Not Sure What to Tell My Son-- Exclusion

Talk to the teacher to try and get a unbiased view of what is happening. This may require adult assistance but it would require the assistance of an adult that is present. These types of situations are complex and hard to deal with secondhand from a distance.

I remember taking a bunch of kids out to ride bikes. One child was on a bike with smaller wheels and had trouble keeping up. This was not a problem, they were all riding around in circles. But he was frustrated. And he went home and reported that all the other kids were teasing him because his bike was slow. This did not happen. No one said a thing negative to him, and often tried to slow down so he could keep up! After some conversation, he clarified that he *felt* excluded, even though no one had actually said or done anything exclusive.

The teacher needs to be aware of what's going on. I think she should be the one to put a stop to that.

One thing to realize is that most kids believe they are one of two kids:

- the kid who got the shortest turn (regardless of how long the turn actually is)

or

- the kid who got the longest turn (regardless of how long the turn actually is)

Now... he may well have had the shortest turn, and he may have been exiled. (unfair)

Or he may have had a normal turn and been getting in the way of other people trying and told to step back or he wouldn't get a turn tomorrow (VERY fair)

What sticks in my mind the most is that Frank DID let him have a turn. That's not bullying, and it's not mean. That's INCLUSIVE. It's Frank's toy, and he set the rules on how others were to use it, and he didn't just say "You can't play with my toy!" or "You can't play with it tomorrow!"

Instead Frank let ALL the boys play, and refereed, and gave choice-based-consequences.

Frank sounds like a pretty mature 8yo who was trying to be fair with his toy.

While it kills us when our kids are sad, it sometimes help to put the shoe on the other foot as well.

((And kids making up rules about toy use or game play is as old as time. They do it with balls, building sand castles, playing tag. You'd have to ban every piece of playground equipment and toy and game in the school to stop the behavior. It's a developmentally appropriate thing as kids learn to interact with PEERS (as opposed to superiors or inferiors), and define boundaries (healthy), and experiment with cause and effect, and social contracts. So I would NOT have the teacher outlaw toys... because it's fairly pointless. The exact same behavior will go on. But it will be about something else. Personal belonging like a backpack, or watch... or school property like a ball -but if 2 kids are playing with a ball, not everyone gets to play with it unless the first 2 agree)

Teach him to express himself with "I" statements:
"I don't like it when you tell me what to do."

"I think you always give me a short turn."

"I don't like it when you don't let Sam and I have a turn."

Then let him handle it.
Is he as upset as you are?
I have an 8 year old boy. He's funny, sensitive and definitely not an "alpha" type kid. But guess what? He knows how to speak his mind and he OFTEN speaks up for the bully victims.
Empower him to handle this on his own.
Ask him what HE wants.

It's really, really hard. This is the age they establish a pecking order. Teaching him to express himself will bully-proof him.

.

i think if you get involved, it is only going to be worse for him long-term.

First I would speak to his teacher and find out the other side of the story.

Here is the problem, what if what he says is happening is not. What if he is not being excluded but only wants bey blades? If you jump all over this without finding out what is going on this could get ugly and your son really will have social issues at school.

So check with the teacher and if what he is saying is true then define a plan of attack with the teacher.

Good suggestions so far. I would definitely validate with the teacher if this is also what she has observed, and try to get her take on it.

Bottom line though, he has two choices. One, he can do whatever this kid Frank says in the attempt to get Frank to like him, or two, he can do something else, and Frank can go hang. My older daughter ran into a kid like Frank when she was in third grade, and her solution was to completely ignore the "Frank" of her class. As you might imagine, "Frank" was totally incensed that my daughter didn't care about her control-freak games - I mean, this other kid was absolutely driven to distraction by the fact that my daughter blatantly didn't care if she fit in with this girl and her little clique. Finally this girl asked my daughter if she wanted to come play, and my daughter looked at her, raised her eyebrows, and said, "As if!" and ran off to play. (The teacher related this story to me later - I was shocked that my 8 year old played if off that well - not sure I would have done so well at that age!) Anyway, let's just put it this way - my daughter ended up with plenty of friends, many of whom had also been "Frank's" good friends. And lo and behold, this year on the first day of school, the "Frank" girl came running up to my daughter and gave her a big hug! LOL So in my experience, the best thing to do with a bully type personality is to completely ignore their nonsense. Takes away their control and renders them powerless.

Granted, the dynamic with boys may be a bit different. Maybe you can do an end run around it and just get him some BayBlades? As in, "I don't need a turn with your stinkin' beyblades because I have my own!" Just a thought!

Kids often feel left out when they think things are unfair, but that does not mean it is really the case. I would talk to the teacher to get an unbiased Idea of what is happening in the class.

Poor lil' guy! I agree, you should ask the teacher to speak with the class about excluding others and being mean. I will also tell you that I read in a magazine a great way for shy kids to make friends is for them to have the "cool" toys, then the kids will want to play with him, so you might want to try that.

Brainstorm with him, help him figure out how HE wants to handle this. Sit down with pen and paper and write down all the different ways one could handle such a situation, both in the immediate sense of being on the playground, and the larger sense of changing school policy. Include every single thought, no matter how fantastic or inappropriate -- from yelling at the boys to smashing their toys, to starting a different game with someone else, to speaking to the teacher. Then go over them together and cross out ones he knows aren't right (no violence, I'm too shy, etc) and hopefully he will be armed with solutions to try.

In my grandchildren's schools toys from home are not allowed at school for this very reason. I suggest you talk with the teacher.

i have issues with beyblades-- all the boys were playing with them at recess last year... and my son didn't have one... so i understand.

recess is the one time they have to run around and my son NEEDS to run and get out that cooped up energy.

i told my son to start a game of tag or something else. now all the boys run around with him. we did not buy him one, and had he saved up his own money for one (which was fine with us) i probably would have kept it home because i don't feel like it's appropriate use of recess time.

there will always be a cool toy, and you don't need to rush out and spend $20 bucks every few months just so your kid can be cool. it will pass after they realize that it's actually kind of boring because you don't get to do anything once you pull the trigger. and a new dumb toy will come out... but he can have friends and enjoy playing without the new fad, whatever it is. teach him a game that he can do with his friends.

I would be sure to check with the teacher. Many schools have a "no toys from home" policy just for this reason...along with the fact that toys can get broken, stolen, etc.

I would also ask your son if he has talked to the playground teacher. Many times children are to nervous, embarrassed, or afraid to tell a teacher, so when they go home they tell a slightly different version of the story. If the recess teacher knew about it she/he might have put a stop to it right then and there.

Your school should also have an anti-bullying program that should be made clear to the kids. Your child's teacher may be able to have a conversation with the whole class about excluding others without every mentioning your son.

If you do all of this and still don't get the problem resolved to your liking, let your son take a toy that he will have fun with during recess...maybe the other kids will want to join him instead of Frank.

I don't know what Bey Blades are, but your son did get a turn.

This isn't bullying yet, so I don't think there is anything you could or should do.
There is a pecking order on the playground, and more popular people just get more attention. That is just a fact of life. That happens at all ages. If you get a group of adult women together, some will talk more and hog the limelight, while others will recede into the background. That's not bullying, it's just life.

I think you should just tell your son to find other things to do when his turn is over.

If it escalates into real bullying, then deal with it, but at this point it just sounds like the natural order of things.

p.s. It's not his height - it's his personality. I've seen very short kids who were leaders on the playground.

It may be because he's smart and not short. We I was growing up the smart kids were left out. The problem I have is the teacher letting the boy bring bey blades to school. Usually they don't let kids brings those kind of distractions to school. My mother is a retired teacher and those bey blades would have been hers until his parents picked them up. You may want to talk to the teacher without the other kids knowing that you talked to her. I wish your son good luck. Kids can be so cruel.

Just wanted to let you know, that my son was one of the smallest in his class, was shy, and was not really getting involved with the other boys (although noone was actually being mean to him as far as I know).

His uncle gave him a cool Bey Blade, and he it has opened things up for him. I think they 'battle' them or something.

Besides doing all the other stuff with your son as everyone has suggested, Get him a couple of cool Bey Blades, and a stadium, and soon your son will have a little crowd around him too. And he can share his spare Bey Blade.

Good luck!

You can share your story with his teacher and see what she suggests. This also will make her aware of a possible negative situation. Some schools will only allow toys on specific days to avoid things like this from happening.

He sounds like my dad. A very small guy, (who wore huge glasses), got picked on, but he was one of the smarted kids in class and as sharp as a tac. Seriously, wittiest and funniest guy ever, grew to be about 5'6 as an adult. That was how he learned to cope with the big guys and being singled out, by making them laugh (not at him, but with him). Your son just needs to learn his social strengths and receive lots of encouragement from you to branch out and not be dependent on these guys. Tough I know. Also, all the other moms gave some great advice, so I'll leave it there.

Ahhh, that sucks. Kids are mean to eachother. He doesn't need people in his life like that. They only bring you down. He should go off with that other little boy and do stuff together or play with the girls. Just be positive about things to him. tell him to only be kind to the bully. He will make some awesome friends who don't care how short or tall he is.