Not Sure If What I Feel Is Ok....

Updated on February 15, 2012
K.H. asks from Wausau, WI
34 answers

My boyfriend has a friend who is a female and has been friends with her since before I knew him. He told me that one night when he was at her place there was a house party and everyone passed out in her living room...but they were not tired so she said they could go in her room and hang out on the bed to watch a movie so they wouldn't disturb the people sleeping...well he said she kissed him and you can guess what happened next. That was the only time they did anything like he says. This was a long time ago before I knew him, he still goes to her place to talk to her and catch up...he will even talk to her on the phone still. I told him it makes me uncomfortable that he still does this....and he still does I wrong for being upset about this? What would you do?

I am 27 and he is 24 we have been together almost 2 years now. This took place 8 years ago. And we do have plans on getting married...we also have a 2 month old together

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So What Happened?

P.S. I have known this girl since High School. She is the kind of girl who is loud and in your face when she talks to people...but she is very friendly but very blunt about her opinions, She's a very intimidating person to be around for shy people like me. I trust him but not her, he tells me when he's gonna stop at her place, I could go if I wanted but knowing all of this would make me feel VERY awkward being there sitting with them...I would have nothing to say around her. She also knows I don't like this...and she kinda dislikes me since she heard about how I feel!

Maybe I will just suck it up and go with him to her place when he goes...he does offer to let me come with.


Michelle S. I got pregnant me, I was not ready to have another baby this soon after being divorced.

Featured Answers


answers from Houston on

I smell smoke........
A man in a committed relationship DOES NOT go to another girls house, to 'catch up'....
Sorry you're having to deal with this, but address it soon.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from San Antonio on

I do not think you are wrong to be upset about this.
He's not ready for another relationship now...he's still wanting a relationship with her. If he had moved on, he wouldn't be going over to her place. Sorry.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Seattle on

So he slept with her when he was 16? Honey that is a long time ago and he is probably not the same person he was at 16.
Personally I would never ask my DH to get rid of a friend they have had for years (female or male)... and I know he still talks to various exes every now and then.
The thing is, this friendship is unlikely to go away, so I would suggest that you either make absolute peace with it - because otherwise it will continue to bother you when you marry this guy - or move on to someone without that kind of baggage.
Oops nevermind, I see you have a baby together, in this case better make peace with it.
Good luck!

2 moms found this helpful

More Answers


answers from Nashville on

You are right in how you feel.

It is NOT ok for him to confide in her and spend time talking to each other.

I would not allow this in my marriage.

I don't care how long they have been friends. There needs to be a line and that line is not to be crossed.

He needs to respect you more. If he can't, then don't marry him.

What he is showing you today are things he will continue when you are married.

If the man I was with could not stop talking to a female friend out of respect for our relationship then that's it.

Trust me, he wouldn't want you going over to some male friends house to spend time together and talk (and that the two of you have had sex before).

In the long run, this won't work out because there is not enough respect from him to you.

Good luck.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

Ok, I hear hormones talking.

Why would you hold something against him that happened that long ago?

PLUS, you said he invites you to go over there with him so pack that baby up and go with him or get a sitter and go with him.

Don't let her harm your self esteem, he is with YOU not her.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on


Your feelings are valid - it is how you feel - with that being said - I think you have a lot of postpartum hormones going on! You have a 2 month old baby. I was all over the place after my kids were born!

He TELLS YOU. He's not hiding.
Please DO NOT hold something over his head that happened BEFORE he knew you. My husband has women as friends. If you trust him - then STOP making yourself crazy about HER. your feelings of insecurity WILL get in the way of your relationship IF you allow it. So don't give her that credit. Have faith in your relationship. Have faith in him. Don't be **THAT** girl who gets crazy, jealous's OKAY!!

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Los Angeles on

It depends on the man.

I trust my husband and he trusts me. Period. My ex-boyfriend comes into town and I meet him at his hotel to pick him up and we have dinner out and then I drop him off. My husband knows and doesn't necessary like it, but he's married and has been for 13 years. I've been married for 11 years and have 4 kids. My ex and I had an ok romantic relationship, but have an even better friendship, once we had no expectations of each know, being out of a romantic relationship.

I still talk to many of my ex-boyfriends. I figure if I liked them enough to date them....then I should be able to have lunch or something with them. One of mine recently became engaged (we broke up almost 17 years ago) and I am so happy he finally found someone.

I have another ex, who I would have never trusted with other women, hence we broke up.

If my husband wanted to have lunch periodically with an ex-girlfriend, I'd be fine with it. It depends on the man and I don't have many insecurities.

I'd go with him and see, you might just end up liking her!

4 moms found this helpful


answers from St. Louis on

She is not his girlfriend for a reason, you are, for a reason. You are looking at something he did when he was 16!! Do you remember how stupid and immature a 16 year old boy is?

What happened should not even effect your opinion of him or her. She was an immature 16 year old at the time as well.

Here is the thing with it making you uncomfortable, it shows you are insecure. That is your issue and yours alone because what he did 8 years before when he was a kid should not make anyone insecure. You are holding him accountable for something in the past, something he did when he didn't even know you existed on this planet. You need to figure out why you are insecure and it has nothing to do with this girl and work on that. I have seen many relationships destroyed by insecurity.

He is still doing it because you are saying you don't trust him and rightfully he is upset by that. He hasn't given you a reason to not trust him. Having a friend who is female is not a reason.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Hartford on

Let me get this straight. He knows how you feel but he STILL GOES and is still behaving as he did when he was 16 years old even though he has a fiancee and a baby at home. She knows how you feel but "hates you" because you've voiced your discomfort over the situation. Yet you trust him and not her.

You do have a right to be upset with HIM. He's the one continuing the relationship with this woman. He's the one living in the past with an ex-hook-up. He's the one trying to extend his teen years when he has you and a baby at home. This sounds like a horribly written soap opera drama.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

I would not let it get to you. He was young when that happend. That is his past and you can't hold someones past against them unless they give you reasons to. I had a kid before I met my husband and he knows all of my past but he holds non of it against me. I do talk to some guys that I have kissed before. One that I was very serious about back when I was a teen ager and if we would have not brocken up we would have gotten married but my husband trusts me and that's they key. Trust. If you trust him.

Good Luck and God Bless!

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Seattle on

My best friend and I hung out for years (about 5). We dated people, went dancing, were always on the phone together. One night we went out and came home exhausted. We collapsed on his bed and went to sleep. Woke up, and one thing led to get the picture. We remained friends, hanging out, dancing, always on the phone. I got pregnant and he was there for me when the bio dad left me. Guess what?
We are now married. Have been for 9 years. Have three kids together.
I am not saying that that is where is friendship is heading, but I would be REALLY wary of my husband hanging out with someone he had slept with.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Philadelphia on

I would say to hold something against him for something he did when he was 16 is a little silly. Although I think you should hang out with them and try and get over it (go over with the baby). If you hang out with them, then you'll see if theres over the top flirting going on, or if they're awward with you aroumd, if not, its J. two people who are friends. He seems like he's being honest. If you J. don't like them hanging in her house, why not simply ask that he meet her out if you cant get over the insecurities? I do however think that he should listen to your worries and concerns and possibly not do it as often if he is going over there daily/weekly, but I;d say the same if he was going over a guys house daily and it was interupting your relationship and time with his baby.
Honstly if I was worried about a girl my boyfriend was hanging with, I'd make it a priority to meet her and try and be friends. You know the old saying ".....keep your enemies closer". Then if you see something shady or shes rude to you, you can discuss it with valid reasons and a level head.
I'm friends with guys that I've done stuff with, and its purely platonic, my boyfriend isn't friends with any ex's but does have female friends and its platonic. He gets a little irked sometimes when they text or call M. at odd hours but for the most part it doesnt bother him and he makes sure to come along when hes available, not to monitor things but to J. hang out. Twice theres been a distant friend that have been faded out because they've shown intentions otherwise (like i said a distant friend...that wasnt an actual friend who cared about our well being...we've both had it happen once...but thats it)

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Omaha on

I've been with my husband nearly 15 years now. His only other serious girlfriend and him are great friends now. I'd actually say she is one of my best friends too.

Basically when MYspace was new he found her on there and started to talk to her again. He left things really crappy and was an utter jerk to her. He felt like he needed to make amends and apologize. He went to her place a few times and they caught up. He started to hang out with her more and I got nervous. So the next time they hung out I made sure I had a babysitter and I went along. Funnily enough she was amazing. We had a great time! Now pry 5 years later I'd say I'm better friends with her than he is.

It's funny because she works at a store that well is neat. She now calls and texts us when to come in because of sales and things they get in that are a great deal. My daughter likes expensive clothing so it works out wonderful. My husband commented the last time we went in a few days ago that he would have never thought 16 years ago that she'd be our friend and getting our daughter awesome clothes and we'd be buying her daughter toys and clothes and be waiting on pins and needles for her to have her son this spring.

So not always is it doom if a boy is friends with an old friend. Even an old friend they were intimate to. If you don't trust him I understand that but if you do I'd do what I did and get to know her. Then you can see with your own eyes if there is anything there... and heck maybe just maybe you'll make a new friend. It was the last thing I expected but I'm so happy for it now.

Oh I should add she is also very loud and opinionated. She's also one of those girls that everyone likes. I'm also very withdrawn and quiet too. I felt awkward at first. I knew her since high school too and had preconceived notions of her. She did of me to. She kept mentioning certain things she remembered about me over and over. I think she was trying to show me she noticed me and was trying to connect at the time. Sure she's still loud and opinionated but now I admire that about her. Sometimes things aren't what they seem. Not to mention I got over the awkward stuff after we started to share experiences and get to know each other. Now she's like my sister.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from La Crosse on

I think you need to go with him more often and get to know her also personally.

I don't think there is anything wrong with him being friends with her. I think if you would get to know her better then some of the jealousy you are feeling would go away.

One of my best friends is a male and we dated when we were in high school. We had slept together while we were dating. My husband knows all of this and still gave him a shot. Now the 3 of us are good friends. On the other hand my husband is close friends with his ex fiance. I know they have also slept together. At first I was uneasy about them being together also, but I took my guard down and got to know her. Now us 3 are also very good friends. Actually I think her and I are closer friends than them two are anymore lol. He jokes all the time about how scary it is us being such good friends and she will throw out sexual jokes or what ever. But I know she would never cross that line nor would he.

Just because they were together, they aren't anymore and he is in love with me and I know that he is only with me... as does my husband know this with my ex. When your in a relationship you have realize that things happen in peoples past and you except them for who they are not who they slept with. They realize that they are better friends than lovers... and if it only happened one time then I say cut him a break. At least he was honest about it and didn't lie to you. That right there says a lot about him and her.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from San Antonio on

Seriously I would not be comfortable with my boyfriend or hubby hanging out with an ex and I DO NOT CARE HOW MANY YEARS HAVE GONE BY. He is being selfish and doesn't respect you at all. How would he like it if the tables were turned, I don't think he would like it one bit. This is just my opinion and if you choose to put up with him having a ex friend that he slept with then that is your choice but I would be up front and tell him you do not approve and either he will respect you enough to stop seeing this girl. He is young and still needs a lot of growing up to do so either stand by your man or get out while you still can. I know you have a child with him but remember that will not always keep a couple together, sorry to read about your situation and I wish you the best.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Pittsburgh on

I don't agree with opposite sex friendships within my marriage. I mean, my husband can be friends with my girlfriends through me. Or he can say his buddies wives are his friends as an extension of their friendship. I have never agreed with him having a relationship with another woman that he would confide in, spend time with because it makes him feel good, or feel obliged to show loyalty to. There is no room in my marriage for another womans feelings or time. He did not have close friendships with other girls when we met that I forced him to end. But I did let him know that I was not getting serious with someone that cared to have relationships with other women. He wouldn't want me to have a bunch of guy friends, either. I admire people that are so trusting and open to this concept. But, I don't know one single couple, my age or that of my parents generation, who has relationships with opposite sex friends that they chat on the phone with and get together with on a regular basis. Wait until those hormones even out and think about what you can live with for the rest of your life. Tell him.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Rapid City on

It is hard to not be worried where you know they did "it" before, but this speaks more of your own insecurities rather then his trustworthiness. He did this before he knew you, it only happened once and he told you about it. This tells me that it wasn't all that great, they make better friends then lovers and he loves you enough to ask you to marry him, not something he did with her or anyone else. There is an old saying "Don't borrow trouble" which is what you are doing here. When my husband and I first met, he told me about his high school girlfriend who became a hair stylist after high school. He introduced me to her and she has the same name as me. Anyway, I know he was her "first" and that they broke up because my husband wouldn't go to her senior prom with her. I also know that he still went to her to get his hair cut. I didn't see any reason to be upset with it. Even after we married I would make appointments for his hair cuts with her. We have been married 30 years this coming November and I have visited with her many times over the years.

Trust your fiance, he hasn't given you any reason not to.

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answers from Washington DC on

If you are in a monogamous relationship, he shouldn't be having such a close relationship with another woman. How long have you been exclusive? Do you have marriage plans? I think you need to find out from him how serious he is about your relationship...then you can let him know that this other woman needs to take a back seat to you.

I wouldn't want my husband to have that close of a "female friend"

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Cumberland on

He was very young then-but I see your point. Maybe you should talk to her-to make sure she has moved on?? If that upsets him (having a benign conversation with her) then he is not for you! Also-when he continues to do something that you don't like or hurts you or causes you discomfort, and you are being reasonable-then that's called being punitive-and he is not right for you.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Kansas City on

I guess it's ok to be upset, but he was up front and honest with you, and it happened 8 years ago. Perhaps it would be better if he hung out with her at your place instead of his? My husband was kind of jealous of a friend of mine that I slept with before we met, but he knows I'm totally committed to him and that nothing would ever happen between me and the friend again. He's not even jealous of my best guy friend, even though we have weird little in jokes and probably would have gotten together if I'd never met my husband. It's the trust that's important.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

I wouldn't like it either and it wouldn't be ok. I trust my husband too but that doesn't make it ok because if the shoe was on the other foot, it wouldn't fly with him either. I would feel bad telling him its me or her but if he loves me and wants to spend his life with me, it would be a no brainer! Be cautious...

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Victoria on

I say let it go. He was about 16 when all this happened. It did not work out for a relationship between them but the friendship lasted. Go with your gut. Its ok to ask him to back down from being so friendly with her and calling her alot. Talking to him and letting him know it makes you a little uncomfortable. Dont fight over the topic. Stay on a sweet level so he will respect your request.
Not feel like he is stomping out the drama or being controlled. Allowing him to see your side of it and wanting to protect your feelings. Also tell him to look at it from your point of view. Ask him how he would feel if you were talking to an old one night stand that you were still friends with. ???

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answers from Dallas on

what you feel belongs to you. no one can take that away from you. your feelings are valid simply because you feel them. and I think I would feel pretty much the same way. It's not appropriate. ANd it makes you uncomfortable. I would hope that he would respect that. But guys don't always do what we think they should. I hate to be a child but this may call for a dose of "how would you like it?" Look up an old friend guy that you hooked up with once. Make plans to go see him. Watch your mans head explode and thenmaybe he will have a new insight into your discomfort.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Milwaukee on

I didn't read all of the responses, but my feeling is that teenagers aren't who they really are as teenagers and are liable to do some very stupid things. If your boyfriend was the same person he was at 16 would you be happy dating him? My guess is no, though I could be wrong. The fact that this was forever ago and he was upfront about the information makes me feel like this is a non issue, but that's me. I wouldn't dream of asking my husband to get rid of a long time friend, male or female, just like he wouldn't do that to me. HOWEVER...
Since you've made it clear you are uncomfortable and your boyfriend seems to ignore that is what stands out to me. If you've had serious discussions about your feelings and he still can't see your feelings as valid, is that saying something about your relationship? I don't know you or your boyfriend, but I would be concerned if my feelings and opinions were repeatedly overlooked.
Again, these are my impressions based on what I've read. We both differ in our view of the friend situation, so it's easy for me to say that it's not a big deal and try to get past it and enjoy a new friend (since you say she is friendly, though blunt).
Good luck with this and congratulations on your new baby!

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Columbia on

Have you met her and spent any time with her? Are you concerned that she's still carrying a torch for him? Do you trust him?

I think answering these questions will help you figure out what to do next.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from New York on

So he had 6 years since this happened and before he met you to be with this girl if he wanted. He didn't want to! She doesn't like you bc she knows that! Don't worry about it. I had lots of guy friends and with most, somewhere along the way there was a drunk hook-up (not sex but fooling around). That stopped once I was older but at 16 (ok - I started much later but still) it's NOTHING.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

No, you're not wrong. How long have you been with your boyfriend? As long as my husband and I have been together, I do not call my best friend (who is a guy) without my husband being right there, and most of the time I have my husband call him for me. I think its inappropriate for my bff and I to talk behind my husband's back because I wouldn't want to put myself and my friend in a situation to cause my husband not to trust us. He used to have a female friend when we were dating, I told him I was uncomfortable with the way she hung all over him, etc., and he gave her some firm boundaries and she went away. When my best friend has a girlfriend, he talks to me a lot less because he doesn't want to make his girlfriend uncomfortable, and I'm OK with that. I agree with you, I think you should stick to your guns and put your foot down on this issue. If he cares about you he will not do anything to hurt you. If she is truly his friend she will understand.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

Is it that she's a woman or that they have a history? Further, is his behavior as transparent as you need it to be? If he's shown you that he's on the up and up when he visits with her or talks to her now, and you have no reason to mistrust him, then I'd try to let it go. Sometimes we joke that you can't swing a cat without hitting one of my DH's exes (they still all live in the same area). But at the end of the day, the ones he is still friends with respect that I'm his wife and I know that he's coming home to me. Similarly, if I hang out with my male friends (one of our mutual friends is a SAHD), he has no reason not to trust me. You can feel awkward around her, or you can go and maybe see that there's nothing to worry about. Don't let something that happened 8 years ago displace you now as his fiancee. I would talk to him about his friendship if it's at the expense of your relationship. You need to hold off the wedding til the two of you can trust each other.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Minneapolis on

You and he have a baby together. Why is he spending so much time with her? He needs to focus on you guys now. I'd be suspicious of the time suck.

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answers from Washington DC on

Of course what you are feeling is okay, and natural. As for what happened before you met your boyfriend, you can't change any of that. It comes down to trust. Trusting both your boyfriend and her.

I know of a similar situation in my family. The wife has the same concerns as you, but these two people are truly friends and while something did happen in their past, they are past it and have no romantic interest in each other. I can guarantee that nothing in the future will happen. They've come to value their families and their friendships too much.

For your situation, personally, I would keep the radar on low, and not let him attend any parties at her house without you. :)

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Houston on

#1 - your feelings are never wrong. They are simply information.

#2 - a lot of this depends on how long you have been together, how comitted you are, etc.

If this is a fairly new relationship, or there has been no talk of long-term comittment, then I would never try to get between my SO and his best friend. If I haven't met her, I would want to set something up for the three of us to spend some time together.

If you've been together for a long time and are planning your futures together, then this is a bigger issue (IMO). He's not respecting the boundaries that you are comfortable with. That's not an issue of HER, it's an issue of the two of you.

Regardless of the answers to #2, or even the length/level of the relationship, you need to be aware of what your feelings are telling you.

If this situation has you uncomfortable, you need to explore deeper as to WHY it makes you uncomfortable. Is it him? Is it her? Is it you? THAT'S what you need to discuss with your boyfriend - the real reason you feel uncomfortable - not that you simply feel uncomfortable.

I personally believe that men and women can be friends without romantic feelings surfacing on either person's part.

That said, my husband was talking to an ex every day, multiple times a day and never told me. I never felt comfortable with any communication with this girl - it was her I didn't trust, not him. He was always trying to reassure me it was purely platonic - not even close friends, just a text message every now and then (which IS how it started). Well, it grew.

When I found out, it was like a wake-up call for him. He truly didn't realize that marriage and long-term comittment means other relationships must change sometimes. We've not had a problem like this since. HE volunteered to cut off the relationship entirely when he realized how hurtful it was, and he's kept his word. Sometimes they just don't get it - I had a friend go through a similar experience with her husband early early into their marriage.

The main point, though, is that you need to determine what your feelings are telling you about this situation and then work from there. If he refuses to change anything and it continues to bother you, then you need to decide what's best for you and go from there.

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answers from Norfolk on

I don't think either of you are ready to settle down together yet.
He's seeing other people, and you should be, too.
When you meet the right one (and he meets you) and you get to know each other - eventually you both lose the desire to see others.
When my husband and I got engaged - we were SO GLAD we didn't have to deal with dating any one else anymore.
If he's seeing this other girl, then he doesn't care that much about how you feel about it.
You can do better than him.
Start dating other guys and phase the current guy out.
His loss.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Lake Charles on

He killed his chance to ever keep a friendly relationship with this girl when he told you they slept together. If it was before you met and he was still JUST friends with this girl he had no reason to tell you anything else had happened, especially if it was a mistake. So I'd question why he told you in the first place (maybe he wanted you to be aware?) so no, I would not be comfortable with it because obviously it meant something, enough that he felt he had to tell you about it. I'd tell him that you were uncomfortable with him seeing this girl in person at her place without you there.. the phone stuff wouldnt bother me but why does he need to go see her without you? If the friendship with her means more to him than your feelings do then you should probably look elsewhere for someone to marry.


answers from Jacksonville on

It would be helpful to know how old you guys are, how long you have been "a couple" and how long ago the incident with the party was. But in general, I agree with Jim (and I think as a guy, he would have a little insight into this) and also with Yogimama---sounds like he is still interested in her. Maybe he hasn't said so, and maybe he doesn't want to admit it to himself... but I don't really know any other reason he would still be dropping by her place on a regular basis, alone.... Not if you guys are all adults.

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