

I'm sure if your husband knows you need his help he will jump in. You may just need to be SPECIFIC. He doesn't understand our "heavy sighs", etc....no matter how hard we hint! Simply pick something that you think will be the most helpful. It doesn't have to be done YOUR way as long as it's done, right :o) I would be surprised if he didn't want to help you. You might have to "bargain" with his playtime, though. For example, should his help be BEFORE he starts playing, or later? I mean, you want him to fell like you care about "his time". It is important that a man have "his time" also, just like a woman needs "her time". At least "his time" is at home and not "out with the guys".

My "big kid" (A.K.A my husband) is so much more involved in helping now, and all I had to do was ASK!!!

Good luck :o)

N.

My husband and I make deals. The key is sticking to them. We make up a monthly calendar and put all of our personal (alone) activities on their as well as time for us to do something together without our daughter. This game will have to be a scheduled activity that has a start time and end time. Just like if you were going to get a pedicure.

If that doesn't work I would call my Internet Service Provider and cancel the service.

We had similar issues and have found that two things help. One is sceduling time for both of us to do whatever we want and two is creating weekly chore check off sheets for everyone (except the baby) in our house. My hubby and I take 15 minutes on the weekend to update the chore sheets and then they are printed up and posted for the week, then we both know housework wise what is expected of us. Check out www.motivatedmoms.com it is what we based our chore shhets on.

My husband plays WOW too. I then played it for a while. It is an intense game that involves some long sessions. Perhaps make a deal with your husband to only 2 hours a night? Honestly, one hour is not enough to play the game. When he has long quests to do, ask him to do them on the weekends (they usually take 5-6 hours to complete).

Actually, I like to get onto the computer after the kids go to bed also. NOt for gaming, I just need some brain-candy time after being so busy and "on" all day long. And my husband doesn't like it much either. What helped me was to realize that to my husband, it looks like I'm preferring the computer over him. So now I try to limit my time, and I don't get upset when he needs his own time like this working in his shed.
I think you should show him that you understand he needs a little time like this (as you probably do to), and then try to agree on a mutual, but limited brain-candy time for each of you. Just remember that this time is to recharge so you can enjoy each other more and not so you can avoid each other for extended periods. Best wishes!

Maybe you've already tried this, but my husband is also a big gamer. We made a schedule for when my husband can play....and that, most of the time, is after our son is in bed....and my husband puts our son to bed during the week. I do it on the weekends. I don't even work full-time. I only work part-time, but I still have tons of stuff to do regardless (especially since I'm trying to start my own business). That worked for us. Hope it works for you too.

Just talk to him. Tell him you are tired and need help. Also, your kids are all old enough for chores. Why aren't they helping? Come up with a list of the chores, throw them in a hat and draw them one at a time every week - those are that person's chores for the week. Next week, repeat! We did that when I was a kid, I hated it, but it did teach me to clean and take care of myself and others. Plus, it taught me a lot of respect - for my parents, for others, and for the stuff we had! Good luck.

Have you tried writing everything down in a household journal? The things that need to be done, keep it where everyoen can see it. Then if everything's done, you both get your downtime.

I'd include in your journal time for each of you.

On one hand I know what you're talking about, on the other I play WoW with my husband. Once things are done at the end of the day we both log on. As silly as it is, that's part of our together time.

I'm not suggesting you play (unless you're interested in it) just saying schedule together time, and down time. Maybe if it's in writing where he can see it he'll realize that you miss him :)

Maybe your husband is bored? Is it possible for your family to join a health club, complete with a swimming pool? The kids can play with Dad. Do you have a basketball hoop? Get him outside and get him moving, he may feel better. Try "redirection" to change his violent-wargame- online addiction into something that is healthier- maybe a golf addiction, exercise addiction, etc? Sounds like your husband works 50-60 hours too, (work and watching the kids) so maybe he needs to destress just like you. A housecleaner service and gardener will make a huge difference for your family, allowing you more Mom-time with the kids.