Not Very Social and Kind of Ok with It.

Updated on January 20, 2011
M.S. asks from Palo Alto, CA
17 answers

I’ve always been kind of a loner at heart. I like my me time. However, I have always been attracted to loud guys. Married a loud and very social man. I guess it’s the yin and yang thing. Quiet guys always bored me. I choose loud friends as well. However they do their own thing and won’t smother me or be upset if they don’t hear from me for a while. If I find a friend that always calls and wants to do things I am very quick to go MIA. I’m not one to go shopping every week-end with girlfriends or gab on the phone for hours at a time. I was somewhat more social pre kids, but since being married and working full-time I’m just not and I’m ok with that.

I love my week-ends to be quiet with no agenda because I spend my week-days rushing around watching the clock. A friend I haven’t spoken to in awhile called yesterday and wants to get together. I’m thinking – To do what? Meet me on facebook and let’s banter there, is what I wanted to say. But I didn’t.

Problem: Am I normal? I feel like I should be having more "fun". But what I am doing is fun to me. Most if not all of our friends are married with kids so we do the couple/family things every now and then. Which is fine, but all I think about is getting home and getting away from everything. I want to find a happy medium and be more social, but I’m just not there mentally. I love date night with hubby and spending time with our girls in the house or taking them to the Children’s Museum or something. But once my husband says he wants to invite so and so over I clam up and find excuses to not have anyone over. Don’t feel like being a host and making sure all the toys are cleaned up. Feeling anxious just writing that last sentence. But I don’t want to deprive my husband. I’m pretty lucky that he’s not finding social activity out and about in strip clubs and staying out late.

I am good with quick bursts of conversations. For example, talking with an acquaintance passing in the hall or something. Heck I probably seem really interesting during that short time, but a long convo with them sitting down? I feel I don’t have much to say or ask. Or I feel like I’m not very interesting. I’m good in groups where I am not the main focus.

I do work full-time and have good relationships with my co-workers, and I have 1 best friend that understands me completely. I can be myself around her.

But am I normal that I just want to create my own little world and not interact with others outside of my family?

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answers from Philadelphia on

You sound a lot like me. And I am very normal. If you're content with how things are, who's to say it should be any different?

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Tulsa on

Normal. I too love being home with us 3, though we invite kids over to foster friendships and since she is an only child.
I have become aquainted with people who confessed they feel this way and they almost never let people into their houses. They lounge in pjs all weekend and we assumed they went out of town. They are not shy or socially awkward at all.

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answers from Pittsburgh on

I relate to your post on SO many levels.
If you have 2 or 3 true friends in your life, you are blessed.
Everyone is out there chasing this "thing" when what they are really after is peace and contentment. Sounds like you have that.
I'm not much for idle chit-chat or decisions by committee. No time. More important things to do--like be present in the time.
I think you answered your own question when you wrote: "I feel like I should be having more "fun". But what I am doing is fun to me."

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Augusta on

You sound very much like me.
I am not sure what "normal" is.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

I think everyone has their own limits. If you are not unhappy and not showing signs of depression and not in need of additional socialization, then why worry? However, if you find yourself always saying, "Let's chat online instead", then maybe you should occasionally put yourself out there face to face. It's easy to become insulated but electrons only go so far. It doesn't need to be a big thing. I will meet people for lunch, for example.

My husband's circle of friends was recently rocked by the illness of one of the gang and it reminded me of how important a real-life hug can be. I think it's fine to be less social (I am far less social than my DH), but don't be a hermit.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Sacramento on

I hope so, because you sound a lot like me! :)

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answers from Chattanooga on

Sounds like me too... but hey, 'normal' is overrated. :)

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answers from Phoenix on

Absolutly sounds like a good personality. What it seems to me is that your content. And that is the healthy way to be. Not to be happy or sad because someone said too be...or to be okay to be by yourself.... I think that is very very healthy and like you said......people who know you will not take offense to your participation..... And it is obvious your a home body and a family person where some people may choose to have more social time with friends then with their own family . I know I went down that path and trying to be more aware of that in these past few years.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Norfolk on

I am a lot like you. Your husband sounds like mine. He is very sociable and easy to talk to and he has tons and tons of friends. Me on the other hand well I quilt. lol and I clean and I take care of kids and house.
I so wish sometimes when I see all the moms gathered chatting I had something to say or knew them so I could be included but after one day of that I am good for a long time.
I had had a couple of neighbors that would pop over and stay for a long time and I kinda hated that after a while because then I got nothing done.
The good thing is my husband never invites people over. He figures it is part of his job to communicate and entertain people he is just tired when he gets home. Our closest friends do not live nearby so we only have to think of getting together once a year or every other year now we all have kids.

So to me you sound find. We all can't be chatty kathy's right? lol

1 mom found this helpful


answers from New York on

You are a normal healthy introvert but life will require that you hone your social skills and broaden your horizons. Your husband wants to entertain so you need to accomodate his need to have the friends over. Don't worry about the toys. Just make certain they are not a tripping hazzard for your guests. You can even get the kids to develop a new habit of getting the toys up when they are done with them if you give yourself at least a 30 day leeway.

Relax and enjoy life both with and without the outside world. Life ultimately is about balance.

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answers from Madison on

You do not need anyone to make you happy, you are happy with yourself - that is a great quality!

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Philadelphia on

yes you are normal. i am a fairly social person. we enjoy having people come over but i am just as happy with quiet time.

not everyone is the same...and that is ok.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Philadelphia on

It sounds like you are fairly introverted. It's not normal or abnormal, it's just a way that some people are. Maybe, as a gift to your husband, say yes the next time he wants to invite someone over. It sounds like he generally says yes to your need for just-family time, and it would be kind to help him get his need met, too.

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answers from Norfolk on

Sounds completely normal to me!
When my job became home based instead of office based it took me a good 3 months to relax and not miss the office interactions with other people. Since then I'm happier and don't get a lot of colds anymore.
I use to joke I was aspiring to become one of those people who never leave their house except for a few times a month.
My son's activities keep me busy and going out talking to people and our neighborhood has a few block parties 3 or 4 times a year.
The rest of the time for work I'm emailing and online chatting with co-workers all over the world and I just don't need more interaction than that.
Once my son's off to collage I'll find some interests I've always wanted to learn more about and take a few classes.
Right now my life is pretty full.

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answers from Minneapolis on

Women have been historically called introverts if they are shy etc etc. But only recently some are not just Normally Introverted but may a have a touch of Aspergers. Especially if your education was in science, engineering or another technical field, or have had a strong interest in one or two subjects to the expense of most others. Per our school, women tend to be gifted with and learn to have social skills and like to chat a lot. Women and men will at times support those who are less skilled socially to try to help nurture them if allowed and give the chance. It is fine if you prefer alone time, vs our step-mother who thrives on conversation and community but dislikes quiet time! I wish she could just "get" it! So called a "Social Butterfly". One of my sister in laws with an above average IQ and probably shy learned to act like she was socially friendly and warm and could have fooled anyone! And it did help her. But it is pretty normal when building a family to put your kids first and family first versus going out for a girlfriends night weekly maybe a nice idea for you? My spouse flys once or twice a year to visit her many out-of-state girlfriends. She is more extroverted than I am, but not by a landslide. And it is Good you married an outgoing type person as they can help you do more of that too if you want.



answers from Omaha on

Wow...that is pretty close to how I feel. I am happiest when I am at home alone or just with my husband and daughter. I dread people coming over--not hostess material! I enjoy getting together with neighbors occasionally, but one social event lasts me a long time. You are lucky to have the one friend that understands you completely. That's what I wish I had. I always wondered if there were other people like me out there, but I figured if there are, I'll never meet them because they are home enjoying being alone, just like me. What a catch 22!



answers from Honolulu on

Its fine.
You simply... are needing to not interact.
It is your way of doing what you need to do, to deflate or de-stress.
I get like that too.

I also have a friend, a Mom, that does NOT go anywhere on the weekends. She can't stand to do obligatory socializing on the weekends. She is busy and stressed during the week... and so the weekends are hers.
Her husband and son, have no problem with that.
Not saying she does not interact with them... she does. But she pick and chooses... her social obligations.

But, if you want to retain friends or nurture friendships... then you do need to interact with them and socialize. Some people, if constantly turned down, will just stop... inviting you anywhere or stop being your friend. Because, being a friend, is a 2-way RECIPROCAL street.

I am a real social person... and outgoing. But... privately I am a REAL loner type and like being by myself.
But, well life goes on and I participate in that... because, I don't want things to pass me by.... including my time with my kids/outings/time with hubby or friends.

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