My MIL has planned to take my girls to a local play. I said yes and tickets were bought. FF a few weeks, I received an invite from my best friend for her son's communion. I am not very religious but I respect people's religious belief plus this family is very dear to me. My friend has no family here and I am the closest to it (not the point but it is what it is). A couple of days ago we all were together and realized the conflict. MIL said the play was at 1pm. The communion was also at 1pm but the reception is at 3:30. My friend and I wanted to celebrate the occasion as it is a milestone (It was quite a challenge because her kid like mine is also autistic)so we decided fine I'll go to the church and I can take the kids to the celebration dinner.
The next day MIL texts me that the play is at 4pm. I said I was sorry but I'm afraid I have to cancel and reimburse her for the cost of the tickets. She called and had a tantrum. I honestly thought she would understand. A communion happens once in a lifetime and hers was a local play that happens more than enough times a year. On top of it, she supposed to be the religious one. Prayer meetings kind and bugging her daughter about her children not being baptized.
She was yelling at the phone saying how mad she was and saying things like, .."A's baptism can't happen if the girls are not there?" Actually she said she was really really mad. And I said that it's ok, she can be mad but that I do not want to deal with her and that am letting her go and hanged up the phone.
I know my MIL is a little crazy and a bit self absorbed but I didn't expect this. Maybe I should have knowing her history. Years ago she stormed out of my house because her daughter and I were not upset enough (not even a little bit) that Brad Pitt left Jen for Angelina.
Anyway, I understand people have their own values. Some may say that I committed with her first. But I also have to weigh the importance of the other occasion. How much it would affect my best friend if my family won't be there. I always believe that you stand by the values that you have but to not infringe them upon other people.
I already know what I'm doing, the question is, what would you have done?
ETA: My children actually prefer to go to the communion. They are closer to this family than to my MIL. And I realize opinions would differ. Like I said, I already know what I would do and was just wondering what others would. If your value system is like hers, of course you'd find my rude. Honestly, I am ok with that. We just have a different view of what is important.
Her daughter does have kids. When I talked to her(SIL) about what happened. She told me that her mom talks about going to plays with my dd's (she took the oldest before) but not once has she extended an invite to her sons for plays or anything else. So, having them step in place of my dds my not work. They don't even like to visit her. Sad but true.
EETA: As far as DH. He knows better than get in the middle of things. He knows what happened. He knows what she's like. He knows what I am like and he is smart to stay out of it.
Their is so much to this lady but is not part of the current issue so I won't spill it here. I honestly don't have bad feelings for her. I don't judge her the same way I do the general public or the rest of the family for that matter. I do give her a little leeway because of the type of person that she is.
EEETA: Funny but I never wanted anyone to agree with me (to whoever said so). I'm steadfast with what I chose to do. This is in no way to solicit your approval. Come on, I don't even know you. The great thing about this world is that we all have different views on what is important.That's just how the world is, and I am OK with that :).
Also, You wouldn't get it unless you are a parent of a child gifted with autism. The prep to be ready for communion is not an easy road. So to us, the sense of accomplishment is more cause to celebrate (in an emotional sense) than that of our typical children going thru communion.
**BTW, MIL has cancelled commitments in the past for lesser reasons. Now, does that change anything? Or is your value system regarding this issue so intact that it is unwavering regardless of this fact? Just wondering… This issue has turned into a pretty good debate.
Ugh! How many times do I have to type that it is OK for your opinion to differ from mine. Seriously, I get it. You find commitment absolute. I on the other hand tend to not look at things as simply black or white. No need to apologize. I sincerely do not take it as an attack on my person. Regardless of whether it was intended to be so or not. I hear your side of the argument, but I'm standing with what I believe is right for me.
People tend to forget that she said 1pm and later told me 4pm after I already committed for the 3:30pm reception. It's almost like commitment should be held on one side but not the other. Regardless, the communion is more important and that's that for me. Now it is even better because as a family we can go to both the ceremony and the reception.
OK so MIL now has tickets for the 1 pm show so they are going as initially compromised. This is after telling my dh how much she pities him for having a wife like me. Thank goodness I am not horrible enough to hold back my children from her. Sigh, I still hold true to what I believe, that Communions are more important than a LOCAL play. (There's one every 2 weeks and she is retired for goodness sake). Now my 10 year old is disappointed. She really wanted to go to the church ceremony.
I would take the children to the communion at 1 pm and let them go to the play in the afternoon while you're at the reception.
That way they're involved in both. It seems really simple to me.
My kids would go to the play and I would attend the communion. You accepted the invitation for the play first. I would be ticked at you also. If the communion was so important, invitations should have been sent out a bit earlier.
ETA: Actually the kids can do both, can't they.
You all go to the communion at 1:00 then MIL picks up the kids at 3:00 and they go to the play and you stay for the dinner. Yes they will miss the party but from a religious perspective, it's the communion that is important right? So there is not really a conflict.
You are absolutely in the wrong. You committed, your MIL moved forward with the expectation that she had your blessing. You can go to the religious ceremony, but you don't disrupt her plans. That is very rude of you and I'd be mad too, whether I was your MIL or one of your kids. I mean, what kid wants to sit through that instead of a play with grandma just because you feel responsible to be there. Blah
You don't want our opinion. You want people to agree with you. You committed to the grandmother first. End of story.
I would tell your friend that your children can't come. No way would I back my kids out of a previous engagement for a communion, sorry.
Your MIL is not the crazy one here and you are in the wrong for cancelling on her.
Sorry, but your children being in attendance of the communion or reception will not make or break the celebration. I disagree with your choice.
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Added: Just wanted to add per your EEETA. I get that special needs kids doing things is a great accomplishment, but I wouldn't be so bold as to say it's more important than other kids accomplishing things. You have no idea what people's struggles are and what people aren't telling about their personal lives.
Her child having autism does not change my stance.
This is a case of - you made plans for a play first and then you want to change because of a later conflict.
You should have said "Sorry but we have plans and can't make the communion." and leave it at that.
Teaching your kids to back out of a commitment for something else they'd rather do isn't a great thing.
You said yes to play. Tickets bought. They go to the play. End of discussion.
You told your MIL yes first...and she bought tickets. The right thing to do is to let your children go to the play with their grandma.
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You told your MIL yes first...and she bought tickets. The right thing to do is to let your children go to the play with their grandma.
She's not crazy you are being unreasonable. Your being their for your friends is great but you should not pick this battle with your mil. If you said yes to her then let it go and take the girls to the church part then hand them over to mil. The church part is the important part anyway not the reception after.
I am one to agree that you committed the kids to your MIL first and to pull them out was beyond rude. There was no reason the kids could not still go with your MIL and you could not go to the baptism alone to support your friend. And the fact that you put the blame for all this on MIL like she is the crazy one, I feel sorry for her.
Plans are plans.
The play plans were first.
AND involve tickets and money AND the time of another adult.
You could have the kids go to the church ceremony at 1:00 and then the play at 4:00. Church would probably last what, 90 minutes tops; That should give you plenty of time to get them to grandma after church. I don't see this as an either/or situation.
I probably would have canceled the play as well, because you tried a work-around when she told you the time was 1 pm by making plans at 3:30. When she changed it to 4 pm that was her mistake. I still would have been apologetic, just like you were, and firm, like you were.
Now you just need to start looking forward and forget about the rest. You are going to the communion with your kiddos, what will they wear? What gift will you bring? Where will you go to celebrate afterwards? KWIM?
I really don't think that any of this should involve religion, autism, your MIL's personality, who is or who is not family, or anything else.
Simply put, you agreed to accept an invitation (to the play). When your friend issued her invitation, you should have said "I'm sorry, I can't attend. We already made plans we can't change with the kids' grandmother."
Certainly a communion is important. But you were only invited as a guest, from what I can gather. You are not being named the godparent at a baptism. You weren't going to have a part in the ceremony. You should send a very lovely gift (whatever is appropriate) to the boy and take your friend and her son and your kids out to a nice dinner the following week.
And you should not have told your kids about this conflict, except to teach them the values of keeping a promise or a commitment. You could have said "oh, the play with Grandma will be fun! Little Joey is having a church ceremony that day, but we'll take him and his mommy out for a really nice lunch next week!"
I believe you owe your MIL an apology. I think that even though this communion is important to your friend, you can continue to support her and love her even though you won't be there for the communion. Support for your friend and her son doesn't depend on your being a guest at a religious event. Your day-to-day love and support will show her how important she is to you. And you owe your children an apology, too. "I promised Grandma we'd attend the play, but then I cancelled on her. I shouldn't have done that, because people are supposed to keep their promises. I'm sorry that I caused so much confusion." And you owe your friend an apology. "I shouldn't have accepted your invitation, because it meant I had to back out of a commitment I had already made. Your friendship means everything to me and I need to be honest."
You asked what I would have done. That's what I would do. As your children get older, there will be lots of conflicting events and invitations. How you handle this will set a precedent.
If it is such a big deal to have reached first communion, why hasn't it been a topic of conversation between you and your friend for months now? Then you would have known the date a long time ago. You say you don't want people to agree with you but then I'm not sure why all this back and forth and the question to begin with. And if you're going to say we don't know all the details of your MIL's behavior, then again, why ask the question to begin with? You're probably right that we don't know so it wasn't fair to ask and then question our value systems.
If it were me, I would have simply let the kids and Grandma keep their original plans to go to the play, reimbursed Grandma for the cost of MY ticket, and gone to the communion by myself.
ETA: You must have one hell of a church if your 10-year-old would rather go to a first communion service than a play.
My kids would be going to the play with their grandmother. They had plans first even if she messed up the time although I think it is debatable about who got the time wrong. If it were me, I would go to the communion party and my kids would go to the play.
If you insist on taking your kids to the party I really think you should reimburse her although I bet she won't take the money. Therefore I would get a gift card and make a reservation for a family brunch or dinner.
(It also it occurs to me that if it was so important for your family to be at the communion event you should have had a save the date conversation with your friend months ago. My family and best friends had the communion date on their calendar 7 months in advance to be sure there would not be any conflicts.)
Seems so simple to me. I would attend the communion and let the kids go to the play. This isn't life or death. It's a play and communion. If I were you, I wouldn't have cancelled on the MIL, and I would have taken the family and your kids out to celebrate this "milestone" in the future. I put it in quotes, because most of the kids whose communions I attended are either in a different religion or no longer religious. That's why I wouldn't make it seem like the event of the year.
I don't think it's terrible to cancel on a play, and I think your MIL should be more easygoing about the whole thing, and not have a fit about it.
However, in this case I would have allowed the kids to go with their grandmother to the play, and I would support my friend at the communion by myself. I really don't see the need for the girls to be at the communion vs. the play, especially when the play was the prior commitment and it's with grandma.
So yes, your MIL's a little nuts -- anyone who gives a fig who Brad Pitt is dating definitely has a screw loose -- but still, you could easily manage to accommodate both events.
D. -- I haven't yet read the responses below, but I think when the majority (it sounds like from your ETA's) think that you should honor the prior commitment, then maybe you should consider it. You did ask us, after all. I have changed my mind on issues after almost everyone on this site disagreed with me. It's worth considering the viewpoint of the majority.
"A couple of days ago we were all together and realized the conflict".
Who realized the conflict? I'm assuming it was you since it's your dear friend whose child is being baptized. I don't know much about baptisms, aren't they like weddings? Aren't they planned way in advance and invitations sent weeks or months ahead of time? Seems to me if it's such a dear friend, the "prep to be ready" was so intense and you are so close to this family you'd have known the date long before play tickets were purchased.
You have decided that canceling (and hanging up) on Grandma is OK. The rest of your post is spent justifying that.
I would have my kids go to the play and go to the communion myself. Sorry I know that's not what you want to hear but that's what I would do.
See, I would have cancelled the grandmother thing the minute I got the invite to the communion. I would attend that (in it's entirety) as a family.
I would have rebooked the play (checked with her then handled all the arrangements and payment myself).
If my MIL got upset I would explain that our whole family needed to attend. And then if she wasn't reasonable, I would have my husband talk to her.
This is your best friend. The thing is, she may have said it was ok to skip the actual church service, but I'm guessing she probably (deep down) wanted your whole family there - especially if you are the closest thing to her family she has.
What others said about the kids going to the play with MIL and you going to the first communion. You DID commit to her first. And, IME, kids get bored at events like this and it's hard to keep them still and quiet. Do they understand or even care about the importance of a first communion? Will your friend seriously care if your kids aren't present?
I did not read all (okay, any) of the responses, so I may be repeating someone else, but, whoa!
Let me just make sure I got this right: MIL make plans with your dd's for 1 o'clock, you worked around that and planned to take them to the celebratory dinner after the play, now MIL says the times (on already purchased tickets) have changed, and she is upset you will not change your plans to accommodate her error/changed plans?
I'd say that MIL is the one being rude! It does not matter how 'important' she deems the plans to be, what matters is she seems to be under the impression that your time (and this other family's time) is less valuable/important than hers. The fact that she is upset with you because she got the times wrong (or changed them?) really says a lot.
I would do the same thing that you did. The communion is a higher priority because of it's religious Importance and because it's a one time event. You tried to compromise and then MIL gives you a different time. You tried to make it work.
you offered to pay for the tickets so your MIL wasn't out any money. She can take the kids to another play. I don't understand why she was so emotional about.this. Most grandmothers would be disappointed but not angry.
So go to the communion and enjoy it. Be gracious with your MIL. Her anger is her problem. Be confident of your decision and let go of your frustration with your MIL.
If MIL gave you a time (1:00 pm) for the play from the get go, and you made plans for after that (3:30) with your kids, then there was no conflict really. But MIL gave the incorrect time, so that is entirely her problem and I would agree that you were right to cancel and go to the confirmation/communion instead.
Things are a little muddier if MIL did not give you a time from the very beginning. Having all sat down together and figured it out, though, and everyone was happy with the split arrangement... but then MIL calls and says OOPS... it's not at that time.... then I would go with what I felt was right (and in your situation that would be the confirmation/communion). Sorry, MIL, but you should have been more careful with the details. I mean, what if it were something else besides this religious event? What if you made plans of your own (appointments) for your kids elsewhere... like a dentist appt or something, and she had given you the incorrect time? She doesn't get to play dictator over your entire day. She said 1:00 and you allowed her 1:00. Now she says, oh.. no.. sorry, it's 4:00. Um, sorry, they are not available at 4:00.
MIL needs to get over it, in my opinion.
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Although, as someone else noted (and I hadn't done the math myself and was going by your assertion that there was still a conflict)... there doesn't appear to be any reason the kids cannot just accompany you to the service, and leave soon after the reception begins (or in the interim between the service and reception). No conflict. Grandma can pick the kids up there and you can stay as long as you like at the reception.
If you already made a commitment for the play with the MIL then you should really honor that. Canceling on either is going to create hard feelings of resentment from both MIL and girlfriend.
Why not you and the kids go to the communion at 1:00 then leave early for the play (and let the friend know that you are not able to stay for the entire event and why) or you stay for the entire event and let MIL take the kids for the play. I don't think MIL would be so upset about you not going, but more so about the girls not going. All things aside, it is best to honor your initial commitments. It is hard to try and please everyone and sometimes it simply can't be done.
I'd be mad too if I had planned a fun activity with my grand kids and now you're taking it away. I agree you had already made a commitment with the kids and as much as it stinks that was already planned.
The "right or better" way to have done this was to give MIL a call and ask her if there was any way to take the kids to a different show time and explain there was an unexpected invitation and you wanted to check with her before declining.
The KEY words in this conversation that would have made all the difference were:
I just wanted to ASK
Change the show time, NOT say cancel
Unexpected invitation that you will be declining because HER plans were first and she is more important. Not imply...the kids want to go hang out with their friends and not with you.
If you did use the words you shared here it seems that you were "the kids don't want to go with you".
I'm just sharing how I felt with the words you said you used.
The words I put turn it completely around to where it's "they want to go wit you, a lot, but this came up...anyway they can do both? but we definitely plan on keeping the plans with you.
She would have felt cared about and loved and important and MAYBE felt like changing the tickets to another show or a matinee the next day.
Just a thought. Sometimes I say things the wrong way and piss people off too. If I am going to confront/talk/chat with someone and it's going to be stressful I practice what I'm going to say first.
And in no way would I text that information.
I'm sorry you guys are not getting along. It's hard to fight with family.
Why not go to both, as others have suggested? Then, the kids can leave when it's time to head to the play. Surely your friend will understand that a prior commitment was made, and that you yourself will be there for all of the events.
I had my first communion at age 12, and I have no idea who came besides my immediate family.
I had a difficult mother-in-law too, and learned that avoiding power struggles made things better for all of us, even if that meant that sometimes I had to give in or get very creative in finding acceptable alternatives. You're not going to be able to change someone who's like what you described. Save your battles for rare, extremely important things that can't be worked out another way. It sounds like this can be worked out another way.
If you want your children there for your friend's event, then tell her that unfortunately there is a conflict and they cannot attend. You already offered to reimburse her for the tickets and I wouldn't give in to her snit. I almost had to bail on a concert this weekend - fortunately for me, the memorial was scheduled another day and we could go to both. She said one time, you tried to work around it, and now it's another time. She can't even keep the times right. You have to do what you think is best for your family. What does DH have to say? IMO, anyone who gets mad at others re: celebrity affairs has a problem of her own.
Does her daughter have kids? Would they want to go instead?
D., what a mess your MIL sounds like. Her behavior with Brad left Jen is astonishing. Since you were unprepared for her anger over this, it sounds like she is escalating whatever her real issue is.
Won't take her her grandsons to anything? Sounds like she has been awful to them. It's amazing to me that you still let her see your kids.
Please take them to the communion. If you let her do this, she'll just continue to treat you all this way. I think you did just fine dealing with her, quite frankly.
You did commit to her first. When ironing out the conflict you were both working on faulty information. She corrected the error in time.
Can your girls go to the communion at 1 pm with you as you and they prefer and then still go to the play at 4 pm with MIL as originally agreed upon? That way your family is supporting your friends important milestone AND your girls are spending time with their grandmother. Both you and she gets what you want (the girls at the communion and the play). It's win-win!
If there is a reception, sounds like you are not the only people going. If that's the case, your MIL had the plans first. I agree with others that if this was so impt to your friend, she should have invited you a long time ago. Your kids can make the service and say congrats after and you can go to the reception. We have no family around so just shared the day with one other family. Not everyone has a big party. And again, it sounds like you are not the only people going so your friend will have more people than we did even without your kids. I think I comes back to your friend giving you way too little notice. That doesnt make sense if you are so close and this is so important to her. The date was set a very long time ago. If you and your kids will be the only people there, somehow the time can be adjusted so the kids can make more of the reception. Make it for dinner...
If it was me, I would go to the communion alone and let MIL bring the kids to the play, since I had committed to her first. If the kids were able, I would bring them to the church so they could be part of the special day (but only if they were invited and old/mature enough to handle it).
Since you are choosing to cancel with your MIL, I think you did the right thing by offering to reimburse her for the tickets. Hopefully she'll get over it. Maybe you could find another activity for her to do with the kids and make it your treat.
I'd go to Communion, personally. She first said, 1pm. Which was duable. Then said 4pm, which isn't duable. Your MIL should have given you the right time in the first place. I'd leave what you said to her, and go.
I have a MiL like yours. It's always a struggle as you continually try to please and accomodate without taking into account how YOU feel or want.
It's exhausting. Don't fight or argue with her , or allow her to tell. Do just what you did and cut her off. Sorry her feelings were hurt, but you feel a Communion is more important then a play. Especially when given that she gave you the wrong time anyways.
How close are the kids? If they are only casual friends, I probably would have asked MIL if she could keep the kids longer/take them earlier, and go to the communion myself, while allowing the girls to go to the play. If they were super close, I would have pushed a bit for the communion.
