Older Siblings Do Not Get Along!!

Just because they are almost grown does not mean your children can't still learn from you. You can teach them, and help them develop useful skills. It's normal and natural to disagree, and it happens in real life with roommates, at work, etc. Developing the skills to resolve conflicts now will help them in the future.

There are 6 kids in my family, and I'm the oldest. We range from 9-23 and a lot of us get into arguments. My mom always points out that she just wants us to get along, and that she loves us.

There are certain "fair" ways to disagree and argue. If you set some ground rules, and tell your children how much you care for them you can help them know when they are crossing the line, like when she is provoking him, when he is being too agressive, etc. He is probably used to her being so young that she looks up to him and now she's asserting herself as an "adult" teenager who thinks she knows everything. As they grow and change they have to re-adjust to each other in some ways.

You might call a family meeting and discuss fair ways to disagree and voice one's opinion, and have them come up with rules for themselves (not each other) like: I will not raise my voice when I disagree with my brother, or I will not use profanity in the house, or I will count to 10 before I talk when I'm upset, etc. Encourage your children to get along because they will be there for each other for the rest of their lives. Tell them how you really feel; that you care about them, you don't want your home to feel like a war zone, and that you want your children to act like civilized adults and set a good example for the 5 year old.

What you say will be more meaningful if backed up (or vocalized) by Dad.

There is a very good book called "Sibling Without Rivalry" that helped my kids get along amazingly well. We have four kids. If there is an arguement in our house once a month, that would be a bad month. When people are feeling crabby or angry, they may be low on omega 3 oils. Since my family has been eating better and taking omega 3 oils, we get along even better. My kids even tell me that I am nicer now!

K. Loidolt
Author, Shopper's Guide to Healthy Living

It might be good to have your husband talk to your son about appropriate ways to treat women / girls, both inside and outside his family. I think 18-year-old boys are still getting used to themselves physically, and he may be unaware of how intimidating he really is. I would think a man's perspective would be the most useful here, especially if your husband has a similar build.

Keeping both kids involved in plenty of constructive activities outside the home also seems like a good way to keep them out of each others' hair. For the 18-year-old that should probably include work, whether or not he's planning to attend college in the fall.

Meet with each child separately to hear each side of the story. You should aproach this like marriage counciling. Sit them both down and one talks the other listens. Then the other talks while the other listens. Get at the root of the problem. They need to respond respectfully to each other. If they don't, give they time out where they sit in silence until they can speak in a resectful manner to each other. If they have plans THAT IS JUST TO BAD! Evrything is cancelled until this matter is somewhat resolved. They will learn to commuicate with eachother whether they like it or not. It may take more then one pow wow to work this through.

On your side, you will not tolerate this behavior anymore. If the 18 year old feels he is being wronged than maybe he needs a time table of when he needs to move out on his own.(unless he is still in H.S.) Have him establish a job find a place to rent and take responibilty for the adult he is.
Your fifteen year old needs privages taken away if she does not act respectful. But at the same time each child might need to vent to you.

I would do this before you all meet. Set up a time when you can take each out seperately and listen. It will get you a better understanding of what is going on between the two of them and show you know there is a problem and you want to foster a better relatioship between the two.
Good Luck,
C. B

There may be more here than you know.

When my older son was 23 he was in college and not doing well, and there were other things going on that I was not aware of. His brother is 6 years younger and he convinced me to send the older one to live with his dad to clean up, and to help us to survive. It was the right thing to do, and I cried while I did it but I gave him a choice of the one way ticket or living under a bridge. He took the ticket and is much better off for my having done it, and so are his brother and I.

You do need to protect your daughter, and maybe you do need to send your son off to finish growing up elsewhere. Before deciding you'll need to discuss it with everyone and weigh the options. Good luck and know that what ever you decide is the best decision for you at the time.

I don't know what to tell you from the side of a parent, but I grew up with an older brother...a huge older brother, football player, two years older than me who was just mean and I got a good amount of 'beatings' from him. My mother tried so many things for years to stop the battling, but we just weren't going to stop no matter what she did...in fact, sometimes her actions just added to our anger and it got worse. The good side for me is I learned to stand up for myself and I got very clever. My size forced me to use my brain since he had the brawn. We definitely had grown up in a dysfunctional household and we both had a lot of anger and frustration concerning life that we just tended to put out on each other...we both understand that now. We were each other's safest bet and didn't really know better ways to deal with our own turmoil (and were too young to be aware that there was so much more lying underneath our treatment of each other...and we would have laughed if anyone tried to tell us). All I can tell you is that when I got older (17) and his friends and my friends were all interested in each other, our friendship started to develop. We started learning how to lean on each other instead of hurting each other. To this day, outside of our spouses, we have been and are best friends. As far as my children go who are much younger, I keep the book 'Siblings Without Rivalry' on hand along with 'Parenting With Love and Logic'. At first I used to think the answers to stop their own sibling conflicts, however I began to learn how to use them not to stop my children and try to control them, but rather how to conduct myself and ways to find a peaceful place, peaceful enough, for myself.

I fought a lot with my younger sister as a teen. Make sure your son and your daughter know that VIOLENCE OR PHYSICAL THREATS ARE NEVER ACCEPTABLE. Because he is bigger, he can more easily intimidate her. Do they need help learning how to express their anger constructively? It's hard to tell from your message if this has been an ongoing or escalating problem. Even though they are older, having their young cousin move in (and the problems that prompted that) may be stressing them and they are taking it out on each other and you. Is your daughter being dramatic by asking him to be kicked out because it would make her life easier? Maybe it would be a good idea to have them talk individually with a counselor. You can explain your concern about their fighting, how it will affect them in other relationships and their young cousin, and how it affects you. They need to learn a better way to communicate. I wish you well!

Maybe you should consider your daughter's suggestion.

If you are not willing to do that, your son knows you are a pushover. You might want to stand up and tell him that he's the adult now, but it is your house and if he can't keep his voice down and maintain a distance of 5 feet while they argue, he's a goner.

I think your daughter has a right to 3 more years of sanity and your son, well, I don't think you're doing him any favors by allowing him to live there for free while he violates the rules.

if your son is the primary culprit (and even if he's not) i would tell him that now that he's an adult, he can either start paying you rent or find his own place. if he doesn't have a job, give him a time period to get one. and stick to your guns.

Sibling rivalry is difficult, but normal. I'm 3 1/2 years older than my brother and we fought like cats and dogs. It wasn't that I didn't love him. Kids do not come equipped with the tools for conflict resolution. You need to teach them this (maybe with the help of a counselor). A family teambuilding activity would be good (ropes course, paintball, bowling, camping, whatever activity that fits your family's interest). When I was in college my brother gave us a scare --- we thought he had Hodgkins disease. When I was faced with the thought of my brother dying --- I looked at him in a different light. Also, when our parents got divorced, we realized all we had was each other. I would talk to each of your children. Talk to your son about how he treats your daughter. Don't kick your son out of the house. What does that teach him? What does that solve? But since your son is 18, an adult, he does need to be making a move for the next part of his life. Is he going to college? Is he getting a job? It takes maturity for your children to treat each other appropriately. It is your job to nurture that. Good luck.