Older Mom Contemplating on Having Another Baby

Don't risk having another its not fair to the child. Too risky and it will be tought for you as you get older.

Hey V., I love this question because I was exactly 46 when I had my third. Maybe ignorance is bliss because I did not even think twice about getting pregnant. It was only at my first check up that I learned from my Doc that it was a phenomenon to be pregnant at 46. First, I should tell you I did not get married until about 39 because I was growing a career first. I was pregnant with my first and got married 6 months after she was born. I had number 2, 2 years later. I wanted 4 but my husband insisted I should give up my career and I refused. I was active duty military. He later changed his mind but at that point I was subject to be deployed to IRAQ and I did not want to leave a newborn. This was when Clinton was President and Saddam would threaten war. I made the decision to retire and one month thought I was beginning menapause. I was scared that the option was now being taken away from me and that month...well, the rest is history as I got pregnant with number 3. I was very healthy but more importantly at the time did not know how difficult it was for some women to get pregnant or the possible complications of being pregant at 46. I delivered by C section only because my doctor was going on vacation and I did not want another doctor. We set a date to induce and it did not work. We tried natural that morning, then drugs and when my son refused to come into the world, he had to do a C section. My son is now 7 years old. I love having him. He is very different from my first two who are now 16 and 14. There are days when I think I am too old for a 7 year old especially when he is challenging me or when I see my friends with all college graduates. But as my husband says, when the other two are gone and we are up there in age, he will still be with us and can bring us a glass of water. (smiles). Girl, go for it. As long as you are healthy. I don't know how you feel about having a amnio which I recommend. But then that is another discussion. On my way out of the country when I picked up your message. Ofcourse, I did not touch on other aspects of parenting such as time, money etc. I will assume you have that figured out. BTW, I retired pregnant.

Hi V.,
I just turned 46 myself and if I was in the right situation, I would love to have another baby. I had my tubes tied after my youngest who is now 17 and wish I would never have made such a permenant decision. I say "go for it" if your parnter is just as willing, you are in good health and your obgyn cannot find any reason, then why not? As for your youngest having ADD, that has nothing to do with your age at pregnancy, my son has ADHD, he is 20 in college and on his own doing beautifully. It's a decrease in dopomine, as I am sure you already know, nothing to do with having your child at 40. If you don't already use this website, do a search for CHADD, which is children and adults with hyperactivity disorder, it's a wonderful website to help you understand ADD. Good Luck!

Hi there,

I am 44 and have a 2.5 year old and a 6 month old. I'm not far in age from you with my second. I say trust your heart. Everyone's advice comes from their own experiences, and perhaps someone's words will inspire you one way or another and give you clarity, but at the end of the day, it's your life and your choice. So I say if you are committed to the process and dealing with the risks of being an older mom (as all of us over 40 did), go for it! Don't look back and have regrets if your heart is speaking to you on this one.

I am turning 45 this year and am right there with you on wanting a 4th. So I say go for it if it's what you want. Best wishes.

I had my first baby at 42, and a home birth at that. (As an RN I who knows obstetrics I felt that was the safest place for me.) If you have the time, money, energy, devotion, and a supportive partner who contributes more than sperm, I say go for it. And if you can resist taking on people's concerns about your AGE. People like drama, and you don't need to feed that appetite. Best wishes.

My mother had me when she was 48 and that was almost 30 years ago and I turned out perfectly fine. (Just as my mom!!!) My brothers at the time were 18, 17 and five. Sounds very similar to your situation. I will say that I have a wonderful relationship with my brothers and they really looked out for me as a kid...actually the oldest one still looks out for me even though I am grown and married with my own children. We just have a really special bond. I would say GO FOR IT!!! If God has put it in your heart to have another child then you should.

I'm 37 & have a biological 3 year old. We've felt called to adopt our next child from a siberian orphanage. The adoption journey is a great option - just wanted to say that there are millions of orphans all over the world. If you're interested in checking out our story it's at diniadoption.blogspot.com

Hi V., I know you've received a lot of different responses and opinions; so mine will probably be nothing new to your ears.... I am 33 years old and had my last child 11 months ago. I have 2...a boy and a girl. Anyway, I was only planning on having 2 children from the get go; so that's not the problem. The problem is that I totally regret not having them sooner in my life. My husband and I have been married for 10 years now and didn't feel we were ready for children earlier in our marriage; so I guess we did make the right decision on waiting until we knew it was right. But still, I wish I would have felt readier earlier than when we were. Yes, I have always been concerned with the health of my baby and myself while being pregnant; but it's more or less how old I will be when they are in their teens and going out on their own, getting married and having children of their own. Will I still be around? Will I still be able to be active and have my witts? I mean, I guess 33 isn't too bad having your last child; but we knew that if I wasn't pregnant again by 35 we weren't going to have another one....just too old. That's my opinion. Think about it, by the time my son is between 21-25 (typical marrying age and probably starting family of own), I'll be between the ages of 54-58. This is the perfect time for my husband and I to start thinking about retiring, doing more things together (just the 2 of us) again, traveling, etc. And especially getting ready to be Grandparents and enjoying that. I would'nt want to be 60 years old and still having a teenager living in the house....believe me my Mom and Dad are still doing it and can't do anything like the typical adults their ages are doing. They are both in their 60's. I mean I'm not trying to sound like it's all about doing 'ME' things in your life; but it's a fact that by a certain age your body is tired, your mind is tired and you can't chase and keep track of a kid like you did 20-30 years earlier. Well, anyway I can go on and on but it would be a book by then. Of coarse make your own mind up and do whatever you want; but years later you may think about what you should have done differently or maybe you won't. :0)

I thought that I responded to this, but was reading through the posts and didn't see mine. If this is duplicative, I apologize...

I thought it might be good to give you the persepctive of someone who is the child to an older mother. My mom was 44 when she had me and my dad was 56. I am now 32 years old (my mom is 76). My father unfortunately passed away when I was 4 months old.

It is interesting that this post is here, because this issue has just really "hit home" with me lately. I am the youngest of my mother's 5 children--all of my siblings are significantly older than me.

When I was younger, having an older mom didn't make that big of a difference because she always seemed so much younger than her years. However, for the first time in my life, I am now resenting her increased age. I have three kids of my own and need her help more than ever--and she just can't provide it. In the last 5 years she has gone from someone who was fit, active and young, to someone who is elderly and who doesn't leave the house much. My mom was always so vibrant that I never would have thought she would have aged so quickly in such a short amount of time--but she did.

For example, last weekend I was throwing a surprise party for my 16 year old. My husband came down with the flu, which left all of the shopping, planning and organizing on the day of the party to me. My mom was slated to help me out, but she came down with a cold and couldn't. (When you get a cold at 76 years old....you're down for the count).

I found myself really resenting that she couldn't be there for me. She and I have one of those relationships that my friends always envied....we are very close, we never fought (even when I was a terrible teenager!) and she is just the best. But I have to tell you, I am feeling very sorry for myself lately that at 32 years old, I have no parents available to me when I need them.

I'm not telling you not to do it--my mother and I had many wonderful years together and we still have a great relationship. I just wanted to give you my point of view. I know for myself--if I don't have any more kids in the next 5 years I definitely will not have any more--I just think children of older parents have to deal with issues that other kids don't--and its not so easy sometimes!

I am 42 and my last child will be a year in May. I was done having children 8 years ago, but God thought other wise. He is a perfect beautiful boy! My pregnancy was uncomplicated. I did have the amino because my brother has a child with a missing chromosome. I say if you want another child Talk to your doctor and GO FOR IT! They will keep you young!

Hi V.,
I'm 48 and have two daughters. 18 and 13.I know how you are feeling. I'm in my second marriage( very happy) and really contemplated having another child at 44 with my new husband 4 years ago. Personally I chose not to have another child at my age. Mainly because I had an "older Dad". He was 48 when I was born.He had a heat attack in his 50's and was ill most of my life. He passed away when my daughter was a year old. She never knew her Grandad. It was very difficult to have older parents. I couldn't enjoy them like I saw my other friends and their younger fathers helping out with sports etc. My Mom also had to work full time because my dad couldn't. It put a real strain on their marriage. I feel that now is the best time to enjoy your kids you have now. Teen years keep you very busy and I believe this is when they need you the most. There is so much that they are confronted with these days. I would really take a look at the reasons you are "feeling" the need to add another child into your life. Best of luck with your desicion.

Hi V. -

I had my daughter when I was 43, and had my son when I was 33. I am now 49, and divorced.

You note in your post that you 'wouldn't mind' having another child. Although I wouldn't change a thing, it is far harder on the body and soul to raise a child as you get older. Do you really want to go through another round of cupcakes and cub scouts in your 50s? Teenaged hormones in your 60s? College and career angst in your 70s?

What about you and your husband as a couple? What about you as an individual? Not to put too fine a point on it, but some folks have a hard time giving up parenthood because they are afraid they won't have enough of a sense of self or identity without it. That may not be the right reason to have another child.

At any rate, definitely talk with your husband about it, and think a bit more about WHY you want to have another child...then follow your heart!

J.

Hi V..

I had my last son at 40, but know many, many women who are having them in their late 40s with no complications at all. My last one was delivered by emergency c-section due to something that had nothing to do with my age (cord wrapped around his neck). I had him in the morning and was ready to leave that evening. The doctors were amazed at how I healed and said I did much better than any younger woman they had ever seen. By the way, all my AFP tests with each child came back elevated with high risk of Down's due to my age. All my kids are perfectly healthy with no disabilities. If you know you are healthy and your doctor doesn't see any reason why not, then go for it. You already know there are higher risks when you get older. If you're going to love that baby no matter what, then have one. If not, then don't take that risk. Does your husband feel the same? I pray you have wisdom in making your decision. God bless your family.

Hi Mom, Just as a little aside, Children are wonderful but part of our plight is global warming, which I believe stems from one of our biggest oversights, over-population. More people, more pollutants. Maybe it is time to reconsider and just create a healthier atmosphere for the wonderful children you do have and help make them more environmentally aware. Thanks for listening.

I gave birth to my last daughter on the day before my 41st birthday (child #5). She is brilliant and healthy, but I would say it took its toll on me physically. Not that I would say don't do it, but do prepare your body intensively. Contact me privately if you would like to hear any more.

M.
San Francisco

I know a mom who had a baby at 46, she was in our hospitals paper because it was a miracle her son didn't have problems. She had a lot of problems, hypertension and bedrest. You have 3 healthy kids, I wouldn't chance it. I mean think about it, you'll be 70 when your kid graduates college, is that really fair to the child you are contemplating having to only have you for a short while, and is it fair to you to never finish raising your kids until retirement age? My mom had my sister at almost 42, and I know my sister resents it that my mom is an older mom, she always liked the kids with the "cool moms" (aka young moms) and always made my mom feel like an embarrassment when she was a teenager. Just think about it. Good luck with any decision you make.

I would consult your OBGYN before you do anything. If you go for it, make sure to take Folic Acid and Pre-natals now...and you will need to have several ultrasounds due to your age.
Good luck!

Hello I am V.

You are 46 and not sure go see a doctor that is no 1 thing that will give you what you you need. Or you can do what in your heart. You have a 6 year old so what would be one more

I have 7 kids ages 22,21,20 then years later I had twins 16 2 time then .
Years later i had 2 kids last child was hadicap.
Doctor is the first resort.

Please let me know how everything turns out.

____@____.com

senserly your V.

My biggest concern is being in your sixties dealing with a teenager. That would not be fun!

Dear V.,

It sounds like you really do want another child. But I think that you should think about how your potential child would feel with you being an older mom. I have seen several older moms who are routinely mistaken for grandma and that can be really hard for a child to understand. Also, you will be in your sixties when they graduate from high-school. In my opinion, its really not fair to the child. But I wish you good luck with whatever decision that you make.

Molly

Dear V.,
Please think long and hard about this. Your pregnancy will be very high risk, your body is simply not the same as it was 6 years ago, let alone 18 years ago. You may be in excellent health, nevertheless you will be 50 in four years. Is that fair to the child you may have? Will you have the energy and finances to help this child launch? As for the aspect of maintaining a pregnancy to full gestation, please follow through with genetic testing with an amniocentesis so that you may be fully prepared for the outcome. Good luck.

Being pregnant was a very happy time for me. I have two beautiful children ad feel that I am very lucky to have them. I can understand you wanting another child, but think of the child and not just yourself. He would miss out on a lot of the things that you were able to do with your other children and what would happen to him if you were not here to raise him. Thank Gpod for the family you have and look forward to your grandchildren. They can be very special too. Evelyn

V.,
I am 45 and my only child is 17 from my first marriage. My current husband and I tried to get pregnant from 1997 to 2003 and finally just gave up. Then wham! All of the sudden I am pregnant! My whole has changed and I am now 6 months along with no problems. We did all the testing and everything is normal. AFP tests showed no risk for down's. I am overjoyed and my husband will finally have his first child. I feel him right now kicking like a little football player! The only thing I can say that is definately different is that age makes you hyper aware of every change and ache your body is going through. We did 4d sonogram and he looks perfect all snug in his little house. I say do it. You will not regret it and every child is a gift.

Hello V.,

Children are indeed the greatest blessing that God can give us so I understand your desire for more. I gave birth to my first and only child at age 40 so I understand the complications of becoming pregnant at that age. I suppose my only question to you would be, have you prayed to God about it? I'd do this in the utmost quiet and ask Him if this is what is meant to be in your life at this stage in your life? Could it be possible that this is for self-validation, or is it because you have the energy and resources to be able to care for one or two new little ones? I would take a long walk with your husband and ask him how he honestly feels. If after all of this you get a resounding "yes", then I would let it be in His hands and see what happens. If you don't, then perhaps the person you will get to focus on nurturing is yourself and your lovely three children who love you this very moment.

No one can really say V., only you and your Maker and your life's love, your husband. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Hi Virgina:
Wow, what a big decision! I'm 42 and have a 19 year old, 17 year old and 4 year old twins. For years my husband and I considered having "one more" child, and surpise! We had twins! It literally took two years after they were born for us to fully grasp that there were two babies that needed everything! Having and raising twins (and the teenagers at the same time!) is hands down, without a doubt the absolute most difficult thing I (we) have ever done.

Twins alone can take up all of your time, energy, resources, resolve, attention and focus. Add in the needs and demands of teenagers, and in your case a wonderful and special 5 year old, marriage, home, career and personal growth and recreation, social life, and basically there is little time for sleep. Sleep deprivation is ridiculous with twins!

Would we change this if we could? No--having the twins was/is also the most rewarding experience we have had. However, the sacrifices we all made are great. I had to give up a job I loved, (I now only work in the evenings and on Saturdays), and my husband and I see each other briefly if at all in the mornings and evenings as we pass each other at the front door going to work and on Sundays. The financial impact is huge, and with the teenagers' needs--transportation, cars, college, travel, etc. we have had to learn a whole new language to talk to each other about money! My husband, who is 47 wanted to retire at age 50. Well, that's probably going to change to later!

I completely validate your heart's desire for another baby. I invite you to sit down with your husband/partner and have a heart to heart conversation about what you both want and need for yourselves, each other and your three children. Talk with your children about what they think about it. Look down the road one year, five years, ten years and see what you desire. Talk about finances now, and who your support system is, especially if you have twins. Look at how much time you will have to spend with each of the children if you have one or two more babies.

Thanks so much for reading my story. I wish you and your family all the best.

I understand. Many moms are having babies late in life and that late, too! I am 37, will be 38 when my sixth child is born, so that's kinda late...I plan on having more (1 or 2) after this one, so it can be done!!! I say go for it!!! AND, take good care of yourself when the time comes.

first have all the testing that any doc would want you to have to make sure you wouldn' thave any complications. might make things real difficult. but if you are healthy.. i say go for it! :) but consult your doc. :)

After age 40, your chances of twins increases, but so do your odds of Downs Syndrome, nueral tube defects, and other birth disorders. If you're prepared to handle a special needs child, I say go for it. You may also want to consider that at age 46, you may require a lot of fertility intervention/treatments in order to conceive, which can be costly, stressful and painful. Lots to consider! Good luck in making your decision.

Dear V.

I too am 46 now--and am feel young enough to have another as I am still younger than what my mother was when she gave birth to me--47 1/2 in 1961!

Additionally, her mother--my maternal grandmother had had my uncle in 1938 when she was 41!

I know that Downs Syndrome is more prevalent in older moms, so that is a consideration, but I met a woman yesterday who had a grandchild with Downs and his mother had only been 18 when she had him.

Good luck to you in whatever you decide. You must be heatlthy--I actually feel more fit than ever as I exercise and eat right, I am sure with today's advances in medicine any problems can be easily detected and monitored, if you want another.

Hi V.. I have six kids, all adopted. My hubby is 51 and I'm 37 y.o. We just brought our youngest home last year. Our littlest one was only 6 months at the time. He has Downs Syndrome. I have to tell you that our baby is the light of my hubby's eye. I can't even begin to tell you how special this little guy is and how he has brought our family so close together.

I know being an older parent is hard and yes the chance of the baby having Downs and other disabilities goes up with the age of the mother. It doesn't have to change the quality of the relationship though.

I know a young couple that had twins and its h*** o* them at age 24. You have to think about the future. If something does happen to you will who will raise it? My grandmother and mother in law both had kids around age 40 and they both unexpectedly died in their early 50's. You didn't mention how your husband feels. I am not saying that will happen, but you never know. Also at your age you are probably nearing menopause. I am 41 and have noticed big changes. My friend who is a couple years younger just had her 4th son, and she was telling me last night how hard it is on her body. She didn't expect it to be. I also read that the older the father is the higher risk of miscarrying. I also know an older mom that had a down syndrome child. There is alot to consider. Myself -I babysit and also got a puppy. My puppy follows me around like my babies did and I can also put them to sleep.

different situation but, i adopted at 42/43.I didn't figure it out till then. best decision i ever made. i wasn't ready previous to love at such an intense level. i am the older mom at school, he is 10 now, but there are more and more of us.an dmany much younger moms with greyer hair. one benefit is that i am never saying "if i didn't have a kid i'd be in school, or go to europe, have a career". i've done it all already!!! and most of our friends have kids in h.s. and college. they have been thru it before, so can offer support, having been there. and it is their turn to repay all the easter and valentine gifts to my son. he gets extra attention. and not to be negative, but i believe your chances of preg are slim. when the drs said, after forty your chances are 10%, i didn't bekieve it. what about susan sarandon,...... i now am an advocate for "if you really want a biological child, don't wait too long. listen to the stats". and i believe stats show that a downs syn child may be b/c of an older father, no mother, as was believed for so long.i do regret that we didn't adopt a second child soon after. waited too long.good luck R. san jose

My older two are 23(g) and 19(b). My 19 year old has a son who is 10 months old. People think I'm insane for wanting to start all over again, especially when I have a grandson, but I just want you to know that having that little girl at 42 years old has been the best thing EVER in my life. It's so different when you're older! I'm more established in my career so I don't have to work so much, I know a lot more than I used to so a lot of things are so much easier, I have the older kids' help (which is HUGE), and the best part is I know what is important to remember. I log everything. I pay attention to EVERYTHING SHE DOES because I KNOW NOW HOW FAST IT GOES BY! Financially I'm in much better shape, I own my house and for the first time was able to set up a REAL nursery... the other two shared a room for much of their childhoods.

Over 35 is considered high risk, yes, but even with my diabetes (the strict diet they put me on actually made me THINNER after the baby!), I did everything they told me and my little girl is healthy and happy. I had the amnio done and every other test they wanted me to take, there were SO MANY Dr. appts. but the end result is better than I ever hoped... she's the best thing in my life!

Don't know what your decision will be but I will say that I am having the time of my life and I am honestly YOUNG ALL OVER AGAIN, gramma or not!!

I also want to say that I am just HORRIFIED at the responses I'm reading to your post. These people are heartless and selfish, I hope you do NOT listen to them. Other older mothers I talk to (thank GOD I never saw these answers when I got pregnant!) say the baby made them young again, they were able to enjoy motherhood so much more at the older age, and for you negative people out there -- my mother died 23 years ago, the VERY DAY my oldest daughter was born. My little brother was only 8. He now is successful with a beautiful wife and 4 boys of his own. ANYONE can lose their mother at ANY TIME, being what YOU call YOUNG doesn't prevent it. Too many CHILDREN are having babies that they don't know how to take care of, why do you have such a problem with an ADULT who is more wise having one? V., go for it. You said you're very healthy, take good care of yourself and you will be blessed like I was.

And Maggie--shame on you! It's time for you to be helping HER out and be glad you have her! I put together all my kids' birthday parties myself and they were just fine -- her only job should be to go to the party and enjoy her grandchildren... she's paid her dues and it sounds like she's been a wonderful mother to you. Be grateful you still have her.

J.

When I was in my 40's I wished that I could have another, but my tubes were tied. I think that I had made a good decission when I had them tied too, at 29, after three kids.

At fifty 56, I now have 5 grandkids and 3 step grandkids. It is my kids time to have kids, although my kids are finished now too, but I can enjoy my grandkids don't have to compete with a very young aunt or uncle.

What I am saying is in a short time you probably will have another baby to love, only you will just be able to just enjoy it.

Like mentioned earlier global warming scares the daylights out of me, and I worry so much about what it going to happen to the kids that are already born and what their lives have to hold. If I had know about global warming before I ever had kids, I most likely would not have had any, as I worry what is going to happen to my kids and grandkids because of it.

S.

Hi V.,

I know a 46 year old (Dr. Guy) who just had her fourth child. A perfectly healthy and beautiful baby girl. Her only complaint was that she was very tired.

Hi V.,

If you are concerned about having another baby at 46, I would encourage you to check out acupuncture for increasing your chances for fertility. Although I can't guarantee that it will make you pregnant at your age it will at least increase your odds.

Acupuncture is very helpful for other health concerns as well, whether gynecological, pain related, helping to reduce stress, improve sleep, etc. So even if it does not end up helping you get pregnant again, at least there are other things that it can help with, like quality of life improvement.

Of course, the other thing that goes without saying is to get checked out by your ob/gyn first. It's true that as a woman ages, her eggs become less viable and there are increased risks for problems along the way. However, there have also been women in their 40s who have had healthy babies so it's not impossible. Get your bloodwork and hormone levels checked out by your ob/gyn and see from there. If you still really want to have children, check out acupuncture for fertility. It can help.

This is my first time responding on this site so I hope it helps! Coincidentally, there was an article on AOL today that supports this - that acupuncture can help women conceive. But you should really speak to an acupuncturist first to see what can be done for you.

Here is the aol link to that article:
http://news.aol.com/health/story/_a/acupuncture-may-help-...

PS. I am an acupuncturist who can help with fertility issues, among other things. Feel free to contact me with questions.

Good luck!
Jennifer

I assure you I don't want to be a damper on your joyful thoughts...My sons are 33, 16 and 12. The last I had at 40. Waiting for the amnio results for the last 2 was difficult for me. I am in great health and am very fit. But, the reality is - our eggs age. At 46 you are taking a big risk. If you are willing and able to make the necessary decisions - possible life with lifelong disabilities and all the care and time that goes into that (and who cares for the 'child' when you are gone), or to terminate; than go for it. May I suggest you do it because having another child will increase the happiness in your -entire- family's life not detract from it.

My father is 60 and has a 12 year old. he is really struggling with his desire to relax and maybe retire but can't because of his responsibility to his youngest. At Thanksgiving he was quite upset because he couldn't enjoy the company of his older children, my brother and myself ages 31 and 32) and have adult conversations about what is going on in his life. You may want to consider what it will be like in a decade's time.