Not Sure We Did the Right Thing...

Actually, she DOES need it!! Her behavior and dependency, is evidence of that. She actually did better then you think. If she were REALLY scared, she would not even try, and she would cry the whole time. For kids, I don't think 2 weeks is enough. She will need a little more time then that.

She will adjust. Two weeks is not a long time so I would give it more. You
said it takes her time to warm up and be comfortable in new groups. she
is only 21 months give her time ut more than two weeks.

Kids adjust but it takes time. Give her time. Slow to warm children just take a little more time sometimes. As long as she's not showing signs of being upset every day crying the entire time you're gone, and she's not upset the whole time that you're home with her, or showing other signs of distress (regressing with toileting issues, refusing to talk, etc) then I would just give her time to adjust.

Depends on your need. How important is your exam? I think there is nothing wrong with letting her adjust REGARDLESS, but people who have to work and do projects etc don't have the luxury of the totally child led lifestyle. I've had to leave my kids it this age before several times for projects or work etc, and they always come out unscathed and happier on the other end. Kids are resilient creatures who want to live in our world with it's other citizens even if they need to adjust. Don't feel bad. Let her get used to other people.

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I totally agree with everyone about your daughter picking up on your hesitation to have her there. I have a 7-year-old daughter who was very much how you are describing your daughter. Also did not have any family around, so there came a time when I had to put her in care 3 days/ week so I could work part time. Let me tell you, it was tough finding someone I trusted! When I did, though, I put faith in her ability to figure things out and in my own choice, and all went well. In fact, I ended up very happy that things turned out the way they did, because I truly believe, that if not for the early interaction with peers, my daughter would have been crying and clinging to my leg on the first day of kindergarten! Instead, she was happy and self-assured. Now, she is still a kid who likes to observe and take in things before making her move - I have to respect that part of her - but when she does, look out! Also, I've since had two other children (ages 5 & 3), and two things to note: 1) letting go was definitely hardest with my first, and 2) her temperment definitely influenced me more than I realized, because I the other two are bolder and got right into the mix right away, so fewer worries on my part! Good luck to you!

i agree with the other moms. also, be careful when you start worrying about her only playing one-on-one. first, that's all she knows how to do so it's no surprise that she would pull back when other kids start joining in. it doesn't mean she doesn't want to, just that she may not know how. S., two year olds don't play a lot with each other anyway. they do more side by side playing. honestly, and this is not meant to be harsh, but i do think she needs this. first like you say because with a new baby on the way, she DEFINITELY will need to know how to share and get along with other little ones. but also, there's nothing in the world wrong with her being used to and comfortable in the presense of others besides you and your husband. i can't think why anyone would tell you otherwise. if it is something that will help her grow and expand her social horizons, what could be wrong with that? it will bolster her self confidence which is never a bad thing. it's all part of our jobs as moms to teach them as much as we can. hang in there. she will be fine. you are right that she has a higher hill to climb due to her home situation. it's not bad, it's just going to take her a little while to warm up, like you said. that's part of who she is. i am sure you are a great mom, just keep helping her. and be positive - the ladies are right when they say she will definitely pick up on your cues. especially since you two are so close, she will be very attuned to your mood. good luck!

Actually, I think she does need it! I think all children should be exposed to time away from parents and with other kids by age 1 -2 at the latest. They need to get used to not being with you 24/7 and to being around other kids. Kids don't really play together well until around 3 or older. My 2.5 year old will play somewhat with his older brother, but that's at the instigation of the older brother! Two year olds usually just play "near" each other. This is a great time for her to start figuring out how she wants to be in relationship to her peers as well. It's fine if she's slow to warm up or hesitant and careful -that's a personality trait too! I wouldn't pull her out and put off your exam -you're just postponing the same situation over and over again. The longer you wait to do this sort of thing, the worse it's going to be. Trust me -when the new sibling arrives -you'll be SO happy you have somewhere for her to go!

Little kids don't play cooperatively with each other till they are older.
They parallel play (play next to each other) until they are 3,4 sometime 5 yrs old. It's only 6 hours a week. I think she's doing fine and will adjust but it might take longer than 2 weeks.

You've got lots of responses with very different viewpoints so let me chime in with my amalgam of viewpoints.

She doesn't "need" it at all, you are so right (and I totally disagree with the posters who say that she does - prior to the last 20-30 years where daycare has become the "norm": - most kids did not experienced forced socialization away from their Moms at all - and none until they had a sibling or went to school! Now because so many of us work and use daycare we try to flip it around and say kids "need it". bulls**t if you ask me).

That said, if you need to do it because you have your exam or for whatever reason (any reasons you have are valid), I think you can work it out. Many children who are fortunate enough to be with their parents when young get introduced to part time pre-school (usually 2 or 3 mornings/week) when they are 2 yrs 9 months old. SO, you are just doing it a little early. I totally disagree with the woman who said she won't adjust because she isn't there full time, that's ridiculous to me. How do all those part-time pre-schoolers adjust? Seriously, they do just fine, and so will yours. My daughter has a temperament that sounds similar to yours and had NEVER been left with a stranger (my Mom and a neighbor care for her) and we sent her to pre-school Tue/Thur mornings when she turned 3. It's just 9-11:45. She was not interested in going at all. The first day, I went and stayed there the whole time. I did not leave. But I tried to stay in the background so she could "play" etc. Remember, at this age they do not play with each other, they only play themselves while others are also playing. Parallel play. ANyway, the second time I also was prepared to stay the whole time, but at one point she seemed totally comfortable so I went over and gave her a kiss and told her I'd be back to pick her up in a little bit. No tears. Easy as pie. After that it was easy to drop her off. She needs about 5-10 minutes of transition time - she likes to show me what she is going to play with etc and then I leave. If I had just left her there on the first two days I believe the adjustment would have been a lot worse. SO, if you & the sitter are willing, maybe you can try to transition her a little like that.

Good luck - you sound like a great Mom and whatever you do I am sure it will work out.

If she was older I would actually worry more, but your exam sounds important and once you are done that will lesson your worry about one issue. As far as not playing alongside other children, that is perhaps simply her temperament and not something that needs to be pushed. There are always people in life who are independent and quite content to be alone and then there are people like my husband who needs someone around him every second. Well, that has changed a little, but understand, you are experiencing a lot right now and you need to de stress. If there were other problems I would worry, or if the sitter isn't capable of watching her if she is like that she should let you know, but personally having had children, having babysat, one peaceful child who prefers to be solo occasionally is usually not a horrible problem.

Hey there~
Your daughter sounds just like mine. She's 7 now and I have always called her a "cautious observer." I had my daughter in daycare as an infant, until about 20 months then out for a year when our son was born prematurely, then back in part-time for a couple years until she went to preschool. Your daughter's behavior in this new situation may have less to do with the fact the she's been home with you and dad, and more to do with just who she is.

If it were me, I would make my decision to keep her in based on how important the test was and how comfortable I felt with the provider. Your provider will be a big factor influencing how your daughter adjusts. If she can connect with her, comfort, redirect and engage her then it's likely that the environment will be a good fit. If she becomes irritated by the length of time or severity of your daughter's emotion then it could be difficult. If you like the provider I'd definitely give it more than 2 weeks. Be positive ad excited when you drop off and pick up. Ask her about her day and give her lots of encouragement and extra love.

I also wanted to add that as she gets older, you'll want to provide her with small opportunities to experience and be successful in new situations and environments. I didn't do this enough with my daughter and I wish I had. For my son this hasn't been as necessary, because he's has a different personality. But for her, change is difficult, attention paid to her is difficult to accept, new environments cause anxiety. It can be difficult to know when to push and when to support and wait for them to be ready. You might like the book Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child... one book on my list of must reads!

Good luck!!

I would give it a little more time. It does take time to adjust, but socialization is a great thing at young ages. It will help her so much when she is older and ready to begin school. My son and daughter (ages 2 and 3) attend a Mom's Day Out program once a week. My son is very social and just took to it like a fish to water. My daughter is more reserved and we have had to deal with a little bit of the separation anxiety with her. It is best if you can make the drop off time as brief as possible. Give her a big hug and kiss, let her know you love her and will be back in a couple of hours. Then leave, especially if she is crying. As a parent I know this is the HARDEST thing in the world to do, but as a former teacher it is the best course of action in the long run. Once she gets used to the routine and people around her, she should be fine. If not, I would pull her out too and maybe look for another program. Good luck!
A.

Aww:( I remember how hard that was when I had to leave my crying daughters! I think I cried every day after dropping them off with the sitter for about a month! I felt like the worst mother ever, but everyone kept reassuring me that they were safe, well cared for and would adjust. It still broke my heart, though. Many times in the first few weeks, I struggled to stay strong and considered taking them out permanently. Then, one day in the parking lot, I met another bawling Mom on her way to her car, too! We bonded quickly and knew that it was best for our babies and our lives to let them stay, despite how horrible we felt. We became each others "sponsors" over the next month or so. Every time one of us was feeling weak or about to pick them back up, we leaned on the other for support. We reminded ourselves and each other of the many, many studies that proved we weren't the world's worst parents, etc. We cheered for each other when we were strong, we hugged when we cried and we vented in between. Eventually, it got better and our kids did adjust. Over 10 years later I promise you that they weren't permanently scarred by this. I think I was, lol, but they are fine! If you don't have someone who is going through this to be your "sponsor", have your best friend or husband, etc. to help you. If she still hasn't adjusted in 3-4 weeks, consult your pediatrician or a counselor for some ideas on how to proceed before just taking her out and putting off your exam. Sometimes you will have to make some minor tweaks. Kids pick up on our body language, signals, etc. Try to do what you can to give off the right "vibes", even though it seems impossible:).

Hang in there and know that I am cheering for you! I hope everything works out! You sound like a very amazing mom! Keep up the good work:)

She's still a litte young ot play with children, she's more in the modeling and side by side play, than actual interaction with other kids play. It may take some time to warm up for her, but I'm sure she's good.

My daughter was the same way when she went to preschool. Some kids take a little more time to warm up. She had some trouble at first but now she can't wait to go to school and see her friends. It may take some time but stick with it. She will get used to it. She needs to be with other kids. Not just mommy and daddy. I know that it's hard but don't give up. Good Luck!

I believe the most important part of your relationship with your child is you. You need to feel comfortable and aligned with yourself and how you feel about yourself. Right now, it seems like you are not feeling too good about your decision to leave her with someone. Your child can and will sense that in you. And if the toddler feels that you are not really okay with the whole thing, she will react and respond, and even be influenced by your vibrations.

I recommend that you spend time with the baby, talk to her emotionally and let her know why you are doing things. But you have to be at peace with yourself first before you can convey what you want to say to her.

Let me know how this goes. We communicate with vibrations, not words or actions. Watch what happens when you align yourself, and find peace with where you are... Your child will love her freedom..

The hard reality is that she will not get used to it in 2 hour play sessions. 2 hours is just enough for her to be scared, lonely, thinking about you obsessively and not enough time for her to HAVE to let go and play. Children, like adults, don't thrive on being upset. She will eventually want to be happy. But you are teaching her that it's going to end pretty soon. She may not understand time. But 2 hours is nothing. Given enough time she absolutely will drop her guard and become curious and playful. 2 hours, even 6 hours per week is just enough for her to be miserable and stay miserable.

This is 25 years experience talking and I can tell you I run for the hills when people call asking me for something like this for a young child. A 3 or 4 year old that has had PLENTY of previous socialization could handle it fine. I believe She needs 2-3 weeks of full-time care and then you could easily go back to shorter days.

At that age and part time it may take 3 WEEKS for her to adjust and be happy and get used to the other kids. You are doing the right thing, having her get used to other people, other kids and being away from you for short times is GREAT and the best thing you can do to foster independence.

I agree wholeheartedly with Julie. It may be more of a personality thing with your daughter, than that she is having any kind of "problems" adjusting. My daughter is also a much more reserved child. It doesn't mean that she has a problem socializing or is in any way traumatized just because she prefers to play more one-on-one or in smaller groups than a group of little rambunctious kids. Some kids are quieter and more introverted. Absolutely nothing wrong with that. As long as your care giver isn't FORCING her to participate in group activities when your daughter would rather stay back and watch a little, then not a big deal. She will take part when she wants to, and that may be when it is quieter, or there are fewer inputs of information/noise. It doesn't mean she isn't learning or engaging by watching/observing. She IS. Lots of people learn by seeing other people succeed or make mistakes before they ever try something themselves. And are more private when they are trying something new. It is a personality thing.

She will be fine! Your experience of her crying for a few min and then on and off during the day is great! That is a really good first day---some kids will scream for a week---seriously. So please, give your child at least a month to get adjusted and see how she does. With the new baby coming, she already has more changes coming---leave her there. Just keep checking with the provider and see how things go. I know it is so hard to leave, but she really will be ok! :)

M

She'll be just fine! It sounds like she's been there just once? And she cried for a couple of minutes and then looked a little dazed when you picked her up? Honestly, that sounds like a great first day. My oldest was slow to warm up and his daycare drop off (he went 2x per week starting at 18 months old and spent the other 3 weekdays with my mom) and he cried for a solid 5-10 minutes at drop off for years. Yes, years! And yet, I would observe him later (without him seeing me) and yes, he was fine and having a grand old time. Give it a few weeks (I would say 3-4 weeks because really, she's getting in a week what most babies get in less than a day of childcare) and I bet she'll get into the swing of things in no time and will really enjoy her time there. It will give her somewhere to go and do "big girl things" when you have the baby too. Relax - like all new experiences, it'll be an adjustment but really, having her spend time with other adults and kids is a wonderful thing.

Maybe try to invite some other children over to your house for a playdate on days your home? Give her some experience in the comfort of her own home with other children. As a daycare provider it takes some kids a lot of time to develop a relationship with a group of children--you can't force it and not exposing her to the challenge won't help her either. My daughter at this same age would scream everytime her new daycare buddy (only a few months older than her but much bigger and rougher) would touch her or get near her. This went on for months, but slowly she learned he wasn't trying to hurt her and he learned to be more gentle and accomodating--they are best friends now a year later and whines on the weekends when he is gone. Give her time and more experience with other children in your home. Are the same basic group of children there each time? If not --maybe finding a provider with a more stable group of children would help her--building rapport betw. kids is important for them to learn to trust one another and get a feel for each other

She will be fine, when our youngest had a problem when I left him when he was small I would place a kiss in the plam of each hand for him to have when he needed it, which worked for him and soon enough he was out playing with the other children.

Could you have a sitter come to the house a couple days a week?

Your sweet baby needs you. The exam will always be there, but she needs you now. If you are doing this as an option, put it off. Take this precious, fleeting time for your children. It will be good for your daughter to be with you, especially with the new baby coming. Mine never go to any sort of daycare or whatever you might want to call it. They don't need it, and they are so much better off right at home with their family. I get the impression that you know this in your heart. :) You sound like a really sweet and loving mother!