Online Flirting

Hi, J.. Does he know that you know he is flirting? Maybe you should find out why he feels the need to flirt period.

It's no different than flirting with a woman in the same room as you. It's not acceptable. I would talk to him and tell him how you feel. If it bothers you that much he should stop all contact. This is how relationships start with a little flirting...maybe it becomes more...maybe it doesn't...but it shouldn't even be starting if he's living with you and has a child with you. Just my opinion.

Since he's your son's dad who you've been living with for 5 years by your own description, he obviously isn't taking the rules of "marriage commitment" into account. Because if you were married, there is no way this would be allowed.

So why is he enjoying the low standard of commitment? If you BOTH consciously decided you'd be happier "not" getting married, that's fine, but he will always sort of have the idea he's not cheating.

I know where you're coming from, my husband and I dated for 5 years before getting married-living together for 3. Since he traveled a lot and had a very social job, the line was painfully blurry, even though lots of our "committed couple" friends weren't married and it was working fine for them. And in the past, I had committed "live in" boyfriends and the loyalty was fine. But with HIM, as a girlfriend, I could never complain about the endless female friends, ex girlfriends, and acquaintances he was in touch with online and by phone-I mean I could, but it had no effect. I found myself trying to make myself important in my head by how LONG we had been together. It felt like grasping at straws even though our relationship was awesome. Finally, I was over it. When I kicked him out, he ended up proposing. But I was fully resigned to walk away, because he obviously thought married couples were more accountable than just living together ones, yet wouldn't take the extra step.

For instance, I wanted kids "one day" but he said he would never have kids with someone who wasn't his wife-then he was like-oops-because his whole shpeel was that our relationship was just as committed as a married one "without the paper". He had a lot of these slip ups about wives vs girlfriends and their authority.

I was shocked when he did step up, tie the knot, and then mysteriously, I had the right to lay down the law on all that stuff. The title does matter, don't let anyone fool you! He even said later that I should have laid down the law sooner, he just didn't know what to do to shake free of all the mayhem while I was being "cool" about it. Duh. Cool? I thought I was in mortal agony!

He's like a different person now. We have three kids, he's an awesome dad, he changed all his numbers and emails, and no longer chats with chicks. Everyone knows he has a wife, and his kids are his number one priority. Whatever the future holds, the kids and I have our rights.

The commitment without the title only works for people who are committed without the title-which your man obviously isn't if he's meeting chicks online.

If you don't want to get married, and you do want to keep him, you can try to fight him on this, but he will be able to sneak around and never really pay the piper with a divorce etc. You cannot control him. Watch his actions not his words. If he's doing this, it speaks to how committed he feels to you.

By no means will he automatically CHANGE if you marry him either. But at least you can fight your stance from a stronger place, and have some rights for you and your son if he continues to screw up. AND HE IS SCREWING UP! A distant German online is no different than a local girl on the phone. She's only a plane ride away if she decides to come for a visit and he suddenly has a "business trip somewhere" even for an afternoon. It HAPPENS! I doubt he has said much or anything about you to the German girl. He doesn't have to confess or hide having a wife. He's treating you and your son as less than real.

I hope you guys resolve this. Have a talk, set the rules. See if he'll comply, get ready to walk if he won't. Your son needs a good male role model, and not to see his mom being disrespected. If you want the rules without the marriage, make it clear and get him to agree to it. Don't expect him to comply on his own. Good luck!

NO WAY!! Are you in a relationship with him?? That is completely disrespectful to you and it needs to be addressed. You need to confront him and figure this out between you both. Demand respect for yourself and your relationship. Cheating does not just have to be physical...it can be emotional too! Stand up for yourself. Hope all works out and he wakes up!
Good luck.

Well J., a little so called harmful flirting leads to much bigger things. First of all you do not have a committment from your son's father because you are living together and not married. As they say, your the babies Momma. There are so many views on that topic but my personal opinion is hy buy the cow, goat or whatever when you can get the milk for free. It may sound a bit harsh but it is true. In situations like this it is the woman who has to not settle for less regardless of what words the man may put in there to make you feel guilty or feel that your brow beating him. You should not settle for anything less than a man who truly loves you and your child that you had together and will be there for the both of you. Prayerfully one day people will start to realize that the system that God set up is still very relevant today and a great one. One man for one woman loving and respecting each other and raising their children in love decency and respect. To often people are falling for the world system of do your thing and no one has a right to tell you that your wrong. Also there are other avenues that this online stuff can go to. Do not rule out pornography which is a rampant and horrible destroyer of the family. The internet can be a source for good things but, as usual people can find ways to find the bad in things meant for good. I do not know if you are a praying woman but if you are that would be my first recommendation to you that you would seek the face of God in this and all things. I wish you well....

Does he chat and flirt with you, too, or have you been replaced?

This is totally up to you -- but the person you should be asking what to make of this, is most likely your boyfriend. If this bothers you, you should let him know, and see how he reacts, where his commitments lie. I find it interesting that you didn't call him your boyfriend when you wrote, but merely your son's father. I suspect that you two need to figure out what your relationship is now, is going to be in the future, and what kind of commitment that is/will be.

That said, I have an old college friend whom I reconnected with about 5 years ago, and he and I e-mailed for no more than a month after that. When his wife let him know it bothered her that he was married and writing to an old girlfriend, we simply quit the contact. Totally. We both felt marriage was way more important than being friends. It was wierd in a way, because I am married, too, and definately in love with my spouse, so it wasn't what she apparently thought it was -- but we both felt it was wiser to not relate at all than to cause his wife any worry or concern. It's going to depend on your priorities and his priorities and how they mesh.

And what you are each willing to give up for each other will demonstrate how commited you guys are to this relationship. And, BTW, that commitment goes both ways -- what would you be willing to give up for him ?

Hi J.,

Two things.

Are you two in an intimate relationship?

If you are, you need to let him know what you need from him and what he needs from you.

Communicate your feelings to him.

Good luck. D.

I'd talk to him. Do you have an exclusive relationship?

If I were in a committed relationship -- it would not fly.

"Let it begin with me". You must choose what is acceptable and what you will permit in YOUR life and Sam's life.
Then you have a place to begin your direction to this issue at hand.

Tell him how you feel. See what reaction you get. Depending on your age, most guys still don't see it as a threat. But for goodness sake, don't marry him...at least not now.

It may be completely innocent, but maybe not. Online flirtations can become much more serious.

If it bothers you, talk with him about it. If your relationship is important to him, he will respect your feelings. If not, maybe it's time for a change of living arrangements.

That is not a good thing. I don't care how long you guys have been together he shouldn't be online flirting with anyone. I would talk to him about how you feel about his actions. Maybe instead of him being online you guys spend that time playing with your son.

You aid your sons Dad, are you guys married? If not I would be concerned that you have been together 5 years not married or engaged and he flirts with other woman. Sorry, I don't mean to sound ignorant. Either way I feel you guys have some things to talk about.

This is not acceptable!!! My husband an I no longer have friends of the opposite sex or are never alone with the opposite sex becuase we don't feel it is appropriate. It has nothing to do with not trusting each other or jealousy is has to do with the respect we feel for each other and or relationship. We don't even want to give the appearance of something. I won't even be alone with my brother-in-laws becuase I respect my husband and my brother in laws wife too much to do that.

Our friends are couple or people we see together not on our own unless it is someone of the same sex.

Check your own life becuase if you are alone with a male anytime or have male friends you can't really expect him to have the same standard. I would calmly tell him how this makes you feel and what you would like to see happen.

If he is doing this in front of you, what is he doing when you are not around. Tell him you are not going to put up with it and if he doesn't change and show you respect he can leave. You don't hurt people you love like that. Do you want your son to grow up thinking this is acceptable behavior, take care of it now. If you let him treat you this way your son is going to see that and the behavior will be passed on. My husband did the same thing that his father did with women he supposedly loved, and he finally, with me, got that it is not ok. Just protect your heart and your son's heart. Good luck

J.,

Nip this in the bud. There are probably some issues underneath this that need to be dealt with and you need to get those out in the open. This happened to me very early in my marriage and it lingered for 6 months til I found out what was going on. Talk to him now and find out what is behind this behavior and make sure he knows that it is not acceptable. Best of luck!

hi J.,
this is called ' c-h-e-a-t-'n' on you.
bold enough to do ' in front of his loved ones too'
2 choices :
PARENTAL LOCK THE COMPUTER {YOU CAN LOCK OUT THHE GERMAN WOMENS SITE}
- tell him to leave and file for child support .[at the court house]
he will continue to do this .. he has a huge ego and braisen personality.
accept this now , it will be easier in the long run.

J.,

Being that she is in Germany I wouldnt be to concirned about her but if he is flirting with her how are you so sure he isnt talking more locally to girls.. Trust me I know from expereance that it can get ugly..I was talking to an old friend online when I rejected his advances he found out phone #s and called telling my husband a bunch of lies and now my marriage is on the rocks.. it wasnt worth it!!!!!! Tell your husband to back off the flirting it could lead to disaster. Like him I thought it was all very harmless........ Wow was I wrong..

I would't tolerate it. Just as murderers first start off torturing animals and slowly move up to killing people because the thrill wears off. First it's long distance online flirting. Eventually it'll be cheating.

This would upset me. Have you talked to him about it? I think continuous flirting and chatting (even if she is in Germany) is dangerous to your relationship.