Not Sure If Divorce Is the Answer But...

I wish I could be the supportive listening ear you probably are looking for but I'll tell it to you as it is - I have been in your shoes and still remain in your shoes, dealing with a heck of a lot more than you describe dealing with. My husband has BP and he has lost his job on average each yr. since we're married. Marriage is NOT disposable NOR are spouses. You committed to him in sickness and in health, in wealth and in poverty. If you didn't mean it, fine. Be honest with yourself. If you did mean it, then you've got a lot of work to do before giving up on your marriage. I say this to you harshly only because they say you cannot judge a person until you're in their shoes. I am in your shoes and I'll tell you life is not supposed to be easy, its meant to be rewarding and meaningful. Just because this time in your life stinks and you feel like giving up on him and the relationship does not mean that you're doing what's right. Often we take the easy road out because we are not willing to be honest with ourselves and we are not willing to do the work required to succeed in the hardest times. Please don't cheat yourself, your husband, your marriage, your life and most of all, your children. I could go on and on about how being in the same situation with many many complications has been the better of the two choices. You will have to live with yours. Just make the one that you will NEVER regret...and please please for the sake of everyone involved, get a lot of help and therapy before throwing away a potentially good thing. If you are interested in making this work I would be happy to give you more personal details but you have to make up your mind that that is truly what you want. Do not let this get in the way of your family. Good luck and may G-d give you strength through all of this. G-d bless you.

HAVE FAITH IN GOD....NO YOU CAN NOT DO EVERYTHING BY YOURSELF. When both of you took your vows it said for better or for worse, in sickness and in health. My husband and I has gone through a whole lot of worse and we are still together because we both respect our vows and communicate alot. My husband's job was downsized and lost his job in 2005 after 14 years there, he then found another job in November 2005 to find out in the middle of April that is last day of work is May 31 2007. I thank God everyday that I was able to get him a job where I work. We also have a parapalegic mother-in-law that literally put a stop to our families vacation or any fun stuff we want to do has a family, but working through that by communicating with eachother ALOT. You should first contact your husband and let him know that his children and you NEED him back home, both of you should also talk to your pastor or marriage counseling so you can get more advice on putting your relationship back on track, ask your family if they can watch your children or you can assistance to help pay for some of the daycare like 4-C. That is so great that you have a huge family support system because right now you will need them more then ever. As for you house, once your husband comes back sit down and tell him about the situation of the house. If you have a huge mortgage payment sell your house put the money you get out of it and put it in saving rent or stay with your family until you guys can get in apartment until you get back on your feet. It will take alot of work, prayers, and determination. It won't happen overnight. God bless your family and you will definitely be in my prayers. Good luck and hang tight it will work out at the end.

Jen,

I am sorry to hear about your situation. Only because you have asked for honest feedback, I will share my personal feelings. I too have a family member (not my husband) with BP. While I'm sure your first instinct is to run and close him out, you should actually do the opposite. Remember the vows that you made to one another, and think of what would happen if you were the one to be sick, whether it was with BP or cancer, or whatever. Probably much of the unhappiness that he has experienced personally and as a couple was too much and just set this off. Your spouse is your best friend for life. As long as there are no signs of violence, you should stick next to his side, get both of you into counseling and perhaps get into some BP support groups. It helps to hear how others have dealt with similar situations and know that you are not alone. My family member has done this and everyone has been doing fairly well. There are definitely the "down" times, but if you can learn to support each other and tune into each other, you CAN get through it. You both need it and so do your kids.

That is just my two cents. Good luck and I will say a prayer for your family.

Denise

You are facing what must seem a difficult, insurmontable situtation. Ultimately, I think that no matter what, you have to decide what is best for you and your boys.

My husband lost his job a few years ago and I had a infant and was pregnant. Remarkably, I had just gotten a job offer I turned down, so ended up taking it. It was an incredibly difficult time - I went from being a staying home mom to the the sole support of the family - something that was not in my life plan.

That put incredible stress on our marriage. So I understand how that can make things seem horrible. Mix that in with bipolar disorder and I can only imagine.

You can do it alone, but I think you have to decide if that's what you want.

Take a step back and think:

1. Do I still love my husband?
2. Does he still love me?
3. Do I want to try to save the marriage?
4. Does he want to work hard too to try to save the marriage?
5. What is making you unhappy? What about the marriage?
6. What would make you happy?

Answering those questions will help you. You could go talk to someone and that might help as well - a therapist, someone at church or a synagogue.

Ultimately, the one thing you also need to remember is that no matter what you decide you are not trapped and have options - and you can later change your mind.

Good luck

Hi Jen,

It takes courage to admit you are scared and there is a problem. You are doing good for seeing all of this. I just want to encourage you and support you. There are a few things you can do if you haven't done them-apply for WIC, All Kids/All Family insurance. There are some great marriage books/websites to go along with counseling. My husband and I are reading Love and Respect. I am sorry I am not much help but I will be praying for you. K.

When I say this I am not joking, this is exactly what happened to me, all the down to my husband going to Texas to be by his mother. I have to kids, they are 5 and 2.5. My husband is bipolar as well. He has been out of work for a year also. It is h*** o* a man to be out of work. I really thought of divorce and that scared to me to death! I started by trying to be suppportive of my husband as he went through this time, but I did not let my life stop. I went out with my friends on occassion, I worked, I picked up and kept going and he saw my life would not end without him. AFter a little over 2 months he came back, but we are not living together. Eharmony does a marriage counseling program online and we took the profile and really got a view into each others thoughts. We have taken it day by day and we are working on making it work without jumping back into it. If you are ready for divorce, there is so much help out there! If you qualify, the state helps pay for child care, even if it is a family member who watches the children. There are support groups out there too. It is a scary time right now and I know that first hand. If you need someone to talk to, someone who has been down your exact road, please feel free to email me at ____@____.com are not alone, like you said, you have your family and there truly are people who do understand. I hope this has helped in some way.
M.
Mother of 2 girls,
4th grade teacher

My first inclination is to tell you to run. Dealing with bi-polar disorder is very difficult. Trying to get him balanced and trying to mend a relationship is hard enough but adding in the need for him to keep a job and be healthy for the kids is that much harder. You guys absolutely need to see a counselor and given the diagnosis, you have to be able to trust that he will work hard at getting the right medication and doing what it takes to be mentally healthy and stable for all of you. If you can't trust this, then your marriage doesn't have much of a chance. As a previous mental health counselor, I can tell you that individuals with Bi-Polar disorder have difficulty managing daily life for themselves. I do hope that you are able to work things out for the kids but educate yourself in knowing what the potential is and go with your gut. If you can trust him to try, then give it your best shot. If you can't, give it some time and see what happens. Don't be hasty- just educate yourself and don't be too h*** o* yourself.

Hang in there.
N.

Hi Jen,

Only the two of you can decide whether or not to get divorced. You don't say whether either of you currently wants a divorce.

I am a divorced mom of a now, 18 year old son. (I never re-married.) My son was not even two years old when I left my husband and his father. I made the decision to leave based on a single event, however, I had not been happy for awhile. We were seeing a marriage counselor through Northwestern Memorial Hospital and it was clear to me from our counseling sessions that my marriage could not be fixed. Although, I did have a job when I left, I didn't have family close by. My parents live in Virginia. You absolutely CAN do everything by yourself and it's not easy, however, it was so much less stressful for me to be doing everything myself and not have to live with my ex-husband. As far as whether or not you will have to sell your house, I can't tell you that. You mention that your husband is not working, which means no child support, so most likely you WILL have to sell your home. I was renting an apartment with my husband and when I left, I rented another apartment, (for just my son and I), the very next day after I left and I left around 6pm on a Tuesday....by Saturday, I was all moved in.

I am assuming your 7 year old is in school and that school probably has a before and after care program. My son was very young so I initially had a babysitter and then when he was 3, he went to an all day preschool, he also went to an all day kindergarden. It can be done, many moms have to work full-time and there are resources available. You just have to check out options in your area.

I guess the question you have to ask yourself is....how bad do you want out of the marriage. If you want out of the marriage badly enough, you WILL be able to do it all yourself! You ARE lucky that you have very supportive family around because I am sure they will help out....I didn't have that and I still made it.

Please feel free to call or email directly if you want specific information for your area.

Sincerely,

J. Penfield
www.teamwahu.com
____@____.com
Home ###-###-####
Cell Phone ###-###-####

I'm sorry for your situation! Marriage is not easy and I can only imagine how much harder things are due to your husbands diagnosis with BP. My only recommendation is to read the book "The 7 principles of marriage" By Dr. Gottman. It is really good. I don't know if it will solve all your problems but I really like his spin on marital advice.....much different than what you would get out of counseling. Also, I would get 2 copies and see if you can encourage your husband to read the book as well. Good luck!!

Jen,
Just wanted to let you know that my best friend was recently diagnosed with BP too. I believe within the last year. She was so irradic, I often thought she was going to push me over the edge. She was making awful decisions in all areas of her life. I never knew what to expect. Well... she got the right doctor to identify her needs and what type of medication and therapy she needed and she is back to her own self. The best friend I had 5-10 years ago. I am a single divorced mom too so I know what it entails. It is possible but diffecult. If you still think that the marriage in salvageable stick together until after he is has been treated. Good luck and my prayers are with you.
R.

Only YOU know what's right for you and your children and only YOU can make that decision.

What I can offer you is hope and perspective. I too am bipolar and my husband and I consciously (and irresponsibly) chose to decline treatment for me for many years, and our relationship spiraled downward quickly. In addition, we've had financial burdens that cause us both stress and children always influence our moods and sleep patt

erns and all. With all that combined, no one can be happy. However, you can CHOOSE to make changes towards a more positive future. Your husband can be a better person if he chooses to get treatment for his bipolar disorder. If you get some help with the kids and renew your relationship with your husband, your marriage can survive. And whatever you need to do to get out of the financial slump you're in will indeed improve both of your lives and remove the financial issues that are affecting your marriage.

The unknown is always scary, but it doesn't have to be. You can take control of your life by making the decisions and choices to improve it and come out above your situation, whatever that means.

Good luck.

Bipolar disorder is something that can be managed with the right medication for your husband if he is willing to work with a doctor. If not then maybe you would like to seek a divorce as people with bipolar disorder have tendencies to make bad decisions and your children may be affected by close contact with him on a daily basis. A friend of ours was diagnosed recently and he has a 9 year old son. He would disappear every now and then and turn his home upside down every time. He refused to get care and his wife finally had to get a divorce because of the instability in the home. She has managed to have her sister help her out with childcare when needed, but it was very difficult for her to make that decision to end the relationship. She is now glad that she did. Good luck and I am sorry you have to deal with this.

The first thing your husband needs to do is get the bi-polar disorder under control. Then, I would highly recommend a program called Retrouvaille (www.retrouvaille.org). It is designed for troubled marriages. It is a weekend program that is truly amazing and has transformed many marriages.
Good luck and God bless!

I'm not sure about divorce either, but if your husband does have Bi-Polar, that could be a huge factor in your unhappy marriage. If he's getting treatment and taking medication, things might improve. The key in this disease is that the person has to take the medication for the rest of their lives to stabilize the chemical imbalance. Some Bi-Polar patients stop taking the medication b/c they start to feel better and they think the meds don't help. I have personal experience with this disease and if treated correctly things can go back to normal. Not to dispense advice, but what if you and your husband spoke to a therapist about this? Maybe things will improve? I would definitely give it a try first, since this diagnosis is so new. Good luck.